BW hate sex but MOW love sex?

[Remy]

I have been lurking for a while and have found the discussions fascinating. There is something that I find puzzling and would love people here to give me some insight. Now I am going to speak in generalities and I realize that will not be an accurate reflection of many relationships. But if you could humor me and post your opinions I would be grateful.

 

My confusion starts with the idea that BW don't like sex - or this is what is told to OW by MM. In other words MM's sexual needs are not being met. He meets OW and she provides the sexual, and often the emotional, support that MM is missing at home. This seems to me to be a fairly typical reason for an EMA to start. My confusion is when MOW talk about the lack of emotional support they get from their BH and that they often aren't having sex with them, or if they are, they don't enjoy it.

 

So my conclusion has been that these women (both BS and OW) are basically the same - they aren't happy having sex with their husbands. One stays faithful and her husband looks for something outside and the other also looks outside and maybe her husband stays faithful or maybe he also looks outside.

 

Is this what happens or am I reading it wrong? If I am right then it seems that BS and OW should be sympathetic to each other rather than being angry. I am not sure if this would still apply with BH and MOM.

[LucreziaBorgia]

If I am right then it seems that BS and OW should be sympathetic to each other rather than being angry. I am not sure if this would still apply with BH and MOM.

 

I'm not sure I follow. Are you saying that BS should be thankful that an OW/OM has come along and taken over the sex part since they don't like having sex anymore?

[scaredinlove]

I have been lurking for a while and have found the discussions fascinating. There is something that I find puzzling and would love people here to give me some insight. Now I am going to speak in generalities and I realize that will not be an accurate reflection of many relationships. But if you could humor me and post your opinions I would be grateful.

 

My confusion starts with the idea that BW don't like sex - or this is what is told to OW by MM. In other words MM's sexual needs are not being met. He meets OW and she provides the sexual, and often the emotional, support that MM is missing at home. This seems to me to be a fairly typical reason for an EMA to start. My confusion is when MOW talk about the lack of emotional support they get from their BH and that they often aren't having sex with them, or if they are, they don't enjoy it.

 

So my conclusion has been that these women (both BS and OW) are basically the same - they aren't happy having sex with their husbands. One stays faithful and her husband looks for something outside and the other also looks outside and maybe her husband stays faithful or maybe he also looks outside.

 

Is this what happens or am I reading it wrong? If I am right then it seems that BS and OW should be sympathetic to each other rather than being angry. I am not sure if this would still apply with BH and MOM.

 

I am not sure if I understood your posting....What was the question?

[PoshPrincess]

I can't say that I agree that a BS should ever feel sorry for the OW. Whether BS wanted sex within her M or not that still doesn't give her H the right to go out looking for it elsewhere. If I was a BS there is NO WAY I would feel any sympathy towards the OW, unless maybe she had been conned too (as in not known he was married!) I, as an exOW, sympathise with my exMMs BS as I don't think it was sex he was looking for. He certainly didn't get it from me (his choice more than mine!) and although I never asked I would imagine he was getting SOME at home, even if it was the routine 'once a month' thing. This is just my personal point of view as I know that if I were in her shoes I would find it harder to accept emotional cheating than physical cheating. Saying that, she doesn't know he was in love with me (if he ever really was) or the intensity of our R and I suppose ignorance is bliss.

 

I definitely agree though from what I've heard that sometimes the BS is happy that her husbands needs are being fulfilled elsewhere (if those needs are physical). Some women want to stay with their husbands for, say, financial reasons, but aren't bothered by having a physical R with them. Also there are some BSs who may be getting their physical needs met elsewhere too.

[Remy]

Sorry for the confusion in my original post. I am struggling to understand the psychology of thinking in affairs.

 

What I was trying to say was that OW seem to say that if their MM was getting sex at home they wouldn't look outside their marriage for sex. I have read them saying that their MM says their BW hate sex.

 

The OW provide sex and sometimes give details about how great their sex life with MM is. Therefore the assumption seems that that MM is a great lover and any problems in the sex life in their marriage is the BW fault.

 

There seems to be quite a number of these sex hating BWs. On the other hand OW all seem to love sex and be very sexual with their MM.

 

My confusion is with the MOW who talk about their own relationship with their husbands. Where there is no passion and they don't enjoy having sex with them. Where their husbands are not meeting their needs. Why don't they then assume that their MM's BWs are suffering from the same thing happening to them in their home. That maybe the MM is not meeting the BW needs rather than the other way around.

 

Of course maybe the MM is getting sex at home and is only saying he isn't so he can get some extra sex on the side. I don't know.

 

My confusion is this idea that most BW don't like sex and most OW love it. Surely it depends on how the person you are having sex with treats you and how you feel about each other. Is this a fair assumption?

 

Also I wasn't really expecting BW to have sympathy for OW - maybe just a level of understanding that this is probably a woman who isn't getting any affection or emotional support at home either. But I sort of expected more sympathy from MOW to BW to recognize that maybe BW isn't a sex hater but maybe also not getting that love at home.

 

That is why I titled my post the way I did.

[will2power]

Sorry for the confusion in my original post. I am struggling to understand the psychology of thinking in affairs.

 

What I was trying to say was that OW seem to say that if their MM was getting sex at home they wouldn't look outside their marriage for sex. I have read them saying that their MM says their BW hate sex.

 

The OW provide sex and sometimes give details about how great their sex life with MM is. Therefore the assumption seems that that MM is a great lover and any problems in the sex life in their marriage is the BW fault.

 

There seems to be quite a number of these sex hating BWs. On the other hand OW all seem to love sex and be very sexual with their MM.

 

My confusion is with the MOW who talk about their own relationship with their husbands. Where there is no passion and they don't enjoy having sex with them. Where their husbands are not meeting their needs. Why don't they then assume that their MM's BWs are suffering from the same thing happening to them in their home. That maybe the MM is meeting the BW needs rather than the other way around.

 

Of course maybe the MM is getting sex at home and is only saying he isn't so he can get some extra sex on the side. I don't know.

 

My confusion is this idea that most BW don't like sex and most OW love it. Surely it depends on how the person you are having sex with treats you and how you feel about each other. Is this a fair assumption?

 

Also I wasn't really expecting BW to have sympathy for OW - maybe just a level of understanding that this is probably a woman who isn't getting any affection or emotional support at home either. But I sort of expected more sympathy from MOW to BW to recognize that maybe BW isn't a sex hater but maybe also not getting that love at home.

 

That is why I titled my post the way I did.

I don't think that my smm and his wife didn't have sex or that his stbxw hates sex. I think that the issue was not having emotional inimacy.

 

I think that is why some of the hardest affairs to get around or over is because the emotional bond was so strong. Some people call it an addiction, but its really a bond that was built between two people.

 

The problem with generalization for anything concerned is that it really minimalizes some legitimate relationships that isn't about one person just having lots of sex with another, but there is something that is shared by two people that isn't available at home. There are lots of those relationships and there are OWs out there who are happy.

 

I personally know a MM who is with an OM and the OM hangs out with the MM and his family. Its a unique situation where the parties involved decided to live life a particular way. It doesn't make it the right way for everyone but right for them.

 

So do OW like sex more than BS, who freakin' knows.

 

Just had to say somethin' bout the generalization bit though.

[Lizzie60]

from my experience there are more husbands that say they are not satisfied at home... I think it's true. On the other hand, I see many guys who are satisfied with the sex at home but they just want something a little more kinky, something they know their wife would not even discuss (ex. light bonding, etc)

 

As far as MOW (I suppose that is married other woman)... well she might not be satisfied at home, she might be bored with her husband.

 

There are so many reasons why people cheat.

 

From my experience one husband said he has sex about once or twice a month... he is very frustrated... had many discussions about this but nothing changed. She has her period for about 3 weeks a month.

 

Another one has sex about once a year, when he's lucky... he has 2 teenager daughters and has lots of problem with the youngest so he doesn't want to leave yet.

 

I can go on and on...

 

I have friends who are in their 40s and 50s and been with the same man for a long time... and sex is NOT on their priority list. I can understand that, been there...with my first ex, sex was a 'chore'.

 

Some men would not get sex outside their marriage if they had enough at home...

 

Some men are just lousy lovers, no wonder they either don't get much at home or their wife is cheating.

 

There are lots of reasons for cheating but lack of sex, IMO, would be the #1 reason.

[sadbuttrue]

remy, my MM has sex with his W, he says it isnt as good as what we have, but what else would he say?

 

of course sex with someone new is exciting. i think it would not matter much who it was, when you have been married for many years, and there is someone new you have become sexually involved with, it will seem better than what you have at home because it is new and different.

 

they dont realize that their H/W were also exciting and new at one time.

[herenow]

I know that the only thing my H did with the OW is have sex. The only place they saw each other outside of work was at her apartment. They never had a meal together, never went out in public together. I can tell by the cell phone bills, that all of their "meetings" were around 1 hour. He would call me just before he saw her and again right after he left her. He also shared her voice mail messages and emails with me in an effort to come clean. So, I can say that all he got from her and all she got from him was sex.

 

However, we still had as much sex at home as we ever did. The actual reason for the affair really had nothing to do with sex, it was all about him and what was missing in him. For example: The OW called him all the time and wanted more from him. She wasn't happy that all they did was have sex. He never gave her what she really wanted, but her obsession with him made him feel needed. Being a very self sufficient woman, he didn't feel that I needed him, so he found that in the OW. That is one of the things that I have been working on. I could give you some other examples, but I'm sure you get the point.

 

Fact is, an affair is all about the MM and his inability to deal with the reality of his problems. He finds his fix in an OW. It has nothing to do with his W or the OW. A MM will say whatever he needs to in order to get what he wants. Sex feels good and the excitement of a new partner adds to that exhilaration. It masks the real problems in the MM and the marriage. Until these problems are addressed and fixed, the MM will continue to lie to everyone involved including himself. The sex is just a bandaid.

[hardcase]

I can't say that I agree that a BS should ever feel sorry for the OW. Whether BS wanted sex within her M or not that still doesn't give her H the right to go out looking for it elsewhere. If I was a BS there is NO WAY I would feel any sympathy towards the OW

 

And no way you should feel sorry for the OW(unless like you said, she didn't know about you or something)...cuz the OW sure doesn't give a crap that its your husband she is screwing.

[justice]

I was a betrayed wife, and I was absolutely being starved by my now ex husband of any kind of affection and attention, and I loved to have sex and was very adventurous.

I think he just saw the opportunity to do someone different and see if he could get away with it, he cheated, he got caught and now we are divorced and he is paying for his actions in so many ways.

Me, I'm finally free, still single, not dating but also not so starved these days for the affection and the attention that was denied me, that the ow unrightfully took from me.

[outofdarkness]

I have been lurking for a while and have found the discussions fascinating. There is something that I find puzzling and would love people here to give me some insight. Now I am going to speak in generalities and I realize that will not be an accurate reflection of many relationships. But if you could humor me and post your opinions I would be grateful.

 

My confusion starts with the idea that BW don't like sex - or this is what is told to OW by MM. In other words MM's sexual needs are not being met. He meets OW and she provides the sexual, and often the emotional, support that MM is missing at home. This seems to me to be a fairly typical reason for an EMA to start. My confusion is when MOW talk about the lack of emotional support they get from their BH and that they often aren't having sex with them, or if they are, they don't enjoy it.

 

So my conclusion has been that these women (both BS and OW) are basically the same - they aren't happy having sex with their husbands. One stays faithful and her husband looks for something outside and the other also looks outside and maybe her husband stays faithful or maybe he also looks outside.

 

Is this what happens or am I reading it wrong? If I am right then it seems that BS and OW should be sympathetic to each other rather than being angry. I am not sure if this would still apply with BH and MOM.

ummm. I just don't think it's that simple..Sex may be part of the equation some of the time, but not all of the equation all of the time...People have A's for different reasons..Sometimes, the H is perfectly happy in the M AND their sex life...It just depends..Now...it's a WHOLE different story IMO when you start to analyze what the OW and BS are told by the MM..Lies, mostly to keep each on the hook..and happy.

[woe_is_me]

Difficult questions Remy.. what i feel you're getting at is simply 'desire discrepancy'

 

I was betrayed 10 years ago by my H of only four years. Sure he wanted sex more often than i did. It started to feel like a chore for me. I didn't starve him unless once or twice a month was starving him. We did have very small children. So he had a one night stand. We subsequently divorced. He is sorry to this day.

 

My very good friend of 20 years has the opposite problem. In her relationships shes the one who wants the sex all the time and the men are the ones pulling away. Again..desire discrepancy. I've never been much help for her there as i've really never been in that situation. I think she craves sex and affection due to how her childhood was)..i agree with with the poster who said we are all products of our environment).

 

I'm in this site as an xOW though. I did know for a fact that mm hadn't had sex for 10 months (is that starving someone?) And i really feel that what he was seeking from me was exactly what he just wished his wife would/could still give him...Again..desire discrepancy.

I think she's had trouble with her WH prior to me.. he apparently got too friendly with some neighbour.. and if his W wasn't giving him sex .. i really woudln't blame her it's hard to be intimate with somebody that you really don't trust.

 

I, however, could never be married and try to lie and cheat behind my H's back.. i can't see the point. So i don't know why you think MOW and BWs would have any sympathy for each other that was any more possible than sympathy between a BW and single OW.

 

Reasons for cheating are many and varied. There are a couple of BWs who post here that i'm actually quite fond of and can totally relate to. I don't know if thats due to being a BW once myself (felt like having the rug pulled out from under my feet - that's all i remember) so i wouldn't call it sympathy maybe just a sense of empathy.

[mopar crazy]

My WH had an A four years ago, we were M 11 years. Sex was great, awesome, best lover we both ever had. BUT after our children were born and he wanted to go out drinking almost every night while I stayed home and took care of bills, the house, raising our children, I got to the point where I didn't want to have sex w/ him anymore b/c I was so damn tired b/c I had no help from him. I didn't feel attractive as I had gained 30lbs, so I didn't feel like sex. But that didn't stop him from wanting it all the time. I didn't shut him off completely, we still had sex several times a month, but he wanted it at least every other day.

 

I don't think sex was the main reason why he had an A. He says it was b/c she paid attention to him. Her face lit up when he walked into the room and she always had a big "hello" for him. He loved the attention she gave him.

She was after him for 3 years. Even had the nerve to ask him if he ever thought about having an A w/ a co-worker. She would ask him personal ? about sex b/c her sex life w/ her own H wasn't up to par for her.

 

I suppose every A has a reason why it happened. Either the sex wasn't what the spouse wanted, there was abuse, whatever. It's not all about the sex w/ the BS and that is why the A took place.