Crimson107 Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 I like this forum cause people are real honest. I somehow feel different from most posters because they have been betrayed. I am the cheater/sinner and I don't mind any bashings I get. The ones from my wife are the only ones that I need to hear. So it has been over six months after I confessed and turned from my infidelity. I am trying to get close to the level I once was. Sadly, I will never get that back. She still holds the pain close and been pretty angry about it lately. I think the worst part about trying to work thigns out after the affair is how it amplifies everything other problem you had in a your marriage. My Parents for examples- she always thinks the have more influence over me than her. Personally, I have never known how to settle that difference. We need counselling but haven't gotten any worth a damn. I was doing some personal but the lady wasn't that good. My wife got to meet her over my son's issues and she came off as a bad therapist. I agreed with my wife. Unfortunately, W isn't interested in counselling. I would do it but I can see her point. With 4 kids, jobs, cubscouts, girlscouts, It is just hard to work it in the schedule. Also we have been before and it was alwasy reluctant with her. So it is hard to talk with her sometime. How do I still say Im sorry with out being a broken record? She doesn't say sorry very much and she gets tired of hearing it. How do I say I love you and will be committed forever. . . . this time I swear. I have fought the urge to contact the OW. It was physical and I never intended for more. Things were a bit ugly and I just wondering if she is doing OK since I was mean to everyone. My kids, my wife and this other person. I know contacting her opens the can of worms again. Having any concern for her betrays the trust I am trying to rebuild. The OW knew what she was getting into and will have to deal with things on her own. I feel bad still daily. I was stupid. So to the betrayed on this forum. I am sorry for your pain. To the ones compliplating it- DON'T DO IT. Love you spouse and you family. Second chances are still hard. I still don't know if she will change her mind and ask me to leave someday. I pray and hope not.
whichwayisup Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 Whatever you do, don't contact the OW. You may feel bad by the way you treated her, but she is a grown woman, knew you were married so if one puts themselves IN that type of situation, they have to expect the fallout and suffer the consquences. Don't give up on your wife. Instead of telling her how sorry you are, show her in actions! Bring home flowers, plan a date night, re-connect and just spend time together, as a family and alone. Do some searching on finding another therapist. Going alone may open her eyes and she'll head back to MC with you. SIDENOTE - Go read ALL of Thumbingmyway's threads. He didn't give up and his efforts are quite inspirational.
mjayc Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 Not to the extent of getting caught...thus far. But the whole reason on my part generally rests on the whole idea that m y H does not pay any attn to me. NONE. His hobbies and work come #1, hobbies first and foremost. His hobbies keep him away from us season after season. Yes he sleeps and showers here, at home, but quickly. Sex is second to last on his list besides me...being LAST. One year...our 1st yr of marriage...only 10 times...all of which I practically forced him into. On to the 3rd year is when I had my 1st affair. It lasted a short time. The guilt and anguish of the sin penetrated my whole being. Since then I have nnot been able to forgive myself much less him for pushing me to that point. Yes I talked and tried to communicate our problems, but I was dilusionary as far as he was concerned. Not only that, he was also very controlling, wanting me to do nothing, go no where. If he was not in the woods, or on the water doing what he loves most, I might think he was cheating on me! So, I tried to give it another go, and ignored the probs we had. Another 2 years went by and another opportunity came where I had 2 seperate 1-nighters with 2 old guy friends. (2 seperate times---but only months apart) The guilt drove me back into a depression to the point where I cannot even discribe. But back again to the same old stuff, only this time, I did not allow myself to be put back into situations that would get me into trouble. I have tried to surround myself ONLY around other married girlfriends. Things are no different bt the H and I. Once, I attempted to leave my H, but had no where to go. I don't have a job, no family, and I am still in college. And I am not wanting to lose our baby. So here I am. Now, I have found myself in my 4th affair. This time in an even worse situation. It is his bestfriend. His wife is mine. He and I have a past history from highschool. And I guess those emotions escalated his curiosity to be with me. Every opportunity for the last 2 years, he has made comments on my looks, my whole personality, and he empathises with my dilemma of my marriage, tho I never have discussed it with him...he knew NOTHING of my problems. Until recently, at a low point --- he started kissing on me and telling me it should have been US....da da da da... I stopped him and told him to never do that again, I will pretend it never happened. But after another mo of no sex, or affection from my H, I turned to th OM, and we have done the deed. Of course now, he wants to stay away from me bc he's feeling the guilt. This time Im not....well, not like b4. i feel like I am an aweful friend... I know I am not to be w/ this guy---don't want him other than for the feelings of some affection again--- and it is a horrible sin, but my M is over. Once I finish school, I am out. He knows it (H), and I know it.
justice Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 It sounds as though you are really serious on trying to rebuild your marriage and make it strong and I wish you all the luck in the world with that. If my husband had of really wanted our marriage to work after he had his affair, he would have talked to me openly and honestly and answered the many questions I had with truth instead of lies and half truths. As it stands, he didn't and I couldn't forgive him because I knew in my heart he wasn't being open and honest with me, I wanted the truth from him no matter how much it hurt, I needed that to heal. I applaud your efforts and I hope it all works out for you.
JayLK Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 You don't have time for counseling? I mean no offense when I say this, but you found time to have an affair, so there is no reason why you can't find time to fix your marriage.
Reckless Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 The problem as an earlier poster illustrated, is that if you do nothing, if neither of you actually DEAL with the issues that gave rise to the affair in the first place then all those original problems will resurge and cause more damage later on. It really amazes me how many couples are willing to simply ignore problems in the hope that they will disapear. If I were you I would first educate myself about marriage and infidelity. Read here at the Shack, get onto some other sites, buy books and start reconstructing from your side. Find a good councellor (they are out there) and go alone until hopefully you wife joins you because you know what, she is whether she wants to talk about it or not 'full of resentment' for what you've done and you will both have to change the way you interact in order to get over it and build something new. Or you could go on as you are, with the foundation of your marriage shakey under your feet, her anger/resentment/hurt/indifference/ fill in the blanks .. happening on 'her' side of the marriage and you, wondering where you are on the other. Take the kids to scouts, do the shopping, don't deal and watch it all blow itself to smitherines later.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 ....I think the worst part about trying to work thigns out after the affair is how it amplifies everything other problem you had in a your marriage.... But now, here you are trying to work on these pre-affair problems from a position of weakness. You aren't equal in the negotiations. YOU feel bad about what you did and SHE feels bad about what you did. You're negotiating from the doghouse, and it doesn't matter if she's the one who put you there or if you're there of your own accord because you feel guilty. THAT's what counseling can do for you. It can keep the negotiations on track so that both parties are equally represented. Find a new and better therapist. And find the time to go. Your wife may not want to face it, but your marriage is STILL at risk until all these previous problems are sorted out.
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