Best revenge on a cheating spouse...

[Flyin in Clouds]

....

Besides...all of this is irrelevant anyway. Lets say she does get spousal support and the house...well then I'll have to file for bankruptcy if thats the case...no way I can pay to support myself, her and the kids.

 

Nope, that didn't work for my friend. He was ordered to pay more than he made gross (after he came back, was convicted in federal court of felony child support abandonment... dead beat dad law... but of course there is no dead beat mom law...) anyway... bankruptcy didn't work. He was ordered to pay what he owed to support he kids based on his previous high pay job (which he had lost) or go to federal prision. Not pleasant at all.

[Flyin in Clouds]

...Like I could look at them knowing that their life won't be what it could because I had to divorce their mother. I can't say if we will divorce or not...it definitely isn't out of the question...but if/when the day comes...I'll feel like I failed them even though this was her doing.

 

How will it affect your kids, you being bitter all the time, nowing it was "her doing" and that prevented you from moving on because you had to support them and you couldn't make a new happier life with a better woman, and one that was independent enough to support herself so you didn't have to?

 

How many kids go to college and do just fine even though their fathers (or mothers) abandon their mothers (or fathers) and they grow up in a single parent home where mom works her butt off (or dad) and they go to college and turn out just fine?

 

Get your kids DNA tested to determine paternity. That won't affect your having to support them but at least you'll know.

[4whatItsWorth]

naw, let your kids see your anger, resentment and explain why... mommy is a whore. Or both of you continue the dishonesty by hiding the ugly truth from them. Unless both of you take it to your grave they'll know sooner or later.

 

That must be the worst advice I have ever seen on this place! I hope you were joking. If he says "mommy is a whore" to kids aged like 2 and 5 what the heck don't you think that will REALLY screw them up inside??

 

They will feel bad for their dad, and feel ashamed that they still love their mother - he should NOT try to make the kids pick sides. They can pick sides when they are old enough to UNDERSTAND. It is NOT the parent's "job" to tell the children who is a bad or a good mommy. The kids can figure it out themselves based on how SHE and HE treats them.

 

Also, HC should remember that children learn about love and relationship based on their PARENTS relationship. So if he has a crappy one freezing mommy out they will think "alright that is what you do - you freeze people out instead of trying to forgive".

 

Seriously, if you can't forgive do what you can to get out. Your children is in a VERY toxic environment that should be a bigger concern of yours than the economy if you go to court.

[Flyin in Clouds]

....

So big friggin deal I cheated. It was wrong -- I KNOW THAT! It is in the past and that is where it will remain.

 

big friggin deal? Yes it is. I'm sure it was for your H. And it's not that easy to say it will remain in the past. Our past always gets dragged along with us, sometimes even after we die.

 

 

If you do divorce your wife, I think the real issue might be the fact of your wife meeting another man -- someone who brings her joy and perhaps even be a part of your children's lives. That would kill you, eat you up inside just knowing another man could enjoy being around your children doing "fatherly" type things with them during visitation. God forbid another man be part of children's lives, eh HC/SC?!

Yes, that would be awful. It would be terrible for this rotten woman, this cheater, this person of no moral character whatso ever to then bring in some other low life scum bag of a guy she drags up out of a bar at 4 am and has sex with, to bring that around those kids. Terrible.

 

Far better that SC gets full custody and she gets barred from ever seeing or contacting her kids again, (like my friend... ) and some new woman takes over being mommy to those kids. A decent woman this time.

 

A much better senario. But one that is't likely to happen because the courts award custody of kids to the worst drug addicted mom's on the planet with boyfriends that lock the kids in closets, after they are done abusing them.

[Flyin in Clouds]

Reason I never comment is because I don't believe in therapy.....

The problem with saying you need therapy is that it implies there is something wrong with you that needs fixing. There isn't. Your wife is the one that needs therapy. She's the one that needs fixing. (Assuming that what you say is true). Maybe you could get Jack Nickelson to do a little anger management number on you....

[Flyin in Clouds]

...

But you know what? Having them sense and see the anger that daddy is manifesting towards mommy is also failing them. ...

 

That's bs. Not letting the kids know that mom did a bad, bad thing is wrong. Pretending she's a perfect mom of upstanding moral character is wrong. Hiding the hurt she's caused is wrong. It's just more decpetion and lies. But that's what cheaters do... they want to contiue the lies. But in the long run that's going to backfire.

 

happiness for children is seeing happy parents who make them feel loved, safe and like they are #1.

And so your answer is that he should just be happy his wife is a cheat. Even if he isn't. Is that it?

 

What children need are decent, grown up parents that don't cheat on each other.

 

Opps too late for that.

 

And no, you do kids wrong by making them number 1. Kids are kids. They are merely PART of the family. The relationship between mom and dad is number 1. Kids come after that because having a happy mom and dad is more important than the kids always feeling they are placed ahead of everyone else. Putting kids #1 often leads to cheating because a spouse feels they just aren't getting what they need. And with putting kids #1 no wonder there are so many spoiled rotten kids (and later spoiled rotten adults that end up being cheaters because they always have to be number 1).

 

Your own children could mess up some day, what would you do then? Fill them with vile comments about their actions?

Yes. I certainly won't excuse their inexcusible behavior because they will have been taught that the world isn't all about them. It's about other people in the family and that their commitment to family is what is important, and honor, honesty.

 

The reason those kids would "mess" up is because they were patterning the cheating mother, not their father. All the more reason that a cheating mother should never be allowed contact with her children again. She'll only mess them up.

[Flyin in Clouds]

...

I recognize that sometimes a person ends up with a 100% defective 'train wreck' of a partner. In a case like that, there's nothing much to be done but to get a divorce and do as much for the kids as can be done. But everybody who doesn't fit into that category has a choice about how they treat their marriage and partnership.

 

Well Ladyjane, just how is a cheater not a "train wreck" of a partner?

 

So if my wife cheats, I should just suck it up for the sake of the kids. But if I cheat after her affair that's totatly unforgiveable sin? Why shouldn't she have to suck it up like I had to?

 

Why shouldn't it be the case that the adulter loses everything? They lose their home, their children, their assets? And if the adulter happens to be the mother she loses her kids. Permanently. Think that might make men and women think twice before wrecking their homes? Think there would be fewer "broken" homes?

[Ripples]

There is so much blame put on the cheater, however, I personally, believe that there are not many people who cheat for no reason.

 

No, I'm not saying that a lack of perfection in a relationship gives anyone an excuse to betray their partner. However, I do believe that a relationship can't survive an affair unless the betrayed spouse admits their own failures in keeping the relationship affair proof. I can see my own mistakes in my ex relationship, I can see where I went wrong and why my ex-SO went looking for a replacement. Mea culpa.

 

On the other hand, if the cheater is all about themselves and is cheating for the pure hell of it, why on earth would their BS want to keep them around, especially if there are children involved?

 

I'm very much afraid I can see the reasons for the cheating of SOs of certain posters on this site. Yes, myself included.

[Flyin in Clouds]

....

I feel you need therapy.. period..

 

I feel you need therapy too SC. But the therapy you need is to get laid.

[Flyin in Clouds]

....

 

NO I don't believe in capital punshment, under no circumstances.

 

I am not a liberator. Liberators do not exist. The people liberate themselves. - Ernesto Che Guevara

Odd for a guy that is in love with Che - a mass murderer that executed thousands - to not believe in capital punishment.

 

Tom do you think Che believed in capital punishment?

[Flyin in Clouds]

What if she did it because it was her lame ass way to get your attention...or because she was feeling neglected or better yet simply because she needed her ego stroked because she had low self esteem. Maybe she didna't think through the repercutions of her actions, maybe maybe maybe.....

Why would any of that matter. The issue is she cheated. She didn't have the decency to end their relationship and then start another.

 

No suppose for the sake of arugment that SC / HC decides to cheat on his wife, for any one the reasons listed above.

 

Would your recommendations for how his wife should deal with it be the same? She has to do her share of fixing the relationship and seek therapy and all that crap?

[Flyin in Clouds]

TC

 

If you are anything, you are definitely a trooper. I don't agree with much of what you post on the other forum, but I do here. SC/HC is not trying to help himself. Anger and resentment are the quick path to divorce. I usually agree with WWIU but I so don't in his case. This man is hellbent on being as angry as he can possibly be. There is just no way possible that he can be this nasty on a forum of complete strangers and not be so towards his W and kids. I just don't buy it. He is starting to sound like the perfect MM. "I do everything for my family" "My W just doesn't appreciate me" "She cheated on me" "She deserves whatever I decide to give her" "I was the perfect H" and on and on and on.

 

I think that SC was a caldron of anger just waiting to boil over anyways. I don't like his venting one bit. Like SM, I too, wish he would tone it down. I may not agree with the choices of the OPs, but I am not going to call them names or make the nastiest comments that I can make. Here we have the pot calling the kettle black. He says mean and purposely hurtful things to the OPs in their forum, but then if it is even almost thrown back at him he says "you are trying to hurt me".

 

And he is in for a real surprise if and when he does D his W. She will more than likely get custody of the kids and the house. And not because she is a woman as has been implied. He is clearly unstable. He doesn't answer questions directly unless he is able to get in a dig about his W. A judge is going to make note of that. His poor kids will probably be subjected to hearing about their "whore" of a mother for decades to come from a dad that just will not move on from how perfect he was and what she "DID" to him. SC is officially bitter. And that's a tough place to move on from. Its anger now, it will be rage later.

 

I am starting to think that she what she did didn't bring this out of him, per se. It had to be in there already to be brought out.

 

This is a trainwreck in the making. And its not sad anymore. Its down right pathetic. (And SC, I didn't say you were pathetic before you use your skills of deflection and place words where they were not)

 

SC HC take very good note of this... You have to practice not being the slightest big angry especially befor the kids. Just broken hearted. She has to be the bad guy or you won't have a ghost of chance at custody. Even if you are damn near a saint and she's a proven crack whore you'll be lucky to get 50-50 custody.

 

I you want a D you have to start planning it now, with absolutely no clue to her, you have to convince her that you really want to make this work, all the while you are lining up your ducks in a row to drop the bomb on her. Believe me it's the only way to make it work in your favor. Get the damn best attorney you can.

[Flyin in Clouds]

She just gave the old bullshi!t answers..."it just happened and I was stupid".

I always love that excuse but hey use it man. If it worked for her it should work for you... Oh, Sally from the office, yeah we had a torrid affair. It just happened and I was stupid. Stupid old me.... well, let's forgive and forget honey... OK?

 

Yeah, that works for me...

[Flyin in Clouds]

Not that anyone really cares but this is what I think.... HC/SC refuses to take a good long look at himself to see what he did to cause his wife to stray.

Jinxx what do women do that cause men to rape them? Huh?

 

Yeah, tell me how the victim is responsible. I'd love to hear it.

 

And to many men, their woman cheating on them has the same traumatic emotional impact as being raped. It is a life long scar. It is a kind of death. Part of a man dies when he finds out his angel isn't all that angelic after all.

 

He is perfect. He treats her like a queen. We've all heard that he is such a wonderful husband and father and would give her anything. He doesn't do anything wrong that would cause his wife to seek comfort elsewhere.

I doesn't matter what he did or didn't do. Nothing he could do or not do makes it OK for his wife to cheat on him.

 

... Only a therapist can get to the root of the problem.

With the kind of psycho babble, passive aggressive non-sense that comes from "professional therapists" I don't think they'd get to the root of anything.

 

....this wife is going through and could possibly help him with his problems.

He doesn't have a problem. other than having a cheating wife that is. But that's his wife's problems. She's messed up.

 

 

But that is too hard for him to accept and understand. Must be a pride or ego man thing.

You bet it is a pride and male ego thing...

 

Sometimes you have to be willing to put your pride aside and move forward.

So when he cheats on his wife (not if, when and he will if he stays with her), she will just have to put her pride aside so they can move forward together. Right? After all an affairs no big deal. What's all the fuss? It's just a little sex and it's all in the past. It's in the past where it belongs... Honey, after I'm done screwing my mistress tonight that's in the past too, lets just move on tomorrow.

[Woggle]

I just find it funny how the same women who will hold on to resentment for years over the smallest things will then turn around and tell a man that he needs to just get over his wife betraying him in one of the worst ways. Women will hold on to anger because her husband 20 years ago took her to Taco Bell when she really wanted KFC but if she cheats on her husband he needs to just get over it. I sense some hypocrisy.

[Ripples]

I just find it funny how the same women who will hold on to resentment for years over the smallest things will then turn around and tell a man that he needs to just get over his wife betraying him in one of the worst ways. Women will hold on to anger because her husband 20 years ago took her to Taco Bell when she really wanted KFC but if she cheats on her husband he needs to just get over it. I sense some hypocrisy.

Who is being hypocritical? Unless you back your statement up with some facts it's all too easy to dismiss it as yet more fabrication.

[Woggle]

Who is being hypocritical? Unless you back your statement up with some facts it's all too easy to dismiss it as yet more fabrication.

 

It is the truth. Women hold resentment for years over nothing even if a man had the best intentions but if a woman betrays a man in the worst way he is supposed to forgive and forget. It seems that men are expected to put up with anything these days.

[Ripples]

So, noone in particular? Again? Just another generalisation....

[Jinxx]

Uh, he didn't f*ck around on his wife and thus isn't the one causiong turmoil in the family. His wife is the one that is causing all that, being out till 4am screwing other men. How is that being a responsible role model of a parent?

 

That does not make his wife an irresponsible mother. You don't have to be out until 4:00am screwing other men. Sorry but it takes two people to cause turmoil. He refuses to recognize his flaws that might have contributed to his wife straying. HC/SC sounds like a control freak. He gets great satisfaction holding her past over her head rather than seeking help from a professional and moving forward.

[Ladyjane14]

It is the truth. Women hold resentment for years over nothing even if a man had the best intentions but if a woman betrays a man in the worst way he is supposed to forgive and forget. It seems that men are expected to put up with anything these days.

 

Bullsh*t.

 

Men and women are equal opportunity employers of "resentment". I've met plenty of both men AND women who never seem to hold a grudge, (sometimes even when they really should). And plenty of both men and women who can't let even the smallest thing go. There's no rhyme or reason to it.

 

You're going to turn into a complete whack-job, if you don't get a grip Woggles.

[Jinxx]

Jinxx what do women do that cause men to rape them? Huh?

 

Yeah, tell me how the victim is responsible. I'd love to hear it.

 

And to many men, their woman cheating on them has the same traumatic emotional impact as being raped. It is a life long scar. It is a kind of death. Part of a man dies when he finds out his angel isn't all that angelic after all.

 

Excuse me but a woman being raped and someone having an affair are completely opposite of one another. If he finds out "his angel isn't that angelic after all" and can't move past it then then he needs to file for divorce and start healing himself. But first he will kick her sorry ass to the curb, throw her clothes on the lawn the "attempt" to win custody of their kids.

 

And just so you know -- I was a former BS so I know every feeling and raw emotion that goes along with it. I get it.

[whichwayisup]

WB FIC, you certainly know how to come back to LS with a bang!

 

Two wrongs do not make a right, so HC cheating really isn't an option. He wouldn't do that, ever. And, him outing his wife to the kids isn't right, it's so inappropriate. That's something else he wouldn't do.

[Woggle]

If you plan on staying in this marriage I would tell her that you forgive her and will drop the grudge but if you ever catch her cheating again you will file for divorce the next day. You two will start off on a clean state but if she betrays you again it is over.

[whichwayisup]

Wog, I would love to see that happen too, but I think in HC's case, he needs to hear his wife say the words I'm sorry and really mean it. Show remorse and make a huge effort to gain his trust and faith in her again. It's gonna be real hard for him to forgive her, if she isn't willing to put in the effort to make the marriage better.

 

I know he isn't ready, maybe he never will be, but him going to counselling will help him cope better. And, also them going to MC will go a long way, but only if both are open to it.

[Tomcat33]

Flying in Clouds - where you high when you wrote some of the stuff you wrote here hence the name?

 

First off I'm not even going to bother answering all the nonsense you wrote about showing anger infront of the kids because anyone in their right mind who is mature, empathetic towards children, and understands the psychology of children would agree that angry parents who show their disdain for one another infront of the children = deep seated problems for the kids' psyche. Obviously you don't have children OR you are an unfit parent if you think otherwise. Other than that I won't even bother responding to your entire ridiculous opinion on that subject, I'll laugh it off as a joke, which is what it is.

 

Why would any of that matter. The issue is she cheated. She didn't have the decency to end their relationship and then start another.

 

No suppose for the sake of arugment that SC / HC decides to cheat on his wife, for any one the reasons listed above.

 

Would your recommendations for how his wife should deal with it be the same? She has to do her share of fixing the relationship and seek therapy and all that crap?

 

Actually I would recommend he leave her and start off a new life with someone else if he were interested in MY recommendation OR I would recommend that SINCE he chose to stay in the marriage to work on repairing the rel. If SC cheated on his W I would recommend the exact same thing to her, actually. No double standards. I NEVER recommended he stay with her HE chose that, so if you are going to stay stay for the right reasons. He needs to also step up to plate, end of story.

 

 

Odd for a guy that is in love with Che - a mass murderer that executed thousands - to not believe in capital punishment.

 

Tom do you think Che believed in capital punishment?

 

 

First of all I am woman

Second, "I am in love with Che"!?!? What are you 7?

I quoted the guy because his quote is simple and true. Get over it.

Thirdly, Che was a revolutionary he believed in his cause, didn't "advocate" capital punishment, read up on him if you are ignorant to who and what he was. Like every great social movement in history there was resistance and casualties, that's a far stretch from calling the guy a mass murderer. Besides "I" don't believe in capital punishment who cares what Che believed. I was talking to SC not Che Guevara....

 

Lastly, WHO CARES about Che and my quote!?!?! .