unfoundedconcern Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Quick history...I've never posted to anything like this so I'll try to be concise. I'm suspecting my wife of eight years of an affair for which I have little to no evidence, yet it haunts me every day. I love her with everything I am, she's never done anything intentional to shake my trust in her, yet I'm having these feelings for quite literally the first time in my life. I'm 34 and we've been married for going on eight years, we've got two kids, 2 and 4, and have been going to marriage counseling now for a couple of months. It's been a painful experience thus far. While I'm certainly far from perfect, I treat my wife with the respect she deserves, I help out 50/50 with the kids (although one of the things that has come up is that I'm not very good at consistent discipline which is true,) I do the cooking, I help with the domestic chores, and I try to do the things she wants around the house despite being more artistic than handy. It's been just this past six months or so that haven't been very good for us. She has said many hurtful things to me that I can't understand - you don't love the kids, you are a ghost in the house, I am happier when you are away traveling, the kids wouldn't be impacted by a potential divorce, etc. We aren't the raised-voice arguing couple and never have been, and hearing these things come out of her mouth have been incredibly painful. I would die for my kids, I'm only a 'ghost' in the mornings because it takes me some time to wake up, and I don't know why I'm defending myself right now. All I know is that she's changed, and based on what she's saying she's held many of these feelings in for quite some time which makes this all the more painful. Had she voiced some of her concerns when they happened I don't think she'd be this irritable and outwardly upset. The other item of concern she's raised is my defensive nature, that when she wants to criticize me about something I don't take it very well despite my relaxed, accepting nature. I guess that might be true, but only in 2-3 specific situations that I can remember and I probably apologized at the time. What I'm saying here is that I feel like she's grabbing at straws here from my perspective. I love my wife, I show her my love in so many ways, I contribute 50/50 to the financial well being of our household, I'm a great dad to my kids who love and respect me, etc. So one thing I've been trying to cross off the list of reasons why my wife has suddenly changed is the potential of an affair. She has a direct report who is single and 5-7 years younger, lives with a bunch of roommates. I haven't met him, but from what I've heard from her he's a good analyst and the two of them have had well-deserved feedback from a variety of corporate leaders as to their performance. All well and good. Here's the issue I have...this is a man that she voluntarily has lunch with nearly every day - check the 'alone time' box. You and I know that beyond the third lunch these alone times get personal and friendly. I'd be fine with this this if this were happening every now and then but it's not. Happy hours - the two or three she's been to have ultimately ended with the two of them being alone, and this might be due to the fact that many of the other people she works with are much older. Fine. So I'm overreacting, right? I confronted her on it and was honest with her that the volume of alone time she was having with another man made me insecure for the first time in my life. I told her it wasn't a 'I don't trust you' issue, it's a 'I don't trust him' issue and it still is to me. I asked her if he's made any moves that are more than friendly towards her and she said no, and that if he did she would stop them. Fine. Again, I'm overreacting and am dillusional, right? He's called our house a few times, all work related...I even spoke with him once and passed the phone on to her. He helped her with a laptop issue she was having. Sounded like a nice guy on the phone to boot. Her birthday was yesterday, and he bought her a book about dream interpretation. Weird, not just topic-wise, but that you'd buy your boss a gift. I asked her about the book at lunch today and she said it came up during one of their conversations, he had read a book on it before, and so he thought she'd want to read up on it. No problem...why should I be worried? You see the pattern here...while I have nothing tangible to bring these two together, my gut feels like something is. I checked her cell phone one time when I broke down and it had a call from him on it. I think she's somehow erasing her received and dialed calls from her phone but am not sure why. I don't see the bill from her cell phone come to our home. This is driving me crazy because I just want to know for sure without making things worse and without bringing it up again. No strange receipts, nothing out of the ordinary in her car, yet my gut is telling me to pursue this to find out - to use uv lights on her panties, to place a voice-enabled recorder in her car, to violate her with private surveillance. I feel like a terrible person just writing those things, and I'm not going to follow through with any of them. I haven't brought this up during our marital counseling because it's fragile right now - the counselor suggested that she's further away from the marriage than I am and I just need to step away, give her the space she's needing, stop with all of the affectionate and sex, etc, until she figures out how to be happy again. So I'm miserable and feel awful about having what are likely misguided thoughts about my wife's actions. Am I the only one out there that's nuts and going through this? Has anyone actually acted on any of these child-like detective methods? Are these feelings normal or have I become paranoid after 34 years of being normal? Thanks for the feedback...
crazy_grl Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I don't want to make you worry more, but her behavior sounds VERY suspicious. It's not just that she's spending time with this guy. What makes it sound most suspicious to me is that after you told her that you were feeling insecure because of him, she continued spending just as much time with him. In my opinion, if a person loves you and values you, they'll put your feelings over someone of the opposite sex if that person is just a friend. They will at least take steps to try to put your mind at ease, like spending less time with that person. The only possibilities I see for why a person wouldn't is that they're romantically involved with that "friend" or that they're not mature enough to realize the damage they're doing to their relationship and to put their partner first when it comes to these situations. Sorry man, it just doesn't look good for you. Right now, you're letting her disrespect you and convince you that it's all your problem. Stop buying into her "it's no big deal" act. If you don't want to confront her about it right now, at least stop convincing yourself that you're paranoid and crazy.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I hate to add to your sense of foreboding but your story is very similar to the infidelity-driven implosion of my first marriage. "Co-worker", "alone time", "happy hour" - deja vu. The disquieting thing to me is not her actions but her unwillingness to go out of her way to reassure you, something one would normally do to ease the mind of a troubled spouse. I wouldn't even attempt to advise on what to do to in the way of playing detective. Keep your eyes wide open... Mr. Lucky
Darth Vader Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 You're not crazy, or paranoid. It's evident there's something going on here, she's been saying mean things to you, that's a red flag right there. Often the cheater will "push" the betrayed spouse away by saying bad things. As far as deleted calls, and no phone bill, another red flag. I would obtain a copy of the bill from the cell phone company if possible. Have you thought about installing a keylogger on the computer? It's possible that she has a secret email account, like yahoo or something. Have you thought about hiring a PI? Now, I suggest that you DO NOT confront her now with any evidence that you have, or uncover, because you by doing so will cause her to go "underground" with this possible affair. You can get the Checkmate test thing if you want, to check her underwear for, well, evidence. Contact a lawyer and find out about your rights. And remember, YOU'RE NOT at fault for her actions. Anyone have anything else?
Darth Vader Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Oh, very important! Don't let her find this site, don't do save type or nothing, delete cookies etc.!
Ladyjane14 Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 Emotional Distancing can occur for LOTS of different reasons. I'm not saying that women don't cheat. You don't have to look far to see that some do. But try not to jump to any conclusions. If you type into your browser, "the three states of marriage, marriagebuilders", as well as "why women leave men, marriagebuilders".... there are a couple of good articles that might give you some insight into other possible causes.
LakesideDream Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 Wow, it's one thing to be a trusting husband in a LTR and being blindsided by a cheating spouse. It's another all together to be in a relationship without trust, be in faux conseling, be the loving "house husband" even though you are more "artistic.... and not having the courage to find out what's actually going on. It might be as easy as dropping in at the bar where your wife spends her "happy hours". You should be able to tell what's going on by hiding behind a planter and watching them together. Sir, it's time to get off your arse and find out what's happening in the real world. If you are wrong... what harm's in it. If you are correct, you will be able to prepare for the tough times on the horizon. That is... if you have the gumption. Life must be especially hard for metrosexuals!
dazednconfusedagain Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 I think you are justified in feeling some mistrust... if nothing else, her "friendship" with this other man sounds like an emotional affair. She spends a lot of time with him, probably shares personal feelings with him, maybe feels that he's easier to talk to than you... even if it hasn't (or doesn't) progress to a physicial affair, it sounds like it is an emotional one. Here's my suggestion... ask to meet the man. Tell her that her friendship is still making you a little uncomfortable, but that you'd feel better if you got to know the guy. Have him over for dinner. Maybe a few times. Let him get to know you, and you get to know him. That may not change anything, but I know I was quite close with a married woman once and meeting her husband (and realizing what a nice guy he was) helped keep me from developing any stronger feelings for her. Plus, you'll get to watch how they interact and see if they seem uncomfortable around you, all from the comfort of your own dinner table. And if she says no to your request to meet him... well, that says a hell of a lot about what the nature of their relationship is.
littlekitty Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 Whilst for the main part I agree with the other posters, I did notice something else in your OP. I'm 34 and we've been married for going on eight years, we've got two kids, 2 and 4, and have been going to marriage counseling now for a couple of months. It's been a painful experience thus far. While I'm certainly far from perfect, I treat my wife with the respect she deserves, I help out 50/50 with the kids (although one of the things that has come up is that I'm not very good at consistent discipline which is true,) I do the cooking, I help with the domestic chores, and I try to do the things she wants around the house despite being more artistic than handy. It's been just this past six months or so that haven't been very good for us. She has said many hurtful things to me that I can't understand - you don't love the kids, you are a ghost in the house, I am happier when you are away traveling, the kids wouldn't be impacted by a potential divorce, etc. We aren't the raised-voice arguing couple and never have been, and hearing these things come out of her mouth have been incredibly painful. I would die for my kids, I'm only a 'ghost' in the mornings because it takes me some time to wake up, and I don't know why I'm defending myself right now. All I know is that she's changed, and based on what she's saying she's held many of these feelings in for quite some time which makes this all the more painful. Had she voiced some of her concerns when they happened I don't think she'd be this irritable and outwardly upset. The other item of concern she's raised is my defensive nature, that when she wants to criticize me about something I don't take it very well despite my relaxed, accepting nature. I guess that might be true, but only in 2-3 specific situations that I can remember and I probably apologized at the time. What I'm saying here is that I feel like she's grabbing at straws here from my perspective. I love my wife, I show her my love in so many ways, I contribute 50/50 to the financial well being of our household, I'm a great dad to my kids who love and respect me, etc. You tell us how well you treat your wife, how you haven't done anything wrong, how none of what she is saying in counselling is correct. You also say she's held these feelings in for a long time. And from this, you determine that something has changed and that it is that she is having an affair. While that is most certainly possible, I find it worrying that you don't appear to have taken any of your wifes concerns on board? Often people who post in these situations realise that perhaps they haven't been as blameless as they thought they had. That perhaps they should/could have done more in one way or another. That perhaps their partner has some valid points. You mearly state that perhaps she was correct on 2-3 occasions when she criticized you. Yes, she could be just making up reasons to push you away, but these could also be genuine concerns of hers. Did she expand on why she see's you as ghost in the house, why she doesn't think you love your children? Surely she must have expanded on this in counselling? I just find it strange that you find no room to say that she could be right in any of these things?
Recommended Posts