I Pay Rent. He wants friendships to end and childcare.

[businessblonde]

I am 37. Divorced without kids. A man I've dated asked me to live with him in February. He pays $700.00 rent plus utilities. I wanted to contribute to household expenses. He asked me to pay $500.00 plus 25% of groceries. I agreed. But since then he's told me that he doesn't like my two girlfriends. He doesn't want me to socialize with them without him. Biweekly (weekends) his three young kids visit. His children and I have a wonderful relationship. I do not mind caring for or playing with them when they visit, but he's asked me a couple of times to drive a child to an appointment during the week or chaparone his 16-year-old daughter on her social affairs on nights when I'd like to be on a date with him or out with a girlfriend. And I don't understand why he cannot be the chaperone or his ex.

 

I love this man. I like his children. But I feel that by paying rent I should not have to give up friendships or have "soccor mom" or chaperone responsibilities - that's between him and his ex (his ex and I get along very well). I own a business that operates 24/7 and demands a lot of my time..... I don't mind driving the children anywhere but during the week it can be very difficult.

 

We aren't anywhere near marriage, yet I feel that he expects my life to change as though we are. He's said that he prefers I stay at home, especially when his children are around or have needs. I believe that's the main reason he wants me to get rid of the girlfriends who I socialize with once a week on a weekend night.

 

I've told him that I'm not ready to change my life that drastically. If we eventually marry, then perhaps I'll change time spent at my business or with girlfriends and devote more time to staying home.

 

I'd like your opinion as to whether or not I'm justified to feel as I do. Thank you for your time.

[4whatItsWorth]

I'd say those are small red flags. He already wants YOU to change for HIS needs. Who's the parent anyway?! HE is. It's his kids - they are HIS responsibility - not yours. It's nice of you to take them sometimes, but it should only be when HE HIMSELF CAN'T MAKE IT. I repeat - not your kids.

 

I think he is abusing your love and frankly, I would not stay with a man who wants me to give up my friends or leisure activities to take care of his children. You need to sit down and tell him that you don 't mind helping out sometimes, but that you have a demanding job and you are not the parent of his children. He is. He seems to have an old-fashion view of the woman - stay home and look after the kids.

 

If I were you, I'd think twice before even thinking about thinking about marrying him.

[Art_Critic]

You are 37.. he asks you to move in and pay RENT.. WTF is wrong with that guy ?

He is looking for someone to help him pay his bills and make his life easier.. he certainly isn't looking for someone who is a partner.

 

Consider this a glimpse into what life as his wife would be like.. except multiply the red flags by 200%.

 

If I ask a GF to move in.. it is to move into my house period.. no splitting rent.. I have to pay the mortgage regardless of if she is there or not just like he has to pay the rent if you are there or not.

 

I'm not the type to split bills.. I'm grown up and too old for that..

If my GF moves in she will add her own flavor to the household in things that I would never have to ask for.. ie: decorating..household tasks..buying food.. that kind of stuff..

It is a partnership not a tit for tat on monetary items.

 

You need to talk with him about what you feel comfortable doing and about his requests.. if you feel that they are out of line then just speak with him about it..

If he has an issue with your boundaries then you might want to rethink the relationship

[Guest]

Thank you for your replies to my post. It has given me much to think about.

 

I had been married 13 years to my high school sweetheart, so "living together" with this man is new. Since I have not had children of my own, the experience of children in my life is also new..... I don't really know what's the norm or to be expected.

 

I try to move through life aware of others' needs. I try not to be selfish. You have made me feel better that what I feel is not selfishness but a real concern.