Responsible for my own happiness? I don't understand...

[inthegroove]

My girlfriend and I are going through a serious rough patch - basically she is not sure whether she wants to be with me - there are so many aspects of this problem I could post about here, but here's what I'm trying to understand at the moment...

 

I have often heard people say that you can't depend on your partner (or anyone else) for your happiness, and that everyone is responsible for their own feelings. This makes sense to me on an intellectual level, but these days my emotional state is completely dependent on how my girlfriend is feeling. If she's affectionate and positive about our relationship, I feel great because it gives me hope that we'll get through this. If she's distant and pessimistic, I feel terrible because I'm afraid I'm going to lose her.

 

So here's my question: How can you have feelings for a person without having them affect the way you feel?

 

Thanks for any ideas!

J

[serial muse]

Well, I think maybe the way to look at it is like this. Of course it's going to be disappointing if the person you're interested in isn't behaving as you'd like/expect/want them to behave. Of course you'll be sad!

 

But even though an emotional response (disappointment, hurt, etc) is absolutely natural, it's also important to understand what other thoughts that pain is leading you to. I think that's the crux of "you're responsible for your own happiness." In other words, try to understand whether that disappointment is actually leading you to think negative things about yourself, and/or whether you're allowing the current situation to take total control over your sense of who you are and your state of mind. It's really a way of reminding yourself that you have the ultimate power over your own happiness, not someone else - things with your GF are upsetting, but they do not need to set the tone for your whole life.

 

Basically, it's the difference between being sad and disappointed about this situation, but being able to keep it in perspective - or letting it take over. For example, by despising yourself because you're thinking "it never works out" or "I'm unlovable" or other extreme thoughts that aren't truly tied to what's going on.

 

I don't think anyone would say you don't have good cause to feel hurt and upset when a relationship is on the rocks or goes under - but it's more a question of whether you can keep it in perspective. This relationship may not work out, but that doesn't mean anything catastrophic about you, or relationships, etc.

 

If you're able to maintain some sense of self and perspective and optimism even amid the disappointment, then I think that you are, in essence, taking responsibility for your own happiness.

[Improvised]

How can you have feelings for a person without having them affect the way you feel?

 

I think this is the fundamental question that led the Philosopher Baruch Spinoza to develop his entire metaphysical system--basically his answer to why everything in the world is the way it is. What he concludes is that everything is really just one thing--God, nature, substance...whatever you want to call it. He thinks that happiness will come through our love for this substance--we can't (and I would agree with him) just find happiness from within ourselves. Though his love for substance is not the kind of "thanks for making me what I am love" most tend to have for that which they deem their creator; it's more of a forced love in the only thing that he thinks is stable in the world.

 

While I don't necessarily agree with all of Spinoza's reasoning and metaphysics, I think there is something to this notion of a love for (as he puts is) "that which is stable". He believes that our happiness is predicated through what we love. I've found in my life, as well as with others I have observed, that this tends to be true. In the past I would attaching myself to those who were unstable, and this led me into a state of unstable happiness. What I found was that I had a tendency to thrive on those unstable kinds of relationships--maybe due to poor upbringing or something...who knows? Anyway, it was not until I could find myself happy with someone who was stable that I really began feeling like my life moved in the right direction.

 

I guess the point I'm trying to make is this: Those we love are always going to affect the way we feel so it's hard for us to control our happiness in this sense. Though were we do have control seems to be in our ability to choose who (or what) we love. As horrible as this idea might seem to you right now, maybe she is not the best person to receive your love. I don't know her like you do, but it sounds like she lacks the kind of stability you should seek. Everyone is going to go through ups and downs in a relationship, but you shouldn't have to worry about abandonment every time things go bad.

 

That's just my two cents, for what it's worth.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

My girlfriend and I are going through a serious rough patch - basically she is not sure whether she wants to be with me - there are so many aspects of this problem I could post about here, but here's what I'm trying to understand at the moment...

I have often heard people say that you can't depend on your partner (or anyone else) for your happiness, and that everyone is responsible for their own feelings. This makes sense to me on an intellectual level, but these days my emotional state is completely dependent on how my girlfriend is feeling. If she's affectionate and positive about our relationship, I feel great because it gives me hope that we'll get through this. If she's distant and pessimistic, I feel terrible because I'm afraid I'm going to lose her.

 

So here's my question: How can you have feelings for a person without having them affect the way you feel?

 

Thanks for any ideas!

J

 

That's the core of your problem. Her doubting the relationship and its future potential. Until you resolve that, you will keep on swinging on this yo-yo of "happy" and "sad".

 

It takes two to tango, so you're not unjustified in feeling hopeful one moment and not-so-hopeful the next, depending on what your girlfriend hints.

 

I've been in your situation, where I've tried to "find my own happiness" in a relationship. It doesn't work that way. Both of you are responsible for the other's happiness to a certain degree. It's up to both partners to reaffirm each other's faith in the relationship.

 

Ask her to make up her mind. To be honest, once a person starts seriously doubting, the damage is almost irreversible.

[halfarock]

Sometime in my past (I don’t recall exactly when) I decided that I was going to be happy. If I recall correctly my thoughts at the time was that if I was happy all the time that it would mess with other people’s heads. Why is he always so happy? Once I got into the frame of mind that I was going to be happy it soon seemed that I found good and interesting things in everything and everyone that I encountered. After awhile it just seemed that I was always happy – not forced or superficial but genuinely happy.

 

Things that make other people happy just make me happier and when things that bring others down, I just take with a grain of salt and deal with it. Really it’s just the way I’ve come top see the world.

 

Turns out that my happiness contributes to my wonderful health and it draws a lot of people to me in a good way, which only adds to my happiness.

 

If I was in your position I would probably take a somewhat nonchalant attitude. Sure the situation might make me a bit sad but, you know, if I let it get me down it would do no one any good. Besides, my upbeat attitude is one of the things that draws my girlfriend to me. If you are all sad and in the dumps it doesn’t inspire your girlfriend to keep you around. Even if your girlfriend ends up dumping you, think of all the interesting adventures you’ll have finding another and the prospect of falling in love again.

[Diamonds&Rust]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

(not an accusation, just something to think about and be aware of)

 

Also, you should definitely find other things that make you happy, and enjoy the hell out of them. Sometimes when my girlfriend was in a bad mood and didn't want to talk about it, I'd leave the room and play Scarface. Didn't necessarily feel better about our relationship, but certainly enjoyed several hours of selling yayo, burying cock-a-roaches, and telling Angelo to bring my ****ing car right now.

 

If your relationship ends up not working out, you'll at least avoid the feeling that you don't have anything else to make you happy. Also, you don't want to give the impression that your affection is conditional.