JayLK Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 Hello, I'm feeling a bit down today... For days I have been trying to fight off feelings that something has been going on with my wife. To give a little back story: Back when we first became an item, I discovered that she was seeing someone behind my back. I suspect it was going on for at least 3-6 months until that faithful day happened. I left her.... I was so sick inside, so violated -- she never once told me, and when we were together she would tell me that I was the only one for her. Of course, these were lies.... I should have seen the signs back then but I didn't. We were engaged, but not living together at the time. She worked two jobs, and when I would call her apartment on the days she was suppose to be home, no one would answer. She would return my calls (most times) after 3am in the morning with stories of shopping at Wal-mart because she needed things to buy. I was stupid; I took her word at face value, and I didn't think anything of it .... until I found out differently later. When it hit the fan, I walked out and she chased after me... I plainly told her that she could stay with the OM, because I felt she had tainted what I thought was the start of a beautiful future together. She wanted to work things out, and after some stubbornness on my part, I decided to give it a go. However, things were absolutely terrible between us. Sex was non-existent, she was constantly mean to me, and if I didn't initiate sex, I was lucky if it ever happened. We had multiple fights because she would mope around the apartment in a daze, and she was emotionally most of the time. When the truth finally came out (when she finally opened up), she said nothing sexual happened, but come on -- she was staying out that late and nothing was going on? I made it clear that I wasn't buying her story. At one point in the relationship, she called the cops on the OM because he kept harassing her (so she claims). Later on, I had the misfortune of speaking to the OM, and according to him, he had no idea that we were together when this all went down. He claimed they had quite a few 'hot dates', and that he was feeling troubled for doing it after finding out the truth. He also said that calling the cops was her way of covering up the truth... and that I had no idea about the type of person she really was. She claimed he was lying about the hot dates, and how dare I believe him over her. So.... I was willing to make things work, and they did to some extent, but not without issues. We're married today, but the marriage itself isn't very stable. I am trying so hard to make this work, but it feels like I am being pulled in a different direction. Over the course of this marriage, I have seen similar signs from my wife.... but at first I refused to acknowledge them. Maybe I shouldn't have? Signs like: Working longer hours but her check doesn't reflect the changes Acting very distant, upset, or awkward (i.e. like a disconnect) Constant changing stories.... she'll say one thing and then have a completely different story later. We have discussed these things together, so we're communicating... but I feel left in the dark -- like she isn't telling me everything, still, even to this day. We've been to counseling and that didn't work.... even friends and family are worried about me. Apparently they see something I don't. We do have our good days, so its not like every day is a living hell... My wife wants to have kids with me, which is fine because I want children too, but I don't think that would be a good idea right now. My wife has been caught in a few situations, so right now I don’t feel very comfortable. What should I do?
Woggle Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 Whatever you do don't bring kids into this because they would not deserve it. You can do much better than her and if I were you I would leave and move on even if she isn't cheating this time because it doesn't sound like there is much of a marriage their. There are women that will treat you like you should be treated so why waste your time dealing with her?
dazednconfusedagain Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 Wow. I have a similar story, although my g/f only talked to the OM for a couple of weeks when we were first together, and then told dozens of lies to cover up the fact that she was ever with him. And every day since I found out the truth, almost a year ago, I've been trying to convince/force myself to trust her, and to stay in the relationship. I still have all this mistrust and hurt, even though I haven't caught her in another lie since then and she's been wonderful to me. She caused me not to trust her, and once trust is destroyed it may never come back. You DEFINITELY need to get out of your marriage, and for GOD'S SAKE do not have children which will only tie you to her more firmly. Don't feel you need to catch her in more lies, or catch her cheating on you. Regardless of whether or not she is cheating on you now, she's done enough damage to the relationship and I don't think you'll ever trust her. Your friends are worried about you. That's because they care, and they want what is best for you. So you should be your own friend, and end your marriage and find someone who will treat you with respect. It sounds to me like both of you have a lot of codependency, but you have to take it on faith that you can find someone who will make you happier. And when she tries to win you back, which I have no doubt she will, be firm. If it's too hard to leave, get some counselling so that you'll learn to have more respect for your own feelings, and so you won't fall into a trap like this again. Good luck!
Bryanp Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 I think you would have to be a masochist to stay in this relationship. You were engaged and she was with the OM for 3 to 6 months behind your back and lied about it and now this. You are deluding yourself staying in this marriage. She clearly has no problems lying and cheating on you. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Why do you feel you deserve so little in your life? Surely you could do better in your life than this.
mjayc Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 My best advice I can give for the both of you is to not waste anymore of your time nor hers. Just go seperate ways...for good. It will never end. And continuing on like this will only cause a lifetime of regret and hard feelings. If you end it now, you can mourn and go on moving toward a new life.
quankanne Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 My wife wants to have kids with me, which is fine because I want children too, but I don't think that would be a good idea right now. sounds like she thinks a baby would be the glue to keep the marriage together, and that's just wrong, wrong, wrong ... a baby/children would just be more people who would end up hurt by a bad marriage. I don't believe divorce is the answer, that counselling should be the primary thing a couple in a troubled marriage should seek ... but in your case, I don't even think I could honestly recommend counselling. If she's emotionally at the same place now as when you were engaged to be married, she's not matured enough to understand what constitutes a marriage. Granted, it's mostly a learning experience, a work in progress, but one would hope that both parties grow from those experiences. It sounds like she refuses to do anything but stay mired in past behavior. And that's not good for your marriage. there's no shame in walking away from a sinking ship, Jay, and that's what your relationship with this woman has become. You obviously have different ideas on what marriage is, and they don't seem to intersect. Stay, and you'll spend the rest of your life uneasy about something your gut says is wrong. Leave, and leave a stronger, wiser person who understands he shouldn't have to settle for less than what he feels is right ... there are women willing to work their butts off to build the best marriage possible.
Frances Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 Why are you putting up with this? Life is not a rehearsal. Go and meet someone who is willing to put you first in their lives. There are plenty of nice single women out there who would be glad to be faithfull and have children. You want love in your life do not settle for less. Do not have children with this woman, she only loves herself. Good luck
Darth Vader Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Hello, I'm feeling a bit down today... For days I have been trying to fight off feelings that something has been going on with my wife. To give a little back story: Back when we first became an item, I discovered that she was seeing someone behind my back. I suspect it was going on for at least 3-6 months until that faithful day happened. I left her.... I was so sick inside, so violated -- she never once told me, and when we were together she would tell me that I was the only one for her. Of course, these were lies.... I should have seen the signs back then but I didn't. We were engaged, but not living together at the time. She worked two jobs, and when I would call her apartment on the days she was suppose to be home, no one would answer. She would return my calls (most times) after 3am in the morning with stories of shopping at Wal-mart because she needed things to buy. I was stupid; I took her word at face value, and I didn't think anything of it .... until I found out differently later. When it hit the fan, I walked out and she chased after me... I plainly told her that she could stay with the OM, because I felt she had tainted what I thought was the start of a beautiful future together. She wanted to work things out, and after some stubbornness on my part, I decided to give it a go. However, things were absolutely terrible between us. Sex was non-existent, she was constantly mean to me, and if I didn't initiate sex, I was lucky if it ever happened. We had multiple fights because she would mope around the apartment in a daze, and she was emotionally most of the time. When the truth finally came out (when she finally opened up), she said nothing sexual happened, but come on -- she was staying out that late and nothing was going on? I made it clear that I wasn't buying her story. At one point in the relationship, she called the cops on the OM because he kept harassing her (so she claims). Later on, I had the misfortune of speaking to the OM, and according to him, he had no idea that we were together when this all went down. He claimed they had quite a few 'hot dates', and that he was feeling troubled for doing it after finding out the truth. He also said that calling the cops was her way of covering up the truth... and that I had no idea about the type of person she really was. She claimed he was lying about the hot dates, and how dare I believe him over her. So.... I was willing to make things work, and they did to some extent, but not without issues. We're married today, but the marriage itself isn't very stable. I am trying so hard to make this work, but it feels like I am being pulled in a different direction. Over the course of this marriage, I have seen similar signs from my wife.... but at first I refused to acknowledge them. Maybe I shouldn't have? Signs like: Working longer hours but her check doesn't reflect the changes Acting very distant, upset, or awkward (i.e. like a disconnect) Constant changing stories.... she'll say one thing and then have a completely different story later. We have discussed these things together, so we're communicating... but I feel left in the dark -- like she isn't telling me everything, still, even to this day. We've been to counseling and that didn't work.... even friends and family are worried about me. Apparently they see something I don't. We do have our good days, so its not like every day is a living hell... My wife wants to have kids with me, which is fine because I want children too, but I don't think that would be a good idea right now. My wife has been caught in a few situations, so right now I don’t feel very comfortable. What should I do? Divorce her now! Don't have children with her! She IS cheating! Contact a lawyer and find out about your rights.
Author JayLK Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 Thank you to everyone for responding and showing concern. This has been a trying time for me and I can't begin to explain how this has been making me feel. While she has apologized for seeing the OM in the past, most of it never seemed sincere to me. I don't understand why this happened if she really loved me. Her defense on seeing the OM was to be the bigger person, something about getting rid of him. She expects me to let things go (which is understandable I suppose), but her behavior has reverted back to the beginning with the strange occurrences, attitude, and shady nature of not being able to recall situations / times consistently, etc. Just like before.... She does suffer from depression, but would depression make someone cheat on their spouse? I've been reading up on the illness to get a better understanding of it, but what I found so far hasn't indicated anything either way. Also, I want to state for the record that I am not a snoop of any kind, but I found a strange letter on her computer about us in MSWord format. The letter I found doesn’t contain an address and I don't know who it was to (maybe she’s been writing her thoughts down? I dunno). I am really hesitant to post her inner-thoughts here on the board because it feels like I am violating something, but in light of everything -- posting it could also shed some light on the people trying to help (not sure). The letter is filled with regret, guilt, etc., and what I read really seemed a little encouraging. Maybe I will post it (I don't know what to do here)... God help me if she found out.
Guest Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Jay, I know exactly how you feel. I am in a similar situation with my husband who also cheated years ago, and now wants to forgive and forget, and leave it all in the past. He was depressed at the time, there were significant stressors in his life that changed him into a different person, and I want very much to believe that that period of time was an anomaly, and we can move forward in a positive committed way together. I do think that people can act irrationally out of depression, and make mistakes - and if mistakes are all that they are, and you can forgive, I think its possible for some people to move past them. I think the question you have to ask yourself is whether you truly have a good marriage aside from what happened years ago, and whether you are willing to throw that away because of something that happened in the past. People change and grow throughout their whole lives, and she may have been changing and maturing too. I'm not suggesting to stay if the relationship is truly bad, but it sounds like you love her very much so I would caution you not to make too much out of small things - you are probably very paranoid (justifiably so) because of what happened in the past, and fearful of being hurt again. You may be perceiving things too sensitively. My husband and I are now in counselling, and it has been very positive. It helps to verbalize your feelings, and may make her realize that she has got a wonderful faithful husband who needs some extra reassurance. Just keep your eyes open, and I do agree with the others that this is not the right time for children. If things are going to work out, there will be lots of time for that in the future. Best of luck to you
Author JayLK Posted May 25, 2007 Author Posted May 25, 2007 I need some advice.... my marriage hasn't been the greatest as you know and things haven't gotten better. I spoke to someone a few weeks ago and he gave some advice on how to get to the bottom of this. I didn't believe his advice at first, but now I am kicking myself in the ass for taking so long to try it. He told me to think about the responses given on this board, and everything that is happening in my marriage. He also told me to figure out what might be going on with my wife, so I tried an experiment. It sounds dishonest (it makes me feel terrible inside) but I made a new e-mail account and pretended to be my wife's old ex. Wrote this small letter stating 'add me to your contacts' 'Where have you been', etc., to make it seem believeable. She took the bait... finding this out really hurt, because she promised me that her ex was history, and that she loved me and had no reason to ever communicate with any of them, if in fact they did. It was to see if she was being honest with me, and as I found out she isn't. I wrote a second e-mail asking her to meet somewhere, and I plan on being there if she bites. I hope I am doing the right thing, but this is the only way because she is obviously feeding me a bunch of BS about our relationship. My wife has always been the first person to say, "We need to leave the past behind us and move forward together". Well, so much for that notion.
Woggle Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 If I were you I would just put this marriage out of it's misery and find a woman that will appreciate what you have to offer. Even before you two were married she was acting like this and so far she has shown no signs of stopping. This is just her personality and who she is so why keep stressing yourself over this? You can do so much better than this and whatever you do don't bring children into this. They would not deserve this.
Ruby Tuesday Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 I agree with Woggle. She is a little sh*it starter and you can expect more of this in your future. If you are uncertian of how you feel, imagine how your future kids would feel if it happened to them? Their family ripped apart? Imagine raising them as a part time dad while wifey is out whoring around. I can just imagine the arguements and her calling the cops on you and making up stories to ruin your life. All she'd have to say was that you had hit her, and you're done. IMO anybody who calls the cops on their friends is not a friend. She will ruin your life. For some people, thats how they solve their problems. Making their private (civil) issue a legal issue. This thing with the OM may be your only warning of things to come for you, babe.
reservoirdog1 Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Get. Out. Now. Do NOT have kids with her. Not ever. The email-as-bait thing has pretty much given you all the answers you need. She's a serial cheater with little regard or respect from you, and as long as you're with her, you'll never know what she's really up to. Cheating once is one thing. Cheating again, after seeing what devastation it caused you, is quite another. I don't care if she's depressed, and neither should you. What, just because she's depressed, she's allowed to do things that hurt you and that she knows are wrong? I call BS on that. Dude, are you really happy in this marriage? And more importantly, knowing what you know, can you imagine ever being happy in a marriage to her? If you have kids with her, you're stuck with this dishonest, morally bereft woman in your life forever. Don't you think you deserve somebody better than her? Believe me, I know of what I speak. I've been where you are, where I was prepared to move heaven and earth if it meant my marriage a serial cheating spouse could continue. I look back at that time and wonder how that ever could have seemed like an appealing option to me. In my sitch I have two kids so I'm stuck with her in my life. (That's not much of a big deal now because I've let go of my anger, but it was bloody difficult for a couple of years.) You have the chance to get out and make a clean break. Right now, it's the easiest it's ever going to be. And it won't be this easy again. Oh, and by the way... DON'T feel guilty about "snooping" or "baiting her". This is one of those situations where the end justifies the means. Cheaters always try to turn it around on those they betrayed, and tear a strip off them for "invading their privacy". Don't fall for that -- you had every right to be suspicious, and your "snooping" confirmed your suspicions. Think where you'd be if you HADN'T snooped.
mrmaximum Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Jay, you have to leave, not now, but RIGHT NOW. You have given this realationship a valiant effort and nobody can fault you for giving up on this one. You did your best, she is no good for you. She's taking advantage of you. There is some need that she's getting fulfilled by staying with you and she knows how you feel. I agree with the other Quankanne, she's trying to keep you together by tying you down with a kid. There is nothing to do at this point but leave, what else is there to do but suffer? Do you really want to suffer like this for the rest of your life? You posted that there was a course of action that you wanted to try earlier and didn't, and you where kicking yourself because of it.....do you want that to be your life? You know what has to be done, yeah?
gullible Posted May 26, 2007 Posted May 26, 2007 I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My advice to you is to get out now. Things will only get worse. However, I find that saying that is much easier than doing it.
Darth Vader Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My advice to you is to get out now. Things will only get worse. However, I find that saying that is much easier than doing it. Ok, reread your post here MAN! Now as they say "JUST DO IT!"
Author JayLK Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 I just wanted to update everyone on everything. My wife came clean about the e-mail, not realizing I was the one who sent it. We were fighting the night she read the 'bait' e-mail, and ironically on that same night she came clean about the letter. She confessed that she read the e-mail.... and she gave me 2 different (albeit contradicting) reasons why. Her first excuse? She was curious about the letter and what it said. When I asked if she planned on responding to the e-mail, she gave a simple, "I might write back later". Now, like I stated previous -- my wife has always been the first person to say, "Leave the past behind so we can move forward" so I decided to bring this to her attention. Then she gave a second excuse to cover her tracks... she claimed she read the e-mail because she was mad at me (because we were fighting before she checked the mail) and said those things (i.e. writing back) to upset me and hurt me. This gave me a deeper understanding of what is going on. If she really cared about me, she never would have threatened to write the OM back, knowing damn well how the last time devastated me... and using it as a scare tactic is apparently her way of getting even with me. Everyone is right: she'll do anything to get her way because she cares about no one but herself. No matter how mad she gets, there is no reason to hang that over my head. If she really loved me, there would have been no reason to use such a painful tactic against me. Sure, I sent the e-mail as bait, but I can't begin to fathom how much this would have hurt if -- in fact -- the OM did write her. I would have spent every waking moment of my life wondering if she did / would write back, etc. Also, according to my wife -- she also read the e-mail out of spite because I have broken promises to her in the past. The only promise I ever broke between us was leaving the apartment during a fight. Her psycho-temper has almost gotten us kicked out more than once, and I left because I 1.) Couldn’t get her to calm down and 2.) I was afraid of us losing our place to live. I tried to explain this to her, but she refused to listen and said 'you broke a promise and so did I as a defense." There is a difference here... walking out on a fight to save our apartment because the landlord lives above us (and can hear everything we say) is one thing, but seeking out comfort from the OM (which almost destroyed us the first time) is evil, spiteful, and showcases untrustworthiness. It also shows me that she would do something if the chance were to arise. We did go away for Memorial Day weekend (her suggestion, not mine) and we had 3 1/2 days of blissful fun to help our relationship. At first I thought we were making some progress because we really opened up to each other, but she went back to her depressed self as soon as we got home from our trip out. Her excuse for being depressed? She misses the good time we had... ok, whatever. Sorry for the long post...
Author JayLK Posted May 30, 2007 Author Posted May 30, 2007 Just wanted to add one more comment... my wife sells cosmetics, and she has a friend returning home in a couple of weeks. Apparently this friend is throwing a 'wild' bachelorette party for someone that is getting married, and she invited my wife over to the party to show off her cosmetics. My wife wants to go.... well, I know that would be a mistake on my part (especially after reading your posts). I'm an idiot.... I just need to leave. She can whore around at the party for all I care. She knows the party is going to be crazy (I saw the e-mail but she doesn't know this; she left out the 'wild' part when she told me about the party; gee, go figure) so again no respect for how I feel. I'm suppose to trust the fact that she'll leave before the party starts. Yeah, right... God, save me...
Ruby Tuesday Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 This tit for tat approach will never work, especially when its a perceived broken promise. Is she going to write the OM everytime you make a mistake? It sounds like attention seeking bullsh*t to me. You need to get yourself straight and have no more of this. There are plenty of good women that would be so happy to be your girl. I know you love her despite everything she's done, but those are your feelings, you made your love for her that strong, but it's one sided. You spoiled her. Sometimes they have to lose you to understand what they lost. The make-up sales is just an excuse to go to the party. It will be all play and no work. I bet she wont bring home even one sales receipt. Pretty soon she is going to run out of excuses and so will you. I wish I could just hug you through this computer. I have been there and its not any fun at all.
Author JayLK Posted June 1, 2007 Author Posted June 1, 2007 This tit for tat approach will never work, especially when its a perceived broken promise. Is she going to write the OM everytime you make a mistake? It sounds like attention seeking bullsh*t to me. You need to get yourself straight and have no more of this. There are plenty of good women that would be so happy to be your girl. I know you love her despite everything she's done, but those are your feelings, you made your love for her that strong, but it's one sided. You spoiled her. Sometimes they have to lose you to understand what they lost. The make-up sales is just an excuse to go to the party. It will be all play and no work. I bet she wont bring home even one sales receipt. Pretty soon she is going to run out of excuses and so will you. I wish I could just hug you through this computer. I have been there and its not any fun at all. I am finding it very hard to get myself straight on this. I don't know why, but I am finding it very hard. If I may ask, what is your story Ruby? You mentioned being through a similiar situation; maybe I can learn something that can help me be strong enough to change things? My wife and I were talking yesterday about our marriage and she kept saying that everything is 'fine' between us and that 'we are going to make it together'. Words of enouragement or words of deception? I dunno'... the tit for tat thing was shocking, but she claimed she did it out of anger and it wasn't 'tit for tat'. Of course, what she did was tit for tat, but she thinks she can talk her way out of anything.
Ruby Tuesday Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 I suggest your read up at surviving infidelity for more guidance, because even if I told you everything that I have been through (and am still going through) you wouldn't understand unless you have been through it. You wife is still in the early stages, you are in the just found out stage and I'm in recovery stage. They are two completely different things. I guess maybe if you've invested 10+ years and had children together and maybe then you would understand where I'm at now. My only advice for a 'newbie' is that no matter what anyone tells you, listen to your gut instincts. Never tip your hand about how you investigate the WS, it will make them more sneakier and they will take it more underground. Read... Read as much as you can.
Author JayLK Posted June 4, 2007 Author Posted June 4, 2007 I suggest your read up at surviving infidelity for more guidance, because even if I told you everything that I have been through (and am still going through) you wouldn't understand unless you have been through it. You wife is still in the early stages, you are in the just found out stage and I'm in recovery stage. They are two completely different things. I guess maybe if you've invested 10+ years and had children together and maybe then you would understand where I'm at now. My only advice for a 'newbie' is that no matter what anyone tells you, listen to your gut instincts. Never tip your hand about how you investigate the WS, it will make them more sneakier and they will take it more underground. Read... Read as much as you can. Thank you for responding Ruby. I understand that we are both in different stages of the same thing -- and I can certainly identify with the pain of just about everyone here -- but there is no reason to discount my feelings as a 'newb' because my situation hasn't (yet) escalated to your point. I just wanted some general information to help me further myself through this. I can tell by your post that you are still feeling bitter from the entire ordeal, and I can sympathize. I have been reading article after article about infidelity on the internet to the point of making my head spin out of control. Signs, body language -- synopsis of situations accounted by other people; the long end short of it is quite simple from what I have seen: there is no real way to prepare for infidelity despite what some of these articles say, and there is no 'do it yourself' guide to investigating something like this (everyone expects you to pay; I don't expect something for nothing, but it would be nice to have people in the know release something that would be of good use to us all). My situation is beginning to escalate, but there is a problem: I have nowhere to go. Saving money for a new place is hard because in the meantime, I have to pay the bills to keep the current place going. I could move back home with family temporarily, but I don't want to be placed in that situation. I'm worried, scared, and sick inside to be honest. I have to help myself (I know this) but the situation truly isn't in my favor no matter how I analyze it.
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