yousaveme Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 So the W makes out. He just slides by and You are left with unresolved issues. That will harm the relationship.
yousaveme Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 I think they are both lazy about the issue. Get it done already He left her. Why is it so hard to believe that $$ could be the issue here?
serial muse Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 I don't believe either one is holding a torch for the other. I do believe that $$ is the issue here. That's the only issue here as to why neither one has filed yet. sorry, i just don't understand this. how can they not have "a pot to piss in" but have all these extra assets? at the very least, it's clear a divorce is not a high priority for them. because given all these assets that they have - none of which are necessities - they could work out how to finance it if they wanted to. someone is stalling, i don't know who. 1
happygirl70 Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 He left her. Why is it so hard to believe that $$ could be the issue here? It just does NOT make logical sense. These people have a house, a shore house, and a boat? Any one of these things could be sold or gotten a loan against in order to pay for a divorce. It just seems silly to me. 1
Author TogetherForever Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 So the W makes out. He just slides by and You are left with unresolved issues. That will harm the relationship. It's a well known fact the the wife does make out in these situations. The only major issue I have is that of the divorce. For the fact that (as I mentioned before) is if he gets sick & is in the hosp. I could be prevented from going. That would harm our relationship. Permanantly. Her having the money, house etc... doesn't concern me.
Author TogetherForever Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 sorry, i just don't understand this. how can they not have "a pot to piss in" but have all these extra assets? at the very least, it's clear a divorce is not a high priority for them. because given all these assets that they have - none of which are necessities - they could work out how to finance it if they wanted to. someone is stalling, i don't know who. They've had these assets forever. Well, almost forever. I don't expect them to get rid of them to cover a divorce. He only has the payment on his boat & truck. (minus the boat payment as soon as she give him the check to pay it off) She has the house, shore home, her car etc...
Author TogetherForever Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 How does one finance a divorce anyway? I was under the impression that you hire an attorney & pay for his services.
norajane Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 How does one finance a divorce anyway? I was under the impression that you hire an attorney & pay for his services. If he'd saved $50 per month for 5 years, he'd have $3500 (plus interest) to pay for the divorce. If she'd done the same, she's also have $3500. Or, you take out a mortgage or second mortgage on the shore house...and use that money to pay the lawyer's fees. Or you take out a home equity loan. Or you work out a payment plan over time with the attorney...$100/month for a year is $1200. They aren't even trying to fund this divorce. 1
Author TogetherForever Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 If he'd saved $50 per month for 5 years, he'd have $3500 (plus interest) to pay for the divorce. If she'd done the same, she's also have $3500. Or, you take out a mortgage or second mortgage on the shore house...and use that money to pay the lawyer's fees. Or you take out a home equity loan. Or you work out a payment plan over time with the attorney...$100/month for a year is $1200. They aren't even trying to fund this divorce. I don't think either of them care too much about it. I don't think they even think about it. Whe he receives the check to pay off his boat, I'll suggest using some of that check to pay for the divorce.
Author TogetherForever Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 Here's another thought. She has the one big monthly bill to pay. She really doesn't benefit all too much from not being divorced. She pays the bills on her own & has been for the past 5 or so years. That's why she needed to get the consolidation loan.
hardcase Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 A friend suggested that I post my situation on this forum. I have been with my s/o since August of 2000. January was 5 years we've been living together. He is not yet divorced & his wife has been seeing someone now for 3 years. I thought maybe you would ask me questions rather than posting the whole 7 years of my relationship. I don't know why I chose to come here. Maybe it's the couple of issues still bugging me about him still being so-called married. Well...I usually don't have too many kind words to say to OM/OW..but thats if they are knowingly continuing a R with a MM/MW and that MM/MW is cheating on their spouse. But in your case, his wife is already messing around and the M looks like it is going to be dissolved anyway. I wouldn't feel too bad about the fact that he is still married. His marriage is dead...his wife is screwing around. I mean, if you wanted to be all moral about it, the both of you could just abstain until he gets divorced...but its not like you are with a MM that is cheating on his unsuspecting wife and he has no plans to leave her I wouldn't worry at all about it.
Cliche Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 sorry, i just don't understand this. how can they not have "a pot to piss in" but have all these extra assets? Very heavy debt. BTDT.
Author TogetherForever Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 Very heavy debt. BTDT. Exactly Cliche, Thank You!!
Cliche Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 You're welcome, TF. When I got divorced, we owned two boats, two cars, two homes, lots of recreational vehicles, and instead of splitting assets when it was final, we had to fight over who paid which portions of the debt, and we got to keep NOTHING. Not saying that's a reason not get a divorce...I'm much better off out of my relationship even without "stuff,"...but I totally understand the consideration there.
Author TogetherForever Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 You're welcome, TF. When I got divorced, we owned two boats, two cars, two homes, lots of recreational vehicles, and instead of splitting assets when it was final, we had to fight over who paid which portions of the debt, and we got to keep NOTHING. Not saying that's a reason not get a divorce...I'm much better off out of my relationship even without "stuff,"...but I totally understand the consideration there. And ya know what, she has the house, house at the shore & a big old bill to pay every month. My s/o had no problem signing over the property to her. He wanted to be done with it. So it seems to me that he made out better. And so what that there's no divorce yet. We've been together for a long time now & plan on forever together.
yousaveme Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Then together forever is all that matters. Dont sweat the rest. I'm sure god forbid something happens you will be by his side. And ya know what, she has the house, house at the shore & a big old bill to pay every month. My s/o had no problem signing over the property to her. He wanted to be done with it. So it seems to me that he made out better. And so what that there's no divorce yet. We've been together for a long time now & plan on forever together.
norajane Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 And ya know what, she has the house, house at the shore & a big old bill to pay every month. My s/o had no problem signing over the property to her. He wanted to be done with it. So it seems to me that he made out better. And so what that there's no divorce yet. We've been together for a long time now & plan on forever together. Forever, huh? Then you need to get him to do some things: - get a medical power of attorney so that you are the one who can make decisions for him if he winds up incapacitated in the hospital - get a power of attorney so that you are the one who has control of his bank accounts and assets in the event he winds up incapacitated in the hospital and someone (you) needs to pay bills - get him to designate you as his benificiary for any 401(k) or retirement plans, as well as any life insurance his job provides or that he has purchased Otherwise, his wife is the default for all of that, leaving you outside and with no power to do anything. And then pray, pray, pray that she doesn't run up any huge credit card bills or other debts that she cannot pay, because the creditors can legally go after her husband to pay them. 1
Author TogetherForever Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 Again, I'm not worried about the money situation. I've done it on my own for plenty of years. If he ran into a jam, I'd be fine.
Cliche Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 And then pray, pray, pray that she doesn't run up any huge credit card bills or other debts that she cannot pay, because the creditors can legally go after her husband to pay them. Not necessarily if they are in a state where there is legal separation and he is legally separated (can't remember if that was addressed in this thread). I will say, 5 years seems like a long time to be separated and not divorced. TF, I believe he's with you for the long haul, but I think I'd demand that his butt move forward with divorce plans at this point. Seriously.
Author TogetherForever Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 And who's to say she'd be notified if he fell ill anyway. I'm his emergency contact. I don't HAVE to notify her of an emergency.
yousaveme Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Are you looking at the divorce in terms of a formal end of the past relationship and an acknowledgement of your future.
Author TogetherForever Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 Not necessarily if they are in a state where there is legal separation and he is legally separated (can't remember if that was addressed in this thread). I will say, 5 years seems like a long time to be separated and not divorced. TF, I believe he's with you for the long haul, but I think I'd demand that his butt move forward with divorce plans at this point. Seriously. Ok, but what would change if they did get the divorce? I've asked myself that question & don't seem to come up with an answer. Wow, your divorce is final. Thanks. Is it really a big deal?
Author TogetherForever Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 Are you looking at the divorce in terms of a formal end of the past relationship and an acknowledgement of your future. YES, but he needs to want that also.
Author TogetherForever Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 Are you looking at the divorce in terms of a formal end of the past relationship and an acknowledgement of your future. Yousaveme, I really need to thank you. I have never been able to answer someone when they'd ask me 'Why is it so important to you that he get divorced?". All I'd say is "I want people to know that we are serious & that this is not just a fling." Now that you've put it into words, I realize that what you stated is exactly what I feel. So Thank You. "A formal end to a past relationship & an acknowledgement of our future"
norajane Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 And who's to say she'd be notified if he fell ill anyway. I'm his emergency contact. I don't HAVE to notify her of an emergency. And the hospital won't let you in to see him since you are not a relative or spouse. Nor can you make any medical decisions for him if he is unable to do so. - get a medical power of attorney so that you are the one who can make decisions for him if he winds up incapacitated in the hospital - get a power of attorney so that you are the one who has control of his bank accounts and assets in the event he winds up incapacitated in the hospital and someone (you) needs to pay bills These are in yours and his best interests so you have access to him in the hospital, and so you have access to his accounts so you can pay his hospital bills while he's incapacitated. A stroke or something could leave him paralyzed or unable to make decisions. 1
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