hurting_in_nw Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 So, my wife cheated on me recently and has left me for the OM, who was also married at the time. Because of this, I have called her judgement into question, as well as the OM, who could potentially be a caregiver for my son someday soon. Per our custody agreement, any potential caregivers must first meet with the other parent to discuss how they will interact with our son. What questions should I ask? I have obvious ones like "Do you own any firearms?" and "What are your drinking habits?" but I would like some input from others too.
Author hurting_in_nw Posted May 8, 2007 Author Posted May 8, 2007 I should also add that a criminal background check is also required, so questions related to that sort of thing aren't required.
justpassingthrough Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 So, let me get this straight: every Saturday night babysitter will have to undergo a criminal background check?
Author hurting_in_nw Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 No...only people who will be having overnight priveleges with him;)
mockeryjones Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 So, my wife cheated on me recently and has left me for the OM, who was also married at the time. Because of this, I have called her judgement into question, as well as the OM, who could potentially be a caregiver for my son someday soon. Per our custody agreement, any potential caregivers must first meet with the other parent to discuss how they will interact with our son. What questions should I ask? I have obvious ones like "Do you own any firearms?" and "What are your drinking habits?" but I would like some input from others too. hmm have you really thought about the implications of that custody agreement? doesn't basically mean that you each have veto power over the other person's long term relationship prospects? i can see how that would give you the feeling of seizing some amount of the control over your life that your stbxw has stripped from you, but doesn't it also give her an immense amount of power in deciding who you can and cannot end up with next time around? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for doing everything you can to ensure the health and well being of your child, I just wonder if this isn't more about trying to get some control back than it is about ensuring the welfare of your child. What is a face to face going to tell you that a background check will not? It's not like her perspective mates are going to wear "i'm a wife and child beater" t shirts to meet you. And let's say that the other person does not meet with your approval, have you set up guidelines for what constitutes rejectable qualities? I dunno, just seems like a arrangement that will end up causing you more grief than comfort.
Author hurting_in_nw Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 hmm have you really thought about the implications of that custody agreement? doesn't basically mean that you each have veto power over the other person's long term relationship prospects? i can see how that would give you the feeling of seizing some amount of the control over your life that your stbxw has stripped from you, but doesn't it also give her an immense amount of power in deciding who you can and cannot end up with next time around? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for doing everything you can to ensure the health and well being of your child, I just wonder if this isn't more about trying to get some control back than it is about ensuring the welfare of your child. What is a face to face going to tell you that a background check will not? It's not like her perspective mates are going to wear "i'm a wife and child beater" t shirts to meet you. And let's say that the other person does not meet with your approval, have you set up guidelines for what constitutes rejectable qualities? I dunno, just seems like a arrangement that will end up causing you more grief than comfort. I have considered these things, as she brought up the same points. Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I'd rather NOT meet with her new BF when that day comes, but rather provide a questionnaire for him to answer. No matter who he is, he will always be a piece of s**t in my eyes, as will she to a certain extent. The agreement states that if there is a disagreement over a potential caregiver, we will take it to mediation. That was the compromise we achieved. Also, keep in mind that a big part of this is that after my STBXW's mother left her father, she ended up with an alcoholic who brought her alcoholism out, and it was an ugly, ugly situation for children to be brought up in, that wouldn't have changed much from a background check. I don't want that for my own child, because I see how it made his mother turn out.
quankanne Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 • do you have any experience caring for (small) children? • do you have first aid knowlege? (hey, if they can offer classes for babysitters, surely an adult would know the basics of first aid) • do you plan to discipline my child according to what my wife and I agree upon? What is your style of discipline (time-out, spankings, yelling loudly at kid to stop/behave?) • what sort of back up resources for child care do you have available if you're in a bind? • do you have a valid driver's license? really, I imagine it'd be the same things you'd want to know if you were entrusting your child to the teenage girl down the street for the evening. in this case, I don't think a background check (read: pervert report) is out of the question here – tooo many grown-ups ingratiating themselves to parents, then molesting the little ones ...
Teddy and Jane Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 The fact is, she has a right to see who she likes. A boyfriend is not a caregiver. If they get married, there's really nothing you can do to stop her from doing that, either, she's living her life. Sorry but you have no control over this. Yes she did cheat, but life goes on and people have boyfriends and girlfriends after a divorce. You really have no say in who she dates, unless you already know they are a child molester, which is now stated on public websites. I think you are just bitter that she is with the OM, and you aren't dating anyone yet.
Author hurting_in_nw Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 The fact is, she has a right to see who she likes. A boyfriend is not a caregiver. If they get married, there's really nothing you can do to stop her from doing that, either, she's living her life. Sorry but you have no control over this. Yes she did cheat, but life goes on and people have boyfriends and girlfriends after a divorce. You really have no say in who she dates, unless you already know they are a child molester, which is now stated on public websites. I think you are just bitter that she is with the OM, and you aren't dating anyone yet. Yes, of course I am bitter. Duh. That's beside the point though. Sure, she has a right to see who she wants, but I have a right to say who can take care of my son, wouldn't you agree? What if the shoe was on the other foot, and I moved in with say, a stripper? You don't think she'd have a problem with that? Should she not have a right, as his mother, to say, "I don't think that's a good influence to have on our son." I don't feel that someone who had no respect for the boundaries of someone else's marriage is a proper influence for my son. Hell, I don't think SHE is a good influence, but unfortunately I don't have a say in that. I will say that she has given me over 80% custody of him though, which IMO indicates that not only is she running from me, but from being a parent as well. A boyfriend will be a caregiver. My STBXW works night shift--I know eventually she will want that person to watch our son while she is working. I don't think a "boyfriend" should be in that position...he should be with me first. Maybe once this person shows he's in it for the long run (because most OMs are not), I will feel differently.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Sure, she has a right to see who she wants, but I have a right to say who can take care of my son, wouldn't you agree? But just because someone is in the house with your STBXW and son, is he a "caregiver"? How do you make that distinction? If he gives him a glass of water? While it may sound good on paper, the vetting process seems useless in real life. And trust me, I'm on your side, having survived a similar situation (and subsequent boyfriends) with my ex. Mockeryjones point is also well-founded - any attempt to enforce this agreement has huge consequences for you. If your ex decides all blondes (or fill in the blank - brunettes, redheads, etc.) are bimbos and doesn't want them around your son, she could drag you into mediation before one sets foot in your house. Seems a lot to give up while getting little meaningful in return... Mr. Lucky
Author hurting_in_nw Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 So would you all recommend I just settle for the background check? Or is it pertinent to ask additional questions? As far as her denying me blondes...I figure I will be the one who goes through this process first, setting a standard so to speak, so I don't know if that would hold any water if she tried to pull something like that.
Teddy and Jane Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 You can't really speculate if the bf's going to be babysitting your child at night when she works or not. If that does happen, just work it out so she only sees your son on her nights off. I really don't think there's much you can do except move on and try to get a dating life of your own so you can get over your jealousy and bitterness and be happy. I don't think you have a right to ask for a background check. I dated a guy with kids and I was around his kids a lot, I wouldn't have done a background check, that would be none of his exwife's business. I mean what if you do ask for a background check and he says "no." Too bad. as far as "setting standards" well, it is a legal thing, maybe you should have clarified that out further in the custody agreement, it all sounds kind of shoddily put together and hokey to be honest. He's NOT a caregiver, you don't have any right to do that right now. Sorry.
Author hurting_in_nw Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 Thanks for your input T&J. Believe me, I do see your points and I do understand that this is a very bitter pill for me to swallow. I disagree though about the background check, and my STBXW has already agreed to that and thinks it's OK. In this day and age, you really can't trust anybody, and it would devastate the both of us if something happened to our son that we could have prevented. We're both college-educated people, so it's not like we're going to go downtown and pick up drug dealers as new partners, but you never know what someone could be hiding in their past. I'm sure were either of us to find out that someone we were dating had a past that involved crimes against children, we'd have no interest in continuing that relationship.
Touche Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Everyone has a right to public records. Hurting, doesn't need the b/f's permission to do a background check.
whichwayisup Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 I hope your child isn't meeting the OM anytime soon. Poor kid(s) need time to adjust and don't need to meet mommy's new bf yet. I hope that gets put off as long as possible.
Teddy and Jane Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 I hope your child isn't meeting the OM anytime soon. Poor kid(s) need time to adjust and don't need to meet mommy's new bf yet. I hope that gets put off as long as possible. That is definitely true. I would say at least a year.
Author hurting_in_nw Posted May 10, 2007 Author Posted May 10, 2007 That is definitely true. I would say at least a year. Haha, yeah right. She'd have introduced them already if it weren't for my protests. As of now she's given me until the end of June. My son has counseling this Friday...I will ask her professional opinion and hopefully STBXW will take that to heart.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 I figure I will be the one who goes through this process first, setting a standard so to speak, so I don't know if that would hold any water if she tried to pull something like that. But what you're not realizing is that any standard you set will only apply to you - divorce and separation agreements are notoriously open to interpretation from both sides. An example: My joint physical custody agreement with my ex said that I would pick up my son at 3pm Sunday. I show up at her house on time; no one there. I call her; no answer. I wait an hour; nothing. What's the next step? Call the police? My lawyer? Her lawyer? She eventually called me later that night, said she "forgot". The good news (this was 20 years ago) was that we quickly worked through the issues, anger and bitterness and very sucessfully raised our now 27 year-old son together. But any success YOU are going to have with your STBXW will come from compromise and give-and-take, NOT from a questionairre or mediation agreement. Stay strong Mr. Lucky
che_jesse Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 I think what you are doing is correct, I used to run background checks on people I dated all the time. You just cant trust random people off of the street. I sure as hell would run them on people that were going to be around my kids (I have on babysitters and daycare workers in the past). Past that, if my hubby and I ever got divorced and he was dateing I would do everything in my power to know everthing about that person. You are correct when you say your ex and her new man have ****ty judgement, you know that about them already and you need to follow up some more. Ask if he has experiance when children and what sort. If he wants children of his own and when (also how does your ex feel about more kids?) Ask about prior relationships and then track down some of his exes and talk to them (I guess the wife is a good choice), that will give you insight into him. T&J its not about being "bitter" its about not letting any random peice of trash off the street near your children.
climbergirl Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 But what you're not realizing is that any standard you set will only apply to you - divorce and separation agreements are notoriously open to interpretation from both sides. An example: My joint physical custody agreement with my ex said that I would pick up my son at 3pm Sunday. I show up at her house on time; no one there. I call her; no answer. I wait an hour; nothing. What's the next step? Call the police? My lawyer? Her lawyer? She eventually called me later that night, said she "forgot". The good news (this was 20 years ago) was that we quickly worked through the issues, anger and bitterness and very sucessfully raised our now 27 year-old son together. But any success YOU are going to have with your STBXW will come from compromise and give-and-take, NOT from a questionairre or mediation agreement. Stay strong Mr. Lucky Good advice and definately food-for-thought for when you start dating, OP. Ask if he has experiance when children and what sort. If he wants children of his own and when (also how does your ex feel about more kids?) Ask about prior relationships and then track down some of his exes and talk to them (I guess the wife is a good choice), that will give you insight into him. My personal experience is that the above questions will shed no insight into the persons character. Not only that, but a few of those questions are really none of his business. A background check is a very good idea. Other than that, you may have to just trust that your ex is a good mother and will protect her child.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 T&J its not about being "bitter" its about not letting any random peice of trash off the street near your children. How would you practically keep your ex's now and future SO's away from your children? Mr. Lucky
Author hurting_in_nw Posted May 10, 2007 Author Posted May 10, 2007 How would you practically keep your ex's now and future SO's away from your children? Mr. Lucky By having a well thought-out custody agreement then showing that the other parent violated it, for starters.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 By having a well thought-out custody agreement then showing that the other parent violated it, for starters. Hurting in nw, I wish you all the success in the world. But I'm always surprised that someone whose spouse chose not to follow the rules of marriage thinks they are going to follow the rules of divorce . When you say "show that the other parent violated it" - show who? Your attorney? He's going to charge you just to talk to him. A judge? It can take months just to get a hearing. The cops? Absent violence, they won't get involved in domestic matters. It would be nice if divorce was like an NFL game - someone does something wrong, the Ref throws a flag, a penalty is assessed - trust me, it doesn't work like that. The fact is, even though you and your STBXW couldn't be marriage partners, you'll have to figure out a way to be child-rearing partners. As angry as her infidelity has made you, you'll have to get over it. For your child's sake, you'll have to talk to her, see her and spend time with her. And you'll have to do it with a civil tongue and a smile on your face. Your success in doing that will have a much greater impact on the quality of your and your child's life than any "well thought out custody agreement". Mr. Lucky
Author hurting_in_nw Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 Only time will tell my friend. I know that I can still be the best father I can without having to deal with her on a regular basis though. And sure, in time I'm sure my anger and hurt will fade, and it will make this all easier. And even if there is a smile on my face, she'll always be a lying whore in my eyes.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 I know that I can still be the best father I can without having to deal with her on a regular basis though. Every day events, from parent/teacher conferences to Little League games, will put you in the same place at the same time. Best to take the high road - in the long run, the anger only hurts you. The best revenge is to be truly happy in your next relationship - that really pisses ex's off Mr. Lucky
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