ratingsguy Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Hi everyone, Well May is finally here. If you're not familiar with my story, here's the Cliff Notes version. I'm a 31 year old single man, who met a wealthy 46 year old MW over a year ago and became friendly with her. We started an A a couple months later. Our emotional attachment grew and in October of last year we fell for each other. She was in a loveless marriage for 21 years and had never strayed until she met me (supposedly, but I believe her). She got separated on Jan. 1 (not because of me... this had been brewing for a while). Shortly thereafter she started to pull away on the advice of her therapist. I saw her last in February and we decided to go into NC for 3 months and regroup in May. My thinking was that I want to be in a R with her, but she wanted to have the experience of being single for a while... because if we had gotten together too soon, she would regret not taking the opportunity to experience single life and to date after 21 years of marriage (and I'm sure she's dating), and thus end up resenting me. While it was painful, I understood completely. During the past three months, NC wasn't broken by either of us. This past Sunday, I sent her a very brief e-mail saying that I hope she was doing well and that I wanted to see her again. She mentioned that she was surprised how fast the 3 months went by (while they drug on for me... at least initially anyway). She also asked me if I was "sure that I wanted to see her again" which I thought was a weird thing for her to say. She also said that we have to go slow, which I expected. I guess she thinks that when I said I wanted to see her that I meant from now on. I was actually just talking about sitting down with her to talk about where we are and where we stand... but I didn't clarify that with her. She told me that next Tuesday night might work and that she'd let me know for sure before the end of the week (she has her kids - 16 and 18, 3 nights a week). So tentatively, that's what's going on right now. The plan is to bring some flowers and wear that one shirt of mine that she loves. But more importantly, I'm going to be blunt and ask her where we stand. This is something I feel I need to do in person. I'm going to tell her that my feelings for her are just as strong as they were three months ago, and that I'm still wanting to be in a R with her. Then I'm going to ask her what she needs from me, which will probably be more time. If she says that, I'm going to suggest that we go back into NC for another 3 months. On top of that, I'm going to ask her to be brutally honest with me. I'm going to ask her to tell me if I'm wasting my time pursing her... and politely demand an honest answer. If she says I am wasting my time and there is no hope for a future with us, I will cut all ties, walk away, and not invest any more energy in this. After 3 months of NC, I think I'm in a better emotional state to handle a flat out rejection if it comes to that, but I don't think it will. She's newly separated, and does need time. So we'll see how it goes. Any thoughts or advice?
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 My advice? Don't sell yourself short. You know what you want in life, and you absolutely shouldn't settle for less than that. If she gives you anything other than "I'm yours, and I'm ready for a committed relationship with you" then you should thank her for her time, wish her well, and cut her out of your life forever.
Woggle Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 My advice is expect the worst. If you get your hopes up you will get your heart broken.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I agree with woggle she cheated with you, what makes you think she wont cheat on you. And that is a load of crap that you werent a problem with them splitting! you were the catalyst, your involvement put the things in order for it to happen. Can you live with the fact that you broke up a marriage? Your 31 years old!!! she's almost 50??? What the hell are you thinking. If it was such a lifeless and sexless marriage why she stay for so long? You just put mad justifications out there making it seem okay to mess with a married woman, nice. Adultery is cool... Cheating is great... Whatever happens if your with her, or dont be prepared to accept the consequences. Whatever they may be. I wish you well.
oyster Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 And that is a load of crap that you werent a problem with them splitting! you were the catalyst, your involvement put the things in order for it to happen. Can you live with the fact that you broke up a marriage? yes I agree on the catalyst but marriage was way broken before they get involve. Ratinguy did not break up the marriage, he only made the physical and legal seperation possible. Emotional break occured long time ago. Your 31 years old!!! she's almost 50??? What the hell are you thinking. If it was such a lifeless and sexless marriage why she stay for so long? You just put mad justifications out there making it seem okay to mess with a married woman, nice. Adultery is cool... Cheating is great... I think MW/MM feed the OM/OW a load of crap on how crappy their parter and marriage was. I agree, if it was lifeless and sexless, they would not stay that long. Ratinguy, take it one day at a time. Let her convince you that she wants a future with you. Daily adventure approach is less painful than thinking foreseeing the future and unfilled expectation.
Jinxx Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Don't torture yourself with another three months of NC. Get your answer now. If she wants to be with you and make it work then she will. You deserve better then to have this drag out another three months of painful waiting on your part. Good luck to you.
Lizzie60 Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I wouldn't wait another 3 months... she already knows what she wants... don't worry and sorry for being blunt but I doubt you're in her plans...otherwise she would have contacted you or accepted your invitation. Sorry but it's time to move on. I am older than most of my lovers/dates (still am)...and eventhough the sex and everything was amazing... I wanted my freedom especially after so many years of boredom. I was in a very similar situation as she is/was, loveless relationship (common-law) for 18 years, kids, work, etc... younger lover...
Author ratingsguy Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 Don't torture yourself with another three months of NC. Get your answer now. If she wants to be with you and make it work then she will. You deserve better then to have this drag out another three months of painful waiting on your part. Good luck to you. But that's the thing. The last three months haven't been torture. Well, the first one was, but after that, I sort of moved on. The feelings are still there, but they've moved into another part of my brain... where I'm not constantly reminded of them. Although, I am now, now that we're getting together next week. But if we go back into NC, I'm sure a couple of weeks into it I'll be feeling fine again... hopefully. I think we both win doing it this way. She gets the time and space that she needs, and through NC I don't obsess over it. She had thought that she would need about a year to be free of any relationship and just be single. I'm willing to do that, but a year is all I'm willing to give her. One thing I didn't mention is that I have been dating... so who knows what could happen on my end?
Author ratingsguy Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 she already knows what she wants... Possibly. And if that's the case, she's going to face me and tell me that when I ask her point blank.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 RG, I agree that another 3 month of NC will do you no good at all. It also gives her an easy out as to not be the bad guy, and I'm sure she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. I would tell her that you are interested in "dating" her, if she is not then end it. Tell her that you have been going out with women whose company you enjoy, nothing serious, and that you would enjoy going out with her from time to time. RG, she knows you, the two of you have had an intimate R. If in three months of NC she doesn't know whether she wants you in her life then the answer is that she probably doesn't. The dating scene is ugly for women in their 40's. Most single men that age only want to play the field. Another 3 months of NC is only going to prolong your misery and keep you from moving on with your life. Keep us updated.
Jinxx Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 But that's the thing. The last three months haven't been torture. Well, the first one was, but after that, I sort of moved on. The feelings are still there, but they've moved into another part of my brain... where I'm not constantly reminded of them. Although, I am now, now that we're getting together next week. But if we go back into NC, I'm sure a couple of weeks into it I'll be feeling fine again... hopefully. I think we both win doing it this way. She gets the time and space that she needs, and through NC I don't obsess over it. She had thought that she would need about a year to be free of any relationship and just be single. I'm willing to do that, but a year is all I'm willing to give her. One thing I didn't mention is that I have been dating... so who knows what could happen on my end? Well as long as you can continue to move forward without the pain and hurt then that is good sign on your part. I sincerely hope it goes well for you when get together next week. The positive thing in your favor is that she willing to keep the lines of communcation open. One year is a good time frame on her part (and yours) if you are so willing to give that to her. A good thing that you are dating. You certainly have the right attitude.
whichwayisup Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 She mentioned that she was surprised how fast the 3 months went by (while they drug on for me... at least initially anyway). She also asked me if I was "sure that I wanted to see her again" which I thought was a weird thing for her to say. Yes, that was an odd thing for her to say! I mean the whole point of doing the NC was for HER to get her head on straight, figure out what she wants. It's like she forgot all about you, just continued to live her life...The comment about her saying that time went by quickly (I think anyway) was inconsiderate of your feelings. To me that screams out she was happy and busy. Meanwhile the past 3 months for you have not been that at all. She also said that we have to go slow, which I expected. I guess she thinks that when I said I wanted to see her that I meant from now on. I was actually just talking about sitting down with her to talk about where we are and where we stand... but I didn't clarify that with her. She told me that next Tuesday night might work and that she'd let me know for sure before the end of the week (she has her kids - 16 and 18, 3 nights a week). So tentatively, that's what's going on right now. The feeling I get from this is, if you push her at all she is going to tell you she's not ready to settle down, she's enjoying her freedom and not wanting to commit to you or anybody else right now. Good luck though. I do agree with Woggle, hope for the best, expect the worst. Shield your heart abit too.
scaredinlove Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Yes, that was an odd thing for her to say! I mean the whole point of doing the NC was for HER to get her head on straight, figure out what she wants. It's like she forgot all about you, just continued to live her life...The comment about her saying that time went by quickly (I think anyway) was inconsiderate of your feelings. To me that screams out she was happy and busy. Meanwhile the past 3 months for you have not been that at all. The feeling I get from this is, if you push her at all she is going to tell you she's not ready to settle down, she's enjoying her freedom and not wanting to commit to you or anybody else right now. Good luck though. I do agree with Woggle, hope for the best, expect the worst. Shield your heart abit too. Yeah I thought she saying that 3 months went quickly sounded crazy. Now she is single ,technically, so if she likes you I don't see way she would want another three months. Maybe she dosen't want to jump in another relationship too quickly. In that case tell her you will go your on way and if one day she feels she wants to see you and you are still available than you guys can start all over. Like you said ,you were ok with the NC, so maybe you are not that much into her anyway. Good luck!!!!!!
dignityback Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I am really sorry to say this but when she told you that she was surprised that you wanted to see her, the big red flag came up. IMO this means that she assumed the relationship was over and wonders why you would want to meet with her. That is the logical expalnation. Why do you need telling (again) that she isn't interested. Her surprise is because she knows she hurt you when you split and wonders why you would want to put yourself through that again. If you roll up and start asking where you stand--well the answer is obvious to her. I would be saying something different if she had made contact with you OR if she started driving round your neighborhood or hanging out at places you go to. Read the post by another Guest I think, whose xmm is visiting the library at times he knows she will be there and she manages to wak away (so far) without making contact. Now that xmm is clearly trying to rekindle things because he is seeking out the OW albeit he is too spineless to pick up the phone! I definitely think you should be prepared for the worst but I hope I am wrong because you clearly love her very much.
Lizzie60 Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Possibly. And if that's the case, she's going to face me and tell me that when I ask her point blank. She might tell you or she might say something like she already said that she needed a year... just to keep her options opened... but after a year, she won't be back... trust me on that one.
whichwayisup Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 I doubt very much RG will wait a full year for her. I think it's now or never. Even waiting another 3 months is crazy.
Can'tGiveUp Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 On a totally superficial note, wear a new shirt that she has never seen before. If you wear one of her favorites it might look...well...kinda like you haven't been doing anything but pining for her for 3 months. Be positive about yourself and the last three months if she asks how and what you have been doing. "A bit of this and that...going here or there..." A person with a full life is always more attractive. Good luck!
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