Kasie1980 Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 So I'm dating a new guy, we've been dating about 6 months and something happened yesterday that really irritated me. My boyfriend is really bad with money. He works but lives paycheck to paycheck. He works construction so his pay is not always the same every week like mine. But I have my own place (rented), a new 2007 car that I just bought and though I'm not rich I normally have money left over at the end of the two weeks before I get paid again and I also have a savings acount. Well my boyfriend lives with his brother, pays only the cable bill, doesn't even buy groceries that often and he only has a car payment. He receives no child support from his ex so has to pay for stuff for his son but his parents help him out a lot with that. Anyhow when we go out sometimes he pays for me too (dinner) but hardly ever at all and I understand that cause of his son and he doesn't have much money. I think he has paid for me about 5 times and I've bought him dinner or to a movie a few times. Plus I've bought school clothes for his son and took his son (just him and me) to the movies and out to eat before. Well yesterday my boyfriend's ex was supposed to get their son for her court ordered visitation. She is not good about showing up for this and suprise suprise she didnt' show up yesterday. I was planning to take my boyfreind out to eat with my sister. I was going to pay for both of them. (it would have been the first time my sister met my boyfriend as she lives out of state). Well my sister cancelled but it still would have just been my boyfriend and I alone as his ex was supposed to pick their son up. I didnt' mind paying for my boyfriend since I knew he had No money and doesnt' get paid till friday. We were just going to chain restaurant but our meal would have been about $30. Well my boyfriend calls me and says his ex didn't even call so he still has his son with him. He asks what I want to do adn I suggested we take him to the park to play. Well my boyfriend kept dropping hints that he was hungry but I ignored them as I didnt' think I should have to pay for his son as well and it was supposed to be a nice relaxing date with JUST my boyfriend. I like his son but he does not behave at restaurants. he runs around and lays on the floor and stuff. So I did not want to take him. Plus I dont' think I should have to pay for him even though it would probably only be an extra ten dollars. He's not my responsibility and maybe thats mean but I wouldn't expect that if my boyfriend invited ME to dinner that I could just bring my sister and expect him to pay for her dinner too. That wouldnt' be right. I know thats not the same thing but its as close a comparison as I can get. To end this my boyfriend was very upset that I felt I shouldn't have to pay for his son's dinner too. He didnt come out and accuse me of it but he kept saying I dont' see the problem. Well the problem was I was willing to pay for dinner for a nice date for the TWO of us but once his son was involved I thought it was better to do something more kid friendly and also didnt' want to fork out the extra money. I think my boyfriend should have called his ex and told her to pick up her son instead of ignoring the situation. Am I being selfish not wanting to pay for his son or should this be HIS responsibility?
Enema Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 You are not being selfish. But, you are being silly. Sit down with your boyfriend and explain to him exactly how you feel about spending money on the three of you. Not necessarily this incident in particular, you want to branch away from there so he understands it's a general rule. If he gets angry about your inclination not to pay for his problems... leave him, he has no grounds for being anything but embarassed and guilty here.
Krytellan Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 I can see all sides to this. You were gonna pay for your bf and sister to eat anyway, so what's the difference? Sounds like your issue is really with his son going to dinner with you at all. Also, are you sure he wasn't willing to pay for his son's dinner? I don't know, I think this whole thing is the manifestation of a larger issue. Maybe jealousy or resentment. What do you think?
Lizzie60 Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Just like Krytellan said, you were ready to pay for your sister... but I agree with you... the kid is not your responsibility AS WELL as the bf. What a loser! sorry but I have no patience with guys like that... no backbone, wants his gf to pay for him and his kid... I would never date a guy like that.
Walk Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 He asks what I want to do and I suggested we take him to the park to play. Well my boyfriend kept dropping hints that he was hungry but I ignored them as I didnt' think I should have to pay for his son as well Maybe I read this wrong, but sounded to me like your bf was trying to say he was hungry. NOT that he wanted you to drop $60 bucks on dinner, but what was wrong with you suggesting the three of you pick up a pizza for $20 and eating it at the park? Then you could also ASK him if he could cover part of it. Or you could tell him to grab something to eat while you got ready, and you'd meet him over at the park... or something... But what I really got from your whole post is that you two don't talk. You assume a great deal... but no actual communciation happens. You didn't even attempt to talk to him or ask questions, but your upset now. You sound like your problem is with the kid, not the bf. And if the kid hadn't been there, then you would've happily paid a great deal with out any fuss. It was only when the kid messed up your plans that you got upset. I think [bf] has paid for me about 5 times and I've bought him dinner or to a movie a few times. This sounds like your bf takes you out more often then you've taken him out. His 5 times versus your "a few". So what is really bugging you? Is it just because he has a kid? If you don't want the hassel of a kid, then don't date the guy. boyfriend lives with his brother, pays the cable bill, has a car payment. He receives no child support from his ex so has to pay for stuff for his son I'm having a hard time blaming the bf for not having money. Kids are expensive. Construction doesn't pay all that great, especially off season. My cousins and uncle work construction and they're barely scraping by... no new cars, or restaurant outings. How much does your bf earn an hour? Assuming he works 40 hours a week, then he's earning $21-29 thousand a year. And you're pissed he isn't pouring more of that into you? So, yeah.. the word selfish is coming to mind when I read your post... maybe I'm misunderstanding the situation. But the way I see it, you're being selfish. You were happy to pay for the bf and your sister when it benefited you. Now that the horride kid is along you blatantly refuse to even contemplate a kiddy burger at McD's. You make enough to buy a brand new car, and you're throwing a fit that your bfs ex didn't pick up the kid and now you have to shell out an additional $2 on a burger and small fries.
nicki Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 I was thinking the same thing as Walk. Why not downgrade dinner to McDonald's or Pizza? Afterall, who can deny a child when he/she is hungry? If the kid doesn't behave in restaurants, then save yourself that headache and get take out. But, if you are upset because you were hoping for time alone with your boyfriend, then I understand that. You have to look at the whole picture and keep it balanced. Sometimes you will have his son, and sometimes he will make time for just the two of you. You do need couple time, as well as "family" time. I've dealt with the same situation. It's tricky, but it can be done. Just understand that the child's feelings in all of this are very important. You don't want him to feel that he is in the way when he just wants to be with his dad. Try to keep it balanced and smile if you find that you unexpectedly have his son with you. Arrange an alone date for another time. And, don't ever act that cheap again because you want to push a point. Feed the kid, and talk to your boyfriend later.
kasie1980 Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 I think this is about other issues and not just that I didnt' want to pay a few extra bucks for his son to eat. The fact is my boyfriend makes $12 hr and I make $13 hr. He does have to pay for his son but I have a rent payment, a $300 car payment, plus buy all my own groceries and pay my utilities (I do not have a roomate). so I pay for all this and yet I still have money for extras and I have a savings account with a little less than $10,000 in it. My boyfriend doesn't have $10 saved. He literally lives paycheck to paycheck. He pays no rent (lives with his brother) he pays two household bills and rarely even buys groceries (he and his son just eat whatever his brother buys) and he may give his brother $50-$100 every two months or something for food. He has a car payment (which he is always late paying) and the other day when we were supposed to go to dinner, I KNEW that I would be paying because my boyfriend literally did not have even $1 left from his paycheck. He gets paid the end of the week. So yes, I was willing to take my sister and my boyfriend out (so they could meet) and pay for them, and then when that didnt' work I was willing to pay for my boyfriend and I to have a nice date. But I didn't want to have to pay for his son too. Well actually I didnt' want to be EXPECTED to pay for him too. I mean I wasn't even thinking that we would all three go out to eat because his son gets ansty and hates sitting in one place so a restaurant (unless it has a playground like a Mcdonalds) is not a good place for him. So I had already grabbed a bite to eat before I met with them. But the fact that my boyfriend had NO money and yet still wanted to go out to eat (with his son too) then he EXPECTED me to provide the payment for that food as he had NO money. I don't have anything against his son and I've done alot for him. I've bought him school clothes ($200) because his dad couldnt' afford them, I've taken him to movies and an amusement park and paid for it all myself. So it's not like its equal in the who-pays for each date- department. Yes, my boyfriend may have paid for two more dates than me but I"ve also spent money on his son for other things. Normally we each pay our own half of dinner. We do communicate and talk about a lot but I feel like I cant' bring up the money issue. its hard to believe our salaries only differ by $1 hr because of how differently we manage money. I just dont like to be expected to foot the bill. Not that I'm cheap but I dont' want my boyfriend to just think I'll pay for everything. I mean there have been times he's had money and we'll go out to Subway or something and he'll tell the cashier to ring the orders separately (when I get a $3 sandwhich). So its not like he's overly generous either. I wasn't mad that his son was joining us, I just thought it would be better to do something he would enjoy instead of being miserable stuck at a restaurant.
Walk Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 6 months is a long enough time period to tackle that dreaded topic of "money". You're just going to have the face the bullet and bring it up. A couple suggestions though... Try to stay away from phrases that imply he's not spending enough on you. ie: how he doesn't pay for dates, buy gifts, or pay for purchases when out together. Most people will get defensive and interpret it as greed on your part. This isn't really about what he's spending on you (from what I can tell), it seems to be his lack of appreciation for what you do, and his assumption that you will shell out and he doesn't owe you a thing for doing it. If those are the problems, then address those. Think about what is really bugging you most about his actions. What feelings are behind the anger? I find brainstorming on a piece of paper helps... write out the feelings, why you feel that way (things that bother you and why). For example: You're upset that he assumes you'll always pay. Why does that upset you? Because it makes you feel taken for granted. Why is that? because it sends a message that he's with you for what you can do for him. What aspects of behavior could either one of you change that would help this situation? It would help you if he showed his appreciation more, or voiced it more. If he would acknowledge that you are giving him something you don't have to give, and express appreciation for the gift. What non-monetary ways can he show you he appreciates you and what you do for him and his son? etc. Then go talk to him about the things you've choosen as the "big" problems, and leave the little annoyance problems for a later time. Last thought.. I'm assuming you had an idea about his monetary situation when you first started dating him...? At the very least, you may have known he didn't have much money. So what changed since then? Has his behavior changed? Have you changed? The 6 month point is usually where all those wonderful endorphins wear off and we start to really see our partner for who they are. It might be time to take a hard look at what you want in a life long partner, and decide if you should even ask your bf to change to suit what you want. Can he change? And how much would he need to change in order to be who you want him to be? just food for thought.... Good luck with this. Keep us posted.
Teddy and Jane Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 He is being immature. You need a man who won't put you in the mommy role of paying for everything. Dude needs to get himself an education and grow up before he should even attempt dating anyone.
melodymatters Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 There is a tendency here on LS to elevate every child ever mentioned to the status of baby jesus.Somone dares to say their BF's kid does something annoying and ten people jump on them saying " It's a CHILD ( genuflect) followed by : Then you shouldn't be dating him/her !!!!" I personally think a grown man with a job and a child should MAKE SURE that HE has money to feed his kid, and if HE doesn't, then HE should feed him at home or pack him some sandwiches !
jamileigh78 Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 I don't think this has anything to do with not wanting to get a child something to eat. I mean, if he was starving, of course you'd buy him some food. I think you are probably starting to feel a little taken advantage of and are starting to fight back. My boyfriend works construction and also has custody of his 3 kids. He still has money to take me out for a few meals a month (it might be at McDonalds, but I'm OK with that), and the kids don't suffer in the process. Your boyfriend could buy your dinner here and there. Trust me. So I think you are just getting tired of being EXPECTED to pay for everything, just b/c you are responsible with your money and have a little more than he does. It might be that you have to pay for your dates to a restaurant and he pays at fast food, but you're both still contributing. Just make it clear that if YOU give a little you expect him to give a little too. Don't get caught in the trap of always paying. However, you wil always be putting forth more money for things, and you'll just have to accept it.
Kengne Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 There is a tendency here on LS to elevate every child ever mentioned to the status of baby jesus.Somone dares to say their BF's kid does something annoying and ten people jump on them saying " It's a CHILD ( genuflect) followed by : Then you shouldn't be dating him/her !!!!" :laugh: SHE saidddddddddddd... BABY JESUS!
Walk Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 There is a tendency here on LS to elevate every child ever mentioned to the status of baby jesus.Somone dares to say their BF's kid does something annoying and ten people jump on them saying " It's a CHILD ( genuflect) followed by : Then you shouldn't be dating him/her !!!!" Her original quote was: I was planning to take my boyfreind out to eat with my sister. I was going to pay for both of them. I didnt' mind paying for my boyfriend since I knew he had No money and doesnt' get paid till friday. the problem was I was willing to pay for dinner for a nice date for the TWO of us but once his son was involved I thought it was better to do something more kid friendly and also didnt' want to fork out the extra money. Yeah, it's not baby jesus... but he's not the guys dog either. And I honestly believe that if you don't like the way the kid behaves, and feel you shouldn't have to "fork out the extra money" for the kid (when she was the one that originally asked the dad out in the first place).. then don't date the dad. Obviously the dad has a style of parenting that she doesn't agree with, so having kids with him in the future is going to be iffy anyway. She doesn't agree with how he spends his money, so there's another massive problem. And she feels the dad expects her to pay for the child while she obviously doesn't feel she should... which is another huge difference in view points. In conclusion.. I'm sticking to my original suggestion. Dump the dad. If you're willing to date the dad without the kid, but adding in the kid causes a fight.. then either wait til the kid moves out to date the dad, or find a guy who can afford his own kids.
kasie1980 Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 I don't have anything against my boyfriend's son. I take the time to play with him, I've taken him out by myself so just the two of us can do things together, I never spend the night when his son is there, I always make sure his son doesn't feel left out or that I'm taking his dad's attention away from him. I do a lot for him, its not so much about his son wanting to go to dinner, its that he had NO money and just assumed/expected me to pick up the tab for an extra person at dinner. Yes, I was willing to pay for dinner for my sister and my boyfriend but that was because it was a special occassion. And then I was willing to pay for dinner for my boyfriend and myself when my sister couldnt' make it because it would have been a date where we were alone and not eating at Burger King where we normally take his son. And no, I didnt' know that my boyfriend was bad with money in the beginning. Because at first and for several months, all I knew was that he lived with his brother (I assumed they shared the rent), he drove a decent vehicle and that he didnt' receive child support. but little by little I've found out that he has horrible credit, never pays his bills on time, his parents actually took him shopping for his son's christmas gifts (they paid) and they also bought his son birthday presents and let my boyfriend put his name on them (as he had no money to do so) In the beginning of our relationship we never really went out on dates where anyone had to pay (maybe a few times we went to dinner) we normally did kid-friendly things such as go to parks, and go fishing and just stay at home and watch movies. His son is with him all the time (his mother only takes him maybe one day a week) so he is there all the time and I have no problem with that. If I had a problem with the child I would have never started dating my boyfriend because from the beginning he's been there 24/7. If my boyfriend had invited me to dinner (and when I invited him he had no idea I was paying for my sister) and I accepted but my sister wanted to tag along for some reason, would it be right to invite her to the dinner and EXPECT my boyfriend to pay for her dinner as well? I don't think to. Thats why I was bugged because my boyfriend wanted to go out to eat instead of grabbing somethign from home and he now had his son with him, he had no money at all and he EXPECTED me to pay for his son's dinner instead of him just making him something at home to eat before they met with me. Its not as though the boy was starving and crying in front of me and I refused to feed him.
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