jacko Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Well I didn't think it would affect me like this..., but I am kinda bummed out after a week of NC lemme start from the beginning... (sorry in advance about the long post) So the last 6 months or so I was dating this girl that was introduced to me through a high school friend that I haven't seen for a while. (i kinda saw her around when we used to hang out back then and everyone jocked her but she never made a good impression on me at the time cuz she was kinda bitchy) I saw her again and started talkin' to her and she really seemed perfect to me because I could tell we were attracted to each other, she just got out of a miserable relationship (i could really relate cuz I had nothin but bad relationships for the longest time), she's ambitious and independent, and we both just wanted to have fun after work. I asked her out and we ended up hitting it off that night! We made it clear to each other that we'll date exclusively and we're both not lookin' for serious relationships because we're in our mid-20s and our careers are what's important to us now, so we'll just see how it goes. We saw each other on the weekends and enjoyed each other's company... until 2 months ago i noticed that she was distancing herself more and more. She would cancel dinner dates with me due to her busier and busier schedule, she told me she feels guilty about it and doesnt know wut to do cuz it's unfair to me. We had a talk and she just felt like we were "getting too attached to each other" which was true... so i suggested that we dont see each other as much and not date exclusively if she needs to play the field a little due to her recent breakup. She said no she's not like that and is completely over her ex, she dates only one person at a time and if she had time to date it would be with me. I told her she may just need to be alone for a little bit and to focus on her busy career and that im not here to be her rebound since she was only single for 2 months b4 meeting me, she agreed and we ended at that. A week went by and I get a call from her saying that she was just feelin' a bit moody and needed to see me. When I saw her again she seemed kinda overly sensitive... so I asked if she was sick or somethin'... She says she feels tired and cranky all the time, and she said: "You don't think I'm pregnant, do u?" The siren started ringing in my head and I rushed out to get her tested and low and behold she was!!! Damn.. . that was the worst week of my life!!! We got the procedure done and I just tried to be as supportive as possible during that time. It was a tough time for us both but we got through it. I was sort of a wreck and battling with myself after that so I told her we need to take things slow and that I really like her and just want to have a chance to be with her no matter how long we just date... she said she "can't be like how she would want to be in a relationship with me" and can't really give me any answers because she is confused too... Last week was her birthday so I wanted to show her a good time again so I planned a great night out and during dinner she says she needs to be alone again because she has to focus on her career and because that was her priority in life right now. I was understanding and we decided we cant go on like this so I even told her we cant be friends cuz I wont really be a friend. She wrote me an email the day after: "I just want to say that I had the best time of my life last night. I've never met someone who put so much thought into making my birthday the best! I can honestly say that this was my best birthday yet and I owe you a million thanks. I truly appreciate all your thoughtfulness from the bottom of my heart. I know I can be a pest at times but please do know that you make me happy. I guess you're the only balance in my life..haha... Thank you sooo much for everything! I don't know where we go from here.....I'm always lost..." Always That was a week ago today... and I feel like crap cuz I miss her and I'm happy even if we're not in a relationship but then I might feel like i'll hold her back from wut she's doin' just by dating her... even tho she tells me that im so understanding and I give her space to do what she wants. Is she just not that into me anymore? Is it insecure and selfish to say NC cuz i dont want this to be a lover to friends thing... what should i do? Did I F it up by tellin her im hopin' we'll lead to a relationship later on? Why do i feel this way with someone that just doesnt have time for me?
kepners Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 listen i dont see why you should be beating yourself up about something you may or maynot have said that upset her once! listen, back off the mic, its all you can do, dont play the field but just give the babygirl breathing space. let her come to you and want you and need you. your deff in to her, and she deff in to you (from her words... almost) but there is something missing! forumla in your head > you + her = HEAVEN her formula > you + her = ?? so it dont add up. shes saying basically give her some space... then do it. But i have also noticed something in your post... you seemed to agree with everything she suggest .. break take slow blah blah blah, andyou even suggest things you didnt want to do deep down! now i know, saying horrible things like "i want to be with you, please stop messing me around" but sometimes you have to think that shes testing you to see if you would be man enough or open enough to say that to her.
DanielMadr Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Well I didn't think it would affect me like this..., but I am kinda bummed out after a week of NC lemme start from the beginning... (sorry in advance about the long post) So the last 6 months or so I was dating this girl that was introduced to me through a high school friend that I haven't seen for a while. (i kinda saw her around when we used to hang out back then and everyone jocked her but she never made a good impression on me at the time cuz she was kinda bitchy) I saw her again and started talkin' to her and she really seemed perfect to me because I could tell we were attracted to each other, she just got out of a miserable relationship (i could really relate cuz I had nothin but bad relationships for the longest time), she's ambitious and independent, and we both just wanted to have fun after work. I asked her out and we ended up hitting it off that night! We made it clear to each other that we'll date exclusively and we're both not lookin' for serious relationships because we're in our mid-20s and our careers are what's important to us now, so we'll just see how it goes. We saw each other on the weekends and enjoyed each other's company... until 2 months ago i noticed that she was distancing herself more and more. She would cancel dinner dates with me due to her busier and busier schedule, she told me she feels guilty about it and doesnt know wut to do cuz it's unfair to me. We had a talk and she just felt like we were "getting too attached to each other" which was true... so i suggested that we dont see each other as much and not date exclusively if she needs to play the field a little due to her recent breakup. She said no she's not like that and is completely over her ex, she dates only one person at a time and if she had time to date it would be with me. I told her she may just need to be alone for a little bit and to focus on her busy career and that im not here to be her rebound since she was only single for 2 months b4 meeting me, she agreed and we ended at that. A week went by and I get a call from her saying that she was just feelin' a bit moody and needed to see me. When I saw her again she seemed kinda overly sensitive... so I asked if she was sick or somethin'... She says she feels tired and cranky all the time, and she said: "You don't think I'm pregnant, do u?" The siren started ringing in my head and I rushed out to get her tested and low and behold she was!!! Damn.. . that was the worst week of my life!!! We got the procedure done and I just tried to be as supportive as possible during that time. It was a tough time for us both but we got through it. I was sort of a wreck and battling with myself after that so I told her we need to take things slow and that I really like her and just want to have a chance to be with her no matter how long we just date... she said she "can't be like how she would want to be in a relationship with me" and can't really give me any answers because she is confused too... Last week was her birthday so I wanted to show her a good time again so I planned a great night out and during dinner she says she needs to be alone again because she has to focus on her career and because that was her priority in life right now. I was understanding and we decided we cant go on like this so I even told her we cant be friends cuz I wont really be a friend. She wrote me an email the day after: "I just want to say that I had the best time of my life last night. I've never met someone who put so much thought into making my birthday the best! I can honestly say that this was my best birthday yet and I owe you a million thanks. I truly appreciate all your thoughtfulness from the bottom of my heart. I know I can be a pest at times but please do know that you make me happy. I guess you're the only balance in my life..haha... Thank you sooo much for everything! I don't know where we go from here.....I'm always lost..." Always That was a week ago today... and I feel like crap cuz I miss her and I'm happy even if we're not in a relationship but then I might feel like i'll hold her back from wut she's doin' just by dating her... even tho she tells me that im so understanding and I give her space to do what she wants. Is she just not that into me anymore? Is it insecure and selfish to say NC cuz i dont want this to be a lover to friends thing... what should i do? Did I F it up by tellin her im hopin' we'll lead to a relationship later on? Why do i feel this way with someone that just doesnt have time for me? Dont invest to people who dont want to invest in you. On the other hand. You like her right? Make a move then. She is obviously too weak to make a move - if its break up or relationship. Take the risk and responsibility and make her yours. If she declines or is still confused, forget her. Break contact and find some other girl. Her mentioning about you giving her a space can be translated "You give me enough space, now come closer". If she would be disinterested she wouldnt bother with you anymore. Or she is just too structured personality aka confused "I dont know what I want...bf or quick f@ck or career or family????" type but too "independent" (stubborn). 'Follow me, lead me or get the f@ck out of my way' attitude missing.
Author jacko Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 thanks guys... i have been kind of a push-over (putting up my guard i suppose) and just dont know wut to tell her without coming across as too emotional! I've built myself up to believe that I don't care much about her and that we're only dating so wut's the point... only to realize it's not true at all! I'm pretty stubborn myself.... I just really dont want any drama involved thatz y i back off so easily whenever we try to talk about "us"! Can i even approach her now without her thinkin' i've lost all self-respect for myself and completely went back on my word that we need to stay as far away from each other as possible?
DanielMadr Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 thanks guys... i have been kind of a push-over (putting up my guard i suppose) and just dont know wut to tell her without coming across as too emotional! I've built myself up to believe that I don't care much about her and that we're only dating so wut's the point... only to realize it's not true at all! I'm pretty stubborn myself.... I just really dont want any drama involved thatz y i back off so easily whenever we try to talk about "us"! Can i even approach her now without her thinkin' i've lost all self-respect for myself and completely went back on my word that we need to stay as far away from each other as possible? Thats your decision, man. Just make sure you dont make the decision out of frustration, pity, sorrow, anger etc.
socialight Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 >>We got the procedure done and I just tried to be as supportive as possible during that time. It was a tough time for us both but we got through it. Um, no what you meant to say is that you had your unborn child killed for your own conveinience. Your dismissive attitude regarding the seriousness of this action tells me that you do not fully realize your action or their consequences. I would emplore you and this girl to seek professionals, do not for one minute underestimate the destructive power that this action has had upon both your and her mental and emotional states.
kepners Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 mate, its what we call in the trade, mugging ones self off! its comes when you want a chick more than she wants you. it has nothing to do with her being out of your league, its more to do with her being far more socailly trained thna you. you read any lads mag its about fit birds... you read any lass mag its about getting the right man... its a subtle difference. women are training themselves everyday in finding the right strong man for them someone who will pass her test for manilness etc.. ... i started a post on here a month ago asking why do women test men... answer, was to see if your good enough for them! women are high training in social situations and reading things! way more than you or i. thats how they spot stuff so early. its the female of the spieces. dont fret over it. its just one of the differences between us. listen i have a great ebook which i cam just send you over msn free if you want to read. there is so much sense in it. typical example of a woman testing a man, watch scarface! the first time they pacino and pheiffer go the club and dance together! you see what she says to him and how he manages to control his rage and compliment her and put her down and control the situation then she backs down because she knows he's experinced and to good to fall for this. he earns her respect in that scene. women do it all the time, even your mother will do it, by telling you to do stuff even after you clearly have said no, she trying to get you to change your mind... its just women, they have difference reasons for doing it, but they do it notheless. its NC all the way for you. and i kow you was weak and you lied to yourself... but mate, we all do it. i am no different. i have done it recently. but what you can do is claim some ground back as i said earlier.
kepners Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 >>We got the procedure done and I just tried to be as supportive as possible during that time. It was a tough time for us both but we got through it. Um, no what you meant to say is that you had your unborn child killed for your own conveinience. Your dismissive attitude regarding the seriousness of this action tells me that you do not fully realize your action or their consequences. I would emplore you and this girl to seek professionals, do not for one minute underestimate the destructive power that this action has had upon both your and her mental and emotional states. ok but thats society today! hulk/hollywood you dont want to live in the UK
jcster Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Let's try looking at this from your girl's perspective. 2 months after breaking up from her previous relationship she gets into a relationship with you (Way, way too soon). 6 months into your relationship, she gets pregnant and has an abortion. This is HUGE, Emotional Stuff. At this point, she's probably (and rightfully so) examining her life and trying to figure out how not to mess it up any more. If you want to be with her, you need to give her a ton of space. You also need to be there for her when she needs you. If this does not fit into your plans, then you need to break it off right now. Even if you do these things, you'll need to prepare yourself for the likelyhood that your relationship will not survive this trauma.
Author jacko Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 yeah i just really need to MAN-UP on this one... take my decision in stride and understand that it's the right thing to do after all this madness. For some reason I kinda saw all this coming when I felt that it wasnt panning out into want i intended. Initially it was just supposed to be a casual date and just to have a good time with each other without the drama associated in the whole relationship thing. Her work wouldnt be a factor if she really was looking for a relationship... cuz i have seen glimpses that she is a very caring and thoughtful person, but then whether i wanted to or not we got attached over time and i was getting in her way cuz the thought of me was always in the back of her mind. The last time we talked i even suggested she may want to date a co-worker instead, and at least the time they spend it wouldnt feel like "wasted time" to her because they'll be on the same page. Of course that wasnt what i wanted but sometimes while out with me she stares off into space and is constantly thinkin' about her other plans etc. I didnt put my foot down and draw the line clearly because i didnt wanna see her go so we never really wanted to bring up the subject that "dating each other is leading to nowhere." i spoiled her by putting her first before what i wanted... so so weak. I just still cant see how easy it is to get attached meaning the fun & games are thrown right out... when since the beginning i told myself to not even think about focusing on her when there are so many other things i should be putting my energy into. She obviously changed me... because i crumbled... damn not a great feeling but i guess i'll have to continue NC u guys are great cuz i really couldnt see a lot of the things without an outside view on things... thanks Kep: my MSN is [email protected] if you wanna send me the ebook... thanks!
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