whattothink Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 So, I had a first date last week and towards the end he blurted (and I mean blurted) out that he has two girls. When is the proper time to tell someone that you have children??? We talked all week before the date and some think he should have told me then...others say they are surprised he told me on the first date. What do you all think???
whichwayisup Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 I think he was nervous...Maybe he didn't know when to let you know? Anyway, atleast he told you and didn't wait a week or so after afew more dates. Do you like him? How do you feel about him having children now that you know?
Guest Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 I don't know when or if there is a "proper" time, but I usually make sure I have mentioned them before someone might think of asking me out. Kids can be a total turn off for some people, and they are the focus of my life so...
love4 Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 I think when you have children you need to be up front from the beggining. I would wonder why he didn't tell you from the the get go! Is he ashamed? I have four daughters and I am recently divorced, but I am always up front because I'm proud of being a mother and I would not want to mislead anyone. Good Luck.
Enema Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 I think it should be said very early. A lot of people have definite yes/no's about dating people with children. Better to get it out there soon and avoid wasting everyones' time.
sb129 Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Maybe he wanted to tell you in person, and was nervous about what kind of reaction you might have. I don't think hes done anything wrong, he has told you fairly early- on the first date no less!
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 I expect he wanted you to get to know him as a guy first, and get to like him based on what you talked about rather than run the risk of you writing him off immediately because he has kids. Those of who have kids and date are well aware that a good deal of single people would immediately write us off because of that, regardless of how good of a couple we might make otherwise. I'm not saying its right to hide the fact that you have kids - in fact, I think you should tell someone that pretty much right from the beginning, however - I can understand why he wouldn't say so at the very beginning.
nicki Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Yeah, maybe he should have worked it into your second or third conversation, but not everybody is good at being subtle....hence, the blurting it out on the first date! At least he wanted you to know by the end of the first date. How did you react? I remember a guy telling me on the first date that he had a daughter that he hadn't seen in years. Her mother had moved out of the country with her and he couldn't locate her... I asked him why he told me that on our first date, and he said he wanted to be honest with me about everything, from the very beginning. I respected him for that. Your guy sounds equally honest, and maybe a bit nervous that kids will be a deal breaker for you.
Aloros Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 My bf didn't tell me he had two kids until six months into the relationship *facepalm!*. I think it's something that should be said early on, so a person knows exactly what they're getting themselves into. First date is fine. He probably just didn't want you to write him off.
amaysngrace Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 I think he waited until after the first date to have the chance for you to get to know him before writing him off. If he told you sooner, you may not have dated him from his perspective. He told you on the first date so that you can use what you already know about him from your first date and also use the knowledge that he's a dad to make a determination if you'll like to see him again. I think he did the right thing.
robkris8079 Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Well when I first started talking to woman I was actually still married. No it's not like that I was in the process of a divorce. I have custody of my daughter so both things were said within a few days of talking to the women. Always before we went on our first date. The women usually asked about me and that's when I showed them a pic of me holding my daughter on my phone. I'm so proud and happy that I have her I'm always excited to show her off! Plus she is a part of me and who I am so it needs to be known it's a package deal! Then of course you get the question "where's the mother?". So I would explain that I'm going through the divo and she lives elsewhere. It was actually a pretty good screening process! Long story short, if having kids bothers you in any way just walk away. They will always come before you. And I feel it should have been told before the date was even planned.
jamileigh78 Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 My boyfriend has 3 kids, and he was a little late telling me. We had talked on the phone for 2 weeks before our first date, and our conversations were very long and personal at times. Plenty of opportunity to tell me about his kids. But he waited until our first date, before he took me back to his house where I would see pink bedrooms, baby dolls, and toy trucks, before he told me. It really bothered me b/c I felt like he was making sure he "had me" before he told me about them. I understand he was probably afraid of scaring me away and wanted me to get to know HIM first, but I still feel like he tricked me, in a way.
amaysngrace Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 I understand he was probably afraid of scaring me away and wanted me to get to know HIM first, but I still feel like he tricked me, in a way. I can understand that. I like this thread. I'm a single mom myself. The only guys I've been with since my divorce were fully aware that I had children before they ever showed an interest. So I guess I didn't know what's really right or wrong when you meet someone who doesn't know you have kids. I think putting it out there is probably best. And let the person decide if they even want to date someone with kids. I take back my first thought in thinking he did the right thing. He should have told you before the date.
Teddy and Jane Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 I don't think he was obligated to tell you that until the date. He wanted to get to know you in person, and he met you in person and apparently felt that he did want to see you again, so he told you on the first date. It's not like you had emotionally invested anything after one week of talking on the phone and one date. If after the first date he didn't feel a spark, he wouldn't have needed to tell you about his kids because he probably wouldn't see you again anyway, so why should you know that personal business so early? I think he did fine. Now you are free to date him again or not.
jcster Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 My poor mother didn't find out about my dad's child from a previous marriage until they were married - and she found out when the girl ran into the house yelling "daddy!" So, I think your guy did fine. I think he really likes you and wanted to get to know you a little bit first before letting you know.
Author whattothink Posted May 12, 2007 Author Posted May 12, 2007 Thanks everyone! I actually think he did tell me at the right time. Now when we chat on the phone he talks about the girls, which is nice. When he first told me I wasn't quite sure how to react, but then asked about them. Personally, I feel like it was a lot better to tell me in person as well. Thanks again! Everyone always provides honest feedback which is what makes this site so great!
Shizz Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 He told you fairly soon, and I think that this is fair of him. I think people should tell right away, sure it loses you some dates, and some people aren't ready for the commitment it takes. To date such a someone, means you'll have to eventually interact with their kids. Like me, for instance, I tell people right away I'm a pet owner. Love me, love my dog. And he is a big dog.
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