righthearted Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 My girlfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me a few weeks ago - she feels like she depends on me for everything (all she knew was us) and she has literally no friends and her career is totally up in the air as she just graduated a summer ago. So there are a lot of UNKNOWNS for her right now. She was also considering moving in with me this summer so I'm sure this placed more pressure upon her. She did say that when we broke up that it was the hardest thing for her and that she still wanted to be friends and that she just didn't FEEL the same for me. I should say that she is younger than I am - 22 to my 29. I never put the pressure on her though, she was the one that really moved fast. Anyway this is where we're at now, after we broke up I didn't call her I did complete no-contact. Then this last Saturday she called me crying - she was having a bad day and was really missing me. I kept the tone very easy and just made her laugh, it was really hard and I reassured her that I was always there for her. Then she sends me this email - Was it okay that I called you on Saturday? I was having a bad day and I was upset and all I could think about was how much I missed you. You have always been there for me whenever I needed you. I really hope I did not make things more difficult for you. I know you are trying to get on with your life. Do you think that in time we will be able to remain friends? I guess I will talk to you later. Thank you for being there for me on Saturday. I really needed to hear your voice. Then the other day I ran into her at a gas station - she could have easily avoided me but instead came over to say hi and then she asked for a hug, we exchanged a really nice hug and I told her to have a good day and to have a safe trip (she's leaving for a long weekend with her family). I want her back just not as a friend and I don't want to misinterpret what she's saying/doing. If she was trying to reconcile would she just flat out say it? or is she just trying to get me back as a friend? And if I go into the friendzone is it possible to rekindle what we had?
Author righthearted Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 Can anyone give me some advice/insight?
Chamari Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Don't know how helpful I can be but I'll give it a shot. First off, know that I'm totally against playing mind games. I say that because I see a lot of people say to go NC anytime you break up, either to help you get over it faster (which makes sense), or if you want them back so you give them time to miss you. While this kind of advice does make some kind of sense, at the same time it seems like playing games to me. Anyways, my guess on this whole thing is that she really doesn't know what she wants at this point. I'm in kind of a similiar situation right now--I'm 20 and just broke up with the only guy I've ever dated. It wasn't because I don't care about him, just that because he IS the only guy I've ever dated I had nothing to compare him to, no idea if I was with him because I really loved him or if I was just scared of being alone. That and I felt like I had gotten so caught up in the relationship that I was kind of losing touch with my friends and letting go of activites that I really enjoyed--not because he was putting any pressure on me or anything, but because I wanted to be with him and forgot to keep my life balanced. So, we broke up and I'm taking this time to re-balance my life. I don't know your gf so it's hard to say, but the bit you posted sounded a lot like me to me. I don't know how much you talk and how well you communicate but if it seems reasonable, I'd suggest just telling her how you feel. I don't think that that works for everyone, but depending on your relationship it could be a good thing to do. Maybe she's not ready to reconcile yet, but given some time maybe she will come back. Right now, my ex and I still talk/IM a good amount. We discussed things and for now we are friends. Granted, it helps a LOT that we're currently living in different states. The first time I talked to him after we broke up he made it clear that he cared about me but also that he understood why I needed this break and that he was leaving things entirely up to me as to how much contact was okay and such. As it is, yes, it can be a little awkward at times, but at least we both know where we stand right now. Sorry for the horrendously long rambling post. As I said, this probably wouldn't work for everyone, but from my perspective it's better to go through the awkwardness of talking about it and establishing where you both stand. And just for the record, you don't have to go NC to make them miss you. I still think that I need this time for me, but I still miss him a ton even though we do talk.
Author righthearted Posted May 14, 2007 Author Posted May 14, 2007 thanks for your insight. i do want to contact her i just don't want to put pressure upon her. but so far since our break up, she has been the one to initiate contact. when she called me she said that she's seen me running and that she still looks down my street when she drives home and that she misses going to church together.
krzr Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 grats on backburner...... are u gonna call her the next time u are feeling emotional and feel like u need her to talk to? probably not because she probably wont be there for u. its just not fair in my opinion just depends how much you are willing to put up with. this is the type of stuff that keeps you tied to her and giving you hope but she knows that too and while she tried to find herself your stuck in that limbo with her.
Ormolu611 Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 thanks for your insight. i do want to contact her i just don't want to put pressure upon her. but so far since our break up, she has been the one to initiate contact. when she called me she said that she's seen me running and that she still looks down my street when she drives home and that she misses going to church together. I just say be careful. She tells you these things about missing going to church with you and that she looks down your street when she drives by - to what end? What is her intention by telling you these things? In my opinion, the only reason that she would say things like this without necessarily wanting to get back is that she is frightened. She is afraid of being alone right now and she wants you to hold her hand as she goes through this stressful change (leaving you). Yes, essentially, she is seeking support from you to make it a little easier to leave you. This means that as soon as she has gotten through the tough parts involving all of the uncertainty (finds another friend or another boyfriend), she will not need you any more. Just my thoughts . . . anyone else have any other ideas or input? I think the decison to go no contact or not is a very personal one obviously, but if you still really care for her and have feelings for her, I say be very careful if you decide to proceed as her emotional support system or crutch. Protect yourself and good luck to you.
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