Best revenge on a cheating spouse...

[Jinxx]

Yup...its all my fault... I should have broken my back just to keep her from straying....especially when I had no clue it went on whatsoever.

 

Thanks for clearing that up Jinxx...I'm to blame.

 

I'm not (or never did for that matter) placing all the blame on you so don't twist my words.

[Tomcat33]

Nope...that won't happen....but no matter what happens..I will still continue to advise anyone who is young and not married to not even think about entering into marriage with someone they know cheated on them.

I never had the choice...others do and can save themselves from what I am going through.

 

 

 

Well thanks...you just basically told me that I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

 

Hells bells...what the hell am I suppose to do?

 

 

 

Sure it does....we wouldn't have this problem if she didn't cheat......DUH!

 

Let me ask you a question TC...are you or are you not a cheater? And if you cheated in the past..then the answer would be yes.

 

So are you or aren't you?

 

SC how are you damned if you do damned if you don't? I'm not saying get over it already, I am not saying forget about that fact she cheated, I'm not saying let it go, let it slide, don't feel anger, I am not saying any of those things, I'd be a moron to say that and not see things for what they are at all. What I AM saying though is to channel your anger in a more postitive way, you can let go of all your anger you can feel all the anger you need to feel, and feel all the feelings you need to feel to help you cope with the situation, no one can tell another human being how they should feel and when they should stop feeling. But I do think that lashing out in spiteful ways towards those who are in similar situations as your W in very agressive fashion is not constructive, to you or them. That's my opinion. I think there are many ways that can help you purge some of that angst that you carry inside, going to the gym is one of them, but in your OP I sensed this tone that you enjoy making your W feel insecure about going to the gym, it just makes me wonder if you do it to better yourself or simply to get back at her, or a little bit of both. Again my opinion.

 

I've said it before I don't want to sound like a broken record, open your mind in baby steps to the idea of accpetance and you might be pleasantly surprised at how it can work for you in a much more positive way. By open your mind I mean do you part in letting your W in so that she can be the best she can be OR show you she just isn't into it, but either way you'll be able to tell if it's worth fighting for or not. If you resist her you are contributing to the breakdown of your union, despite what instigated the trumoil in the first place.

 

To answer your question re my cheating, I have answered this in other threads already, I have never cheated in my life. I just don't have it in me. I was however involved with a seperated man, whom I met while he was still transitioning out of his marriage, we broke contact so that he could decide what he wanted to do. He moved out and in months we started dating, I never really felt 100% comfortable with the fact that he was still M and that it was a rebound blahh blahh blahh, distroyed any chance at a fair go at it and now we are still apart. He is trying to get back together but I basically have asked him not to contact me until he is D, if he is going to be. Being the OW (I never really was in the practical sense because there was no sneaking around or anything like that, but I sort of felt like it since he was still M though living on his own) never suited me, and never will. I know I am still considered "scum" in your eyes but I know what and who I am I don't need to pass the test with others I need to pass the test with myself. I consider myself a person who deserves respect and a fair change just as much as the next person, regardless of the mistakes I may have commited in my past, and I will NOT allow anyone to walk over me or tell me otherwise. my heart has been broken pretty hard, I too fell victim of many lies, of emtpy promises and I had to suck it up and deal with it. I could go around and hate every married guy out there, or every guy for that matter, I choose not to. I choose not to let what one misfit did cast a shadow over a whole string of people. It's not good for ME. Life begins every day if you want it to or it continues in a perpetual stagnated state is you also choose that.

 

On the flip side I would never stay with someone who cheated on me, I was cheated on once and walked, there was no looking back. You only get one chance with me to do that right, if you fail that's your problem I make it clear from the get-go with every rel. I've had there are no second chances with me, so if you choose to go down that path it means we are done for good. And you know it's not because I think I am above humanity to have someone commit a mistake like that, I just know myself too well I don't have the energy to try to work with someone who chooses to lie to me in that way, so I'd rather cut them loose and cut myself loose. Life is too short to try to work through a lie. If a guy I am with can be that easily swayed by another woman then she can have him he is no good to me. I'm pretty confident in knowing that there is always another man whom I will love and who will love me back, I'm more practical in that sense., I would rather feel the pain of loss for a certain period of time than to subject myeslf to a painful existence next to someone I would not longer respect and who no longer respects me. But if I would choose to work through it then I would have to do just that. There is only two choices, stay and work it out or get out. The in between stuff is just that, in between.

[Jinxx]

Is it me or does jynxx has a real self esteem problem? I mean is jynx so down on her situation that she doesnt see that your wife put you in so much pain and she doesnt even have the heart to apologize for it?

 

is that right? is that fair? When your wrong, your wrong!

 

Nice try but I don't have a self esteem problem but you're welcome to assume what you want.

[Art_Critic]

Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.

 

Learning how to identify the actual sources of anger and to use anger as a tool for change is the trick.

 

HC.. how would you like your marriage to grow from this ?

 

You can't just blame your wife for the destruction of your marriage.. you take part in your marriage every single day so you also bear responsibility for the destruction of your marriage with your wife..

 

I didn't cause my wife to be bipolar and for her to physically abuse me but I did bear responsibility for not dealing with some issues that lead to me finally saying "I'm done"..

I was in a terrible marriage that I made the decision to get into and I made the decision to get out of..

I made the decision to end my marriage.. so I bear the responsibility for that.. not her..

 

She has to look at herself in the mirror and decide for herself her part in the destruction of her marriage with me.. it isn't up to me to point that part out to her..

 

I have never felt or said that your anger is misplaced or wrong.. I have said that you need to get past this anger stage..

you seem stuck in it.. in order for you to heal you have to let the anger go.. you have to wake up every day and make a conscience decision to let it go..

[Sheba]

This is a sad thread.

 

I have not read through all of the posts, but I have the gist of it. Salacious Crumb has transformed himself into "hardcase" and is proving that his new alias is apt.

 

Hardcase, I can imagine that you are terribly hurt, and it is understandable, but it seems to me as if you are using your children to justify staying in a marriage which is tortured by your vitrol.

 

Don't fool yourself - the kids know! No one who is as angry as you are could hide it effectively. They know you are angry with their mother and it hurts them. I doubt that they understand why and they should not be told why, but even if they were I doubt they would find your actions fair. They are living with an angry father who is bent on punishing their mother. They deserve and NEED at least one parent who is at least mostly at peace and happy. It seems to me they won't get such a parent until you and your wife separate.

 

I liked your old alias much better. It was witty and unique. Your new alias is cold. So are you.

 

Leave your wife, give your kids the gift of your old self back (who ever that was) and move forward.

 

Good luck.

[Tomcat33]

Uh...because there are only so many rooms in a house that you can hide...

 

If she follows you until she gets an answer from you...eventually, you cannot avoid it.

 

Fights happen TC...oh...but I'm the bastard here to you.

 

 

SC it's not about hiding from conflict or just shutting her out when she wants to get her feelings out or vs/vs because that is passive

agression. When a person has a need to communicate their frustartions/insecurities etc and in turn the other person gives them the silent treatment, refuses to discuss things, or simply walks out only making the other person more frustrated. That is passive agression. It is just as bad as engaging in agressive unfair low blow fighting. Both ends of the spectrums are bad. The fair way to fight, if you feel you are just too hot headed or too angry or simply too explosive at a particular time to enraged in a conversation is to take the time out but to commit to talking it out when the waters are calm. The important thing is to open the channel of communication at some point so that it doesn't HAVE to get agressive, so that your needs can both be met, yourse for solitude and peace at any given time, and hers for expression and communication of feelings or the other way around. That is where you are responisble for your actions in the interaction of your union.

 

Of course fights happen, I am not saying you cannot fight, you cannot disagree you can not have it out. What I am saying is that if you both don't find a constructive way to let all the feelings that are flowing around in your heads come to light, then you are going to destroy any chance at a future together, and why put your children through that? That's worse than having divorced parents.

[Ripples]

Why are YOU so special that you expect to receive an 'assurance' that NONE of the rest of us mere mortals will ever have?

 

Nobody ever knows for sure what goes on in another person's heart and mind... no matter how well you think you know them. There are NO guarantees for any of us. It doesn't even matter if there's no previous history of infidelity. In fact, if you think about it, right up to the point when a betrayed spouse discovers an infidelity... there was none.

 

You've said many times before that YOU will never cheat. But you can't be INSIDE anyone else's head 24/7 and control their choices. All you can do is to respond to another person's actions with choices of your own.

 

 

 

 

In her place... I'd refuse it too.

It's offensive. If my spouse needs a lie detector test in order to take my word, I don't WANT him anymore. If he's going to try to FORCE me down the path of resentment, all I can do at that point is step off the beaten path.

 

You know, there are WORSE things than infidelity. IMHO, nurturing hatred and bitterness is one of them. I wouldn't voluntarily allow someone to put me in that position.

 

You might feel like you have your wife buffaloed, HC.... that she doesn't realize how negative your feelings for her have become. And that's probably true to some extent. But, this IS emotional distancing, and on some level, she's gonna feel it in her heart that something's not right. You're denying her what was promised... to "love and cherish".

 

She'll only have two choices once she comes to a full waking realization of what your true feelings are. The wise choice would be to leave you. The alternative would be to continue trying to make the best of a bad job.

 

People can't change the past. And to be honest if we're still talking about an incident that preceded the marriage... I can't agree that fidelity is strictly owed to a partner until after the vows are spoken. This might just be one woman's opinion... but I find 'marriage to be a more formal agreement, a sacrament, the difference between a handshake and a contract. That's why it's called "marriage" and not "dating".

 

So, while I'd agree that it's not nice for people to renege on their "handshake"... I can't subscribe to holding somebody's feet to the fire for the rest of their natural life over it. I'm not saying this to minimize your feelings on the issue... but rather to illustrate that I take those VOWS seriously. If memory serves... in your case, they hadn't been made yet.

 

Anyway, you're not the only person ever, who in hindsight... regretted their choice of partner. The difference is that NOW you probably feel like you have a better excuse than most. Honestly though... if this "venting" you do here at LS is what's really lurking in your heart, then your vows are BROKEN. You ain't exactly lovin' and cherishin'.

 

This post should be a sticky on this board. Utterly brilliant.

[hardcase]

Lol, i'm just saying I've been where your at and it doesnt feel nice. Is it me or does jynxx has a real self esteem problem? Since when does a person lie down and let someone trample all over them until that person starts fighting back? I mean is jynx so down on her situation that she doesnt see that your wife put you in so much pain and she doesnt even have the heart to apologize for it?

 

is that right? is that fair? When your wrong, your wrong!

 

No...I can say that Jinxx absolutely does not have a self-esteem problem.

 

She just likes to deny that some people just simply can't resist advances from people other than their SO's or that they do it simply because it is new and exciting so as to appease her own reasons for cheating on her 2nd husband. She wasn't having every single little one of her needs met...so she saw it as her entitlement to go out and cheat.

[hardcase]

SC it's not about hiding from conflict or just shutting her out when she wants to get her feelings out or vs/vs because that is passive

agression. When a person has a need to communicate their frustartions/insecurities etc and in turn the other person gives them the silent treatment, refuses to discuss things, or simply walks out only making the other person more frustrated. That is passive agression. It is just as bad as engaging in agressive unfair low blow fighting. Both ends of the spectrums are bad. The fair way to fight, if you feel you are just too hot headed or too angry or simply too explosive at a particular time to enraged in a conversation is to take the time out but to commit to talking it out when the waters are calm. .

 

See here is the problem...I simply told her..."now you know how I feel"...I wasn't enraged when I said it..I was calm.

 

But YOU see rage and a fight as if I was ready to punch her or something.

 

I think you just have a real problem with man standing up for himself.

 

There was no rage with this fight....she raised her voice..I might have raised mine a bit...but so what? You accuse me of abuse and thinking I would like to smash her in the face with a plate.

[Tomcat33]

See here is the problem...I simply told her..."now you know how I feel"...I wasn't enraged when I said it..I was calm.

 

But YOU see rage and a fight as if I was ready to punch her or something.

 

I think you just have a real problem with man standing up for himself.

 

There was no rage with this fight....she raised her voice..I might have raised mine a bit...but so what? You accuse me of abuse and thinking I would like to smash her in the face with a plate.

 

 

That's where you are mistaking my comments, I said that your orifigan post sounds like abuse, in that you get pleasure from her insecurity that you are working out, the fact that it turned into a fight only solidifies that there was not sort of reassurance on your part towards her as to why you go to the gym, had there been there would have been no fight, unless she is utterly insane.

c'mon SC if you really made her feel reassured that you are not going to cheat, that you work out for you and you displayed no show of "HA how do you like it now...suffer!" then why did she continue fighting with you? If she is that crazy and on top of it a cheater, what the heck are you doing with this woman?

[hardcase]

In her place... I'd refuse it too.

 

Thats because you have something to hide.

 

If I cheated on her and was distrought with the thought of losing her, and the only way she'd believe me that I don't want to do it again, is if I took a LDT. I'd be happy to do it. Small price to pay to keep someone you claim to love.

 

It's offensive. If my spouse needs a lie detector test in order to take my word, I don't WANT him anymore. If he's going to try to FORCE me down the path of resentment, all I can do at that point is step off the beaten path.

 

No..whats offensive is the fact she has cheated and lied..and is continuing to lie.

 

You know, there are WORSE things than infidelity. IMHO, nurturing hatred and bitterness is one of them. I wouldn't voluntarily allow someone to put me in that position.

 

 

Did you cheat on your spouse?

 

 

You might feel like you have your wife buffaloed, HC.... that she doesn't realize how negative your feelings for her have become.

 

I'm not "buffaloing" anyone. She knows how I feel...I just choose to pack it in and bottle it up. Pretty easy really...first thing I do when I get home is play with my boys for about an hour..fix dinner when its my turn...and after that...I'm pretty much at ease.

 

But trust me..she knows how I feel. She knows I am not forcing her to take a LDT, but she also knows I don't believe her and never will as long as I know she is lying.

So really....the LDT was an issue brought up when this all was first found out. I have accepted the fact that she is lying and I cannot make her tell the truth. I also know that she is not willing to take a LDT to prove to me that she isn't lying....because she has something to hide.

 

And that's probably true to some extent. But, this IS emotional distancing, and on some level, she's gonna feel it in her heart that something's not right. You're denying her what was promised... to "love and cherish".

 

WHAT???? you've got to be kidding me right? She cheats...and I am the one being seen as not loving and cherishing the marriage I thought I had?

This is a joke right?

 

She'll only have two choices once she comes to a full waking realization of what your true feelings are. The wise choice would be to leave you. The alternative would be to continue trying to make the best of a bad job.

 

Or...she could start telling me the truth...she could come clean with everything...I suspect that she thinks that if she comes clean...that I will file for divorce. But if she truly is telling me the truth..there's only that one way to prove it since she has given me a reason not to believe one word that comes out of her mouth.

 

People can't change the past. And to be honest if we're still talking about an incident that preceded the marriage... I can't agree that fidelity is strictly owed to a partner until after the vows are spoken. This might just be one woman's opinion... but I find 'marriage to be a more formal agreement, a sacrament, the difference between a handshake and a contract. That's why it's called "marriage" and not "dating".

 

first off...I highly believe she cheated during marriage. The more than likely possibility of her cheating when staying out til 4am when clubbing with her friends made a little too much sense after I found out about her cheating before marriage.

 

And cheating before marriage does NOT mitigate the betrayal one iota. My ring was on her finger...we were engaged.

 

Fact:...she cheated when we were engaged...didn't have the intestinal fortitude to come clean before we were married so I would have a choice in the matter.

 

So, while I'd agree that it's not nice for people to renege on their "handshake"... I can't subscribe to holding somebody's feet to the fire for the rest of their natural life over it. I'm not saying this to minimize your feelings on the issue... but rather to illustrate that I take those VOWS seriously. If memory serves... in your case, they hadn't been made yet.

 

doesn't matter...we were engaged. You don't say you love someone, then turn around and f#ck someone else.

And I believe highly that she did cheat while married...in one way or another.

 

And whose to say it will be for life? Its only been 8 months.

 

But, I WILL have to carry the burden of thinking about what she did for the rest of my life. Even is things get back to some sort of normalcy..I will always remember what she did. This is the private hell I will bear from here on out. Knowing that...it amazes me that people defend her thinking she shouldn't pay consequences for her actions. I am suppose to "get over it" and she is suppose to get off scott free.

 

Anyway, you're not the only person ever, who in hindsight... regretted their choice of partner. The difference is that NOW you probably feel like you have a better excuse than most. Honestly though... if this "venting" you do here at LS is what's really lurking in your heart, then your vows are BROKEN. You ain't exactly lovin' and cherishin'.

 

The vows were broken because of what she has done during the marriage as well.....and the "vows" you speak of didn't mean a damn thing since we were at the alter and she was muttering those words with her dirty little secret. My "vows" were a lie.

[hardcase]

This post should be a sticky on this board. Utterly brilliant.

 

Yup..utterly brilliant Ripples...she cheated...but somehow, I'm the as$hole

[Tomcat33]

There was no rage with this fight....she raised her voice..I might have raised mine a bit...but so what? You accuse me of abuse and thinking I would like to smash her in the face with a plate.

 

 

Your wording is double standard look at how you describe the situation...

 

She RAISED her voice, I MIGHT HAVE raised mine a bit. don't you see you are always accusing her, her her...where does your responsibility come into play in all of this? And you ARE responsible for the dynamic that is created today, even if you cannot see it now, you will some day.

[hardcase]

The vows were broken because of what she has done during the marriage as well.....and the "vows" you speak of didn't mean a damn thing since we were at the alter and she was muttering those words with her dirty little secret. My "vows" were a lie.

 

Correction...the "vows" SHE spoke were a lie.

[hardcase]

Your wording is double standard look at how you describe the situation...

 

She RAISED her voice, I MIGHT HAVE raised mine a bit. don't you see you are always accusing her, her her...where does your responsibility come into play in all of this? And you ARE responsible for the dynamic that is created today, even if you cannot see it now, you will some day.

 

You don't read very well....I said she raised hers I might have raised mine..or I could say I did raise mine...then I followed it up by saying "so what?".

 

In other words...people fight...big deal. It has nothing to do with her responsibility or mine in the fight....it had to do with the rest of that comment where you called me an abuser because we had a fight.

 

 

Got it now?

[Tomcat33]

You don't read very well....I said she raised hers I might have raised mine..or I could say I did raise mine...then I followed it up by saying "so what?".

 

In other words...people fight...big deal. It has nothing to do with her responsibility or mine in the fight....it had to do with the rest of that comment where you called me an abuser because we had a fight.

 

 

Got it now?

 

 

I don't read very well? Did Inot quote you verbatum?

 

one more time:

 

she raised her voice..I might have raised mine a bit...but so what

 

Notice the words you choose, assertive when reassuring what she did, flaky when describing your actions. Did you or did you not raise your voice? What's this "I might have...." don't you know?

 

The point being, you accuse her of her actions and don't seem to take fullr responisbility for yours.

[greengoddess]

And that isn't because she doesn't have an education or can't work...she's just plain lazy. Thats not meant to be mean...its just the truth. She doesn't want to work.

 

whoaah this may have already been addressed but i had to address this before I read anymore. You think staying home caring for a 2 and a 5 year old is being lazy? Maybe she likes caring for her OWN children instead of a daycare doing it.

[Tomcat33]

I don't read very well? Did Inot quote you verbatum?

 

one more time:

 

she raised her voice..I might have raised mine a bit...but so what

 

Notice the words you choose, assertive when reassuring what she did, flaky when describing your actions. Did you or did you not raise your voice? What's this "I might have...." don't you know?

 

The point being, you accuse her of her actions and don't seem to take full responsibility for yours.

 

 

that's verbatim, couldn't edit fast enough before next post..

[a4a]

HC I totally see your point.

 

And if it were me that cheated I would jump at the chance for a LDT, piss test, brain scan, even toe nail clipping testing to prove that I did not anything else. Anything to help ease the pain I caused you by my own stupidity and selfishness - If indeed I wanted to save the M and had nothing to hide.

 

I would admit to everything, do what you wanted me to..... just in hopes of reaching some ground where there is a possibility move things ahead.

 

But if she did this would you be willing to move forward?

 

Also I so agree with you on the pre marital or post marital cheating.... it does not matter if the M lic. was signed or not, she did indeed stand up and lie without giving you the benefit of knowing who you were really marrying.

 

That is so sad..... and I would imagine makes you feel like your M is a big fat lie.

 

I agree..... that was rotten and trickery IMHO.

 

Add on the late nights........ pretty suspicious as well....she probably did dink around.

 

But now what do you really want to do about it? You are torturing yourself as well as her (not that I have much sympathy for her).

 

When do you get to feel happy again? You have to decide that.

 

If I were in your shoes, I don't think I would choose to forgive her. I would move on. That's me..... I know that there are plenty more fish in the sea. I don't have kids, but damn if I did I would not want to live with a spouse that I could not trust and do not love - that does not benefit the kids at all.

 

Good luck...... keep workin' out and gettin' buff!

(build your muscles and your life)

[Ladyjane14]

If I cheated on her and was distrought with the thought of losing her, and the only way she'd believe me that I don't want to do it again, is if I took a LDT. I'd be happy to do it. Small price to pay to keep someone you claim to love.

 

YOU might find it a "small price to pay"... but I would consider the price too high. To my mind, if I set a precedent in which I have to be connected to electrodes in order to be believed... there's nothing there worth having anyway.

 

See.. you have YOUR opinion. And I have MINE. Just like your wife has HERS. The fact that she doesn't agree with you, does not necessitate that she is lying.

 

Did you cheat on your spouse?

 

Did I commit adultery? No.

 

Did I treat him unfairly at times and with disregard to the meaning of my vows. Yes. I didn't always "love, honor, and cherish" like I should. In that respect, I left him with his ass hanging out, chained to a partner who had become more burden than joy.

 

 

WHAT???? you've got to be kidding me right? She cheats...and I am the one being seen as not loving and cherishing the marriage I thought I had?

This is a joke right?

 

No joke. If you're going to stay in the marriage... you need to be honoring YOUR commitment. You can only control YOU, no one else. Marriage isn't 50/50... it's 100/100. Just because she didn't bring her 100% doesn't absolve you of bringing yours. And if that's what you're doing... recognize it for what it is. Anything you do half-assed is just gonna end up half-assed.

 

And cheating before marriage does NOT mitigate the betrayal one iota. My ring was on her finger...we were engaged.

 

Again, my opinion differs. Maybe hers did too. How old was she at the time?

 

And whose to say it will be for life? Its only been 8 months.

 

Yeah, it takes as long as it takes. But every day that you're not searching for healing and forgiveness is another day closer to her 'running out of gas'. At some point, her "love tank" will be empty and it's possible that NOTHING you do will be enough to fill it again. Someday, you may lose your choice in this.

 

 

This is the private hell I will bear from here on out.

 

You better learn to love it then... 'cause YOU are actively choosing it at this point. If you refuse healing, you CHOOSE hurting.

 

It's true that we don't forget. But we do have a choice of how we're going to deal with the information. We can reconcile it and make it something useful that we've learned... or hold it in our hands like worry-beads.

 

If you make NO EFFORT to resolve these feeling and heal your marriage... nothing will change.

 

Knowing that...it amazes me that people defend her thinking she shouldn't pay consequences for her actions. I am suppose to "get over it" and she is suppose to get off scott free.

 

The crux of the matter... crime and punishment. You'd rather be her warden than her lover. That's sad, dude.

 

 

 

 

 

(Thanks for the good word, Ripples... :love: )

[Ripples]

Yup..utterly brilliant Ripples...she cheated...but somehow, I'm the as$hole

You said it, not me

[michelangelo]

 

People can't change the past. And to be honest if we're still talking about an incident that preceded the marriage... I can't agree that fidelity is strictly owed to a partner until after the vows are spoken. This might just be one woman's opinion... but I find 'marriage to be a more formal agreement, a sacrament, the difference between a handshake and a contract. That's why it's called "marriage" and not "dating".

 

So, while I'd agree that it's not nice for people to renege on their "handshake"... I can't subscribe to holding somebody's feet to the fire for the rest of their natural life over it. I'm not saying this to minimize your feelings on the issue... but rather to illustrate that I take those VOWS seriously. If memory serves... in your case, they hadn't been made yet.

 

So if an engaged person gets a pass for screwing someone other than their fiancee because, well, the relationship has not been formalized by anything other than their word and expensive ring, what is the time frame for this "pass?"

 

What if a lady were banging the best man in the coat closet at the church an hour before the ceremony?

 

Would that be something that doesn't wash?

 

It seems to me that ANYTHING can be forgiven but the idea of keeping an affair secret from one's fiancee is just wrong. It is the height of selfishness to prevent someone you profess to love from having the chance to really know what they are getting into and either cancel the wedding or find a way to move forward if they can.

 

It is far more than dating to be engaged.

[Ripples]

HC I totally see your point.

 

And if it were me that cheated I would jump at the chance for a LDT, piss test, brain scan, even toe nail clipping testing to prove that I did not anything else. Anything to help ease the pain I caused you by my own stupidity and selfishness - If indeed I wanted to save the M and had nothing to hide.

 

I would admit to everything, do what you wanted me to..... just in hopes of reaching some ground where there is a possibility move things ahead.

 

But if she did this would you be willing to move forward?

 

And that's the question, isn't it? Judging by HC/SC's posts it would seem that any amount of tests, disclosure, transparency would ever be enough. He doesn't want to make his marriage work and it would seem he comes here to be validated for using passive/aggressive behaviour to make his wife's life hell. Two wrongs don't make a right.

[Tomcat33]

I would have to disagree, cheating is cheating vows or no vows. In SC's defence he wasn't given a choice to back out of the partnership knowing that she had lied to him, that's totally unfair.

 

So, while I'd agree that it's not nice for people to renege on their "handshake"... I can't subscribe to holding somebody's feet to the fire for the rest of their natural life over it. I'm not saying this to minimize your feelings on the issue...

 

But I also agree with that statement, at some point you have to choose to start to move on.

 

Also on the lie detector thing...I would say that once a person lies they must do everything in their power to reassure the other person even if it means relinquishing some of their privacy/freedom. But a lie detector test, gees who wants to get THAT inside someone's head? We all have feelings we don't wish to share, even when we absolutely adore someone....that's why were designed to carry feelings inside they were not meant to be shared unless we choose to on the outside, otherwise we would have been created with big neon signs that hang over us that display what we are thinking/feeling at each point in time. So a lie detector test seems awfully intrusive and extremely unatural.

[a4a]

And that's the question, isn't it? Judging by HC/SC's posts it would seem that any amount of tests, disclosure, transparency would ever be enough. He doesn't want to make his marriage work and it would seem he comes here to be validated for using passive/aggressive behaviour to make his wife's life hell. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

well if this allows him to let go and rid himself of the hurt...... so be it.

 

I don't see him cheating.... I only see him not forgiving.

 

His choice...... just like she had one.

 

It (M) will fail, if he continues on this path, but maybe that is what he wants in the long run. He is just kicking a few stones along the way to his destination.

 

He is only human too. Hurt and anger need to come out in some form for him. Perhaps it is part of his own healing process.

 

I don't feel sorry for her, I feel sorry for him, and how his actions are effecting him..... eventually he will have enough and ease up.

 

Until then..... let her squirm.

 

And let's get real ....... there is a good chance she was screwing around on those late nights. Not trying to fuel his fire, but reality is reality. She did not walk into this marriage with a pure track record.

 

Where is her remorse and willingness to make things right? I would be crawling on the floor begging for him to forgive me, willing to do anything to ease his worries and pain.