D-Lish Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 I am 36 and my new lover is 29. It started off as having fun.... I didn't want to start a serious relationship with this guy because I didn't believe that the age difference could be resolved. The more we spend time together- the more I see him growing attached to me- and me to him. We are worlds apart. I am divorced, independant, financially stable, I have two degrees and I run a business. He, on the other hand, lives at home with his parents- is struggling to pay off debt, never finished highschool, and is working a retail job that barely makes him enough money to keep a car running. Okay- I know what you're thinking- I'm being shallow... But that's not it. I don't think I've ever in my life been with a guy who I know would accept me for all that I am. I mean- the good and dark parts of me. He makes me laugh- he makes me feel good, and he treats me with a great amount of respect. What I am wondering.... is, do you think it's possible that a younger guy who may not have all his **** together may just be infatuated with an older chick who seems so "worldly and together"? It's just that, I can feel myself getting emotionally attached to him- and I know he is feeling the same way. I'm just worried that it will all wear off and I'm not being realistic here. Do relationships like this stand a chance? Do people from such different worlds and places in their lives actually make good partners? I'm confused now.... I just wanted to have some fun, and it's all messed up now with those pesky emotions...
Woggle Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Age differences can work but the fact that he still lives at home is what would worry me. If you two get serious you can end up taking the mommy role to him which will not be fun. My wife 15 years older than me but I have beenm on my own since 17 so it works because despite the age difference it is a relationship betwen equals.
sweetbutcheeky Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 As you said you started dating with just fun in mind, but you can't conrtol who you have feelings for. I honestly don't think age or other differences really matter, if he gives you the things you need then go with it and see how it turns out. As they say opposites attract and what is different you can teach each other. I don't think that would be a factor if it stands a chance or not. More if you give each other what you need. My last relationship (ex fiance) was with a man who was 7 years older and now I am with a guy who is 26 and I am 29. This guy is younger and divorced (wife cheated on him) so life happens, everyone is different and younger doesn't always mean in-mature. I find the guy who is 26 more mature that guys my age or older! Go figure! If you make each other happy go for it! If it wears off you know and weren't wondering what may have happened.
Trialbyfire Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 I have to agree with woggle on this. Be careful D-Lish. A guy who hasn't had any real life experience might end up to be more of a liability than an asset.
Starry-eyed Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 D Lish, I can kind of relate to your question, except the roles are reversed. Definitely makes you wonder if it will work out or if it's just a passing infatuation. 29 and 36 aren't that far apart. You probably share lots of cultural stuff (pop culture and stuff). Has he ever lived on his own? If not, that is worrisome, as is the not finishing high school. It's hard to get anywhere professionally without a high school diploma or at least a GED. A good sign might be if he has goals of his own and is not just complacent where he is. But have fun! I know it's hard when emotions get in the way screw things up. But just try to enjoy the time together, for however long it lasts. That's what I'm trying to do.
garnet Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 D-lish, I take it this is the guy from the store you posted about earlier. How did you guys end up finally getting together?
underpants Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Good for you. How long have you two been seeing each other? I was curious also if it was the grocery store boy? Anyway, I guess all I can say is to communicate with him. You two have a chemistry, however, the education thing and ambition thing at 29 would bug me a little. Is he mature? Talking about this might come off as motherly. Urgh...your right... those pesky realities... Well, there is a physical chemistry, but I guess now you are evaluating if there could be an intellectual one. I hope he surprizes you. If not, I know you will be okay. You are one level headed chick. I have just recently made a move on a younger man, 29 to my 37. I put it out there and have some mutual friends lighting some torches for me. We, shall see. He is really attractive, and a carpenter (oh, he could be my personal Jesus). Good luck...to both of us. Regards, Unders
Aloros Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 It all sounds very good, and the age difference isn't that bad. I would be more concerned in the differences at where you are in life. He's 29, never finished high school, still lives with his parents, is struggling to pay off debt, and barely has enough money to keep his car running. What does this say about his work ethic? It's one thing to never go to college and get involved in a vocational job that you're very passionate about...that's nothing to look down on. But to me it sounds like he's drifting, with little purpose to his life. I mean...he's 29! What does he want from life? Does he want to work in a retail store and live with his parents forever? If not, what is he doing to change his situation? What kind of future would you have with this man? Yes, he treats you well. Yes, he accepts and respects you. These are very good things. But what if you do develop a relationship and eventually get married...what happens then? You'll essentially be the breadwinner. Are you ok with that? What about him? He's living with his parents; what does he know about running a household? Is he a hard worker? Would he cook for you, support you, take care of the children? Would you have enough to talk about? Would you be able to bounce ideas off of him? Do YOU respect him? You are not being shallow. You are being practical. My last relationship didn't work mainly because he didn't have a good work ethic and we were at different stages of our lives. It's a big deal. I was fine with being the breadwinner, but he could never, just even once, have dinner ready for me when I got home. He was sweet, he made me laugh, but I was also stressed beyond belief being with him because he couldn't stay in school. He was late to work. He still had to abide by his parents' rules because he was still on their payroll. He avoided telling me the truth because he was too chicken-***** to do so. I became his mom. 5.5 years. What a waste. It is possible that this could work out, but please be entirely sure that he is what you want. Don't settle. Good luck!
Touche Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 To me, the age isn't the potential issue. I agree that what may be a problem is whether you are intellectually equal. Also, do you respect him? That's very important too. It sounds like he respects you and likes you for you. Why not give this a chance and go with the flow but keeping your wits about you as much as you can. Enjoy it.
Lizzie60 Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 I see no problems... that's hardly an age difference... I would see a problem when there is 15 yrs and more... I had 12 yrs difference with my last ex... At first I was not comfortable but after a while I didn't see any difference. He was 32 and I was 45 when we started. I can't see any long term with an age difference from 16 and more years... on either side.
Pyro Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 To me, the age isn't the potential issue. I agree that what may be a problem is whether you are intellectually equal. Also, do you respect him? That's very important too. It sounds like he respects you and likes you for you. Why not give this a chance and go with the flow but keeping your wits about you as much as you can. Enjoy it. I agree with this, but he needs to get his act together, otherwise like someone else mentioned, through time it may start to feel like a mother/son relationship. You need him to give you as much as you give him.
burning 4 revenge Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 I agree with this, but he needs to get his act together, otherwise like someone else mentioned, through time it may start to feel like a mother/son relationship. You need him to give you as much as you give him.A mother/son relationship? They are seven years apart.That's madness
Pyro Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 A mother/son relationship? They are seven years apart.That's madness The age isn't a big deal IMO, but she needs to be with someone who can hold his end of the relationship up in all aspects.
Aloros Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 A mother/son relationship? They are seven years apart.That's madness Not necessarily. My ex was a year older than I was, and towards the end, I was really starting to feel like his mother. I paid for most things, since I had the money. I nagged him to get his act together, to show up to work on time, to do his homework, to be honest to his friends and family, etc. At the end I had been bugging him for MONTHS to find out when he was going to graduate. He kept putting me off by saying he had to go see a counselor, making an appointment, canceling the appointment, making another one, etc. I finally had to sit down with him, pull out his catalog, and show him how to do what he could have done himself, sans counselor. This is not about age. This is about maturity and the stages of life they are in. From the guy's background, he sounds like he hasn't really "grown up". THAT is what I'm warning the OP to be wary of.
burning 4 revenge Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Well I'm 32 and incredibly immature, but no forty year old woman would ever feel like a mother to me, no matter how much more together she was. She'd just be more together, that's all. I already have a mother and shes' sixty and never had sex.
jcster Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 My ex was a year older than I was, and towards the end, I was really starting to feel like his mother. I paid for most things, since I had the money. I nagged him to get his act together, to show up to work on time, to do his homework, to be honest to his friends and family, etc. At the end I had been bugging him for MONTHS to find out when he was going to graduate. He kept putting me off by saying he had to go see a counselor, making an appointment, canceling the appointment, making another one, etc. I finally had to sit down with him, pull out his catalog, and show him how to do what he could have done himself, sans counselor. Yah know - a few years ago I'd be empathizing with you right now. But...one only feels like a mother (or father) when one takes that role on themselves. It's about mutual respect, and letting your S.O. live their own lives. If he doesn't want to do his homework...his problem. I spent 10 years "babying" my ex husband - and you know what? I resented it, he hated it, and we are divorced. D-Lish - You and your new guy seem like you are at different stages in your life. It's going to take a lot of mutual respect and healthy boundaries for your relationship to work. You might need to scale back on some things so that you don't end up paying for everything (it's very tough on the guy), and since he's never been married, he might not understand some of your issues. Good luck!
Author D-Lish Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 D-lish, I take it this is the guy from the store you posted about earlier. How did you guys end up finally getting together? hi Garnet- Nope, different guy all together that I met on a dating site. I never did pursue the other guy- it was just too complicated to do so. You have a great memory...
Author D-Lish Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 D-Lish - You and your new guy seem like you are at different stages in your life. It's going to take a lot of mutual respect and healthy boundaries for your relationship to work. You might need to scale back on some things so that you don't end up paying for everything (it's very tough on the guy), and since he's never been married, he might not understand some of your issues. Good luck
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