memorex1970 Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Hi all, Ive been seeing a lovely, almost perfect girl for about 7 months now. She is everything Ive ever looked for in a female partner and Im sure and hope I will settle with this person. I see her every day and spend most nights at hers as she only lives 5 minutes away. She has a little boy who is just short of 3 years old. Hes a cute kid but is very stroppy,doesnt stop crying wakes 2 or 3 times in the middle of the night and gets his own way with everything. His mum is VERY soft with him,she gives him just what he wants when he cries. He will cry just if he wants a drink or a biscuit,basically he cries for everything. Now,I understand his mum loves him dearly but I feel she gives him absolutely no disapline and I find this very difficult and frustrating. His constant crying and stroppy outbursts are starting to wear me down to the point where Im starting to avoid him and only going round when hes in bed. Im good to the little lad but he seems totally uninterested in me and ignores me often...no bond basically His dad is on the scene and has him often and there are no arguments or anything that the boy has seen or sees, infact his mother and I have never argued! I find it hard that he wakes 2/3 times every night as I have to get up at 5 most mornings and once Im awake I cant get back to sleep. Ive tried to tell his mum not to go running to him everytime he cries especially at night but I feel its not my place to say anything...I dont want this to ruin our relationship...help!
Baybee9404 Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Being a parent i have some questions for you about the child Does the child sleep in the same bed as the mother when you are not spending the night? If he does sleep in her bed when you are not around you have to understand that that child is not used to sleeping by himself and she needs to break him out of that habit before it gets even worse. my second questions is What kind of things does she do to give him his way? and if you want to settle with this girl she is a package deal and you have to love and treat that boy as if he was your own child. Sit down and talk to her about it. dont come off as if she is doing something wrong but say hey i know it is none of my business but i think the baby controls you because you give into him. Good luck
LoveLace Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Yea all you can do is sit down and talk to her. You have to honest about how this is effecting the relationship. Once she understands that it's making you want to be around less, she's more likely to try and do something about it...that or she'll disagree, but either way you need to try, because its obviously weighing on you. But also remember, it's a phase the child is going through, that he will hopefully grow out of before too long (with mom's help)...but don't be surprised if something about his next phase bothers you, too! That's kids for you. And mothers like to baby their babies for as long as they can, so tell her you understand that she wants him to need her...but he needs to be "disciplined", in a sense, so that he can learn to sleep all night without crying for her. Not only does he need her for nurturing, but also for learning and developing. And the child will not learn from getting what he wants at anytime.
che_jesse Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 One of the great things about haveing kids is that when you do you get to offically ignore all the parenting advice that people without kids feel the need to give you. Its not your kid, her kid is more inportant then you, and if you find it so difficult to coexist with a 3 year old maybe you should not be dateing women with small children. Its really not your place to tell her how to raise her child.
boshemia Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Parenting is a very personal thing, and as difficult as it is... putting in your two cents can have the opposite effect you desire. Placing the child in a position of control in the relationship isn't good either... If you sit down and tell her (in effect) that she is wrong, she is likely to give into him even more. People tend to be stubborn without even realizing it, even when we are wrong we tend to dig in our heels even further... wrong or not : ) I have had a lot of problems in my relationship when it comes to my kids. Let me correct that, my kids and I have excellent relationships, they are homeschooled, we are together as a family nearly 24-7, and have very few tensions... UNTIL their step-dad comes along. Then I sometimes feel like I am stuck in between him and my kids. Remember, the only person you can control (or change) is yourself. Changing yourself often causes changes in the other person as well. When you are there and have some control over the situation you can start by setting an example. If he is crying for a drink, bend down and tell him that you would be happy to get him a drink when he can ask for it politely. Talk directly to him, and be very friendly.... but don't give in to him until he calms down and asks nicely. If you let a child know that they aren't going to get anything unless they ask politely, they'll learn pretty quickly. Start bringing him treats or small gifts, and make him ask nicely before he can have them. Dog training principles really do work on people too, they respond well to positive reenforcement... negative reenforcement should be short, rare, and with love. As far as the waking up crying, that's a tough one... as long as he is getting his reward (mommy coming when he cries) there is no reason for him to stop. Perhaps sleeping at your own home on nights you have to work may encourage his Mom to be more firm in that area. This really isn't a kid problem, this is a mommy problem, and until you find a way to retrain Mommy you are in for a tough time. Ytr reenforcing her behavior as well... Good luck, and I feel for you... as both a Mom in the middle, and a step-mom it really is difficult territory.
nittygritty Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Wouldn't you find it disturbing to have a strange man suddenly sleeping with your Mom? What is "normal" 3 year old boy behavior? What has your girlfriend's son experienced in his 3 years of life? Is there a bio dad in the picture? Was there a previous boyfriend the child may have been attached too that is no longer in the picture? How much time does your girlfriend spend with her child? How often does the boy sleep in his bed in his room? Secondly, Mom is a packaged deal. The little boy's needs take priority over your needs always. Grow up!!! Don't come over and screw Mom if the boy doesn't sleep through the night. Your not committed to this woman in any real way other than 7 months of dating. You already resent the kid because you don't think she is strict enough??? What would you like her to do to the boy??? Leave this woman and her child alone!
boshemia Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 If however, as some have suggested... you see no future with her and you are only there for one thing, then no it isn't any of your business... you're just passing through. That's not the way I saw your post, if I'm mistaken I apologize. There have to be rules... The parent is supposed to set the rules not the child. There is nothing wrong with being concerned about it... especially if you see a future with her. Parenting styles are all different, but if you intend to share a life and a home with someone you have to come to some sort of agreement... I understood your post to mean that you are only worried about the differences in parenting styles because you actually see yourself having a long term future with this woman. In that case, I don't think you are being selfish at all. In parenting classes they teach you to never give in to a childs tantrums, giving in only give the child the idea that tantrums get you what you want... It's not about denying love, it's about denying demands... they are two different things. A child should never be denied love, but doing something negative to get positive attention only enforces negative behavior. As I said before a child waking up in the night is a difficult thing. All three of my kids were different. My oldest hardly ever woke up, my middle was a bit more demanding and my youngest was always in bed with me by morning... she's about to turn eight, and she still crawls in bed with me when she wakes up. I had an idea, after you mentioned that you have a child as well... why don't you see if there are any parenting classes you can attend together. It will give you both the opportunity to spend some time with the kids, and give you an opportunity to discuss the suggestions made in the class, but it will also give you some openings to discuss your concerns.
Author memorex1970 Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 Hi all thanks to those who sent constructive replies. I can take criticism but find it quite amusing when certain posters on here start the name calling....why am I a Jackass? LMFAO Why people have read too deeply into this post Ill never know...Ive been accused of resenting the boy...Im actually very fond of him,Im a Jackass, I should leave the Mum alone ect ect Nevermind...all I know is that his Mum and I are talking of marriage as Ive never felt so much for a Woman. It is very tough when Children are involved and I know I have to adjust and compromise which Im trying to do,its just been hard. Just so the non constructive posters know,this little lad has never lived with both parents,we have had more days out as a family than I can remember and basiaclly Im a good bloke. I dont want to interfere I just simply want everything to work out,Id never tell his Mum what to do but if two people have a future together,which we do,then things have to be worked at regarding children....all Im saying is that your kids must get away with murder...yikes:p Thanks again for everyones input...its really helped and made me feel much better. All the best
Touche Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 nitty, that was TOTALLY unwaranted. He's got perfectly legitimate points. I'm a mom AND a stepmom...many kids of divorce are spoiled. Sure sounds like this boy is. It's not uncommon and it's VERY difficult to deal with. Thank god, my H let me help him to break that pattern with my stepson. Do you recognize this spoiled brat behavior in your own kids? Is that why this all hit a nerve with you? Oh and nitty, we don't do like that here on LS. You might find yourself banned if you continue to attack a person who came for help.
Touche Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Just remember, kids grow up and they don't have to have anything to do with the people that made their lives miserable. Touche, You Have a Happy Mothers Day! Not sure what you're saying but my stepson IS grown-up now..he's almost 20 and he never fails to buy me a gift, on my b-day and Mother's Day. And he often calls me for advice from college too. I've been in his life since he was 7 and I love him like he's my own. So thanks, I will have a very happy Mother's Day. I wish you the same.
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