HappyAtLast Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 TF - I guess I do not understand why he does not take steps to get divorced. Where there is a will, there is a way. When I was getting divorced years ago I wanted to be free. I did not want my OW to feel like she was spending time with "someone else's husband". I wanted her to know that I was her's exclusively.
marlena Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 "it's been five years. my take is, he's not getting a divorce for some complicated emotional reasons. money is just not the issue here". Yes, I tend to agree with this statement. I am in a similar situation (hopefully not for long). He says he has been separated for six years!!! This I have no way of collaborating. Property issues the extended excuse. And IMO it most definitely is an excuse. I don't buy it for a second. He is lying. Something else is going on here. Perhaps both are just not emotionally ready to legally end their divorce. Perhaps they are still carrying a torch for eachother. In my case there are no children as far as I know that is. As you can see I am extremely suspicious of him. Your case is different though. After all you have been living with him for five years. That's a long time. By now, you'd think he would have resolved any issues he has with her, whether emotional or financial. And yes I agree with another poster in here "Just believe and never question" is not the way confront life or problems. Don't let anyone manipulate into thinking this is the stance you should adopt. Intelligence and an inquisitive mind go hand in hand. It is a terrible situation to be in, I know TF!! I wish you luck (and myself, of course)!
frannie Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 TogetherForever, leaving aside the money and the (unlikely, surely?) event of her forbidding you at his bedside... Have you actually brought this issue up with him, and what does he say about it? Does he know how you feel? And what is his reaction to that? If it really is a case of only a piece of paper and everyone is ok with everything otherwise... then I don't see the problem... ARE you happy with him..? What are the deeper issues here..? It's not at all unusual for a man to delay, delay, delay on a divorce because of fears of moving forward, fears of re-marriage, or being alone. Is that what's happening..?
Author TogetherForever Posted May 29, 2007 Author Posted May 29, 2007 When I did question him, he said I make a bigger issue out of it than it really is. He see's it as just a peice of paper. He also thinks he'll never get sick & end up in the hospital. I haven't brought the subject up in a while but I plan on it.
Ripples Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 I don't know if this has already been mentioned, but do you think it's just a case of being a man (ok, huge generalisation, sorry ). You know, the way that men don't do stuff if they don't see a point? My exBF was separated from his wife for seven years before they finally got divorced and then they only did it because she instigated it because she wanted to remarry. It seems that men, sometimes, don't fix something they think isn't broken, and it has to be broken for them rather than their partner. They can be kinda selfish at times... Either way, I hope it works out for you 1
Author TogetherForever Posted May 29, 2007 Author Posted May 29, 2007 I don't know if this has already been mentioned, but do you think it's just a case of being a man (ok, huge generalisation, sorry ). You know, the way that men don't do stuff if they don't see a point? My exBF was separated from his wife for seven years before they finally got divorced and then they only did it because she instigated it because she wanted to remarry. It seems that men, sometimes, don't fix something they think isn't broken, and it has to be broken for them rather than their partner. They can be kinda selfish at times... Either way, I hope it works out for you Hi Ripples, He just thinks it's not a big deal. She's moved on & he doesn't bother with her unless it's re:the kids. Maybe someday she'll want to remarry & things will get rollin'.
Ripples Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 So it does sound like I said then. Hmm, it's tough, isn't it? It's so frustrating, and hurtful, when one's other half doesn't give credibility to something that's important to us. Have you explained it to him like YSM mentioned?
Author TogetherForever Posted May 29, 2007 Author Posted May 29, 2007 So it does sound like I said then. Hmm, it's tough, isn't it? It's so frustrating, and hurtful, when one's other half doesn't give credibility to something that's important to us. Have you explained it to him like YSM mentioned? I haven't mentioned anything about the subject in quite a while. He seems to think I'm starting an argument over it when I've brought it up in the past. I would really like him to bring it up. It's not on his Mind. Ever.
Ripples Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 Well, maybe he feels a little defensive because, maybe, you've got a little angry or upset when you've spoken about it before. That's perfectly normal, we've all been there, but it's probably not the easiest way to get him to change. I doubt he'll raise it himself, he's happy with the status quo, so it's up to you if you want this issue addressed, but you'd have to maintain an iron control over your emotions while you speak about it, getting upset is just going to turn him off, completely. Maybe being ultra sweet, caring and understanding of his position when you bring the subject up could be a starting point.
yousaveme Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 I think you need to tell him that you feel the relationship is being held in the past by this lingering over your and his head. That for a healthy fresh start to the future. All ties to the past need to be broken. That as long as his legally is tied to her as her husband. You dont have a healthy outlook at the future. Just plain and simple ask him to do this for you , for the relationship he chose to be in with YOU. I haven't mentioned anything about the subject in quite a while. He seems to think I'm starting an argument over it when I've brought it up in the past. I would really like him to bring it up. It's not on his Mind. Ever.
Author TogetherForever Posted May 29, 2007 Author Posted May 29, 2007 I think you need to tell him that you feel the relationship is being held in the past by this lingering over your and his head. That for a healthy fresh start to the future. All ties to the past need to be broken. That as long as his legally is tied to her as her husband. You dont have a healthy outlook at the future. Just plain and simple ask him to do this for you , for the relationship he chose to be in with YOU. I found a valentine's card from 2006 in my jewelry box. Inside he wrote, "When all is said & done, I'm asking you to marry me". (When all is said & done meant when he gets divorced) I kept that card in there for the past year. I came across it yesterday, read it & put it back. When I get home today, I'll show it to him & bring it up that way. To be continued......
Author TogetherForever Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 Fast forward>>>>we were married 5/24/12 1
LilGirlandOW Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Congrats!!! I'm jealous & hope all is well @->---
Author TogetherForever Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 Please don't be jelly! If it's meant to be.... 1
Owl Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Awesome!!! Glad that things worked out for the both of you!!! FWIW, I think you already had a lot in place to help this happen. He wasn't divorced...but they'd been living apart and seperated for years as I read this thread. Sounds like your relationship with him was 'out in the open'...it was just prevented from being a marriage by the fact that he'd not divorced her yet, and so wasn't free to legally marry. But no hidden affair, no back and forth, no drama from a d-day, or several. They just had to get out of their ennui and get the divorce done so they both could move on. Again, congratulations! 1
Author TogetherForever Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 Thank you Owl!!!!!!! Great to see you!!!!!!!!
Radu Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 How did you convince him ? Also, the theory on the previous page is correct. Men can be selfish and only fix things if they see them as broken for themselves.
waytogo Posted August 15, 2013 Posted August 15, 2013 Forever, huh? Then you need to get him to do some things: - get a medical power of attorney so that you are the one who can make decisions for him if he winds up incapacitated in the hospital - get a power of attorney so that you are the one who has control of his bank accounts and assets in the event he winds up incapacitated in the hospital and someone (you) needs to pay bills - get him to designate you as his benificiary for any 401(k) or retirement plans, as well as any life insurance his job provides or that he has purchased Otherwise, his wife is the default for all of that, leaving you outside and with no power to do anything. And then pray, pray, pray that she doesn't run up any huge credit card bills or other debts that she cannot pay, because the creditors can legally go after her husband to pay them. I see things worked out here and congrats to OPoster! Just felt I should let others know as far as this well meaning post. Whom ever life insurance is designated to will be the rightful beneficiary no matter what circumstances. As far as 401K, that is going to the spouse no matter the circumstances. If no spouse, the designated party. If there is a spouse, no matter how long separated, automatic. Back to our regularly scheduled program 1
Author TogetherForever Posted August 16, 2013 Author Posted August 16, 2013 I didn't have to convince him Radu.
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