goodmom Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Many of you have followed my story, so I will not go over my history, other than I discovered 7 months ago that my husband had been having an affair with a woman he met from a theatre group. We attempted to pick up the pieces, with her still in the picture. Three months ago he left for three days. He came home and we have attempted to reconcile, with NC and marriage counseling. Things have not been smooth sailing, but I knew that it was going to be hard work and was going to take time. I had figured out his email password and the password to his cellphone. As far as I could tell from those two devices, he has not had contact with the OW. I certainly do not know about his office phone or email. Probably. Anyway, I checked his email this morning, and found an email to his best friend that was a draft of a letter to the OW. At first, I thought it was a goodbye letter. Not. (Edited for names and workplace) 1. I think about you every minute--have since I met you. You are the love of my life. 3. Getting finances in order. 5. Family vacation in June--things have to go well for this. 6. I am trying to put my life in order--building courage. 7. I need to know if I still have a "chance" with you. I've really been a real f----- to you and I am so so sorry. I never meant to hurt you, and have never hurt anyone quite like I did you...your phone messages deservedly haunt me to my inner being. No matter what happens I do not ever know that I will ever be able to forgive myself for what I have done...but I'm trying. 8. I agree with you....there is no way I could ever be just "friends" with you...the attraction is life long. 9. I agree with you...and wanted to tell you this in March...there is no way I can see you until I am separted from (my wife). THAT was ripping me and I can't ever see you both at the same time. 10. I love you. I love you (OW name). So, the horse is dead. My last post about WH coming home did not get a good reception, so I quit posting. I had 22 years invested in this relationship, with 2 children. My health insurance, life insurance, car--are all through WS. But I cannot give up my soul for him to stay. #7 above just about did me in--what about me? But then, there is no me, is there? Thanks for listening.
silentcharon Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 9. I agree with you...and wanted to tell you this in March...there is no way I can see you until I am separted from (my wife). THAT was ripping me and I can't ever see you both at the same time. This would have done me in. I'm so sorry, hun, that's really tough. Do what you feel is the best for you, I wish you good luck.
whichwayisup Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Atleast you won't be wasting anymore time on him. He's a big fool and one day he's going to be full of regret... I am sorry that it all unfolded this way. And I'm sorry that you're in pain. Talk to a lawyer, make sure he pays child and spousal support.
4whatItsWorth Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 What a nightmare. Good you realise that you and your soul and heart deserves so much more better than this!
LakesideDream Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 I would have preferred that you beat the horses ass while he was still alive.. however, if it works for you. Seriously, Congratulations. Sometimes it's harder to break away from people who are bad for you than you might expect. Show this clod the door. Good luck, you have a long hard pull ahead.
lonelybird Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 That's hurts! Can you go to a vacation? some beautiful place? give yourself a wonderful time, apart from all of these crap! maybe when you have a wonderful time, and begin to have shiny smile on your face, your husband would feel it is his LOSS. The best solution I can think of is "treat yourself well and live your life best":)
Ladyjane14 Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Geez Goodmom... what a kick in the gut. :( Twenty-two years and then THIS. You know, for anybody who's spent in excess of two decades with the same partner, I think what we can universally identify with most is the investment of TIME. The thought of so many good years spent with someone who turns out to be unworthy of that investment... well, it's just a "kick in the gut" is all I can say. Your WH hasn't had to face any consequences for his choices. He's been 'eating cake' all this time. Unfortunately, "cake-eaters" will just continue to eat cake until it's taken off their plate. You sound like you've reached the "Plan D" (divorce) decision in regards to the marriage. I can't blame you a bit... I'd have done the same. But I think the Marriagebuilders "Plan B" can be incorporated into that decision and offer you a bit more insulation from the chaos and pain. You can get an overview by typing into your browser "what are plan a and plan b, marriagebuilders", and you can get a more detailed explanation from Harley's book, Surviving An Affair. You've been better to him than he deserved, Goodmom. I think a really dark "Plan B" would lay the 'smack-down' on him. The contrast between having a loving, supportive wife and then being completely shut out would be HUGE. But the more pertinent factor is that creating this distance will break the daily cycle of pain you're in and allow you a chance to start the healing process. I know taking this step has got to be one of the most difficult and challenging things you've ever faced in life... and you've got to be wondering if he's just going to go on his merry way, never realizing what he's lost. But if it comforts you at all... I really do think that you're better off NOT being used like some kind of commodity. The fine qualities that make YOU unique and special, your individuality, have been completely disrespected over the course of months and months. That has to stop. You can't begin regaining your joy in life until it does. Meanwhile, the odds are AGAINST him making something good and fine with the OW. You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear right? They're just a couple of cheaters, living their lives without integrity. Sounds like a "sow's ear" to me.
Guest Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Thanks, Ladyjane14. A lot of things became clear to me after found the email yesterday. Any pain and guilt he has felt the last few weeks has not been because of what he had done to me, or our marriage, or is going to do to our children. He has been hurting because of what he did to the OW, and I can't live with that. In all these months, he has expressed NO REMORSE over his affair and relationship with her. NONE. So, I am done. We have a family cruise (his!!!!!!) in three weeks which the kids are looking forward to, and some financial things to get in order. I also worry about the pain this is going to cause so many other people. I checked his cell this morning. He just couldn't wait. He and the OW text messaged each other all night with wonderful words of endearment.
Wibble Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 I'm with LJ on this. It looks like he is exhibiting classic "fogged" behaviour, desperately trying to connect his "fantasy" world to the "real" world that has suddenly turned so hostile. Plan B him, give it plenty of time, and wait until he is thinking clearly.
Ruby Tuesday Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Pack lots of suntan lotion and rat poison. the rat bastard
Frances Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 3. Getting finances in order. Get your finances in order 5. Family vacation in June--things have to go well for this. Is he planing a holiday with you? Better off to see to yourself 6. I am trying to put my life in order--building courage. Never mind his life in order, Try to get something right for yourself 7. I need to know if I still have a "chance" with you. Sounds like he wants to hedge his bets Have you told him you know about this email? It would be better if he does not know and you take this time to see to matters to help yourself what ever way you can to have some security. I wish you courage.
Author goodmom Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 No--he does not know that I know about the email. I confronted him with somethings in the email--but put into my own words. I checked his cell this morning. He and the OW spent hours last night texting terms of endearment to each other. They even have pet names. Isn't that special. Not once did he ever show me one ounce of remorse--but he sure has spent the last several weeks moping around here because her feelings were hurt when he "said" he wanted to try and reconcile.
NoIDidn't Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Tell him what you found. I am all for it, but then again I am NOT a conflict avoider. LOL. Goodmom Tell him you saw the email. Tell him to get out. Tell him he no longer has to leave the door open for her just in case. Tell him you are shutting the door on HIM. He will get angry. He will accuse you of invading his privacy. He will call you names. He will mean it all in that moment because he doesn't like being caught. And just like before, he will run home. Now is the time to decide what you really want. Because he will beg, and cry, and beg, and cry some more. More than you have ever seen and it will SEEM sincere. And DO the dark Plan B. It is an AWE inspiring thing when done right. Don't call or accept his calls. Only talk about what is pertinent. No arguing. No small talk. Nothing besides what is necessary. And no telling him why you are going to be that way. A dark Plan B is all about showing him what it will be like to no longer have an "IN" with you. He is no longer your concern in this kind of Plan B. And it IS empowering. I am so sorry for your pain. I hope you take him to the cleaners, though.
Author goodmom Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 I think I am past the point of Plan B. This will be the third discovery of contact since October, hence the "dead horse." It is early morning, and I cannot sleep. His cell phone just beeped on the counter--a text message from the OW. Sweet dreams, darling.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I think you should see a good divorce lawyer and get your bases covered. Find out what your settlement will be, and have papers drawn up and then sign them. Print out the email. When your husband is out of the house, pack up his stuff in boxes and stack them by the door. When he gets home, he will be confused. Sit him down, and hand him the email. As soon as he looks up from the paper the email is printed on, hand him the divorce papers, ask him to sign them and then get out of the house, and to take his sh*t with him when he goes. Keep your emotions in check. At this point, you want to come across as icy and professional. Refuse to discuss anything with him at this point. Make it perfectly clear that since OW is in his life, you are leaving his. Period. Then, leave the room. Lock yourself in the bedroom if you have to, but do not get into any sort of discussion with him right now. You have to show him that you aren't bluffing or f*cking around. You are giving HIM the boot, not the other way around. Then, do a 180 on him. A firm 180. I expect he will be in shock, and backpedal furiously.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I think I am past the point of Plan B. This will be the third discovery of contact since October, hence the "dead horse." Utilizing a "Plan B" approach doesn't necessarily mean the you're trying to save the marriage. Instead, you can incorporate that technique into your divorce strategy and insulate yourself from the daily chaos and pain. Goodmom, unless there's more than what you've posted... this guy hasn't had any REAL consequences to deal with. There's been no impetus for him to change his behavior or get off the fence. I'm in agreement with NID and LucreziaBorgia... see an attorney, confront him, and put him out. The only other alternative to that is to turn a blind eye on the affair and learn to live with your husband having a mistress. Meanwhile, see your doctor for a depression screening. It's not unheard of for people to become depressed from this kind of stress. Stress on the mind often results in stress on the body.
Hard2Think Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 There is maybe another incomprehensible side to all this. On face value, it seems as though he's planning his exit and is fooling you. But here's the incomprehensible part: He may well be fooling with her ..I say that because that's what I did. I didn't see it quite that way at the time, but now with some distance I realize what it was. The OW was putting incredible pressure on me to leave my wife. I so addicted to sex with OW, that I really didn't want it to end - so I said whatever I had to to delay the inevitable. It's not that I didn't want to leave my wife. I did. But at the same time I didn't. I wavered in my mind many times and O really just wanted to postpone the whole thing. I would have been happy with the cake and to leave it at that.What stuck me is what your H said about vacation. It's complete BS, I think. He's somehow making the OW think his going on vacation with you and the kids is some part of the master plan. But in reality - I think he just wants to go on vacation with you and knows that not going is a shot across the bow, so to speak. I told my OW I was going on vacation with the family and that's what prompted her to force a D-Day. Obviously your H handled the OW better with this.He, like me - is saying whatever he has to so that he can be with OW just a little longer. But there is a very good chance that when the day comes, he'll back out of going to her. Either he'll make another excuse or he may even go to her for a week before realizing it was all a mistake.I guess what I'm trying to say is that as much as you see his messaging as being a con towards you - I'd bet money that he's really conning OW right now. "Getting the finances straight" was my delaying excuse with OW as well.But to break the cycle - you definitely do have to cut him off of support. I agree 100% with LJ on this. Close the door on him and act almost happy for him is his new life. It's my bet that he'll drop OW like a hot potato if he thinks he'll lose you for good.
Author goodmom Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 I have been going to IC, and that person suggested a physical. I have one scheduled. LJ, I will not live with my husband having a mistress--and at this point I do not have to. He chose her over me. I am also at such a point of exhaustion that I do not want to fight for him anymore. She can have him. All I ever wanted was to keep my family together--all these weeks I thought the good and decent man I thought I married would come to his senses. I know now that is not going to be the case.
RecoverMe Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 GM- You are tired and want this nightmare to end. Who can blame you after all you've been through? I think he needs it spelled out to him in black and white, like LB mapped out so nicely for you. You won't regret it and it may help you to feel empowered over the situation somewhat. I'm sensing that he will panic and be forced to really think about what he is about to do. I know you are feeling so much sorrow about the family break up, I know it's devastating, but he cannot continue this route with you attached to him in any way anymore. You are at a crossroads my dear; do what you feel is best for you. And try and take a nap if you get a chance! You'll need it to be more clear and strong.
Guest Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 I just found out that my husband of over 20 years had an affair with a women for over 3 years. It ended over a year a ago because she gave him the ultimatum to leave me and the kids-like she did to her family. He told her he would consider leaving me when my son graduates this year but then changed the story to wouldn't leave me until our other son graduates in 6 years. To me, it sounds like he wasn't planning on leaving. He likes having the whore mistress on the road and me at home. We are telling the children about this next week and I hope my kids hate him for what he did.
Frances Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 I just found out that my husband of over 20 years had an affair with a women for over 3 years. It ended over a year a ago because she gave him the ultimatum to leave me and the kids-like she did to her family. He told her he would consider leaving me when my son graduates this year but then changed the story to wouldn't leave me until our other son graduates in 6 years. To me, it sounds like he wasn't planning on leaving. He likes having the whore mistress on the road and me at home. It maybe the stories that men tell the OW, so it may be similar to what goodmom's husband is doing. We are telling the children about this next week and I hope my kids hate him for what he did. Why are you bringing the kids into something that is between the two of you? You do not really want the kids to hate him as it would damage them, it is your justifiable hurt that is getting to you. I know what that feels like. You need to vent your feelings but please not to the kids. I wish you luck
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