4whatItsWorth Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I am so sorry for you. Your H is using stupid excuses - if he has such a "pain" not "getting it" then he can go masturbate this thing off for what he likes. I think it is sad he is treating a 26 year old woman like she is an unattractive sex-toy. Because that is what you seem to be - his sex toy. I would NEVER stay in such a marriage. He shows you no respect telling you hurtful comments like "You have period - its ok I just masturbated" - that comment would have KILLED me. It seems to me he is fine with whatever he does and that he has no intentions of changeing. Something is NOT right. Perhaps he has emotional issues he is battling with - but whatever it is he own you to tell you. Demand an explanation, go look for a better paying job and tell him you're outta here if things do not change. Don't wait around - become independent financially so that you CAN leave if worst comes to worst. You'll never be happy staying with this man if things continue this way.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 This isn't a professional diagnosis... but it sounds to me like he's got a fairly nasty case of You-ain't-gonna-tell-ME-what-to-do syndrome. It seems like whatever you ask of him, he just immediately discards it without even bothering to give your requests some consideration. Add that to the anger issues, and he sounds like a bit of a "control freak". Unfortunately... some guys don't 'get' it. You can talk. You can nag. You can bitch, moan, groan, and complain, but they don't HEAR you until their suitcase is on the porch. You're 26 now. Don't be doing this when you're 46.
gunghomojo Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Just to clarify. I am not defending your H's standpoint. I've just experienced erections so hard and erect they are painful. I am 35 and I have been the same way. It is our fault, IE: spouse that will not touch or be affectionate without it leading to sex. Also if a pattern becomes evident it sure will get worse between people than better. He sounds like me , I have done it , did it, and still slip sometimes. I have gotten better. By trying. By hearing and accepting my W's feelings then respecting that she does not wish for me to look at her as an object for pleasurable feelings. I would suggest social therapy for him but I honestly do not even feel my therapist being helpful. He just needs to somehow see and understand that erections will come and pass.Turn ons will come UP. ha ha . And there will be a time. You have most likely given plenty of attention in the intimate area. The choice is just out right his, and he is not making it. Good luck. Some people do come around and see that it is not always best to see their partner as a pleasurable interruption in their life.(sexual one) Anyway I just stomped off on my wife because I felt ignored. Time for me to go be a good person and accept responsibility for being mean and selfish. Hoping your husband finds out that, sex will be there. If he does not start loving you without sex being involved , you may not. Hug the puppy, keep your spirits bright.
a4a Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Katie he is full of crap! If his weiner hurts he can go whack it. No excuse to treat you this way. To be blunt it is my guess he is waiting for you to get on your feet so he feels it is okay to end it. And whatever is causing these issues of his is no longer your concern. Not worth the effort or worry on your part. He obviously does not want to address the issues so there is no point in you attempting to do so. Eventually you will reach the torture point...... you will want to torture him. You will stop feeling hurt and bad about yourself. Anger will show up soon enough.... use it to get the hell out. I guess being pleasant to you also gives him a woody? Yeah whatever.... You are with a person who doesn't want to fix things... Go start living! Stick a spork in this M and move on.
JackJack Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I'm coming in this post a little late, and theres not alot I can't really add that hasn't already been said. However, just out of curiosty, it seems he is making excuses which you are aware of, but if its not medical (which I don't think it is, but seems to be the biggest excuse of all, affection turns him on but hurts if he can't have a release, but can release with masterbation) Anyway, if he is not overly tired or stressed, if its not medical, and not due to age or medications, and he is not cheating, my question is, are you sure on all those things? What makes you feel it might NOT be one of those things? I'm not saying it is, I'm just asking what makes you feel its NOT one or more of those things?
dropdeadlegs Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Katie, What a twisted way of thinking and behaving. Millions of men show affection to their SO without sexual gratification ensuing. I imagine it involves a lot of hard ons, but somehow they manage. I can't imagine it being unlike any other craving, they come and within a few minutes they pass if you don't indulge them. Add to that your appearance of interest in sexual acts and it just doesn't add up. As for being financially dependent on him, you are not getting one of the basic necessities of life in your current situation. I left a marriage with no job and no car the first time, and no job the second time. I won't say that it was financially easy because it was, in fact, very difficult. I also had children and much difficulty in collecting any support for them. I cut out all items of non-necessity and dug in my heels and made it without filing bankruptcy. I can only assume that being childless would have made my plight less difficult. Somehow I had most of what I needed although little of what I wanted. I did not have cable TV, internet access, a cell phone, or anything else that seems necessary but I did have a roof over my head, electricity, and food. You don't really need much else. Do you have a plan of escape? I didn't and I'm not sure how much it would have helped. I relied heavily on credit cards for two years, but I made the minimum monthly payments and eventually paid them off although payoff did take several years. I remember my monthly take home pay was $820 ($205 per week) unless we had the odd five Friday month. I lived in a hovel and ate minimally, but I survived. In the first 2-3 months I was blessed with the help of family and friends. People can be very generous to those truly in need. I hope you can find a way to end your pain as quickly as possible.
Reckless Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Hi Katie, Someone did touch on this but I think its worth repeating what will happen if you do nothing. You sigh, cry, come online and vent, hug the dog, visit friends who give you love and support.. but the hurt builds and hardens until its resentment. A few years of resentment and you have hatred (directed at self or your husband). Hatred in a marrage can only be ignored so long. The marriage ends or you die inside. Either way an incredibly sad situation 5, 10, 20 years down the line becomes a tragic one. That or you meet someone who looks at you, listens to you, sees you as desirable, is kind to you and ... well just search 'other man/woman' here at the Shack to see what happens next... There is no way round it, there is only so much 'grinning and bearing' one can do. I'm saying this because I get the impression you are (understanably) tired and have resigned yourself at 26 to live this way. Even if you wanted to, you couldn't - all you'll succeed in doing is wasting a good few years of your life and maybe having a child or two to try and fill the void. You have to be ready to leave. Really ready to get out. Then sit down and explain the situation - either he comes clean about why he cannot show you any affection (no weeny-hurting-me cr*p) and get his butt back to MC or you walk. At 26 you will find a man who will love you and give you the affection you need and be willing to work on finding solutions when bad times and painful boners come up (no pun intended). Seriously, you are too young to resign yourself to this kind of life, pack your bags put them at the door, get the dog, leave him the TV and lay it on the line, he shakes up or you leave. And mean it! R
Author My Fair Katie Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 \Anyway, if he is not overly tired or stressed, if its not medical, and not due to age or medications, and he is not cheating, my question is, are you sure on all those things? What makes you feel it might NOT be one of those things? I'm not saying it is, I'm just asking what makes you feel its NOT one or more of those things? Oh no, it could very well be stress. I feel it's not age because he's young. It's not medications because he's not on any, and I doubt he's cheating because he works from home, seldom goes out without me. It may very well be depression, but he sought out therapy and took a depression quiz and it said he wasn't depressed, so he stopped going. The bottom line is, he has all his needs met. I keep house and cook for us, take him and the dogs to their medical appointments, give sex when wanted, and am the personal chauffeur (that's my choice, he's got road rage, it's easier if he's in the passenger seat playing a video game or something). I can either change what I'm doing (my therapist suggested just not being available at meal times to give him a chance to "miss me" or something) or I can resign myself to the fact that he won't change and I have to choose whether or not it is worth it. (It's not).
Author My Fair Katie Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 There is no way round it, there is only so much 'grinning and bearing' one can do. I'm saying this because I get the impression you are (understanably) tired and have resigned yourself at 26 to live this way. Even if you wanted to, you couldn't - all you'll succeed in doing is wasting a good few years of your life and maybe having a child or two to try and fill the void. I think I misrepresented myself. I haven't resigned myself to living this way. I've resigned myself to the fact that my husband will not change, at least not for me. I've stopped arguing and am just "going thru the motions" until I can find a better job and be able to leave with my dog (he's medium-sized, I have to earn enough so that I can pay for a rent that allows a 65 pound dog, most places allow 30 pounds and under). I've resigned myself to the fact that my marriage is dying. I still feel love for him, but it's not enough. I'm sad, naturally, but I have faith in myself. I'm a strong gal. Oh, and he's sterilized, so the only thing to fill my void would be the wondermutts and 2 is more than enough for me. I don't want to spend every waking hour of the weekend scooping poop in the backyard.
a4a Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Well hop to it woman! Get out there get that job, make a life, put on those red CFM pumps and hit the town. Your self esteem is getting shot. Time to put all your energy into you.
LoveLace Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I don't understand why this would suddenly be a problem for him, when apparently it wasn't always that way before. It sounds like a cover-up for whatever is really going on with him. You can't live like this forever. So if he isn't willing to try counseling or try harder to meet your needs, you might as well get out now. Problems like this drive people to end up having affairs, which lead to divorce anyway.
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