Not sure where to post this... Boyfriend is not over the ex.

[kittun]

Hi, new here!

This is hard for me.. I no longer have that outlet that I can talk to, so I have to find other ways. Hopefully you kind people can help me out.

 

So here's the deal.

I've been with my boyfriend now for 6 years. A year before he got with me, a girl he really liked broke up with him. They were going out for 3 months. I know he was deeply hurt by her breaking up with him. I was one of those situations where you find out the girl only went out with you to be nice and because she didn't want to say know.

 

When I first got with him, yea we had problems and fought constantly.. but the way our whole relationship happened, it was ... not normal for either of us. We weren't friends first, and it became very physical very fast.

 

ANYWAYS, so, I knew he still had things from her. And it really bothered me A LOT. I told him, maybe you aren't ready to be in a relationship with someone else, maybe we shouldn't do this. Blah blah blah. What bothered me the most was that he had a doll of her's and he kept it on his dresser. After 3 years of being with me, he finally put it away... and I thought, "He's making progress."

 

2 years ago, he still wasn't over her. He had his letters that she wrote him... and he would read them. I'm deeply hurt by this. I feel like "I'm" the other woman who can never truly hold his heart, when I've given up so much for him and just... put up with lots. So I told him, maybe you should talk to her. Give her her things back.. get some closure on the whole thing. I told him, he had to want to move on fully, and I would support him and help him with it.

 

He tried to get in contact with her.. she wanted nothing to do with him. He asked to meet up, and she kept brushing it off. So needless to say, this whole confrontation didn't happen. I kind of just dropped the subject.. because I thought her behavior would put him off more.

 

That was 2 years ago.

 

Of course though, when he heard a rumor that she may have gotten married, a year later, he had gotten all uppity and started asking people if it was true. His friend told him, I have no idea.. I don't even talk to her anymore.

 

This past December, my best friend passed away (this is why I no longer have my outlet) and 2 weeks later, his friend passed away. Needless to say, we are both emotional messes. When we went to his funeral, his ex was there. He was bothered by this. Even more bothered when she didn't say hi to him. I was bothered because she was giving me the nastiest looks the whole time. But I told him, "You know, sometimes you may have to make the first move. You could have said hi to her." And he replied, "I don't want to."

 

Well, just recently.. when talking to my roommate about him not being over her... She had told me that he divulged that when he is alone, he will pull out his old letters from her and still read them. That he puts himself threw this, and there is a part of him that still wants to live those days with her.

 

My roommate told him, "You know this isn't fair to Rachel (me), right? Ayzza (the ex) hurt you and she doesn't deserve you caring for her. Rachel has been with you through so much. You need to be 100% with her if you really care for her."

 

I can't deal with this anymore. It hurts me too much. I love him.. I believe he loves me, but there is this part of him that still is in love with someone else.

 

Why can't he just let go? It's been 7 years since she broke up with him. I feel it'd be better if he just purged all the things she gave him. And I would totally go do it.. I want to burn everything. But I want him to do it. I don't think he wants to let go....

 

And I really don't know where to go from here. I've told him, "Our relationship will never go any farther. We will never get married because I know you aren't over her."

 

Sorry it's so long and whiny, but any help/insight would be great. Thanks a lot for reading.

[amaysngrace]

I feel very bad for what you're going through. It has to be hard to be compared to someone else like that, even if he isn't doing it you still may feel like he is.

 

I think the best thing to do is take a break from him. Tell him why you won't be with him anymore and don't talk to him until he sorts his head out.

 

Hopefully he will see what he's losing in you. And it will help him to get his head out of his ass. But if he doesn't see it like that, if he doesn't appreciate you for all you are instead of allowing his feelings to come between you guys, then honestly you would probably be better off without him.

 

Nobody should live with a black cloud hanging over their head. It'll be there until he decides to let it go. It's really not about you. But it will be about you unless you decide to do something about it. And removing yourself from him is about all you can do.

 

He'll figure it out. He just needs time. So give him all the time he needs.

[Sobri821]

OKay... He does not need time... what he need is a kick on the behind and a good mallot to the head. IDIOT!

 

You say that you guys have been together six years? Was this off and on or continuous? During that time did her ever go back with her?

 

He dated her for only 3 months? I know love is strong and maybe they were friends before that, but 3 months is not enough to warrent meeting a far removed relative and should be able to revover from a break up a bit more smoothly than if it were 6 months.

 

What comes to my mind is WHAT THE HELL? His tendencies are like on who is a bit obssessed. Have you ever spoken to her about their brief relationship and found out anything other than his side? He seem to not be quite right in the head if he has been dating someone for six YEARS and is still pining for and EX that he dated of only 3 months.

 

My advice take some time off and let him fully get over her. Honestly, if you love him 100% he should love you the same and even more. Don't take his bull****. Leaving him for a while may be the best thing ever. He will wake up and realize he's lost you or may show his true colors and become obssed with you. I hope the later does not happed, because if he can't get over 3 months, imagine what six years will do to him...

[LoveLace]

That is definitely obsessive for something that only lasted 3 months, so long ago. It makes me wonder if something happened in that relationship that is a secret, something that's hard to forget...was she his first sexual experience or anything like that? Even then though, yea he's way too attached still. Tell him you two need space for a while, or at least you do, because it isn't fair to you....by thinking of her as much as he does, it has to be bad for his ability to truly dedicate himself to you and to the relationship, and to give you what you deserve.

 

Remind him again how you've stuck by him all these years despite of all this, you've even tried to help him get over it, and as much as you've loved him and have done for him, you only deserve it equally in return. By obsessing over this girl, he can't possibly reciprocate to you equally, only less.

 

I almost wonder if he needs therapy, or counseling, seriously, it's almost scary this problem of his. It's just so extreme to take every chance of being alone and reminise about her. It sounds like something a stalker would do.

[kepners]

wow, i thought i was bad pining over an ex who dont want you, but jesus! i totally understand someone being your first etc and remembering her, but... this is boarding on mentalist behaviour!

 

so there has been some good advise given already, and you know your partner isnt right, so you have to decide where you go. Your head will be right!

[Sobri821]

It is very abnormal, everyone has been in bad relationships and been hurt before. I am almost afraid for this girl. I know you love him, but clearly he is obssessed and a bit stalkeresq, for my liking. I think you should for your own safety slowly end it while he is busy obsessing over her. He is not healthy, and six years, that future potential. Do you really want to mary some obssessive stalker?

[Guest]

I agree with Lovelace. Still pining over a 3 month relationship that happened 6 yrs ago??? That sounds obsessive to me. Not love.

 

Another thing to consider is by hanging onto the past he has a great excuse for not moving your relationship forward.