Best revenge on a cheating spouse...

[Trialbyfire]

Well wait...after reading what LJ said..I rescind that.

No, it proves that people can change if they try hard enough.

 

She used her past knowledge to correct her existing relationship. I'm not certain how old LJ is but I'm certain she's no longer 20...

[hardcase]

No, it proves that people can change if they try hard enough.

 

She used her past knowledge to correct her existing relationship. I'm not certain how old LJ is but I'm certain she's no longer 20...

 

But now I know why she defends my wife.

 

And about the changing part...ya...maybe. But just like an alcoholic...they can stay sober for the rest of their lives and never touch liquor again....but they are still alcoholics.

[Trialbyfire]

But now I know why she defends my wife.

 

And about the changing part...ya...maybe. But just like an alcoholic...they can stay sober for the rest of their lives and never touch liquor again....but they are still alcoholics.

I don't think she's necessarily defending your wife. The impression I'm getting is that she's trying to get you to take control of "you" and stop trying to control your wife because you can't.

 

You have to decide what you want, lay hard boundaries for your wife in no uncertain terms, which if that means an LDT to you, then do it. If your wife doesn't meet your dealbreakers, the deal is broken. A cheater needs consequences to unhealthy actions. They have to give you the comfort level you need to reopen those avenues of trust within yourself. If your boundaries are soft, your wife will continue her actions. It's a risky gamble but it will either pay off with her meeting what you need or you getting rid of this loadstone that you wear around your neck, that's dragging you to the bottom.

[Tomcat33]

How many times do I have to explain it to you....a couple years ago quite frequently...and here and there about a year before D-day...she'd go clubbing with her huss friends...stay out til 4am in the morning..she'll say she's at one friend's house...that friend would say no..they were at someone elses house...on and on and on.

 

Oh...and cell phone turned off. Now unless you are the biggest fool on the planet, you'd know she is lying about not messing around.

 

 

 

I don't put up with it now that I know she has cheated before. I'd stay home with our kids so she could go out and have fun...I was happy to do that so she wasn't stuck around the house all the time. I'd tell her to have fun and don't stay out too late...i never thought anything of her coming home late since I figured she was at a friends house winding down..shooting the bull....til I found out she cheated when we were engaged...then i started probing and these are the things I found out.

 

So suffice it to say...she is no longer to go out with those tramps and never to go to a bar or club.....oh she is a big girl and can do what she wants...I won't stop her, but she now knows there will be consequences to her actions...like her clothes being thrown out on the front lawn.

 

 

Hey look it's hard to follow your story, I'm not making you repeat things for sport. But I got it now thanks.

 

It sounds like she has lied to you for a long time, basically from before you married right up until 8 months ago when it all came out in the wash... so why you want to stay with her is beyond me. You are in waaaay over your head...trying to do the impossible. So you have two choices, quit your whining and get down to really working on your rel. and see if you even can recover the marriage or get out. Seems pretty clear to me.

[Ladyjane14]

But now I know why she defends my wife.

 

And about the changing part...ya...maybe. But just like an alcoholic...they can stay sober for the rest of their lives and never touch liquor again....but they are still alcoholics.

 

If you believe that... maybe you ought to give some consideration to the "marriage model" you're putting before your own children. What's similarities are there after all, between an "alcoholic" and a passive/aggressive???

[crazy_grl]

And as far as the counseling....I really don't mean to sound negative about it...but really...what is some shrink really going to say to me to make it all better? I don't care "why" she did it and I never will. And if I were to even here a therapist say that I was somehow responsible....thats where it would end.

 

So for anyone that has been to therapy....really...why would it help?

 

I don't think many therapists with half a brain would try to convince you that you were responsible, not after knowing the details.

 

If you don't like what the therapist says, you can always leave. You can also tell the counselor up front what you expect.

 

From what you've said about your wife, she sounds like a heartless, self-ish b*tch who just wanted to get married for the sake of being able to say she was married and/or to have some guy take care of her. Is that how you see her? I wouldn't blame you if you do, but if you want to stay married to her, you can't hold onto views like that.

 

I agree that there is no excuse for what she did and her cheating is absolutely 100% not your fault. This isn't a case of her cheating because she wasn't getting her needs met in the marriage. She could have easily walked away instead of pushing you for marriage. Whether it was low self-esteem or anything else, it was completely selfish of her.

 

Because of that, I agree that you don't need to understand why she cheated. There's no excuse that'll make it better. But... after thinking about it, the others may have a point. In order to forgive her, maybe you do need to come to some kind of understanding about why she did it (not just the BS answers she's given so far). Or maybe you don't. If you think you don't, tell the therapist that and why.

 

I think the most imporant thing is that she feels remorseful, and you need to feel that she feels it. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe she already feels aweful about it and it's been killing her but she just can't express that in a meaningful way to you. If she doesn't feel remorse, therapy might help your wife realize the full impact of her behavior (it's the best shot at doing that anyway).

 

I don't really want to talk about it anymore with her at all...because any mention of it DOES make me angry in front of her. the less I talk about it, the better off I am.

 

Are you really better off? Is your relationship better off? Repressing it all might make you feel better temporarily, but if your relationship is going to last, you need to address these feelings with your wife.

 

And I guess thats what I don't really like about therapy, in addition to people trying to tell me its my fault somehow, is that the more I talk about it, I'm afraid I will get angry.

 

Why are you afraid to get angry? You have every right to be angry. A good therapist will help communicate that anger to your wife in a more healthy and productive way.

 

Anyway, that's all I have to say about the therapy thing. You asked how it could help and that's my take. I won't press it any more.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Look HC, I know exactly what your feeling but sometimes you got to let things go. I resented my father so long because he didnt even make an attempt to be in my life, I finally forgave him when he died. It was like a weight lifted off of my sholders.

 

I finally felt free.

 

Your tackling these demons that's in your head, their not going to quit until you let them go. The reason you cant have a great marriage is because it's tainted by the affair I get that. but that doesnt mean you cant make it better.

 

With time and patience you know you can make it better. But I admit it takes two, maybe the reason your wife is giving a hundred percent is because she feels your not giving a hundred. your rattling her little insecurities by working out and looking good. lol. That's funny but

In order to be a leader, you got to lead. You got to open the door.

 

Extend an olive branch, make her feel comfortable in her shoes. I know I probably sound crazy but all that hate and resentment isnt good for you. I understand u completely on why you do resent but sometimes it isnt worth it.

 

A few questions: Has she extended the olvie branch, has she taken the initative in opening up? Has she put her best foot forward on making the marriage better, because as you know it takes two, right?

[hardcase]

Extend an olive branch, make her feel comfortable in her shoes. I know I probably sound crazy but all that hate and resentment isnt good for you. I understand u completely on why you do resent but sometimes it isnt worth it.

 

I really shouldn't be the one doing the initial extending...but I could do that.

 

My fear is that I make her feel at ease, even though what she did torn down my confidence, and then she will start to get comfortable again and think she can take advantage. I hear too many times of an unfaithful spouse gaining back trust...then when they think the coast is clear...the slowly slide back into what they were doing.

[whichwayisup]

I really shouldn't be the one doing the initial extending...but I could do that.

 

By doing that, it opens the door for her. I know it will be hard for you to do, but it's a big step for getting her to open and talk.

 

My fear is that I make her feel at ease, even though what she did torn down my confidence, and then she will start to get comfortable again and think she can take advantage.

 

Then let her know this! How you feel and what your fears are. Also, I doubt very much you're going to let her take advantage of you again. You know what to look for and you will see any red flags as they pop up along the way.

 

I hear too many times of an unfaithful spouse gaining back trust...then when they think the coast is clear...the slowly slide back into what they were doing.

 

Your spouse isn't others, she's your wife. For the sake of the kids, it might be worth giving it a shot. It may or may not work out - But knowing you from what you've said on here, you won't let the marriage slip. If two people want it to work, it will.

[hardcase]

By doing that, it opens the door for her. I know it will be hard for you to do, but it's a big step for getting her to open and talk.

 

 

 

Then let her know this! How you feel and what your fears are. Also, I doubt very much you're going to let her take advantage of you again. You know what to look for and you will see any red flags as they pop up along the way.

 

 

 

Your spouse isn't others, she's your wife. For the sake of the kids, it might be worth giving it a shot. It may or may not work out - But knowing you from what you've said on here, you won't let the marriage slip. If two people want it to work, it will.

 

Well, I'll give it a shot...we'll see. Guess I'll have to wait for the next time she picks a fight...

[whichwayisup]

Well, I'll give it a shot...we'll see. Guess I'll have to wait for the next time she picks a fight...

 

Just stay out of the kitchen and make sure the cupboard doors are closed!

 

Definately talk to her.

[hardcase]

Just stay out of the kitchen and make sure the cupboard doors are closed!

 

Definately talk to her.

 

I can't stay out of the kitchen...I'm the one that does most of the cooking..not because she doesn't want to...I'm just better at it.

[whichwayisup]

I can't stay out of the kitchen...I'm the one that does most of the cooking..not because she doesn't want to...I'm just better at it.

 

I meant, stay out of the kitchen when you have a dicussion with her, silly!

 

You're the cook? I'm envious of her. My H barely cooks, though he does do the dishes after I make dinner. There's nothing like enjoying a home cooked meal made by someone else.....(That's why my motto is, never turn down a free meal, whether it be from family, friends or neighbours!)

[hardcase]

I meant, stay out of the kitchen when you have a dicussion with her, silly!

 

You're the cook? I'm envious of her. My H barely cooks, though he does do the dishes after I make dinner. There's nothing like enjoying a home cooked meal made by someone else.....(That's why my motto is, never turn down a free meal, whether it be from family, friends or neighbours!)

 

I love to cook. Especially because I will cook things that are not high in calories and fat. She cooks nothing but pastas, greasy fried crap...things with loads of cheese on it. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE those things...but you don't maintain a washboard stomach by eating that stuff.

 

and when she does cook...if it is something just loaded with cals/fat...I'll fix my own thing.

[RecoverMe]

sc/hc:

I wish I had gotten in on this thread sooner, so suffice to say I read with great interest MOST of this thread just now, and from what I read I sense you are still in alot of pain, which is completely ok since dday was 8 months ago. From what I also gather, do you think your wife is a serial cheater? It sounds like she is a bit immature, going out partying the way she does w/ young ones at home (their ages?).

 

Look , I am not going to be another tc and attack, in fact I share so many of your feelings. but I feel like I am drowning in my own anger and resentment, and am finally realizing after almost one year that I need help for myelf, not for him, not for my marriage, but I'm sure that help for me will as a byproduct help my marriage.

 

I think LS is a great forum for support and I'm glad you are here and writing to us what you feel. I do think that with all the postings it can get a bit convoluted, and that's where a good therapist can come in and really streamline the What, How , but maybe not the Why's of your wife's infidelity and how you are going to go forward with your life without fear but with love.

 

The working out is great and it is for you. I have found a similar outlet practicing yoga. But the mind and the heart are still shattered from the blow to your relationship, and healing takes time. I hope you can do what is best for you first and foremost.

 

 

I hear too many times of an unfaithful spouse gaining back trust...then when they think the coast is clear...the slowly slide back into what they were doing.

 

If that is the case then I think the writing would be on the wall. If she does it again, it's over don't you think?

[Flyin in Clouds]

is looking good.

 

No joke. Everyone here knows my story I'm sure.

Well, my wife and I got in a huge fight that she instigated....and guess what it was about....me going to the gym several times a week.

 

I guess she feels her best days are behind her and probably doesn't find herself attractive any longer...I guess thats one of the reasons she cheated no matter how many times I'd tell her how beautiful she was and showed her.

 

Anyway, she asked me..."who are you trying to look all good for". ...

 

Sounds like a plot out of the movie American Beauty.

 

Forget Art_Critic. Get a little revenge of your own. Find a honey for yourself. Your wife doesn't like it. Tough. Turn about IS fair play. And if she doesn't understand that then kick her to the curb. She can't fool around on you and then tell you, "no, no boy you can't do what I did... forget it. No extra nookie for you Mr. Salicious... that just doesn't work for me. Hope it doesn't work for you.

 

You are not over what she has done. I feel it in your words

Huh? How does a man, I mean a real man, ever get over this? His wife cheat on him. I know what I'd call her but I'd get banned.

 

Invite her to watch you making love to the new woman in your life.

 

SC would never cheat, it would be so far beneath him.

I guess it wasn't beneath his wife though.

 

Isn't this sweet...SC, why are you and your W not in MC? It will be interesting to see how you two stay together (if you can) if you don't.

Screw MC... find a woman to screw.

 

And if she doesn't want to stay after you've had your affair then screw her.

 

She does not get to set rules for you that she wasn't willing to obey herself. That dog don't hunt.

 

Sounds like you still really hate her. You always have sounded that way. At least you're consistent.

I think you always will hate her until you've had a shot at having what she had...

 

I know the cheaters on here can't see the fairness in the cheated upon getting their own revenge affair but to heck with you... it's his life. Live it as you want SC.... Me, I'd be getting all the revenge I could.

 

f you aren't in marriage counseling you should be in your own therapy program. You have dragged this crap around for a long time.

The best "therapy" is a little nookie of your own. Really...

 

If you do what she did, and then the two of you, as equal cheaters, as equal sinners, then the two of you MIGHT fix things up. Otherwise, you'll always resent her for what she did.

 

Your post speaks volumes as to the bitterness and hatred in your heart.

Island Girl what on earth do you women think a man will have when the angel he loved turns out be to be a common slut?

 

Of course a man is bitter and full of hate for the women he formally loved. Get real...

 

You sure like kicking a person when they are down. Now you've turned it onto your W. How sad.

 

This isn't revenge, its slow torture. You even seem to enjoy it.

Wait a minute guys. What do you think SHE did to him. He's the victim here. Not her. She choose to cheat. She did the worst thing a woman can do to a man. Sorry, if she's in pain she deserves it. A lot.

 

You have painted her as a worthless cheater.

And she's something different?

 

he doesn't deserve what you have been dishing.

I beg to differ. She deserves it and more. She deserves NOTHING. She's lucky to get anything.

 

She doesn't get to make any rules. She gets to hang her head in shame.

 

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,

carved my name into his leather seats...

I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,

slashed a hole in all 4 tires...

 

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

Yeah, I agree Great Gazoo that's what SC should to to her car. But wait, he owns half of it...

 

She cheated, If she can get to a place where she exhibits true remorse for her actions and improves herself and become his wife to the point where he can move on they can have a renewed marriage.

Not only exhibits true remorse, but understand that she has NO right to expect the kind of fidelity that she once owed her husband but decided on her own to abandon for her own selfish desires. That if and when he decides he'd like a little on the side that she's got NO right to complain about it, then they might make a marriage. But she can't complain if he's got his eye on some new woman.

 

I am doing it because she sure as hell isn't going to do anything for my esteem...so I will do something for myself for a change.

Hey, even better. Find another woman to have an affair with. An affair just like she had. Great self esteem builder. No more doubts about needing her or depending on her as your only access to pussy or love or whatever you are after. Be as independent as she was.

 

Though it would be nice though to hear him talk about his wife in a positive light once in a while...

Uh, his wife is a cheating slut. What's postive to talk about?

 

What you are doing is ABUSE.

And his cheating wife? What was that, if not abuse, big time abuse?

 

Do you still Love your wife SC/HC??

What is that supposed to mean? He's supposed to sacrifice himself because of his love for her? Screw that. She cheated. Does she love him? Then she's the one that needs to start making the sacrifice for him!!! She's the one that needs to EARN his love not the other way around.

 

If you forgave her and chose to stay with her you did it to abuse her not because you want to work things out.

She abuses her husband by cheating on him and he's the bad guy. Right... er wrong. If he wants her to stay it's on his terms and his terms alone. If she wants the marriage then she'll have to put up with his 'abuse' as the price for the evil she did. She's the one that needs to be repentant. If she doesn't want to she can leave.

 

adding to her insecurities

Her insecurities? Good God man she's the cheater. If anyone has insecurities it's SC/HC... Holly cow is this warped.

 

SC,HC has to let go of the pain and reassure her that he wouldnt cheat, two wrongs dont make a right.

This is crap. No sorry, he doesn't have to assure her he won't cheat. She has to reassure him that no matter what SC does she'll accept it. Just has she has forced him to accept her ilicit behavior.

 

It is all on her. Not him. She has to do the heavy lifiting and if she doesn't want to then he should kick her out. Pronto.

 

And even though after I found out and she starts complaining about not being attractive any more, I assure her she is as beautiful now as she was years ago...and I think this is what really bothers her about the whole working out thing. I don't care if she has put on a little weight and has stretch marks....if didn't find what she did, I'd be as hot for her today as when we first met.

So she cheated because she wasn't sure she was attractive to men anymore? So what's wrong with SC making damn sure he's attractive to other women? She gets to but he doesn't? That's pure crap. What was good for her ego, is certainly good for his. He needs to find other women that want HIM. As much as she needed to find other men that wanted her.

 

She knows I will never cheat and that isn't the kind of person I am....

That's too bad SC because IMO that is the ONLY thing that will actually fix your relationship. Unless you have your own affair your relatinship will continue to be disfunctional. You will always be "better than her" because that's the kind of person you are and she will alway be superior sexually because - well she's had more men than you've had women. She's a winner, you're a loser. That's how it will always play out. And you will go on resenting her for it. If you stoop to her level all that goes away. And it can be fun to boot.

 

...she has nothing to say about me doing something for myself.

You aren't listening to the women like a4a SC. If what you do makes her uncomfortable because you might become a stud, well that's something you just shouldn't do. Don't you dare go to a strip club... no, no, no... that would be disrespectful. Make her feel insecure. See doing things for you isn't allowed. You have to only do things that make our wife happy and comfortable. "You" simply don't matter - in the least.

 

8 months is a short time to just forgive and forget. Sometimes it takes years to get through the pain.

? forget? My wife screwing some other guy? How does one forget that? I don't think it would be possible to ever forget that. Ever. I suppose if some guys drink enough it can destroy enough brain cells to forget it ... but short of that? naw... ain't something I'm likely to forget, or forgive without getting even.

 

have SERIOUS doubts you are doing ANYTHING constructive to really save your marriage,

Huh? Why does the cheated on spouse have to do ANYTHING to save the marriage? They didn't create the problem. Their spouse did. If the spouse wants the marriage saved it is up to them to do ALL the lifting, all the saving. They are the one that did wrong. If my wife cheated on me I sure wouldn't do anything to save the marriage. I'd kick her sorry ass out. If SHE wanted to save the marriage I MIGHT consider it. But only if I set ALL the rules. She'd live by my rules, however cruel I wanted to make them or she could pick up her crap from the street and move on down the road to her next victum.

 

A) throw in her face what a peice of crap she is B) what a great person you are for NEVER EVER going to cheat c) remind her constantly that this not going to stop any time soon.

You know how to get rid of B? Have your own affair. That also tends to get trid of A because your both the same "peice of crap" or in a kinder gentler way of saying it - you are both human. And C - hey we're even, so lets move on.

 

... she asked why you were taking so much interest in looking good.

"Well honey for the same reason you went out and cheated on me. Think about it honey... I have all the same needs for ego gratification and for knowing I'm a stud as you do for knowing you're a hot piece of a$$. Got it dear? Knowing I'm attractive to other women is as important to me as you knowing other guys are interest in taking you to bed. "

 

but I have doubts about my oldest being mine.

I feel for you buddy... what a terrible thing. But for peace of mind get a DNA test.

 

I think in his wife's case, the truth hurts and her getting upset at the thought of him being with another woman really gets to her. And, he's said over and over again he isn't ever going to cheat...

Stop being noble SC/HC. Stop being hollier than your wife. If you want to, do it. If you don't want to, don't. But it is ENTIRELY your choice, not your wife's. She gets no say. Just as you had no say.

 

And anything less than your own affair is simply being a doormat. Let her get away with it. And she'll do it again. Because she hasn't paid any real penalty for what she did. If you have an affair she may decide to leave you, but she's not likelyt to stop having affairs anyway so in that case no loss. If she does choose to stop and rebuild your relationship then she'll know she can't get away with it without you also being able to walk out on her. If you can't walk out on her you don't have any freedom. You are trapped like a rat in a cage... Only if you can walk away can you be the man in her life.

 

I stated that your underlying attitude toward your wife - i.e. unforgiving and punishing - is being noticed and picked up on by your children. They're soaking up the unhealthy communication and resentment like sponges and will likely model you're relationship when they get older. THAT is why you need to be in counseling.

NO. That is why his wife needs to be in counseling. She needs to bend over backwards to be nice and loving and respectful and remoreseful. None of this is SC's fault nor doing. He's not the one that has to modify his behavior. It's his wife. ...

 

Nice one Hardcase! Going by her reaction, it sounds like you should work out even more. And why not get yourself a nice, young, attractive female personal trainer? If your wife asks, just say it helps you get more motivated

Exactly... make sure she's really stacked too...

 

but when would you forgive...after she is dead and burried... people do not live forever stop the madness and forgive, life is too short

 

why continue the disinergration of your marriage, if it is over then it is over....

Typical woman response. It's over, get over it boy. OK, SC go f*ck some hottie and then it's over. Your wife can just get over it like you're supposed to. She can forgive you... just as you are expected to forgive her. It works both ways ladies.

 

All I know is, when your wife goes out clubbing with her "friends" and comes home at 4am when the club closes at 1 or 2am, and her "friends" can't seem to get their stories straight as to who she was with during that time....I think you get the picture.

Well excuse me for saying this SC, but what kind of dumb f*ck would LET his wife go out clubbing with her "friends" until 4 in the morning? Sorry, that isn't married behavior. Stay at home after you're married.

 

I don't get it. Why stay with her? This woman is no damn good. Sorry...

 

everyone needs to have their own time,

Nope sorry. After we are married it is OUR time. Not her time, not my time. It's together time. Not seperate time. If you want seperate time don't get married. Married means one flesh... not two people legally shacking up together.

 

Until you decide when you want to try to trust her again

Huh? Trust a cheater? Again? You have to be kidding right? She can never be trusted again - ever. She's like an alcoholic. Sorry you can't ever have another drink if you don't want to be an alcoholic.

 

it's not good for your children, let alone for your W

who cares about what is good for his cheating scum bag wife? Huh? She's trash. And the sooner he gets his kids away from her the better off they'll be.

 

your W did a rotten thing, she did decieved you and disrepsected you. If my math doesn't fail me she was pretty young must have been around 26-27 when this happened and already had kids with you...

So Tomcat you are saying a 26-27 year old isn't adult enough to be responsible for her actions? But she can be on OK mother even though she wanted a baby sitter, Mr. SC, to take care of her brats for her while she partied? Come on man. This isn't a mother... I'd call her some kind of cat but that got me in trouble before with the moderators...

 

Making up excuses for this is nuts. Just nuts. Sorry, age got nothing to do with it. Lack of character, lack of honesty and decency has everything to do with it. And those traits are formed way before our 20s.

 

because he is super agressive and attacks posters he deems as "morally" unfit

Excuse me but people that cheat are morally unfit. They have lied and cheated and been dishonest. That seems to me to fit the definition of morally unift. Does it not?

 

If you think agression is healthy....what can I say....

If you think cheating isn't a kind of agression against one's loyal spouse what can I say? And if you think having a person that is as morally flawed as a cheater is around children is OK, what can I say?

 

Cheaters are not morally upstanding people. If they were they wouldn't be cheaters. Having moral degenerates around kids is never a good idea.

 

had children it "appears" that maybe she felt like she still needed to get some "careless" living out of her system.

And why shouldn't SC have the same right to get some "careless" living out of his system. Gad... Do you have any logic at all? Any sense of fairness or justice or balance or what's good for one is good for the other? She needs her ego stroked but he doesn't? Maybe that works for you Tom but not me.

 

The cheating spouse feels relieved and grateful to still be in the marriage, but there is always that niggling thought that the betrayed spouse is going to seek revenge on the cheating spouse by committing the same act back to them. Tit for tat so to speak. No matter how well she knows you or how much you tell her that it is not in your nature to do such a thing, her mind will be telling her differently.

WTF? And why on earth shouldn't the cheating spouse be cheated on? Huh? Why do they deserve to be treated with kid gloves or for that matter why is their fragile ego or feeling so important but the betrayed spouse's aren't? Of course they should GET tit for tat. And I'll take all the tit I can get... But seriously, why on earth shouldn't a betraying spouse be required to understand that at some point, if their betrayed spouse WANTS an affair that they have to bear the burden and the pain and put up with it, just as they are requiring their betrayed spouse to put up with the pain they caused? What is with this "I can do it, you have to suffer, but don't you dare make me suffer like I made you suffer" attitude? Sorry, that just doesn't fly. A betrayed spouse wants' forgiveness? Fine. They have to be willing to offer the same forgiveness when it is their turn. Otherwise why would a betrayed spouse even consider staying with such a selfish person that wants it all there way but won't tolerate it going against them?

 

As you well know, its all about rebuilding the trust again,

Rebulding trust? OK, honey, you cheated on me. I'm going to TRUST that if I ever cheat on you, you will extend to me the same undersanding and forgiveness you expect me to give to you. If you are not willing to do that we've got no basis whatsoever of going forward.

 

I do think you enjoy watching her suffer just a little bit

Misery loves company. Enjoy her suffer? Of course. It eases his pain for what SHE did. And SHE has to offer up that suffering is she wants to keep the marriage together because the whole thing isn't going to be pain free for him and sure as hell should not be pain free for her. Some cheaters actually do feel pain for the cheating they've done. They know they've done wrong and the pain they cause their SO causes them a lot of pain. If his wife isn't suffering then she's not repenting and she doesn't feel she did anything wrong.

 

never expect 100% trust again...

Only a fool would trust another human being. That's why they say fools fall in love.

 

Forget trust. It's not about trust. It's about verifying. As Reagan said, "trust, but verify".

 

I sit there and think..."hmmmm...so this is what happened with her and another guy behind my back"...and I just go through the motions.

Well enjoy her and your mistress(es)...

 

Why do you feel so superior to human kind?

Uh, because people that don't cheat are superior to those that do?

 

I'd carry on with Tomcat, but then I notice his sig... anyone that quotes Che isn't worth the time...

 

You see where you may think you are above the rest is really only a different form of the rest.

This is the kind of moral relativism crap that just doesn't fly. Yes, some people, cultures, counties are morally superior to others. People that don't lie or cheat are morally superior to those that do. There is no moral equivelance between the two. To say there is is just plain nuts.

 

I find it very difficult to converse with anyone that can only see what they want to see.

you mean find it difficult to converse with anyone that won't see things your way.

 

My H asks me about my "boyfriend" at the gym, and I simply tell him "oh, he's fine."

Well if my wife said that, it would be a choice between divorce, or my getting a girlfriend at the office.

 

if she can get through the guilt of what she did, she can reclaim her husband.

WTF? Only if he decides he wants' the b!tch. It is not her choice you know. It's his.

 

OK, I'm up to page 6 of this thread and it's saying there are more beyond page 16, so I'll post this and go on from there. ... Yikes... hope I don't get bombed for this. No offense meant to anyone personally. Sometimes I just saything that sound like there personal. I really mean them to be general statements based on what others say.

[Flyin in Clouds]

For what it's worth, I have serious doubts that she is cheating on you. Even before you mentioned this last part that there is literally not much opportunity....it just doesn't sound like she is doing that simply because she questions your working out. I think it's more that she is worried you might be contemplating doing it to her.

 

Yeah, well what is she doing while he is working out? hmm??? Lots of fooling around possible on a lunch break you know.

[Flyin in Clouds]

....

 

NO .... MM is M to his W...that side of it is his responsibility not mine! does NOT make me a heartless b#tch

 

Uh, if someone baked a a pie and put it on their window to cool and you came a long and stole it ... ? Can you see that you shouldn't take what isn't yours because it belongs to someone else? MM belongs to another woman. And if he should leave his wife for you do not be surprised when another woman comes a long and steals him from you.

 

And I'm not knocking you Unforgetable... just trying to help you see what youre' doing from a different perspective.

[Flyin in Clouds]

...

ok my A with MM started way back in 1993, yes before i got married, yes i was honest and open with my exH before i got married (at that time A had ended) yes i got involved with same MM while i was married and yes i probably deserved what i got when my exH cheated on me AND yes it is a long story.....

Oh, never mind...

[Flyin in Clouds]

Just like your wife did! She is no different then any of us who f#cked around. Why do you stay with her? Don't even use the excuse "because of the kids" -- that is all it is.... an excuse.

I'll tell you why I'd stay with her Junxx. To make her suffer. To make her life a living hell. I'd be all "lets make up, I forgive you, I really really love you... " and when she was falling for it, wham... then it would be pay back time.

 

Petty revenge? Sure. So what. You think that would be nearly as awful as cheating in the first place?

[Flyin in Clouds]

You say you are being responsible for your kids. I bet your wife is too. What makes you so much better than her in the responsibility department.

 

Uh, he didn't f*ck around on his wife and thus isn't the one causiong turmoil in the family. His wife is the one that is causing all that, being out till 4am screwing other men. How is that being a responsible role model of a parent?

[Flyin in Clouds]

..

Get yourself and your wife in MC.. your anger has to be seething into your children's lives..

naw, let your kids see your anger, resentment and explain why... mommy is a whore. Or both of you continue the dishonesty by hiding the ugly truth from them. Unless both of you take it to your grave they'll know sooner or later.

[Flyin in Clouds]

As someone else just pointed out, you should not be so sure you get the house and that you will only have to pay child support.

 

If you are in a long-term marriage you could be on the hook for spousal support forever (California as an example).

 

You may be ordered to keep the house, pay for her to live there.

 

Yeah if you get a really, really bad attorney. And some feminazi judge.

 

But yes, women generally get favorable treatment in the courts no matter how much of a low down rotten cheating lying tramp they happen to be. That's because courts are so clueless as to the terrible negative effect on children whose mothers are tramps.

 

Whatever you do, if you are planning divorce. Do it very, very carefully. Get an attorney NOW. For your children's sake and yours. If you plan it carefully you can get full custody and kick her out without paying her anything. If you don't do it right, she can end up with everything. You have to judge shop, document her negative impact on the children, get them evaluated and you have to plant the seed that their mother my acutally kill them because she's crazy. Think that's extreme? Yeah, well I know a woman that did just that to get rid of her cheating husband. She planned it for four years. Judge shopped. Got all the right evaluations of the kids and father's relationship... She got 75% of his gross salery, the house, their bank accounts. Left him virually penniless. She got sole custody and he got NO visitation rights. None. (Because the kids said they were afraid of their dad, that he might kill them.) And you thought Califonira was a community property state. 50-50... think again.

[Flyin in Clouds]

She wouldn't want the house because she wouldn't be able to afford it. that and she'd have to pay me half of the equity in the house.

 

Whereas I wouldn't require that of her if I had the house so the best interest of our kids would be taken into account.

Don't count on it. The best interst of the kids always trumps everything else in divorce court. So if the judge deems it's best for the kids to continue living in your home, with their mother, they will order you to leave and pay the mortage, and you won't get half. You'll get nothing but the bills. Don't pay? You go to jail. Believe me, that is what happened to my friend. No visitation, pay for it all, no money left to live on so he left the country. When he returned the was put in federal prision... now he's a convicted felon...

 

Don't assume anything will go your way. Get an attorney now.

[Flyin in Clouds]

You would be required to pay her the half of the equity that is hers in order to keep the house.. if you can't then the judge would order that the house be sold and the equity split.

 

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha....

 

you guys are dreaming if you think it actually works that way.