aaaaaiiiiieeeee Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Ok I'm not really that happy about it or am I? Of course I don't know if I'm really divorced or not yet, I just got a post card in the mail from the county clerk's informing me where and when I can pick up my certified copy of the judgment of divorce. I feel strange, I'm sad that I haven't heard from her in almost 2 months, but at the same time never want to hear from her again. I'm sure she still feels justified in her cheating and hasn't wasted a moments breath thinking of me so I filed and am now FREE!!! But I digress, so this is such a weird feeling. I've been working so hard these last 4+ months to rid this poison (her) from my system and I feel well accomplished as I'm pretty close to my old happy-go-lucky self again I mean honestly I didn't want to waste 2 years mourning this relationship. So I feel happy and sad at the same time, kind of feels like I'm being pulled in two different directions, is this normal? If so, how long will it last? Perhaps the remnants of the relationship's ghost are still clinging? Still seems surreal. Together for 6 years, married for 3, separated since January, filed in late March, divorced (hopefully) in May.
whichwayisup Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 It's just sad that the marriage couldn't be saved...Once one person decides it's over and wants out, there's not alot the other person can do. Either way, a loss is a loss. 6 years of your life, 3 of them married, that's a good chunk of your life that you got used to and built up. It's okay to grieve that loss, so don't worry about those days that you're sad. It may not be HER, but more the routine of being married, and that particular life you two had together. Enjoy your good days, smile and be happy!
dgiirl Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 It definitely is an odd experience. Sad because what we WANTED our marriage to be never happened, yet relieved that it's "over". Try not to overanlayze yourself too much and just live day by day. Keep working on yourself and focusing on what YOU want. We all grieve our own way and in our own time. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other! Congratulations on your new chapter Make it the best decision you've ever made by making your life just so much better than what you had!
Author aaaaaiiiiieeeee Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 It's just sad that the marriage couldn't be saved...Once one person decides it's over and wants out, there's not alot the other person can do. That my marriage failed is rather sad, but if she prefers to be with someone else what could I do? I love her still I can't lie to myself about it, but the pain of her words and actions have echoed through me enough, that I decided long ago I wasn't going to invest in the relationship any longer. I understand about fighting for the marriage. One of the things that pained me the most was that I truly did take my vows seriously and I realize that her affair easily constitutes as one of those bad times from "...through good times and BAD", but her words were venomous and her actions more so. I did cry a little and told her that I loved her, lost some dignity, but then walked away. I can't wait 6 months, 18 months, or 2 years or however long it takes her to see through the fog, if ever. I'm only 30 but life is too precious to me and I have much left to accomplish to waste my time. If she wants me perhaps she'll look for me, if not I'm ok with that as well. 6 years of your life, 3 of them married, that's a good chunk of your life that you got used to and built up. Talking to my therapist and my brother (not at the same time lol) they said someone that cheats, even if it is their 1st time (her 1st time according to her) would have done so no matter what the state of the marriage. In other words she would have done it no matter what eventually, better I know now than in 10 years with two kids. I got all the partying out of my system years ago (although after the split I went buck wild again for a time) and wanted to settle down. We both wanted kids I guess she just wants kids with someone else she met 5 months before the split. I don't know I feel it's what I want, my family is blessedly functional, I think I'd make a good father. Is monogamy really dead? When I'm in a relationship I give my heart completely, is this something I shouldn't do? It's the first woman that's ever cheated on me (of which I was aware and had flagrantly rubbed in my face) is it just bad luck that it also happened to be the first woman I married? I'm not saying I'm a saint, I've cheated before....when I was 16yo in friggin high school! I've matured since then yet it seems that I married a teenager. Oh well life goes on I know there are some people that reconcile and fall in love again but not all stories are meant to have happy endings. Thanks to Gunny and LadyJane for the advice they really helped put things in perspective.
Trialbyfire Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 All I can say is congrats!! Enjoy your freedom. You deserve to be happy. I do have one favour to ask. Will you go over to my exes place and kick him around the block enough so he'll sign my papers, so I can be completely free too?
Ladyjane14 Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 I'm with Trialbyfire... "Congratulations!!!" :) I say that, even knowing divorce wouldn't have been the preferred outcome if you'd have had your druthers. Because... an apathetic partner, who isn't where they want to be, is nothing more than an albatross hanging around your neck. Freedom is the ability to make of life what YOU most want it to be. And you just can't do that when you're chained to a person who doesn't WANT the best for you. You can't be what YOU were meant to be when you spend all your time trying to bolster up an unhappy person. I'm not saying that there aren't times when good partners make sacrifices for one another. But when you're with a defective partner... that's what you're doing ALL THE TIME. So... congratulations, man. You have the freedom and the opportunity to find out who YOU are, explore the things that are most meaningful to you... and a chance to find BETTER LOVE than what you've had before. Here's to pitching "the old albatross" off the deck.... :bunny:
quiet1one1 Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 I love her still I can't lie to myself about it, Is monogamy really dead? When I'm in a relationship I give my heart completely, is this something I shouldn't do? Sorry and/or glad to hear the news. REALLY THINK about this question, "Do you love HER or just love being attached/married/in a relationship/married life/etc?" You may be surprised what the answer is - if you can find it. No monogamy isn't dead but it's sure on life support. TRUST ME though, there's a gal out there looking for the same things you are. Get yourself together first then go find her.
Tony T Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Ok I'm not really that happy about it or am I? Of course I don't know if I'm really divorced or not yet, I just got a post card in the mail from the county clerk's informing me where and when I can pick up my certified copy of the judgment of divorce. I feel strange, I'm sad that I haven't heard from her in almost 2 months, but at the same time never want to hear from her again. I'm sure she still feels justified in her cheating and hasn't wasted a moments breath thinking of me so I filed and am now FREE!!! But I digress, so this is such a weird feeling. I've been working so hard these last 4+ months to rid this poison (her) from my system and I feel well accomplished as I'm pretty close to my old happy-go-lucky self again I mean honestly I didn't want to waste 2 years mourning this relationship. So I feel happy and sad at the same time, kind of feels like I'm being pulled in two different directions, is this normal? If so, how long will it last? Perhaps the remnants of the relationship's ghost are still clinging? Still seems surreal. Together for 6 years, married for 3, separated since January, filed in late March, divorced (hopefully) in May. A divorce is a very sad thing. If nearly half of people who get married later get divorced, should marriage exist at all? Many people no longer have the give and take attitude marriage requires and they really shouldn't get married in the first place. I'm very glad you're happy about this.
hurting_in_nw Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 I'm with Trialbyfire... "Congratulations!!!" :) I say that, even knowing divorce wouldn't have been the preferred outcome if you'd have had your druthers. Because... an apathetic partner, who isn't where they want to be, is nothing more than an albatross hanging around your neck. Freedom is the ability to make of life what YOU most want it to be. And you just can't do that when you're chained to a person who doesn't WANT the best for you. You can't be what YOU were meant to be when you spend all your time trying to bolster up an unhappy person. I'm not saying that there aren't times when good partners make sacrifices for one another. But when you're with a defective partner... that's what you're doing ALL THE TIME. So... congratulations, man. You have the freedom and the opportunity to find out who YOU are, explore the things that are most meaningful to you... and a chance to find BETTER LOVE than what you've had before. Here's to pitching "the old albatross" off the deck.... :bunny: Great post LJ!
Author aaaaaiiiiieeeee Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 REALLY THINK about this question, "Do you love HER or just love being attached/married/in a relationship/married life/etc?" You may be surprised what the answer is - if you can find it. Absolutely and without a doubt I love her. I've worked hard these last 4+ months to get over this, but "getting over her" I don't think means I not loving her. I'm indifferent to whatever she does and with whomever she does it with and NC has really helped with that (not to mention LS, IC, and many other acronyms). I wish no ill will towards her and have spent considerable time forgiving her. What angered me is the way she treated me to justify her affair, but if I held on to that I never would have moved on. I was also concerned about her getting hurt considering how and where she met this new guy, I believe a healthy adult relationship might be more difficult to manage under those circumstances, but she's a 30some y.o. woman able to make her own decisions, I just won't be there to get blamed if things go wrong. If she were to return would I take her back? After something like this happens I don't think you could take someone back if you wanted to, but you would rather have to start over with them. Freedom is the ability to make of life what YOU most want it to be. And you just can't do that when you're chained to a person who doesn't WANT the best for you. You can't be what YOU were meant to be when you spend all your time trying to bolster up an unhappy person. I'm not saying that there aren't times when good partners make sacrifices for one another. But when you're with a defective partner... that's what you're doing ALL THE TIME. In a normative sense she feels she's the one that sacrificed everything as I was depressed AND finishing school, but I'm still of the opinion that if she was truly miserable she really should have just broken it off and I would have left, instead of putting me through that and playing mind games to boot. I don't think cheating is ever justified!
Gunny376 Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Congruations ~ sorry the marriage didn't work out, but now you've got the opportunity to go out and find someone who appreciates the unique person that you are, instead of dragging a dead horse around with you everywhere you go. Someone who's going to be a part of the solution intead of not just part of the problem ~ but the actual problem, someone who's going to be a part of the answers ~ instead of part of the questions. I read in the paper today that the divore rate is at its lowest since it started peaking in the 70's and 80's primarly because people are opting to marry later in life, after longer courtships, because of the higher per centage that are better educated, (better educated people have more and better coping skills, and are more adaptive, and handle stress better, than individuals with less education). And part of it is that people are simply shacking up more than they use to ~ without the benefit of marriage. Personally, I belive that the "single life" has gotten a bum rap. Sure both marriage and being single has it advantages and disadvantages. But with being single ~ well its hard to go wrong with just yourself. As with anyting you've just need to maintain your balance and use common sense. After I got divorced ~ after twelve years of marriage and three chllder (DD, DS, and SD), I shacked up for six and half years with another woman ~ one the stupidist things I ever did. I was four years out from retiring from the Corps. I should have moved into the SNCO (Staff Noncommissioned Officer barracks. I would have had a room to myself, my only out of pocket expenses would have been cable tv and my telephone. That's it. I could ate three meals a day for less than $5 a day in the chow hall. So for less than $300 a month, I could have had everything I needed for the next four years, while drawing my full pay just as I did when I was married. I figured I could have potentially saved close to a $75,000 to $85,000! But nooooooooooooooooooooo! I had to have me a girlfriend! I had to have me some "puddin'" Six and half years later ~ here I am again! :mad: Damn! I can't afford to keep donig this! I retired finished my degree in BA ~ finance. I sucked it up, and went completly solo ~ took a sabbatical from the dating ~ mating game. I've got six months gross income put back in the bank, (goal is one year ~ took years to get there) I don't pay my insurance premium monthly, quarterly, nor even semi annually ~ once a year. That combined with my 3 grand deductable, my car insurance runs me $44 a month full coverage, including car rental, towing, yadda~yadda. I've got enough put back to replace and engine or transmission, tires, etc on the spot ~ no need to whip out the plastic (this is over and above the six month's gross income,) along with the money put back for registration, tags, etc. I've got money being saved for house repairs, furniture and appliance replacement, birthdays, XMAS, etc. In other words, going a couple of years got me pro-active instead of re-active. I use the CC (Credit Card) it gets paid the day it comes in the mail. My point in all of this is that this an excellent time for you to get your house in order, ( not to imply that its not ~ Hey! I don't know you like that!) Suggest you read: Dave Ramsey's "Complete Money Makeover" and Mary Hunt's "Debt-Proof Lilving" On the personal development side Dr. Phil's "Self Matters" and the accompaing workbook, along with a book titiled "Me, Five Years From Now" Carlos Xuma's "Secrets of The Alpha Male" and David Dangelo's "Double Your Dating" (Goggle these ~ they're web-based e-books) This is a golden opportunity to get the life you want and need. My XW never could comprehend the concept of "You can play now ~ and pay for the rest of your life, or you can pay now, and play the rest of your life!" She could never comprehend that in the beginning its "E=r" which is to say it requires a great amount of effort that yields very little results, but with time, effort and dedication its becomes "e=R" in which very little effort yield hugh RESULTS! BTW? I'm not bragging ~ but the "nut" I've got to crack each month to keep a roof over my head, the lights on, the water running. and drive a dependable (but nice) ride over and above my retirement from the Marines? $248. Had I stayed single, and did my twenty or more in the Corps, I wouldn't even have to work living here in L.A. (Lower Alabama) I would have retired a Master Gunnery Sergeant and just pay some good old boy to drive my drunk azz around and keep me out of trouble! (He'd damn sure earn his pay though!)
Author aaaaaiiiiieeeee Posted May 12, 2007 Author Posted May 12, 2007 I read the same article on the falling divorce rates. We got married around the average age, I was a little younger than average, but nevertheless we're both educated and had hopes and dreams together. When we started having problems much of her past came out, but I don't know how much stock I put into childhood traumas affecting adult behavior and I admit I wasn't very supportive I just gave into argued back with her. Her father was an alcoholic and physically and verbally abused her mother, and I thought well perhaps that's why she still sucks her thumb, and threatened suicide or threatened to kill me...I don't know perhaps she just has a lot of repressed anger. She says relationships shouldn't be this hard...maybe she's right, maybe they are easier, I can't remember the details of my past relationships, but they seem to have been easier, then again I could just only be remembering the good times. My future looks pretty good now and I have to admit I'm looking forward to it as a single for now. I'm taking a couple of trips this summer. Going to Cuzco for the sun festival and then hiking the Inca trail to Machu Picchu. Then visiting family that lives on the Caribbean in South America; going down with friends to do some diving and relaxing.
Art_Critic Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 When I got divorced I was indifferent when the day rolled around.. I went to court then an hour later I was at work.. No biggie.. I was sad for a day.. but at the same time I was happy that I finally got to start my life without her.. I took my vows seriously but couldn't take it any longer.. Mental instability is one thing that the vows don't consider... I wanted the divorce after 5 years.. and it took me 7 months to go thru the process.. Today 6 years later I'm VERY happy about it...I have a wonderful Sexy GF that trips my trigger...
Author aaaaaiiiiieeeee Posted May 14, 2007 Author Posted May 14, 2007 Well I was opposed to the divorce at first, but then as time went on w/o contact with her I had time to think about what exactly made me happy to be with her. The more I thought about it the more I was left wondering why I put up with so much, in other words I never enforced my boundaries. After that since her contact was very little towards me it made it easier to walk away and not look back, and now I'm glad she never contacted me again. What I miss and is the way I used to see myself in her eyes so the day other day when the divorce was final I became rather sad, but not b/c I missed her as a person but because of how happy I was with her at first. Then again isn't everyone happy when new love springs about? I've come pretty far in such a short time, but I'm still working on being able to trust again, because she really did break my heart with her affair.
Recommended Posts