My Fair Katie Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 I'm feeling a little low right now and need to vent a bit. I am in an affectionless marriage. We do not sleep in the same room for a variety of excuses made by my husband. We seldom have sex. He does not touch, hug, kiss or cuddle me unless he thinks it will lead to sex with the exception of a half an hour before bed when he will spoon me and watch tv before going off to the spare room. We had sex twice last month. No, he's not cheating. No, I haven't gained a load of weight, in fact I'm 26 and fairly cute and I *LIKE* sex, so it's not like I'm turning him down. When I ask for affection he tells me it gives him a hard on and that makes him uncomfortable and it hurts if he can't come, so he'll only give said affection if he gets sex, which puts me quite out of the mood. A couple of weeks ago I was downstairs on the sofa watching TV waiting for him to wake up. When he woke up and came downstairs he sat on the sofa and I straddled him and kissed his neck. He made no move to hug me or kiss me back, in fact he kept his arms crossed on his chest. He said, "Are you still on your period?" I said, "Yes." His answer? "Just as well, I already masturbated." I felt gutted. Last night I got gussied up, low cut dress, do me heels, make up (and I hardly ever wear make up), hair just so. I passed by his office and said, "I'm hot today." He didn't even look up and said "Okay Katie." So I kept walking. When I was half way down the stairs he calls out "Sorry, you look cute." He hadn't even seen me! I am so starved for affection and lonely. My dog is getting fed up with my constant need for puppy snuggles. I gotta stop now or I'll cry.
Author My Fair Katie Posted May 8, 2007 Author Posted May 8, 2007 Has it always been like this? No, when we were first dating and married he was very affectionate. Otherwise I would think he is suffering from Aspergers Syndrome.
burning 4 revenge Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 A couple of weeks ago I was downstairs on the sofa watching TV waiting for him to wake up. When he woke up and came downstairs he sat on the sofa and I straddled him and kissed his neck. He made no move to hug me or kiss me back, in fact he kept his arms crossed on his chest. He said, "Are you still on your period?" I said, "Yes." His answer? "Just as well, I already masturbated." I felt gutted. :laugh: :lmao:
NEWDAY Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 He had better wake up and give you what you need. You're too young to go without the physical affection you crave. Please speak up loud and clear about what's missing. Guys complain that they can't read minds and never realized anything was wrong even though you feel like "how can you not see what I'm feeling?" It sounds more like dumbass than Asperger's. Glad you have a dog, though, they always come through in the loyalty and affection dept.
alphamale Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 how old is he MFK? is he on any medications? is he a boozer or does he do any illicit drugs?
Author My Fair Katie Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 how old is he MFK? is he on any medications? is he a boozer or does he do any illicit drugs? If I answer twice my apologies, my browser had some issues. He is 29 going on 30. No ED, he masturbates fairly regularly. He drinks very rarely, usually just on vacation or on business trips with his work buddies. He usually gets annoyed when people do drink, I'm actually surprised he's not a teetotaler. He has a clearance that requires a polygraph every so often, so no drugs either. Been that way as long as I've known him.
alphamale Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 well MFK you have to corner him and force and answer out of him. ask him whats going on inside his head. demand an answer and don't give up until you get a good one.
polywog Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Have you told him how you feel about how he's treating you?
Author My Fair Katie Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 well MFK you have to corner him and force and answer out of him. ask him whats going on inside his head. demand an answer and don't give up until you get a good one. I already gave his answer. I have asked. Affection turns him on. The hard on hurts if he doesn't get a release. Therefore the only touches I get are the ones when sex is guaranteed or he's looking for action. Otherwise I am pushed away. Not like he's gonna change. Like I said, I'm just venting. I'm frustrated, sad, and feeling unloveable. It's okay, I'll hug a dog, I just gotta go distract them from the squirrels and voles in the backyard.
alphamale Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Affection turns him on. The hard on hurts if he doesn't get a release. thats total manipulative bullshyt on his part... unless he's got some medical problem with his pee-pee
Author My Fair Katie Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 Have you told him how you feel about how he's treating you? Yes, and he'll apologize. He'll tell me I'm attractive and loveable. His actions (or lack there of) speak far louder.
IpAncA Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I've actually never heard of this reason for not giving affection. I'm actually stumped. Can you recall anything that may have made him stop? He was doing it before so you know he can. Did he ever mention anything about being uncomfortable when you were dating and first married?
Author My Fair Katie Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 thats total manipulative bullshyt on his part... unless he's got some medical problem with his pee-pee I agree. Doesn't make it any less sad though.
Author My Fair Katie Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 I've actually never heard of this reason for not giving affection. I'm actually stumped. Can you recall anything that may have made him stop? He was doing it before so you know he can. Did he ever mention anything about being uncomfortable when you were dating and first married? Dunno, maybe he's turned gay.
IpAncA Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I agree. Doesn't make it any less sad though. Maybe he's afraid to tell you whats wrong.
alphamale Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Dunno, maybe he's turned gay. well as i stated earlier MFK...you need to find out the REAL reason. that other line is total bullshyt.
Author My Fair Katie Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 Any ideas on finding out the real reason? I can only trust what he tells me until he decides to open up, if he decides to.
alphamale Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Any ideas on finding out the real reason? . yes, just tell him you need the real reason otherwise your gonna split forever. that should open up his cake-hole.
Author My Fair Katie Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 yes, just tell him you need the real reason otherwise your gonna split forever. that should open up his cake-hole. mmmm, cake. I told him last September I was leaving him. Got no answers, a bunch of "I don't knows" and obviously I stayed. Oops. Guess that threat has no clout. He knows I wouldn't leave without having a better job. I'm financially tied to him.
IpAncA Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Have you thought about MC? Until he opens up and tells you and WANTS to work on it, I don't know what else can be done. Hopefully someone else has some better ideas on what to do or whats going on. I do hope things get better for you. I personally would not stand for it and you shouldn't have to live like this and use the dog for affection more then your H.
Author My Fair Katie Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 Have you thought about MC? Until he opens up and tells you and WANTS to work on it, I don't know what else can be done. Hopefully someone else has some better ideas on what to do or whats going on. I do hope things get better for you. I personally would not stand for it and you shouldn't have to live like this and use the dog for affection more then your H. Thanks, I appreciate it. DH went to counseling (was a requirement for me to stay married to him in September--he has anger issues) and declared he no longer needs it. I'm just sorta letting it die I guess. Too tired to fight anymore.
dafranchiseboy Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 i have asked out five different girls and ive been denied 5 times i feel like crap.
Guest Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 After my divorce I dated a man with this attitude. Unless affection ended with his gratification in some fashion (intercourse or oral) he wasn't interested in affection.....no kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc. And if we did have sex, he was still not affectionate thereafter. No snuggles. No talking. He'd received gratification.... I started to feel more like a sex toy than someone meaningful in his life. Most men will say that an erection is uncomfortable without release. But most are willing to endure a little discomfort to cuddle and be affectionate. If he's not affectionate in other ways - compliments you, holds your hand when you walk in the mall, is by your side affectionately when at dinner parties or talkative about you in front of friends and family, then I suspect he's a self-centered jerk. Sorry. Just speaking from personal experience. I could be wrong here. You cannot depends on another human being to make you happy. If you are not happy and he's not willing to compromise.....to change..... then you must do some serious thinking.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I already gave his answer. I have asked. Affection turns him on. The hard on hurts if he doesn't get a release. Therefore the only touches I get are the ones when sex is guaranteed or he's looking for action. Otherwise I am pushed away. Maybe you should call his bluff. Tell him the average married couple interacts physically - kisses, hugs, cuddles, holding hands, etc. - 6 to 10 times a day. As long as he can get it up that frequently, you'll put out. Otherwise, he can drop that lame excuse He's obviously angry at you and chosen this particularly juvenile and destructive manner to express his anger. Any ideas where that might be coming from? Mr. Lucky
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