Guest Posted May 11, 2007 Share Posted May 11, 2007 My wife and I recently began devorce proceedings after 8 years of marriage. I have always had a great relationship with my inlaws and the same for her. Recently she has stopped answering my mothers calls and wont return her calls. I've continued to visit with my inlaws they live two streets over from the condo that Ive moved into. My soon to be ex wife left me a message the ohter day telling me that since we are no longer together that i can no longer visit, talk, see, her partents. She says it is not fair to her or to her new boyfriend that I go over there. She says that when you divorce your spouse you divorce their entire family. I dont know why she would feel that way? This is her second marriage and my first, maybe she knows more than I do? Is there a "code of ethics" for divorce. Im confused that I have to give up what I consider "family". Is it wrong for me to want to continue my relationship wiht them? Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted May 11, 2007 Share Posted May 11, 2007 The beauty of divorce is that your ex no longer gets to tell you what to do. If your former in-laws are comfortable and you are comfortable, her opinion is just that... her opinion. Go right to the horse's mouth and ask these folks to tell you honestly how they're feeling. Then.. abide by their preferences. There's no hidden divorce etiquette, man. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 11, 2007 Share Posted May 11, 2007 I had heard that when you get divorced you divorce the in-laws. That was a bonus for me, divorcing my ex-MIL. I don't know who said it or where I heard it, but I was told you break all ties. I go with it. And there are quite a few people from his family that I love and miss. But still, I honor this. I think it just keeps things less complicated. Link to post Share on other sites
hurting_in_nw Posted May 11, 2007 Share Posted May 11, 2007 I've divorced my STBX MIL, because she's a psycho like her daughter, but her dad has been very understanding and helpful to me, and I hope to continue some sort of relationship with him after the D is final. Link to post Share on other sites
Jinxx Posted May 11, 2007 Share Posted May 11, 2007 Do you have kids? Even you don't, there is no reason why you should not be able to have a relationship with your in-laws just because of divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
bkz Posted May 11, 2007 Share Posted May 11, 2007 Ive allways been close to my STBX's parents, actually closer than she was and for a while after the seperation it stayed that way. Her parents do and have allways hung out with my friends even when im not around. They even had me and all my friends over to there house with the rest of her family for the 4th of July and didnt invite my STBX. It got to the point were I felt it was just causing too many problems and some confusion for my kids so I backed off for a few months to let things settle a bit. My MIL just called a couple of days ago and told me she loved me and misses me and I spoke to my father inlaw for the first time in a few months last week. I guess every sitch is unique but I just couldnt imagine not having them in my life even if there were no kids involved. They wont be my family anymore but I still love them and they'll allways be my friends regardless of what the ex thinks and I know they feel the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
Herzen Posted May 11, 2007 Share Posted May 11, 2007 As every marriage is different so is every divorce--even more so. I've been divorced for about 3 years and the collateral damage has not been great. (Mostly because my ex and I have been decent, civil and fair in our dealings with one another). Still,our relationships with our respective in-laws are not as close as they once were. While there's civility, there's little warmth. Chalk that up as one more cost item on the divorce ledger. Link to post Share on other sites
Adick Posted May 11, 2007 Share Posted May 11, 2007 I say ask them and if they are comfy--screw her! My ex MIL and I got along great. My ex and her mom (and her sister) had a falling out and they do not talk. I keep in touch with my ex MIL and ex SIL. We have three kids and my ex wife insists that they are HER family and I have no business talking to them. I say they are my childrens granmother and aunt and uncle and cousins and they need to knwo their family. She says it is her decision. I say that just because you have a bug up your ass does not mean you take it out on your kids. So I visit them a few times ayear and they are coming to visit me this week. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted May 12, 2007 Share Posted May 12, 2007 I think you should take your cue from them... It will probably be harder in the beginning...In my case, in the beginning, they just stayed out of it...and I lost 1/2 my family (his side) because that's how close we were... Now his parents, brother and I are on good terms...but it's not the same...they didn't even invite me to my children's baptism...(no my ex didn't inform me either)... After a divorce, nothing is ever the same... Ask yourself why you want to keep in touch with them...Is it just because she doesn't want you to? If so, that's really not fair to anyone...If it's because you love them and want them to continue to be family, take your cue from them... Sometimes D is the end of everything as you know it...but it's also the beginning of the rest of your life...so live it well! Link to post Share on other sites
Teeky3 Posted May 13, 2007 Share Posted May 13, 2007 Each situation is different. Your best bet is to find out how your in-laws feel about this. It really does not matter what your soon to be ex thinks...if your in-laws are okay with this, then that is your answer. Just remember that their allegiance is to their daughter and blood is thicker than water. Also, know that if you continue to have a relationship with them, you are certainly bound to run into your ex and perhaps any news loves she might have at your in-laws place. A simple thing as a picture of your ex with her new lover could make you extremely uncomfortable. Just be preapred...although it just does not seem worth all of the trouble to me. Link to post Share on other sites
HerrJ Posted May 14, 2007 Share Posted May 14, 2007 I agree. Every situation is different. However, it is up to you and your inlaws whether or not to continue your friendship - not your exwife. I also was pretty close to my inlaws and the extended family, and still enjoy visiting with them regularly. Sadly, I think I spend more time with my ex's family than she does. Link to post Share on other sites
bkz Posted May 14, 2007 Share Posted May 14, 2007 Something else to consider is your next relationship and how your relationship with the ex inlaws will effect that. You next girlfriend/wife may not appritiate you having such a good relationship with HER parents, or mabye it wont be a big deal, dunno? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 14, 2007 Share Posted May 14, 2007 I agree. Every situation is different. However, it is up to you and your inlaws whether or not to continue your friendship - not your exwife. I also was pretty close to my inlaws and the extended family, and still enjoy visiting with them regularly. Sadly, I think I spend more time with my ex's family than she does. My wife is very career oriented and works long days and travels a lot. Which is mainly why we have split. She rarely sees her parents. I was the one to visit with them weekly and help with things so yes I spent more time with them then she did. She is an only child so they really have no one else to help them with things. THey are in their early 70's so I did yard work, hung holiday decorations, house maintenance, and that sort of stuff. They have been a part of my life for over 9 years now and I feel bad abandoning them since I know they depend on me. I called my mother in law ysterday to tell her Happy Mothers Day and she wanted me to come over for desert after her daughter left. I did go over and had a talk with them. She had already been there and told them to not talk to me anymore. Her mother told her she could be friends with whoever she wanted. She is a fiesty one! I told them I could no longer do things for them but would be willing to help them find cheap help. As far as visiting with them I think I wil gradually slow that down. After reading everyones replies I think I should cut my ties. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 17, 2007 Share Posted May 17, 2007 Do you have kids? Even you don't, there is no reason why you should not be able to have a relationship with your in-laws just because of divorce. Why would having kids matter in whether or not he keeps a relationship with his ex=in laws? Me and my ex have kids and I have not once seen her folks since we split up. I make sure our children see my parents and she makes sure our children see her parents. Children should not be a factor. Link to post Share on other sites
mum2three Posted May 19, 2007 Share Posted May 19, 2007 would I care to keep in touch even with kids involved. My MIL and FIL are enablers to the divorce. FIL told me that I should close my eyes to WAH affair with OW. They denied it till I forced their son to admit it in front of his mother. Aside from that, they didn't treat me well during the M and even worse now that we're separated. MIL criticized everything about my household and how I cared for my kids. It was never to their family's "standards". I was the DIL who cooked homemade dinners, served coffee, tea, dessert, & always said thank you for any help with kids, and the works. My H would drop my parents off at the bus stop and not even look at them or say goodbye. Mind you, my parents visited us only 3x/yr. If I didn't have kids, I would have severed all ties and go completely NC. I finally realized that I have a rotten apple and it didn't fall far from the tree. So it's no loss to cut off toxic people from your life! Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted May 19, 2007 Share Posted May 19, 2007 This is an interesing topic, and very timely for me. Background: I was in a long (9yr) LTR relationship that ended recently and it was like a marriage. I feel very close to the "in-laws", who live in the same small town as "we" do for half the year (winter in FLA). They just returned a few days ago, and the ex's sister informed me that my ex's mother would love to see me. I know she is distraught over the R ending, because she called me a few times after she learned it ended (my ex never bothered to tell her, one of his siblings did) and the sibling brought it up again when she told me that they want to see me. My dilema now is that I'd love to visit them, they are like family to me, and are fascinating, dear people. I have wanted to interview them for an oral history project I'm involved with about our town, as well, and they are both quite old. But..... I'm afraid that when or if I visit, it will be hard.... there is just too much that I haven't finished processing yet about the end of the R, and I have no doubt that his parent's disappointment will be the big topic, and that they may feed into my raw, unrealistic feelings of hope that we will get back together. While it's tempting to want to listen to this, it's not going to help right now, and I don't know how I'll handle this, or have the strength. Just have to weigh the pros and cons. Anyhow, did not mean to make this thread about ME, but it seems that this is a potential dilema faced by some of us with in-laws in a post-marriage/LTR situation. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted May 19, 2007 Share Posted May 19, 2007 Recently I got back in touch with an ex's (ex1) (who i am now friends with) mum cos she was so good to me and we got on really well, then when I started seeing the next BF (ex2) he demanded I have nothing to do with ex1 including his family. I split with ex2, and have spent some time seeing ex1 as a friend AND his mum, and its been really nice. My current BFis fine with it. I think if you WANT to continue a R with your exWs parents, then you should, its your life, and they seem to want to still see you. Maybe just tone it down so that its not in your exWs face. Link to post Share on other sites
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