ex's graduation party

[ShoeGirl]

My ex sent me an email today inviting me to his graduation party that is this weekend, and I don't know if I should go.

 

Here is the dilemma:

-We broke up last fall because he is gay (news to everyone) and has a boyfriend. I know about his boyfriend and he knows about me but we have never met face to face. I don't know if his boyfriend will be there because my ex hasn't come out to his parents yet, but I don't know how I will react if I were to meet him.

 

-I have moved on, and from what I have heard he still thinks that we will get married someday (still haven't figured that out).

 

-He lives with one of my best friends and her husband in their house, when I go over to see her and he happens to be home he acts really strange, no one can figure out why he does that. so I don't know how he will act toward me if I go, even though he invited me

 

-His mom has always called me the daughter she never had, and she still does, I still talk to her on occasion, he doesn't know that I do. She may have told him to invite me, and he listens to everything she says.

 

-I really want to see his whole family again because they were more of a family to me than my own for 3 years and I miss all of them. If I don't see them now I might not get another chance for a long time.

 

-I don't think that he will ever be completely out of my life because I am close to his mom and his aunt (I was basically her live in nanny for 2 summers), and his roommate who he has been friends with for 10+ years, is one of my best friends.

 

-I want to go and be supportive of him, he had a hard time getting through college and I am glad that he made it.

 

I am torn, there are good and bad for both options, I have been thinking this over all day and I can't make up my mind so please tell me your opinions. Thanks!

[pelagicsands]

-I want to go and be supportive of him, he had a hard time getting through college and I am glad that he made it.

So send him a note. That's more than enough.

 

He is not a priority in your life anymore. That's the honest truth.

[Pyro]

IF you are truly over him and seeing him with a new mate will not bother you in the least bit, then go if you want to.

[quankanne]

I want to go and be supportive of him, he had a hard time getting through college and I am glad that he made it.

 

that's the best reason of all to celebrate with him, IMO, and this invitation could be his way of holding out an olive branch to you.

[LoveLace]

I want to go and be supportive of him, he had a hard time getting through college and I am glad that he made it.

 

that's the best reason of all to celebrate with him, IMO, and this invitation could be his way of holding out an olive branch to you.

 

I agree. If anything, he could really use your support for more than graduating. It must be difficult for him to hide a big secret from his family. Maybe if you can offer yourself to be there if he needs you, if you play a small part in helping him get through this, perhaps it'll help to get over him and accept him as a life-long friend. I don't blame you for the desire to see his family if you were close to them. Cuz depending on what happens to your relationship with him, you may never see them again, but who knows. Maybe he acts "strange" simply because he still cares about you a lot, maybe even wishes he were straight so that you could be together. Maybe he's just sensitive to what you think of him now after everything thats happened. Since coming out, how open has he been about being gay, other than bringing his boyfriend around? Does he seem proud, ashamed, what? You are his ex girlfriend, so seeing them can be awkward, gay or not. Part of him might even be wondering if you've found someone else. And he might even still get jealous (of you, not the guy...just kidding but you never know)..

 

it sounds like you want to go more than not, so I say go, enjoy yourself, and be prepared for possibly seeing his new boyfriend. If your introduced, just shake his hand and say nice to meet him, smile, but no need to go further if you don't feel like it. Tell your Ex congratulations and you are proud of him. If it appears that he wants chat more, ask how he he's been doing otherwise, and if the conversation goes there, tell him to call you anytime he needs a friend. That is, if you are ok with it...I'm just saying it might help you both to accept the way things are. Good luck!

[dropdeadlegs]

My ex sent me an email today inviting me to his graduation party that is this weekend, and I don't know if I should go.

 

Here is the dilemma:

-We broke up last fall because he is gay (news to everyone) and has a boyfriend. I know about his boyfriend and he knows about me but we have never met face to face. I don't know if his boyfriend will be there because my ex hasn't come out to his parents yet, but I don't know how I will react if I were to meet him.

 

-I have moved on, and from what I have heard he still thinks that we will get married someday (still haven't figured that out).

 

-He lives with one of my best friends and her husband in their house, when I go over to see her and he happens to be home he acts really strange, no one can figure out why he does that. so I don't know how he will act toward me if I go, even though he invited me

 

-His mom has always called me the daughter she never had, and she still does, I still talk to her on occasion, he doesn't know that I do. She may have told him to invite me, and he listens to everything she says.

 

-I really want to see his whole family again because they were more of a family to me than my own for 3 years and I miss all of them. If I don't see them now I might not get another chance for a long time.

 

-I don't think that he will ever be completely out of my life because I am close to his mom and his aunt (I was basically her live in nanny for 2 summers), and his roommate who he has been friends with for 10+ years, is one of my best friends.

 

-I want to go and be supportive of him, he had a hard time getting through college and I am glad that he made it.

 

I am torn, there are good and bad for both options, I have been thinking this over all day and I can't make up my mind so please tell me your opinions. Thanks!

This is a really tough call. I won't ask you to do something you are not comfortable with.

 

I imagine that hearing that your ex is gay was shocking to you. If he hasn't told his family you would be required to hold back info that you know. If he has come out to them I would feel differently, but I will not ask you to pretend for the sake of pretenses or to spare feelings.

 

Only you know how hard your attendance would be on you. If you can handle it, then by all means go for your own pleasure. If it will cause you pain and secretiveness, don't attend.

 

As it is graduation time, you can always come up with a familial excuse, even if it's fabricated.

[ShoeGirl]

IF you are truly over him and seeing him with a new mate will not bother you in the least bit, then go if you want to.

 

I am over him, I have no feeling for him, except for as friends. If he were with another girl I wouldn't have a problem with it. I am not entirely comfortable being around him and his boyfriend because it makes me sick thinking about what he was doing behind my back the entire time we were dating, it doesn't have anything to do with his boyfriend in particular.

[Pyro]

I am over him, I have no feeling for him, except for as friends. If he were with another girl I wouldn't have a problem with it. I am not entirely comfortable being around him and his boyfriend because it makes me sick thinking about what he was doing behind my back the entire time we were dating, it doesn't have anything to do with his boyfriend in particular.

 

Well do you think that you can push the uneasyness of seeing him with another guy aside for a short time? If you can, then it couldn't hurt to stop by for a bit, but don't ever do anything that will make you uncomfortable.

[ShoeGirl]

I agree. If anything, he could really use your support for more than graduating. It must be difficult for him to hide a big secret from his family. Maybe if you can offer yourself to be there if he needs you, if you play a small part in helping him get through this, perhaps it'll help to get over him and accept him as a life-long friend.

When we broke up I told him that I want him to figure out what he wants and if he needed someone to talk to he could call me. He hasn't called me to talk but only to try and make me jealous by rubbing things in my face (such as his new relationship), I chose to take the high road and not tell him about my new relationship knowing full well that it would kill him to find out that I had someone new. I am willing to be his friend whenever he decides to get over his trying to make me jealous.

 

I don't blame you for the desire to see his family if you were close to them. Cuz depending on what happens to your relationship with him, you may never see them again, but who knows.

I am afraid that I will never see them again, they have done more for me in the last few years than they will ever know.

 

Maybe he acts "strange" simply because he still cares about you a lot, maybe even wishes he were straight so that you could be together. Maybe he's just sensitive to what you think of him now after everything thats happened.

He does still care about me, in fact he says he is still in love with me and (in his words) when he is done messing around with guys he wants to get back together and get married like we had been planning before I found out everything. Apparently he is under the impression that being gay is a phase...

 

Since coming out, how open has he been about being gay, other than bringing his boyfriend around? Does he seem proud, ashamed, what? You are his ex girlfriend, so seeing them can be awkward, gay or not. Part of him might even be wondering if you've found someone else. And he might even still get jealous (of you, not the guy...just kidding but you never know)..

He is not open at all about being gay, there are only a handful of people who know, and only a few of those know that he has a boyfriend. He just says that his bf is a friend from school when talking about him. I had another boyfriend for a while after we broke up, he didn't know because I didn't want to hurt him and I knew that it would. His roommate (by friend) knew, so one night he was going off about how I would be there when he decided he wanted to get married, so she told him that I was seeing someone and that I was happy for the first time in a long time. My ex got mad and got insanely jealous, hasn't spoken to me since... until now.

 

it sounds like you want to go more than not, so I say go, enjoy yourself, and be prepared for possibly seeing his new boyfriend. If your introduced, just shake his hand and say nice to meet him, smile, but no need to go further if you don't feel like it. Tell your Ex congratulations and you are proud of him. If it appears that he wants chat more, ask how he he's been doing otherwise, and if the conversation goes there, tell him to call you anytime he needs a friend. That is, if you are ok with it...I'm just saying it might help you both to accept the way things are. Good luck!

Thanks for the advice! I am trying to prepare myself for the possibility of meeting his boyfriend and I just don't know how I will react when it actually happens, I know that he knows all about me and that he is a really nice guy, I am afraid that I am going to feel sick and have to leave. I have no problem seeing or talking to my ex at all.

[alphamale]

your relationship with him is over which also means that your relationships with all his family should be over also. Don't contact his mom or aunt anymore. And don't go to the graduation. You need to move on with your life and put all these people behind you.

 

And if and when his mom finds out he's gay and that you didn't tell her then she'll be pissed as hell

[ShoeGirl]

This is a really tough call. I won't ask you to do something you are not comfortable with.

 

I imagine that hearing that your ex is gay was shocking to you. If he hasn't told his family you would be required to hold back info that you know. If he has come out to them I would feel differently, but I will not ask you to pretend for the sake of pretenses or to spare feelings.

 

Only you know how hard your attendance would be on you. If you can handle it, then by all means go for your own pleasure. If it will cause you pain and secretiveness, don't attend.

 

As it is graduation time, you can always come up with a familial excuse, even if it's fabricated.

 

Hearing he is gay was shocking to me, I have had a while now to get used to the idea so I am not that weirded out by it anymore. I know he hasn't come out to his parents, I have talked to his mom 5-6 times since we broke up and I haven't said anything to her about it, so I am not worried about having to keep that a secret. I think his mom has a pretty good idea what is going on, because she has asked a few questions at times about who he cheated on me with. I haven't confirmed or denied anything, I just change the subject. I'm pretty sure she knows it's not my place to tell her anything.

 

I am still torn on what to do, I guess I have a few days to figure it out.

[alphamale]

I am still torn on what to do, I guess I have a few days to figure it out.

well reverse the situation SG....lets say you were dating dude X and then decided to go lesbian with some blonde hussy with fake boobs. You break up with dude X yet he remains in contact with 2 or 3 of your family members. Your ma doesn't know your lesbian but dude X does. Then your ma says to invite dude X to your gradumatation and your blonde hussy will also be there.

 

Better than Jerry Springer?!

[ShoeGirl]

your relationship with him is over which also means that your relationships with all his family should be over also. Don't contact his mom or aunt anymore. And don't go to the graduation. You need to move on with your life and put all these people behind you.

 

And if and when his mom finds out he's gay and that you didn't tell her then she'll be pissed as hell

 

His family has been more of a family to me than my own has. If it weren't for them I would probably not be graduating from college myself right now. I probably would have stopped going to school 2 years ago to work and deal with everything that was (and still is) going on. They supported me and helped me stay in school when I had no one else. I rarely talk to his mom about him, in fact he hasn't come up at all the last 3 or more times I have talked to her. We talk about school and what is going on in my life.

 

She has no reason to be mad at me for not telling her that he is gay, it is his choice when he wants to tell his parents. I think she would get more mad if I told her and he didn't.

[alphamale]

I rarely talk to his mom about him, in fact he hasn't come up at all the last 3 or more times I have talked to her. We talk about school and what is going on in my life.

look SG if you think his ma doesn't know he's gay then you're kidding youself. she knows but is in denial. you are here last ray of hope that he may be hetero and get married and then give her grandkids someday. i've seen this exact situation a couple times.

 

his mother is using you in this way and you need to break off all contact with his entire family.

 

i mean come on, how could any mother not know her kid is gay?

[dropdeadlegs]

His family has been more of a family to me than my own has. If it weren't for them I would probably not be graduating from college myself right now. I probably would have stopped going to school 2 years ago to work and deal with everything that was (and still is) going on. They supported me and helped me stay in school when I had no one else. I rarely talk to his mom about him, in fact he hasn't come up at all the last 3 or more times I have talked to her. We talk about school and what is going on in my life.

 

She has no reason to be mad at me for not telling her that he is gay, it is his choice when he wants to tell his parents. I think she would get more mad if I told her and he didn't.

I definitely think it is his responsibility to tell his family, NOT yours.

 

As for going or not going, how are YOU feeling?

[ShoeGirl]

look SG if you think his ma doesn't know he's gay then you're kidding youself. she knows but is in denial. you are here last ray of hope that he may be hetero and get married and then give her grandkids someday. i've seen this exact situation a couple times.

 

his mother is using you in this way and you need to break off all contact with his entire family.

 

i mean come on, how could any mother not know her kid is gay?

 

I said earlier that I am pretty sure that she knows, and I agree that a mother would probably know that her son is gay.

 

How is she using me? Using me as hope that he is straight... I doubt it. When we broke up I told her that I would never get back together with him using the reasoning that he cheated on me, she agrees with my thoughts on that because she left her husband of 24 years when she found out he was cheating and won't take him back, so why would I take back a guy I was dating? The way I see it is that she is supporting me, not using me. If she is using me then I don't see it.

[ShoeGirl]

I definitely think it is his responsibility to tell his family, NOT yours.

 

As for going or not going, how are YOU feeling?

 

I am a little nervous just because I haven't seen any of them in a long time, I've talked to a few people but seeing them is different. The last few times I have seen my ex, granted it was a total surprise to him, he has been really awkward around me and I am not sure why. If I go I think that once I am there I will be fine, it will just be the initial seeing everyone and possibly meeting his boyfriend that I am not sure about.

[alphamale]

I am a little nervous just because I haven't seen any of them in a long time, I've talked to a few people but seeing them is different. .

well do whatever you want SG...I don't care. I've already given my advice.

[ruby_gloom]

I would send him a card and perhaps a little gift of sorts in the mail, but I wouldn't go to his party.

 

The way I see it is that I would have no place being there--we are no longer together and we are not even real friends. It doesn't matter who's the one making the formation of a friendship difficult (in your case, it seems that he is). What matters is that you are not really friends as 'normal' friends are. Again, in your case, because he still has some sort of hang-up.

 

Besides, I would be uncomfortable going to a party my exbf invited me to knowing fully well that I possibly got invited only because his mom told him to do so. That would just be too strange for me.

 

I also would stop talking to his family.

 

I remember I used to talk to my exbf's mom every now and then after he and I broke up. I loved his mom. I still do. But I know that he is her son and that no matter how much she might like me, I will never reach more favors with her than he.

 

Plus, imo, I think that when it's over, it's over not just with your SO but also with their family. It's just not the same thing, no matter how much anyone may want to argue that it is.

 

So, I'd send him a congratulations of sort, but I wouldn't go. And I would stop the family contact, too.

[Pyro]

well do whatever you want SG...I don't care. I've already given my advice.

 

Geez, talk about taking it personally when someone doesn't agree with you.....

 

SG, if you can't convince yourself to go, then at least send a card and maybe even a short letter explaining why you couldn't make it, but that is only optional.

[alphamale]

I would send him a card and perhaps a little gift of sorts in the mail, but I wouldn't go to his party.

agreed R_G

 

Plus, imo, I think that when it's over, it's over not just with your SO but also with their family.

agreed again. thats another reason why only like 3 women I've ever dated have met any member of my immediate family.

[ShoeGirl]

Thanks for the advice everyone, I was debating up until the last minute thinking about everything that all of you said and I decided to just stop by and say congrats and drop off my card, if it was awkward I was going to say that I had a long drive and leave and if not I would stay for no more than an hour.

 

The second I walked in the door and everyone was excited to see me. His mom and dad literally ran to give me a hug before anyone else could and both said they were glad to see me. Both caught me when no one else was around and told me how much they miss me being around and that I can call them if I ever need anything (referring to my family situation that they both know about and helped me with many times). I sent them my graduation announcement last week and they said that they would love to come support me, which shocked me I figured they would just send a card since my graduation is 400 miles away.

 

His brother pulled me aside at one point and told me that he knew that I would never get back together with my ex but that from his point of view I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he didn't realize that until it was too late. His brother doesn't know that he is gay, just that he cheated on me and that is why I left. But it was still good to hear especially coming from his younger brother.

 

I stayed for about 45 minutes then said my good byes and left. I had parked about a block away and right as I was getting to my car my ex ran up and said he wanted to tell me something. He said that of everyone that came me showing up meant the most to him, and that I helped him get through school just as much if not more than his parents did. (That right there made showing up at all worth it!) He asked if he could call me just to talk sometime because he misses me as a friend. I told him that he could but he shouldn't if any part of him still wants to be more than friends with me.

 

I am definitely glad that I stopped by, I think I would have regretted it if I hadn't.

[Pyro]

Glad that it all worked out for you. Sounded like you handled things well.