unfoundedconcern Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Quick history...I've never posted to anything like this so I'll try to be concise. I'm suspecting my wife of eight years of an affair for which I have little to no evidence, yet it haunts me every day. I love her with everything I am, she's never done anything intentional to shake my trust in her, yet I'm having these feelings for quite literally the first time in my life. I'm 34 and we've been married for going on eight years, we've got two kids, 2 and 4, and have been going to marriage counseling now for a couple of months. It's been a painful experience thus far. While I'm certainly far from perfect, I treat my wife with the respect she deserves, I help out 50/50 with the kids (although one of the things that has come up is that I'm not very good at consistent discipline which is true,) I do the cooking, I help with the domestic chores, and I try to do the things she wants around the house despite being more artistic than handy. It's been just this past six months or so that haven't been very good for us. She has said many hurtful things to me that I can't understand - you don't love the kids, you are a ghost in the house, I am happier when you are away traveling, the kids wouldn't be impacted by a potential divorce, etc. We aren't the raised-voice arguing couple and never have been, and hearing these things come out of her mouth have been incredibly painful. I would die for my kids, I'm only a 'ghost' in the mornings because it takes me some time to wake up, and I don't know why I'm defending myself right now. All I know is that she's changed, and based on what she's saying she's held many of these feelings in for quite some time which makes this all the more painful. Had she voiced some of her concerns when they happened I don't think she'd be this irritable and outwardly upset. The other item of concern she's raised is my defensive nature, that when she wants to criticize me about something I don't take it very well despite my relaxed, accepting nature. I guess that might be true, but only in 2-3 specific situations that I can remember and I probably apologized at the time. What I'm saying here is that I feel like she's grabbing at straws here from my perspective. I love my wife, I show her my love in so many ways, I contribute 50/50 to the financial well being of our household, I'm a great dad to my kids who love and respect me, etc. So one thing I've been trying to cross off the list of reasons why my wife has suddenly changed is the potential of an affair. She has a direct report who is single and 5-7 years younger, lives with a bunch of roommates. I haven't met him, but from what I've heard from her he's a good analyst and the two of them have had well-deserved feedback from a variety of corporate leaders as to their performance. All well and good. Here's the issue I have...this is a man that she voluntarily has lunch with nearly every day - check the 'alone time' box. You and I know that beyond the third lunch these alone times get personal and friendly. I'd be fine with this this if this were happening every now and then but it's not. Happy hours - the two or three she's been to have ultimately ended with the two of them being alone, and this might be due to the fact that many of the other people she works with are much older. Fine. So I'm overreacting, right? I confronted her on it and was honest with her that the volume of alone time she was having with another man made me insecure for the first time in my life. I told her it wasn't a 'I don't trust you' issue, it's a 'I don't trust him' issue and it still is to me. I asked her if he's made any moves that are more than friendly towards her and she said no, and that if he did she would stop them. Fine. Again, I'm overreacting and am dillusional, right? He's called our house a few times, all work related...I even spoke with him once and passed the phone on to her. He helped her with a laptop issue she was having. Sounded like a nice guy on the phone to boot. Her birthday was yesterday, and he bought her a book about dream interpretation. Weird, not just topic-wise, but that you'd buy your boss a gift. I asked her about the book at lunch today and she said it came up during one of their conversations, he had read a book on it before, and so he thought she'd want to read up on it. No problem...why should I be worried? You see the pattern here...while I have nothing tangible to bring these two together, my gut feels like something is. I checked her cell phone one time when I broke down and it had a call from him on it. I think she's somehow erasing her received and dialed calls from her phone but am not sure why. I don't see the bill from her cell phone come to our home. This is driving me crazy because I just want to know for sure without making things worse and without bringing it up again. No strange receipts, nothing out of the ordinary in her car, yet my gut is telling me to pursue this to find out - to use uv lights on her panties, to place a voice-enabled recorder in her car, to violate her with private surveillance. I feel like a terrible person just writing those things, and I'm not going to follow through with any of them. I haven't brought this up during our marital counseling because it's fragile right now - the counselor suggested that she's further away from the marriage than I am and I just need to step away, give her the space she's needing, stop with all of the affectionate and sex, etc, until she figures out how to be happy again. So I'm miserable and feel awful about having what are likely misguided thoughts about my wife's actions. Am I the only one out there that's nuts and going through this? Has anyone actually acted on any of these child-like detective methods? Are these feelings normal or have I become paranoid after 34 years of being normal? Thanks for the feedback...
kepners Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 buddy ur having a hard time of it, because shes being nasty, because other guy is being who you USED TO BE!!! there is the key, think back to how u got your wife! you deep DEEP DOWN know uv given up doing stuff for HER! from my humble opinion, you do stuff for the family and thats what needed, but your not doing stuff for HER, you know when you do it a few times her oldself will come back and she will stop looking for buddy-boy-at-work for support. as for buddy boy, forget him, as best you can, concentrate on HER, and i mean it. your loosing focus of HER NEEDS. i know you have need also buddy, but us men are more... independant. you know what i mean, get out there - book a nany for the evening take her out to the opera and meal, sort out a picnic on a sunday, go for walks together and the family, spend some time together alone, you tell how much you love her and that you going to show her, and tease her saying that shes going to have 7days of SURPRISES! i mean there is NO WAY ON GOD GREEN EARTH THAT BUDDY BOY can complete with you! YOUR THE HUSBAND! a month of proper old skool loving (the way you chased her) will have buddy boy gone! TRUST. If you dont want to do that and think things over. then HIRE A P.I.... and you will loose your wife!.... your wife is in your hand. he brought her a book... man you can buy her everything and he cant do anything about it other than get jealous!! if he buys one thing thats over step the mark then you have your proof he fancies her! a book on dreams isnt it. its him TRYING but not winning! only you can snatch defet from his arms!!
kepners Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 just re-read the thing the cousolour said... give her space... what to loose her?! i guess there is a difference between romancing her... ie opera and meals and such like and the lets have sex babe... i guess your action need to rock harder than you words. i mean sending flowers to work or a sending a romantic message in a bottle.... you know. i cant believe you sitting back and doing nothing is the best advise. your not trying to get an ex backk.... but as i write this, that EXACTLY HOW YOU GET AN EX BACK... by letting her go... and give her space... maybe this is hte situation your in except she CANT just walk away... ooooo i think hit on something here! HAAH as i write this! you now have two different ideas... goes to show what i know, but your the husband and he's a work buddy. who is trying to get your misses (in my opinion)
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