Thinking of leaving my wife...

[somequestionsplz]

I'm still new to these boards so please bear with me here. I posted something else on the boards completely unrelated to the rant I plan on posting her, and at first I wasn't going to say anything, but after reading more on this board I have decided to come forth with problems in my marriage

 

My relationship with my wife hasn't been that great. She suffers from depression, and sometimes it is very hard to have a discussion with her regarding how things have been. She'll throw crazy fits and act very childish, despite being on medication for her illness. I never once expected any of this to be easy, but some days it feels like it's not worth it.

 

My wife tries to betray herself as a devoted wife who loves me, but when situations arise, she is a completely different person. Right before our wedding (when spending a day at the beach), she started flirting with some guys at a local Gamestop. We're big gamers and we wanted to buy something for our Nintendo DS systems.... but when it happens it tends to make me feel sick inside. Oh, I have confronted her on this many times before, and it always ends in her saying that she would never do anything to hurt us, etc. I know some people tend to flirt by nature, but her flirting contradicts the way she claims to be as a person. "I'm a one man woman" she says, but I dunno'....

 

 

This doesn't happen all the time, but when it does happen it hurts like hell. Recently, my wife was in a car accident and luckily she survived and left the crash with a knee injury. She is now taking Physical Therapy for the injury and she has me joining in on each session. Why? She claims she wants me there..... I wanted to wait in the waiting room, but she argued the point with me, so I decided to go in with her.

 

Her therapist seemed like a decent person the first few times of meeting him, but after the third visit I am starting to think differently. He's married, has kids, etc., and the first few times he would ask my wife questions about her life, etc. to pas the time buy as he did the PT procedures. Great, all in good jest I suppose... but now he is getting too personal with my wife, and he is doing it in front of me. During our last visit to this guy, he had the gall to ask my wife her work schedule. "What time do you start work in the morning?" and "oh, you have free time between your schedule in the day? Are you free during this time?" Blah, blah, blah..

 

I haven't spoken up because it isn't my place, but we're on the third visit of him asking the exact same things verbatim each time (this time he apparently grew enough balls to ask about her work schedule, availability, etc,). Just a bit too personal for someone who is there to treat a knee.

 

To the males that read this: you've been there... it’s a sixth-sense... you can see it and feel it, but you can't always explain it.

 

Should I say something to the PT next time? I think I should since my wife apparently likes what is happening. Oh, according to her she doesn't like it -- but how can she not like it if (according to her) nothing is happening?

I try to add to the conversation (because according to my wife she wants me to talk while the therapy is in progress), but when I do the PT either interrupts me with more questions about my wife’s personal life, or he acts like I am not there. I don’t want to embarrass my wife by saying something (because trust me, they’ll know I’m there if I do), but it’s killing me that my wife is letting this gorilla get away with this crap.

 

When we discussed this after the therapy, she gave me the same bs of how she loves me, etc. According to her, if something is going on she isn't picking up on it. Then in the next breath she says, "Why do you think I gave him general answers to his questions?" Wait... do I see a contradiction her? This woman is screwing with my head!!

 

This is a matter of my mental state which is being spun around like a top... a lot more has happened, but I don't feel like typing it right now.

[somequestionsplz]

My main issue is that my wife is encouraging this to continue by not saying anything. To make matters worse, she tries to convince me that it’s not happening when it actually is. My wife and I have been around males bfore, and this happens with certain ones. Meaning: she doesn't do it with every guy she comes across. Do you see how twisted some of this is? I'm sure some of you will chime in with "Hey, she likes to flirt, get over it." Well, great! That's fine... but tell me to my face instead of making me think it's not happening when it does, in plain view of me. God... I wasn't born yesterday.

 

Anyway... I'll post more later... when I am feeling up to it.

[annabelle75]

From your story I am having a hard time understanding what it is that she is doing wrong. Even if this guy is kind of flirting with her, what is the harm if she isn't reciprocating? The fact that she wants you there with them should show you that you can trust her and she has nothing to hide. What exactly is it you want her to do about it? Tell him to stop and then have her sessions be awkward or have to find a new PT? If it isn't so bad its bothering her maybe you should just let it go. You can't hold her resonsible for the actions of others. Unless she has given you some real reason to not trust her, maybe you should let it be.

[somequestionsplz]

From your story I am having a hard time understanding what it is that she is doing wrong. Even if this guy is kind of flirting with her, what is the harm if she isn't reciprocating? The fact that she wants you there with them should show you that you can trust her and she has nothing to hide. What exactly is it you want her to do about it? Tell him to stop and then have her sessions be awkward or have to find a new PT? If it isn't so bad its bothering her maybe you should just let it go. You can't hold her resonsible for the actions of others. Unless she has given you some real reason to not trust her, maybe you should let it be.

 

What is she doing wrong? Gee, I dunno.. Maybe she could show some respect for our marriage by telling this guy to stop? What decent, semi-morale person enjoys being flirted on by someone else, in the presence of their husband?

 

It shows me that she doesn't care about my feelings... and it also shows a lack of respect for our relationship.

 

If you read my entire post, I state very clearly that she covers her tracks by playing the 'innocent' card.

[annabelle75]

What is she doing wrong? Gee, I dunno.. Maybe she could show some respect for our marriage by telling this guy to stop? What decent, semi-morale person enjoys being flirted on by someone else, in the presence of their husband?

 

It shows me that she doesn't care about my feelings... and it also shows a lack of respect for our relationship.

 

If you read my entire post, I state very clearly that she covers her tracks by playing the 'innocent' card.

 

I don't think she's playing a card. Unless he is cheating on you, then she is innocent. I think this may be more about you than her.

 

If your wife is an attractive woman than men are going to flirt with her. I don't think her not confronting every man and telling them to stop is disrespectful. As long as she doesn't actively encourage it knowing that it upsets you, I don't see how she is wronging you.

 

Some people are just flirtatious by nature. I am and so was my ex-husband. He use to flirt with other women right in front of me. It never bothered me because I trusted him and knew that it was harmless.

 

If just the fact that she doesn't reprimand every man that flirts with her makes you think you should leave her I am thinking that there are probably other things wrong in the marriage as well. Perhaps there are other ways she is disrespecting the marriage and that is the reason this upsets you so much.

[somequestionsplz]

I don't think she's playing a card. Unless he is cheating on you, then she is innocent. I think this may be more about you than her.

 

If your wife is an attractive woman than men are going to flirt with her. I don't think her not confronting every man and telling them to stop is disrespectful. As long as she doesn't actively encourage it knowing that it upsets you, I don't see how she is wronging you.

 

Some people are just flirtatious by nature. I am and so was my ex-husband. He use to flirt with other women right in front of me. It never bothered me because I trusted him and knew that it was harmless.

 

If just the fact that she doesn't reprimand every man that flirts with her makes you think you should leave her I am thinking that there are probably other things wrong in the marriage as well. Perhaps there are other ways she is disrespecting the marriage and that is the reason this upsets you so much.

 

Well, there is a difference here.... she denies being flirtatious... yet she is.

 

I'll catch her doing things and she'll stare me in the eyes and deny it. Rinse, repeat... This is just the icing on the cake.

 

What you have failed to see is the bigger picture here: you don't paint the kettle black and then change the color later; my wife isn't being truthful about these things, so I have every right to be upset. You can't stop other people from flirting, but having some control on her end would be nice, and it wouldn't make her look so much like a hypocrite.

 

What doesn’t offend you may offend others... and since he's now your ex-husband, I'd wager to say that your 'freestyle' flirtatious relationship played a part in your separation.

[socialight]

1) change therapists

 

2) what part of "in sickness and in health" did you not understand when you got married?

[My Fair Katie]

Wow, what you call flirting I call "friendly small talk."

 

I see nothing flirtatious when asking someone's schedule.

 

And "gave me the same bs about she loves me etc." Her love is BS? Just, wow.

[annabelle75]

Well, there is a difference here.... she denies being flirtatious... yet she is.

 

I'll catch her doing things and she'll stare me in the eyes and deny it. Rinse, repeat... This is just the icing on the cake.

 

What you have failed to see is the bigger picture here: you don't paint the kettle black and then change the color later; my wife isn't being truthful about these things, so I have every right to be upset. You can't stop other people from flirting, but having some control on her end would be nice, and it wouldn't make her look so much like a hypocrite.

 

What doesn’t offend you may offend others... and since he's now your ex-husband, I'd wager to say that your 'freestyle' flirtatious relationship played a part in your separation.

 

Explain to me why that comment was necessary as well as the post you made in my thread. Not that it is any of your business, but NO it had nothing to do with our divorce.

 

Now lets get back to you ......... unlike everyone else here that just chose to ignore your post I stepped up and tried to point that you might be overracting to this situation. Why does that upset you so much? If you came here expecting people to just blindly tell you that you are right, you came to the wrong place. We're here to help and support each other even if that means telling some one they may not be right.

 

I don't think your wife is lying to you. I think what you consider flirting she just considers being nice to people who talk to her. I think its a matter of perception and not something that is worth leaving your spouse over.

 

Have you considered MC? If I were you I would. Perhaps if you both better understand the other's perspective you'll be able to work things out.

[lonelybird]

seems you overreacted. It is not your wife who mess up your mind, I feel like it is the little imaginations that you created that mess you up. what do you fear? It is more about you than your wife I think. because of fear many people mess up good marriages by themselves, not by their SO. you just cannot control another human being or tie them in the home.

 

Maybe it is time to rebuild your marriage, rather than devoice her or RUN. Some soul searching might be good too

 

It looks like normal social conversation, maybe the doc tried to make your wife relax?

[Teddy and Jane]

Am I the only one who agrees with the original poster? I think his wife is being VERY disrespectful. I guess when I was in serious relationships, (although I've never been married), the guy didn't flirt with other women, especially in front of me, and he didn't give off vibes for women to flirt with him, either.

Sorry but I think you are right in evaluating your marriage. You have brought it to her attention that she flirts and is receptive to flirting with other men and that it bothers you, yet it continues.

Also as far as the depression goes...well....I think she is probably using her "depression" as an excuse to behave like that to get attention from you. Throwing crazy fits really isn't a sign of depression, it's a sign of she's loco, baby. Why is it she throws these fits in front of you, but the guys at the game shop and the physical therapist get to see her flirtacious, fun behavior? Convenient that she magically doesn't have those fits then.

She sounds a lot like a friend of mine's exwife who ended up cheating on him with a coworker and he divorced her. She was a classic narcissist and it sounds like she may be, also.

[Teddy and Jane]

Sorry, Annabelle, but the OP did have a point about your exhusband. Husbands and wives who flirt with others, in front of their spouse...well, that just isn't a healthy relationship IMO.

[Teddy and Jane]

It looks like normal social conversation, maybe the doc tried to make your wife relax?

 

So...asking the same questions over and over about her work schedule and breaks, at each physical therapy session, is normal behavior?

God forbid the husband asks about the actual therapy procedure and how it's going and he gets ignored by the therapist?

It's kind of sad to me that people these days are finding such behavior of their spouse acceptable. The standards of marriage are lowering.

[honeybees28]

i dont want to come off as harsh.

but i sense a whole whole lot of insecurity within you, as a husband.

from what you've disclosed to us, your wife has done absolutely nothing wrong, yet it comes off that way because of YOUR insecurities. maybe you should be in counseling as well. im not saying that meanly, just sort of matter of factly. as an outsider i see a woman going to physical therapy and probably just being friendly and nice. and i see her therapist questioning her work schedule and daily activities because maybe it plays some role in her progress. to me, you appear very paranoid. and jealous. which are two bad things.

 

shes actually REQUESTING you attend her sessions.

why do you think that is? because shes trying to hide something from you? no. because she wants her husband there. to be a part of the process.

 

you have no real basis for which to divorce your wife.

lord forbid YOU ever get ill and she wants to leave you.

turn the tables and see how you would want to be treated.

depression is not easy. she needs you to support her.

and throwing crazy fits IS a sign of depression.

and only someone who has gone through it would EVER understand.

if you arent prepared to support her with her issues then you should've never gotten married. marriage is a COMMITTMENT. and NOT perfect.

has she been having sexual relations outside of your marriage?

im guessing not.

otherwise i dont see any real reasons for why you would LEAVE someone you devoted your life to.

 

i also agree with someone else who stated your mind is running wild with a lot of situations and actions that really arent happening. you really need to find someone to help you with these things or it will ruin your marriage.

 

there is a simple way to handle this.

COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR WIFE.

SPEAK WITH HER. SHARE WITH HER YOUR CONCERNS.

IN A VERY KIND WAY. NOT A JEALOUS PARANOID KIND OF WAY.

 

and really get yourself some help with your insecurities.

honestly.

your wife deserves your support in her time of need...

not a husband who is convinced shes incessantly lying

or sneaking around. yikes.

[annabelle75]

Sorry, Annabelle, but the OP did have a point about your exhusband. Husbands and wives who flirt with others, in front of their spouse...well, that just isn't a healthy relationship IMO.

 

Actually, that we weren't jealous and controling was one of the healthiest parts of our relationship. It was something we learned in MC. And making preseumptions and judgements about my marriage aren't going to do the OP any good becasue you don't know anything about it.

 

I have to admit after "and he didn't give off vibes for women to flirt with him, either, " I didn't pay much attention to the rest of your post. Do you really think the reason guys flirt with the OP's wife because she gives off a vibe? The I guess you must be right and the OP should leave her since she can't seem to control her vibes.

[Teddy and Jane]

By putting off vibes I mean being receptive to the flirting. Just because some guys start chatting you up in a game shop doesn't mean you have to respond.

 

And to the other poster, I have been through clinical depression, and throwing fits would be an example of trying to manipulate and get your husband's attention, not really depression.

Unless the therapist is mentally retarded or deaf, he shouldn't need to ask the same questions about her work schedule and breaks over and over in order to remember them, each time she goes for therapy, and totally ignore her husband's valid questions about her therapy.

[MagnoliaJane]

I have to agree with the others here, didn't read much wrong into the OP's wife behavior...

 

Have you ever considered questioning your own thoughts patterns? Did you have this kind of feelings of jealousy with other women before?

 

Going to counseling would be a great first step to regain your trust (in yourself and in your marriage).

[vivrantflo]

Just because his wife isn't encouraging an affair, doesnt mean that her actions towards her husband are not disrespectful. If her flirting with the doctor is upsetting him, then she should stop. It doesnt matter if the OP is in the room or not.. the bottom line is.. her actions are bothering him. At least he's brought it to her attention, instead of keeping it to himself.. Guys have a sixth sense about other guys making moves or passes on their women.. women usually "don't pick up on it" or they turn a blind eye to it knowing full well they are being flirted with.

 

It's funny how all the posters that are defending his wife's actions are all female.... and vice versa...

[somequestionsplz]

I have been browsing these boards (and others) for the past few days, and I am very surprised.... I have seen threads by women who tear their husbands apart for flirting with other women, etc. I don't get it.. here I am voicing a legitmate concern, and the females on this board are claiming its justifiable. "Oh, it's friendly talk" and "It's your imagination" but notice how their tone changes when the shoe is on the other foot. There is no forgiveness if a man does it, and notice how they don't chime in with "It's friendly talk" when a fellow sister comes here screaming about the same thing. Browse the boards you hypocrites... you're starting to sound like my wife. I don't flirt with the opposite sex while we've been together; never have, never will. One woman tried to flirt with me once while my wife and I were shopping at a local market, and my wife went bonkers.... so don't tell me that I'm immature or insecure.

 

 

It's not all in my head.... and Teddy hit it right on the head: I get to see her psycho side, droppy, backward self no matter how hard I try to show her how much I love her, and here she is getting it off with strangers thinking its 'ok'. Maybe some of you slither on your bellies, but I don't.

 

As for what's her name and her ex husband: Please, come off your pedastool.. and take a class in maritial respect and honesty. The standard for marriage has dropped, and notice how the people who are against this thread have their own confessions on being unfaithful, etc. So Please... take it eslewhere.

[somequestionsplz]

By putting off vibes I mean being receptive to the flirting. Just because some guys start chatting you up in a game shop doesn't mean you have to respond.

 

And to the other poster, I have been through clinical depression, and throwing fits would be an example of trying to manipulate and get your husband's attention, not really depression.

Unless the therapist is mentally retarded or deaf, he shouldn't need to ask the same questions about her work schedule and breaks over and over in order to remember them, each time she goes for therapy, and totally ignore her husband's valid questions about her therapy.

 

Bingo! Someone is actually using some common sense while posting....

[somequestionsplz]

So...asking the same questions over and over about her work schedule and breaks, at each physical therapy session, is normal behavior?

God forbid the husband asks about the actual therapy procedure and how it's going and he gets ignored by the therapist?

It's kind of sad to me that people these days are finding such behavior of their spouse acceptable. The standards of marriage are lowering.

 

Another good post.... exactly. I guess I should keep my mouth shut and pretend nothing is going on. Let the doctor ignore me like a fly on the wall while he and my wife hit it off in front of me.... Sorry, but I respect myself too much for that.

[Teddy and Jane]

Just because his wife isn't encouraging an affair, doesnt mean that her actions towards her husband are not disrespectful. If her flirting with the doctor is upsetting him, then she should stop. It doesnt matter if the OP is in the room or not.. the bottom line is.. her actions are bothering him. At least he's brought it to her attention, instead of keeping it to himself.. Guys have a sixth sense about other guys making moves or passes on their women.. women usually "don't pick up on it" or they turn a blind eye to it knowing full well they are being flirted with.

 

It's funny how all the posters that are defending his wife's actions are all female.... and vice versa...

I am female and I completely support the guy here.

[somequestionsplz]

I just want to add one thing about the game store incident: I didn't say anything when it happened inside the store. I kept quiet, we bought our games, and went back to the car. Do you know what my wife said to me when we were in the car? She looked at me and said, "I'm surprised you didn't say anything when we were in the store...".

 

Oh yeah, it's all in my head...

[JaneInVegas]

DISCLAIMER: I have not thoroughly read all the posts for this thread, I just skimmed most of them, so please don't flame me for any missing pertinent information!

 

Sorry for that, been severely flamed in the past for walking into the middle of a huge debate. Anyway, I'm kinda/sorta in the middle of this one, leaning towards the wife of the original poster. In my lifetime I have observed that many serious, stable relationships consist of 2 people who have completely different point of views on what is considered "flirting". I am a female who believes verbal bantering between two people of the opposite sex in front of a spouse is not flirting whatsoever. My frank opinion is ... if they were trying to flirt with each other, why would they do it in your earshot?? Wouldn't they both be too uncomfortable to even attempt it? In my opinion, the guy is lousey at conversation and doesn't have any better topics to come up with.

 

However, having said that ... if you have a really good relatationship with your wife, you should be completely able to go to her and say, "Honey, this guy makes me uncomfortable. Please start seeing someone else." If you do this sweetly and respectfully with zero attitude, she should immediately agree and all is well.

 

As for her depression, if she is not back to her normal self from pre-diagnosis, you should also encourage her to switch meds. She may not see that she isn't 100% yet, and your feedback would be invaluable.

 

Good luck, I hope all works out well for you.

[somequestionsplz]

DISCLAIMER: I have not thoroughly read all the posts for this thread, I just skimmed most of them, so please don't flame me for any missing pertinent information!

 

Sorry for that, been severely flamed in the past for walking into the middle of a huge debate. Anyway, I'm kinda/sorta in the middle of this one, leaning towards the wife of the original poster. In my lifetime I have observed that many serious, stable relationships consist of 2 people who have completely different point of views on what is considered "flirting". I am a female who believes verbal bantering between two people of the opposite sex in front of a spouse is not flirting whatsoever. My frank opinion is ... if they were trying to flirt with each other, why would they do it in your earshot?? Wouldn't they both be too uncomfortable to even attempt it? In my opinion, the guy is lousey at conversation and doesn't have any better topics to come up with.

 

However, having said that ... if you have a really good relatationship with your wife, you should be completely able to go to her and say, "Honey, this guy makes me uncomfortable. Please start seeing someone else." If you do this sweetly and respectfully with zero attitude, she should immediately agree and all is well.

 

As for her depression, if she is not back to her normal self from pre-diagnosis, you should also encourage her to switch meds. She may not see that she isn't 100% yet, and your feedback would be invaluable.

 

Good luck, I hope all works out well for you.

 

Hello Jane,

 

 

I really like your avatar and I really like your post... very objective and honest.

 

Something happened to my wife and I yesterday... she sat me down and told me that I was right about the PT incident and she apologized for everything. She told me how much she loved me and that she wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. She explained how her depression has been making her feel very 'spacy' and awkward, and she didn't realize that she was egging this guy on. She had her PT trainer changed yesterday; apparently she's been doing a lot of thinking, and realized this guy was doing wrong by us both -- by ignoring me completely when I would ask questions about the therapy, and how he was getting too personal with her and asking the same questions over and over again.

 

My wife also said that the trainer seems to be an ego-maniac that was trying to stroke his own ego... basically he was getting off with me in the room, finding it exciting that he was trying to screw around with her with me in the room.

 

She came to this decision on her own.. and it bowled me over when she brought it up. We haven't talked about the PT incident in days so imagine my surprise...

 

She also apologized for playing head games in the past.. she finally admitted to screwing around / flirting with other guys while we've been together in public, validating my initial rant on this board.