Why does he say these things?? :(

[Sweets1919]

I am trying to figure out why my bf says things that seem strange to me. Is he looking for attention, trying to control me, looking for an ego boost?

 

Here are three recent examples:

 

-He was at my house and put on a jacket so we could go out. He started patting it and rubbing it and looking at me and I was thinking "what is he doing?". Then I realized it was a new jacket he had told me he bought so I said "Oh, that's your new jacket, it looks good". However, he said he was disappointed I hadn't noticed it right away.

 

-I told him a fun activity I had thought of doing next weekend when my parents come to town. He said "I like doing fun things too" and I told him he was more than welcome to come with us. He again seemed to play the "poor me" card and basically pouted about me "not asking him first" and said "I think your parents can come with ME" (meaning my parents are second to my invite to him)

 

-Last night I was in bed and he called and (this week we have been having some problems) he says "did you check your email tonight?" And I had not so I said no. Then as we were talking I got up and checked it and it was an ad he had done up to sell a motorbike he just got (that I had never seen). I said "oh, it's an ad for your bike. It looks nice, honey". Yet AGAIN he was not happy with that answer. He says "that didn't sound very from the heart".

 

Give me a break!! Here I am complimenting him, inviting him out with me and my parents, getting up to read his email (I thought it was personal one to me), complimenting his jacket and his bike, calling him "honey"....yet none of it seems good enough. Thoughts go through my head that I need to be "on alert" to always look for new things to compliment him on and things to say to make sure he doesn't get "touchy". And I don't think he is "really" hurt by these things I do/don't do (to me, they are minor. If he complimented a new top I had while we were out vs. when he first saw me I'd still be happy). He is more "playing around", but in my heart I think it is to control me and make me feel bad about myself. I do initially feel bad and I like I could have been more "aware or sensitive", but then I get resentful because I know I am a very good girlfriend.

[sb129]

He sounds needy and insecure.

 

I don't know many guys who are that.... petulant! How unattractive!

 

He needs to grow up. My first instinct is to tell you to ignore his behaviour, but I don't know if that will do anything except make it worse.

 

You shouldn't have to reassure him so much, its not like you have done anything wrong!!!

 

This sounds like it is HIS problem, not yours, and there is not much you can do to sort it out- reassurance can only go so far before you have to tell him his behaviour is inappropriate and ridiculous.

 

My ex was quite a control freak, and would react badly to the most innocuous of things, not things as minor as you have described, but pretty pathetic stuff all the same!

And generally I think alot of it was designed so I would feel bad about myself, and be grateful to him for being with me, and therefore stay with him.

I am not sure if your guy is attention seeking or trying to control you, but if this kind of behaviour continues or gets worse, be warned, being with a controlling BF is awful, and its very difficult to get away from them.

[Sweets1919]

I think it just seems crazy. It's not as if I never say anything nice...I do!! I am sure there are some girls/women out there who are so into themselves that they would never notice a haircut or a new jacket...or they would say "I'm busy next weekend with my parents" (we are in an LDR). The fact that he got a motorbike (in a trade) that now doesn't work and he is trying to sell...well that's his business and I am supportive. He is lucky he doesn't have a gf saying "well that was a stupid decision. Now you have to spend all this time selling a bike that you never even rode".

 

PS. The other day we were having a talk about our "relationship" and I had told him that if we were not going to move forward to more commitment and eventually marriage in a year or so, then I would have to find someone who wanted the same things. He was upset and said "It offends me that you think you can find someone better than me". I clarified (partly just to calm him down as he was pretty "offended") that I would need to find someone better suited to ME. He then told me he believes in one person for every person and if I think there is someone better out there then obviously I am not the one for him. He then said "answer this question: do you think there is someone else out there that is better for you?" What a loaded question. If I say no then I am basically saying "you are the greatest and I am not going to leave you because there is no one better" and if I say "Yes" then I am saying that there IS someone better (or at least I believe there is) and he would have likely said "then let's end this".

 

I did say "no" (for the pure fact of not wanting to break up on the phone at work without me and him actually talking)....but how unfair is that question!!!

[sb129]

Oh dear.

 

He sounds like hard work. Do you really want to go down that road?

[Krytellan]

Oooooorrrr...

 

Maybe your self-centered and don't tend to think about others (him) much? I'm not truly convinced he's the bad guy. You only told us what you considered important.

 

If you get a haircut, don't you want us to notice and get all whiny when we dont? Well, that's what he was after with the jacket thing.

 

Maybe you should have invited him to go to the "parent" thing. Were you not considering what he would want to do?

 

And, there's nothing I hate more than when a girl says something along the lines of "Oh, that is nice dear" and the tone of their voice could not possibly less genuine or sincere. When reading what you wrote, I could almost hear you saying it... and it sounded completely gratuitous.

 

Not usually my thing, but something about the tone of your post gives me the feeling that his argument is closer to relevant than your complaints about it. Maybe it bothers you so much because you want so badly to dismiss the fact that you are self-centered and don't step out long enough to think of others.

 

Just sayin...

[Krytellan]

If I say no then I am basically saying "you are the greatest and I am not going to leave you because there is no one better" and if I say "Yes" then I am saying that there IS someone better (or at least I believe there is) and he would have likely said "then let's end this".

 

Yeah, I'm sorry. You sound completely selfish and self-absorbed. God forbid you should say something that would make him... I don't know... FEEL GOOD!

 

You can continue to rant about your pathetic bf, but as this goes on, I am so much more in tune with what he's doing and saying than what you are saying.

[happygirl70]

Looks like you are catching some 'red flags' here. Don't ignore them! He sounds REALLY needy, like everything has to be about him. My 5yo is that way, but he is 5! If this is making you feel bad now, imagine 20 years from now of hearing it every day? I am not sure his intent is to make you feel bad, but it is definitely to make himself feel better and to make HIM the center of attention. I would think that when he is with you, then YOU should be the center of attention for him. I think I'd run for the hills while it is easier to do than ignoring the signals and moving further into the relationship.

 

Life is too short to have to constantly worry about stroking someone's ego constantly!!

[Sweets1919]

I DID invite him with me and my parents. My dad told me on Tuesday night he is coming to town next weekend (18th) and on Wed. night I saw something in the paper that would be fun. The next time I spoke to my bf I told him about the activity (and I had already told him he is welcome as usual to my house even if my parents are here).

 

And no, I wasn't gushing over his motorbike or his jacket. I know nothing about motorbikes and it looked "nice"...I am not going to rave about the engine or how many horsepower or whatever...I don't know about those things.

 

The jacket was nice but it wasn't fancy...it was a rainjacket he had mentioned three weeks prior. At least give me a chance to see it and say "wow, it looks great"...not hint hint hint...cuz of course then it won't seem as sincere.

 

I do appreciate your view though, it's good to get different sides to this for sure!!

[nicki]

You are in an LDR? That explains a lot. People can be very insecure in an LDR and need extra reassurance...especially people who need to spend time with their SO to feel connected.

 

How long have you been dating him? If it hasn't been very long, that could also explain his insecurity. He may want to know that you are really into him for the long haul.

 

Maybe you could reassure him that you love him, want him and remember to compliment him more. Everyone feels love in different ways. He may be verbal.

 

Still, I'd keep my eyes open to see if this gets better, or worse. He may be the terminally insecure type....and you can't fix that with more love and reassurance.

[sb129]

Yeah, I'm sorry. You sound completely selfish and self-absorbed. God forbid you should say something that would make him... I don't know... FEEL GOOD!

 

You can continue to rant about your pathetic bf, but as this goes on, I am so much more in tune with what he's doing and saying than what you are saying.

 

Thats a little harsh Krytellan.....

 

It IS hard to see the full picture without a) hearing both sides and b) knowing the people

 

I guess I am just seeing it from the POV that I had an ex who was VERY controlling, so the warning signals automatically start going for me.

 

Actually sweets, I do think it was a little.... not sure what word to use... forward to have the conversation with your guy re: marriage etc.

Thats asking for trouble IMO- you can't push those things.

 

And if he IS insecure, I can see why he would get upset at the suggestion you would go find someone else if he doesn't want to marry you.

[Krytellan]

Yeah, I did come off harsh, but here's why.

The OPs comments remind me of someone I spent many years with, and to hear her spout off like that really made me sympathise with the bf.

 

Sweets, there are many things you say that suggest that you are, as I say, self-centered, and I question your ability to find fault in anything that happens. Because, whether you know it or not, he may be making some very valid points that you refuse to see. You shrug it off as "his deal"

 

For example:

 

Give me a break!! Here I am complimenting him, inviting him out with me and my parents, getting up to read his email (I thought it was personal one to me), complimenting his jacket and his bike, calling him "honey"....yet none of it seems good enough.

Well, la-de-da. Look how important you are. The fact that he asked you to walk all the way to the computer when he should spout thankfulness for your mere existence. The point is, you talk like you're a princess that is above these things.

 

I need to be "on alert" to always look for new things to compliment him on and things to say to make sure he doesn't get "touchy".

Well, every example you have given suggests that you dont pay attention to him. That points to being self-centered. And trust me, that doesn't make you evil. I have been called that many times in my life. Do you notice things about him without having to be told???

 

He is more "playing around", but in my heart I think it is to control me and make me feel bad about myself.

I have to admit that you sound like someone with a temper that can tend to fly off the handle easily (just my feeling). Maybe he's trying to bring up these things things in a way that is nonthreatening so as not to start a fight. I have known people that you have to approach this way. That doesn't mean it isn't important to him.

 

I do initially feel bad and I like I could have been more "aware or sensitive", but then I get resentful because I know I am a very good girlfriend.

Are you? Are you sure or is that what you assume? It sounds like he feels neglected by you. Is there any possible way his feelings may be warranted? Just sayin...

 

I wasn't gushing over his motorbike or his jacket. I know nothing about motorbikes and it looked "nice"...I am not going to rave about the engine or how many horsepower or whatever...I don't know about those things.

You say this very dismissively, like you honestly just dont care, and this was what made me most feel the way I do about your postings. It has the air of "I dont know anything about it, so who cares? Doesnt interest me..." If thats what it is, it's a poor attitude.

 

The jacket was nice but it wasn't fancy...it was a rainjacket he had mentioned three weeks prior. At least give me a chance to see it and say "wow, it looks great"...not hint hint hint...cuz of course then it won't seem as sincere.

But it was new and he bought it and he thought it was nice. You hadn't noticed or said anything in 3 weeks? No wonder he prompted you. But it sounds like he needs to prompt you for a lot of things that he wouldn't normally get.

 

 

Bottom line is you talk with such conviction that there is absolutely nothing that you have or have not done here to warrant anything. I would warn you to put your ego aside and ask yourself if any of this is true. No one is ever 100% in the right all the time, no matter how much they argue that they are.

[Sweets1919]

You are in an LDR? That explains a lot. People can be very insecure in an LDR and need extra reassurance...especially people who need to spend time with their SO to feel connected.

 

How long have you been dating him? If it hasn't been very long, that could also explain his insecurity. He may want to know that you are really into him for the long haul.

 

Maybe you could reassure him that you love him, want him and remember to compliment him more. Everyone feels love in different ways. He may be verbal.

 

Still, I'd keep my eyes open to see if this gets better, or worse. He may be the terminally insecure type....and you can't fix that with more love and reassurance.

 

 

Thanks for the alternate perspective. I certainly didn't come on here to have everyone agree with me. I will put in some extra effort to make sure that I am being sensitive and thoughtful. Thank you!!!

[sb129]

No one is ever 100% in the right all the time, no matter how much they argue that they are.

 

Very true.

 

And Nickis point about LDRs is true too. I am in one, and this is the most secure I have ever felt in a R, because we listen to eachother and respect/ compliment eachother..

 

 

So... hope it works out sweets! I wouldn't run for the hills just yet.

[Sweets1919]

Yeah, I did come off harsh, but here's why.

The OPs comments remind me of someone I spent many years with, and to hear her spout off like that really made me sympathise with the bf.

 

Sweets, there are many things you say that suggest that you are, as I say, self-centered, and I question your ability to find fault in anything that happens. Because, whether you know it or not, he may be making some very valid points that you refuse to see. You shrug it off as "his deal"

 

For example:

 

Give me a break!! Here I am complimenting him, inviting him out with me and my parents, getting up to read his email (I thought it was personal one to me), complimenting his jacket and his bike, calling him "honey"....yet none of it seems good enough.

Well, la-de-da. Look how important you are. The fact that he asked you to walk all the way to the computer when he should spout thankfulness for your mere existence. The point is, you talk like you're a princess that is above these things.

 

I need to be "on alert" to always look for new things to compliment him on and things to say to make sure he doesn't get "touchy".

Well, every example you have given suggests that you dont pay attention to him. That points to being self-centered. And trust me, that doesn't make you evil. I have been called that many times in my life. Do you notice things about him without having to be told???

 

He is more "playing around", but in my heart I think it is to control me and make me feel bad about myself.

I have to admit that you sound like someone with a temper that can tend to fly off the handle easily (just my feeling). Maybe he's trying to bring up these things things in a way that is nonthreatening so as not to start a fight. I have known people that you have to approach this way. That doesn't mean it isn't important to him.

 

I do initially feel bad and I like I could have been more "aware or sensitive", but then I get resentful because I know I am a very good girlfriend.

Are you? Are you sure or is that what you assume? It sounds like he feels neglected by you. Is there any possible way his feelings may be warranted? Just sayin...

 

I wasn't gushing over his motorbike or his jacket. I know nothing about motorbikes and it looked "nice"...I am not going to rave about the engine or how many horsepower or whatever...I don't know about those things.

You say this very dismissively, like you honestly just dont care, and this was what made me most feel the way I do about your postings. It has the air of "I dont know anything about it, so who cares? Doesnt interest me..." If thats what it is, it's a poor attitude.

 

The jacket was nice but it wasn't fancy...it was a rainjacket he had mentioned three weeks prior. At least give me a chance to see it and say "wow, it looks great"...not hint hint hint...cuz of course then it won't seem as sincere.

But it was new and he bought it and he thought it was nice. You hadn't noticed or said anything in 3 weeks? No wonder he prompted you. But it sounds like he needs to prompt you for a lot of things that he wouldn't normally get.

 

 

Bottom line is you talk with such conviction that there is absolutely nothing that you have or have not done here to warrant anything. I would warn you to put your ego aside and ask yourself if any of this is true. No one is ever 100% in the right all the time, no matter how much they argue that they are.

 

Sorry for quoting your whole msg...I am not sure how to do it in parts.

 

I certainly did not say he had to be thankful for me walking to the computer.

 

I do notice things about him often. He gets new clothes, I say they look nice, that he looks handsome etc. I tell him he is sexy a lot!!

 

It is interesting that it sounds like I fly off the handle. I never yell and he and I have never yelled at each other (last time I yelled at someone was in 2001 when i found my ex in a bathtub with two girls...yikes). I do keep my feelings inside though. I am scared of getting hurt and going "all in". I am aware of that. I do appreciate the alternate perspective that you and another poster had that this might be his way of "telling" me that compliments and acknowledgment are important to him instead of being straightforward and saying "did you notice my haircut? do you like it?" (I am going to make an effort at being more attentive).

 

And maybe I do neglect him sometimes...probably when I feel neglected. However, I just called him and was positive and so was he. I know that it is reciprocal. If I had called and been "pissy" or down he would have felt that and it kills our relationship. I know I have to be willing to risk my heart and give him my love as we all risk in relationship.

 

Regarding the motorbike, that one I think we just have to agree to disagree. If he had got it and was thrilled about it I would have asked more questions. He is getting a quad and I did ask a lot about that. To me, it's like a woman getting a new curling iron or purse...a guy might say "oh it looks nice", not who made it, what kind of leather etc.

 

I should have clarified about the jacket. I had not seen it in three weeks because he had been on vacation for three weeks. He bought it for his trip and the first time I saw it was three weeks after he bought it.

 

I am not trying to rebut everything you said as I think you had some valid points.

 

Thanks,

 

Sweets

[hardcase]

I am trying to figure out why my bf says things that seem strange to me. Is he looking for attention, trying to control me, looking for an ego boost?

 

Here are three recent examples:

 

-He was at my house and put on a jacket so we could go out. He started patting it and rubbing it and looking at me and I was thinking "what is he doing?". Then I realized it was a new jacket he had told me he bought so I said "Oh, that's your new jacket, it looks good". However, he said he was disappointed I hadn't noticed it right away.

 

Sounds like he has a little too much estrogen in his body. Usually women only care if the man didn't notice something new about them right away.

 

-I told him a fun activity I had thought of doing next weekend when my parents come to town. He said "I like doing fun things too" and I told him he was more than welcome to come with us. He again seemed to play the "poor me" card and basically pouted about me "not asking him first" and said "I think your parents can come with ME" (meaning my parents are second to my invite to him)

 

-Last night I was in bed and he called and (this week we have been having some problems) he says "did you check your email tonight?" And I had not so I said no. Then as we were talking I got up and checked it and it was an ad he had done up to sell a motorbike he just got (that I had never seen). I said "oh, it's an ad for your bike. It looks nice, honey". Yet AGAIN he was not happy with that answer. He says "that didn't sound very from the heart".

 

Give me a break!! Here I am complimenting him, inviting him out with me and my parents, getting up to read his email (I thought it was personal one to me), complimenting his jacket and his bike, calling him "honey"....yet none of it seems good enough. Thoughts go through my head that I need to be "on alert" to always look for new things to compliment him on and things to say to make sure he doesn't get "touchy". And I don't think he is "really" hurt by these things I do/don't do (to me, they are minor. If he complimented a new top I had while we were out vs. when he first saw me I'd still be happy). He is more "playing around", but in my heart I think it is to control me and make me feel bad about myself. I do initially feel bad and I like I could have been more "aware or sensitive", but then I get resentful because I know I am a very good girlfriend.

 

Sounds like your bf is a wuss. I mean really...getting all sensitive over a jacket and a bike ad? Do you really want to date this guy?

 

I'd hate to think how he'd react when a REALLY important issue for argument came up.

 

If he gets all pissy over stupid things like this....I don't think you wanna know what will happen with bigger issues that come up.

 

Maybe you should say..."you know what..you get all pissy over a motorbike ad....maybe you are not the kind of personality I am looking for".

[hardcase]

Yeah, I'm sorry. You sound completely selfish and self-absorbed. God forbid you should say something that would make him... I don't know... FEEL GOOD!

 

Why?..because she didn't notice a freakin jacket, or because she didn't tell him how sexy he was that he put together such an AWESOME MOTORBIKE AD!!!...WOOHOO!!!! She should have jumped up and down and told him how talented he is and all...you're right...

 

You can continue to rant about your pathetic bf, but as this goes on, I am so much more in tune with what he's doing and saying than what you are saying.

 

Her bf is getting all pissy over petty little stuff. It wouldn't strike me to even seek anyone's thoughts on an ad I would place. I'd make the ad and place the damn thing.

[Star Gazer]

I agree with Krytie on all points. Seriously, if I didn't know better, at times I'd think I was K's (ex)girlfriend - she and I (whomever she was at the time) think/act a lot alike, and I can totally see where I messed up in retrospect.

 

I was just like you when I was younger, Sweets. Took some time - and a ton of failed relationships - but I learned to get over myself. Well, I'm not completely over myself but I'm getting there.

[nicki]

Hardcase has a good point. Is this guy overly sensitive? Do you need a guy with more confidence?

 

I once dated a guy who was MORE sensitive than me and who cried over things like I would. All the time. Geesh! If I was upset, he wouldn't comfort me. HE would start crying and talking about HIS feelings. Then I would have to comfort him and calm HIM down.

 

Even though I was glad that he was emotionally sensitive, I always felt like the GUY in the relationship. Sorry for the stereotype.

 

It taught me that I like a sensitive guy, who shows extreme emotion, but a little less often, and who could handle things with an undercurrent of confidence....tricky balance...vulnerability/emotional sensitivity/confidence

 

So, is your guy just temporarily insecure or is it a personality difference that is a deal breaker?

[kepners]

KRYTEL YOUR 100% RIGHT. i agree with everything, INSTANTLY TO ME is said she was a self centered SWITCH!

 

she dont like to make comments or notice things about her man then fine. dump him. but i agree with KRYTEL, this is NOT my idea of a relationship where she ignores me. and starts making out he's weak, because my experince of these type of women is that they are very guarded and have more issues than they care to mention on here!

 

to me its utter rudeness and lack of respect for you man. far to much 'look-how-fit-i-am-much-better-than-you"

[nicki]

Don't you think the truth lies somewhere in between the two extremes?

 

She needs to tell her man she appreciates him by complimenting him, etc.

 

He needs to have some confidence.

 

How about him saying "How do you like my new jacket?" or "Here's my new ad, what do you think?" Not throwing a fit, but confidently asking for her input and validation if he needs it.

[jcster]

this is NOT my idea of a relationship where she ignores me. and starts making out he's weak, because my experince of these type of women is that they are very guarded and have more issues than they care to mention on here!

 

In what universe is it a requirement to prop up a significant other's frail ego? People like this guy are a bottomless pit. If he's getting pissy about her ignoring his precious little raincoat and not reading his want ad, then it's only going to go downhill - and quickly. Tell him to call his mommy, she'll tell him what a nice boy he is.

[sb129]

Don't you think the truth lies somewhere in between the two extremes?

 

She needs to tell her man she appreciates him by complimenting him, etc.

 

He needs to have some confidence.

 

How about him saying "How do you like my new jacket?" or "Here's my new ad, what do you think?" Not throwing a fit, but confidently asking for her input and validation if he needs it.

 

Exactly! Nicki are you my twin?

[hardcase]

KRYTEL YOUR 100% RIGHT. i agree with everything, INSTANTLY TO ME is said she was a self centered SWITCH!

 

she dont like to make comments or notice things about her man then fine. dump him. but i agree with KRYTEL, this is NOT my idea of a relationship where she ignores me.

 

Oh i understand that if he was to do a major change in his hairstyle...drove up in a new car...something really noticeable like that, sure...he'd have every right to be upset.

 

But come on...look at the things he's getting all sensitive over....a new jacket that looks like a raincoat...a motorbike ad....not a motorbike itself...but a freakin' advertisement.

 

Why would a woman care about a motorbike ad, let alone a motorbike. Thats just not something women really get in to.

 

And she told him all that the things he was looking for approval of, she thought they were nice...even though they might not have been. Is she suppose to like everything he gets or does?

 

My wife got a really REALLY bad haircut one time....it was absolutely dreadful...but instead of jumping up and down for joy over a dreadful cut, or telling her it was absolutely god awful...to spare her feelings...I said it looked nice. Maybe I should have told her the truth.

[nicki]

Sb129, my long lost sister!

 

Discern the difference between the big and little stuff. Car = big deal and should be noticed right away.

 

Jacket = little deal. Can be noticed whenever, or when declared new and then noticed and complimented on.

 

Hardcase, you were a good husband to say your wife's haircut looked okay. There was nothing she could do about it once it was already cut. Later, when she's not so upset, you could tell her that you like other styles on her better.

[Zona76]

Often couples are insecure. They don't know where to turn for compliments nor how to ask.

Simply tell him, "I'm so sorry love. I'm not as intuitive as most of my sex... I mean this whole business that we can ALL read minds is too absurd for me to deal with. You will have to in the future explain to my brainless ego more details of what it is you mean." *spoken with a smile of course*