stace79 Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 I probably already know the answer to this, but I just need to vent... The ex and I "officially" broke up some time in March '07. We've still talked, gone through periods of NC, etc. Usually when I initiate NC, he breaks it some how. He's trying to "figure out" what's supposed to be between he and his ex-girlfriend (who happens to be a conniving b!tch:cool: ). Anyway, I have made it known at several points that I wanted him to change his decision. I know I am in love with the guy. I also know that begging and having tantrums won't solve anything, so I've just backed off. I've tried to be as lowkey as possible, not calling him or IMing much. Just trying to accept that he and I won't be together, and maybe it's better that way. So he's been calling ME a lot this week. I wanted NC for awhile last week, which he didn't take well. He broke NC to send me an IM Sunday morning, telling me how hard this break has been for him. I said he should start calling/IMing/texting his ex instead of me....after all, if he wants to work things out with her, he should be relying on her, right? He again reiterated that he has to see once and for all if she could work out with him, and he has a "specific timetable" in place, and he won't be waiting around for six months for her to commit, blah blah. Anyway, I decided to start dating again, if nothing else to meet new people and get out of the apartment. I had a date last night, and of course, my ex calls this morning asking how my night was. So I didn't ever say I had a date, I just avoided the question as best I could. He continued to press, and pretty much just guessed what was up. He got all hurt and said he had to go. Anyway, my issue is....if he's so certain he wants to work things out with his ex, WHY in the hell does he care if I go on a date? He TOLD me to move on, that I shouldn't wait for him. I guess the answer is he is just an egotistical arse hole who wants two girls chasing after him. My thought is that I guess I just leave him alone now. If he wants to be a baby about this, then so be it. He claimed over and over that he wants us to be friends, that I'm his best friend here where we live...so why doesn't he act like it? He insisted over and over that we could stay friends, blah blah.... God, I'm just so irritated! Thanks for reading...
KaneNAbel Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 Hi, I know that you and I exchanged a few comments from my posts. So here is the email on of my best friends sent to me the day after the break in my situation. The advice is great and I have followed it since. Hope it helps: "[FONT=Courier New]i'm so proud of you! despite the minor slip-ups you did everything you intended to-- you vented and had some closure. now starts the healing process. so stay strong and refrain from contacting her. if she truly loves and respects you, she'll allow you to move and by not contacting you. if you she does, it's her attempts to reel you back into her love web. do not take the bait!!! by not returning the l-favor (the moment I asked her to tell me that she can't ever love me but instead, she said "I can't say that, but I can't lover you right now"), she made a final attempt to keep the emotional door open, but be sure that this door to your heart has completely shut, so you can move forward. you're more than welcome, although i did little besides listening and sharing my thoughts; ultimately, it was your strength that enabled this and you should be very proud of yourself. "[/FONT]
Teddy and Jane Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 So you are in love with a guy who is in love with his ex, and you are the backup in case things don't work out with the ex. You want a guy who is absolutely crazy about YOU, not crazy about his ex first, then you second. He is being a jerk. Don't announce NC, cut him out of your life for good. Don't even respond to his emails or IMs, nothing. Guys who are into you don't treat you like this guy has. He's not into you.
2ndIINone Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 God, I'm just so irritated! Stace! With all do respect.... YOU are the only one to blame for being irritated. NC is NC..... completely. No such thing as LC in your situation. You CAN NOT, nor will ever be his friend... get that outta your head. Stop answering his texts. Stop answering his calls... His emails... He wants you on a string where he knows he already has you. He doesn't want you and doesn't want anyone else to have you. When you answer his contact... it's nothing more then a major ego boost to him. When you go NC, it bruises his ego and he KNOWS how to work you in order to get you to break it. Sweetheart.... months later... you ARE STILL second best to his ex. You deserve more then that. And guess what? Even if he did end things with her..... it WOULD NOT WORK. Guaranteed. He's burned his bridges and disrespected you way to much already. Besides.... his ex would always be in the back of your mind.... and his.
Teddy and Jane Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 Stace! With all do respect.... YOU are the only one to blame for being irritated. NC is NC..... completely. No such thing as LC in your situation. You CAN NOT, nor will ever be his friend... get that outta your head. Stop answering his texts. Stop answering his calls... His emails... He wants you on a string where he knows he already has you. He doesn't want you and doesn't want anyone else to have you. When you answer his contact... it's nothing more then a major ego boost to him. When you go NC, it bruises his ego and he KNOWS how to work you in order to get you to break it. Sweetheart.... months later... you ARE STILL second best to his ex. You deserve more then that. And guess what? Even if he did end things with her..... it WOULD NOT WORK. Guaranteed. He's burned his bridges and disrespected you way to much already. Besides.... his ex would always be in the back of your mind.... and his. Well said!
Author stace79 Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 Well, thank you guys for all the tough love. I am pretty much sitting here in shock tonight... My ex wanted to see me Thursday night, so I relented because I'm a wuss and I really do feel badly for him. We hung out Thursday night, completely platonic. It was actually fun, and it didn't bother me much. I knew my feelings for him were still there, but it wasn't as painful as in the past. I guess maybe because I'd had a date the night before that went really well. Anyway, I talked to my ex again last night for awhile, and it was pleasant. We talked about hanging out today because his roomie's dog brought fleas into their apartment and they have to have it treated. We talked this morning in IM, and he starts asking me "if we were together, would I seriously consider living together in September" (when his lease is up). I told him there was no sense discussing anything of the sort since we weren't reconciling. He asked me to come over and talk to him in person. I guess I'm a sucker, 'cause I went. He wanted to know how I felt about cohabitation, and I told him I wasn't interested in living with someone who didn't put me first. He got really frustrated, and finally came over to sit next to me on the couch. He told me "I love you" and kissed me. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do. And before I could say anything he started pouring his heart out saying he was so sorry, he loves me, he has known for about a month that he wants to be with me, and he begged me for another chance. He said he's known for about a month that his ex wasn't meant to be with him and telling me all the reasons why he knows this. When he was done, I told him I had to leave for awhile because I was so disturbed by his revelations. Anyway I came back later and he again told me he knew it was a shock to me, but that he's been giving this serious thought for a month. He said he's been seeing a counselor and discussed it with her, also. He said this is why he was so upset when he found out about my date, because he was finally realizing what he needed to do, and then he was afraid he'd lost me. I dunno, I'm certainly not excusing his actions over the past six months. He certainly put me through the wringer. But he's told me he is going to talk to his ex this week over the phone, not in person, and he is going to tell her that he knows it just isn't right between them. He also told me whatever I needed to make me feel secure and comfortable, he would do, even if that meant that he didn't have any communication with her at all. He even at one point told me he put off buying a new TV for his place because he was thinking of buying me a ring. (He's been telling me for like three weeks how he wants a wide screen HDTV for his place.) I'm in so much shock, it's hard to comprehend right now. I told him whatever happens that I need to take things very slowly and I need to see him make efforts to show me what he's saying is true. I just cannot believe it.
Author stace79 Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 his ex doesn't want him... That's what I said, too, but that's not the case. That was my first instinct...I said "She won't get back together or commit to you will she?" And he said no....they've been talking lately, he even called to tell me she IMed him tonight, and that he plans to call her tomorrow to tell her it's over. I told him I wouldn't do anything until he talked to her. I'm still thinking this is a "too good to be true" kind of thing...if he wants me back that badly, he can attempt to earn a second shot....
Guest Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 There's a reason why he's the ex. Why do you keep engaging him?
upsetnhurt Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Stace79, I just don't get it still. If he has known this for a month, wouldnt he have taken the steps necessary to completley eliminate the ex by now. Why does he still feel the need to contact her to tell her that it is over. What it tells me is that he has not made anytime for himself to really consider what is best for him. The ex has been in his life up to this point and will forever be part of his life. He is playing you and then some. What does love mean to him? What does love mean to you? Let him spend 6 months on his own prior to him determining that you are the one.........then maybe you can put some belief that he knows what he wants. Unfortunately in 6 months you will be at a point where you won't know him as a person anymore and probably won't want him. But that's natural I guess.
Author stace79 Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 Whats his relationship with his mother like? He's really close with both his mom and his dad. They live about an hour or two from us. He visits for holidays and special occasions like birthdays. He is somewhat of a mama's boy, which I've teased him about in the past. But it's definitely not as bad as some guys I've seen...she doesn't weigh in on every decision and she doesn't have to talk to him every day or anything. I know he does like to take advantage of her hospitality when he visits home though (she cooks for him while he's there, sometimes will do his laundry). She is a very sweet woman, and has actually been quite a good friend to me in some stuff I've been through lately. We spoke on the phone at length and she seems to have a wonderful heart. Not sure if that helps you form any opinion...
Author stace79 Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 Stace79, I just don't get it still. If he has known this for a month, wouldnt he have taken the steps necessary to completley eliminate the ex by now. Why does he still feel the need to contact her to tell her that it is over. What it tells me is that he has not made anytime for himself to really consider what is best for him. The ex has been in his life up to this point and will forever be part of his life. He is playing you and then some. What does love mean to him? What does love mean to you? Let him spend 6 months on his own prior to him determining that you are the one.........then maybe you can put some belief that he knows what he wants. Unfortunately in 6 months you will be at a point where you won't know him as a person anymore and probably won't want him. But that's natural I guess. I asked him why he didn't tell me this sooner. He had many opportunities. He said he has been afraid to tell me because he feels like I may be "the one" and that we won't ever split up after this. He said while he wants a serious committed relationship with me, and he's even interested in moving in together some time in the fall, it still scares him a little to think this might be it. He was telling me on the phone last night that he believes he would be happy never dating anyone else or never being physical with any other woman for the rest of his life, which is something he's never felt before, not even with the ex. I can understand his fear of that because I was actually telling my counselor something similar last week....I want a relationship, but yes, it scares the hell out of me to think about that level of intimacy with someone. I think he definitely owes it to his ex to tell her he feels they aren't meant to be. There's a lot to this story, but to keep it short(er), he had told me he needed to resolve things with her once and for all before he could move on with anyone, including me. Since they've been talking more, and he saw her once (she lives two hours from here), he says he's concluded what he thought was true: she is not the right person for him. He said she doesn't treat him like I do, she is far younger than him and immature, she is sarcastic which at times rubs him the wrong way, she doesn't like his mom much. He really went out of his way telling me all these things yesterday that, in my opinion, if this was just a game, he would not have thought of and he wouldn't have taken the time to tell me. But I would want him to tell me something if I were her, so I can't hold that against him. I told him I had wished he had told her already before telling me, but yesterday's conversations were unplanned. Also, before when we were together, I always pushed him for titles (gf/bf). He always said how titles make him uneasy, couldn't we just see how things go for awhile, yada yada. Well, yesterday he asked me (just like in HS haha) if I would be his girlfriend. That really spoke a lot to me that he was serious. I don't really think he ever even called his ex his girlfriend, and they were together off and on over five years. I guess the thing that is also telling is that he isn't telling me he wants me over her. He's telling me first that she isn't right for him.
upsetnhurt Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Stace, I do not know how bad you were hurt, yet something tells me that you seem to have all the answers now. You will justify any of his actions at this point in order to justify yourself giving him a second chance. He has had not time on his own to reflect upon his life and what he has to offer someone. If that is something you can live with, then best of luck in making this work. You know how much you got hurt the first time and let me say that the second time is even rougher. Be smart before you jump into anything, cause the red flags are all around for anyone to see. I think you should be there when he chooses to tell his ex that it is over. He should be proud to say those things in front of you. You will find an excuse to tell me as to why that is not a good idea yet I assure you that what he tells her will not be the same as he tells you unless you are there.
InvisibleTouch Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Well, there are committment issues, that much we know. Why this might be (the real reason) we can only speculate. He certainly needs to grow up. It is pathetic that he thinks he can treat you and his ex in this way. More importantly however, you must up the value you put on your own head. Actually you sound well balanced but the longer you tolerate his bizzare attitude the thicker the fog will get. Walk away, get some space and clarity, even date other guys and tell him that if he ever decides that he wants a relationship with you again then you will decide based on your circumstances at that time. I think you'll find that if you adopt this stance he will realise your value quicker than any other way.
Teddy and Jane Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 You said you talked to him last night, did you call him or did he call you?Why did he want you to come over and see him last night? Why isn't he making the effort to go over and knock on YOUR door and beg you back and tell you his declarations of love? That seems odd to me and seems that he's not truly willing to make an effort. You should have told him you couldn't come over. Why should you cater to him? Maybe he doesn't have a car, blah, blah, blah....if he really desperately wanted to beg you back and declare his love, he would have found a way over to your place. Also you make a good point of saying that he never said he still doesn't want the ex, he just knows she's not the one for him. I agree with Invisible...give him six months and see if he still wants you. During that time, have no contact with him at all. If it's real, he will go after you full-force without any "issues."
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