Overcoming the fear of rejection?

[monkey00]

I think that is my problem. The more rejection I receive, the more I am to become reluctant in speaking with females entirely. The skin may become thick, but it also becomes bitterness for my qualities.

 

While I agree with the others that you have to build a tolerance for rejection and see it as a stepping stone to the bigger picture, never forget that dating is a numbers game. there will be some that like you and some that dont. Back on your quote, a very easy method I use with women is I go in and approach with little or no expectation. Hell I can even expect them to reject me.

 

My point being is that when you build high expectations and it doesnt turn out the way you want, one can become easily disappointed (in oneself). They often say "we find happiness when we arent looking for it". And that quote is very true.

 

So go in and enjoy approaching women for the sake of knowing it will be fun and you can build your confidence just by interacting with them. Realize that there are no strings attached and she's not obligated to give you her # or even accept your date invitation either. Dont try so hard, women dont like pushy guys they like guys who knows how to enjoy life. So go in and expect the least, but be surprised if more comes out of it!

[Meka]

Sigh.... Sometimes I feel like no one understands what I'm talking about.

[Green]

this probably is RossK, or in the least they battle the same demons with in themselves.

[johan]

You should never care about rejection. It doesn't make a lot of difference what some woman you've zeroed in on thinks of you. Not if you know in your heart you're fine. If care so much that she accepts you, then that's probably because that's the only acceptance you're getting in your life. The most important acceptance to get is what you give yourself. If you have that, then "rejection" from a woman can be taken more objectively. It's not such a big deal.

 

No woman wants to be your sole source of validation. Women want to know that you consider yourself valid and that you believe in yourself. They need that strength, in order to put themselves completely in your hands. They can tell when you don't have faith in yourself, and then they find it hard to have faith in you enough to attach themselves to you.

 

It can't be faked. It has to be real. You need to work on that.

[Meka]

Again. It's like no one seems to understand what I'm talking about here.

 

Example: I see girl A in the morning on the train, say Good morning to her. No response. Later that day, come punch out from work, see girl A standing for the bus, some guy pulls up in Lexus or what-ever have you for upper class four wheels, she pulls out the cell phone, locks his number in. Instant success for him. Me, I'm left with not even a response as if I'm not relevant.

 

Girl B, I give up my seat on the train for her and also give her my local my newspaper as well. No response. No thank you, no good morning back, nothing.

 

Girl C, I wait for the Bus and girl C is also waiting. Sunday is the day I have the option of having an additional person ride with you for free. I allow Girl C to ride with me for free. No thank you, no reply, nothing. Will she flirt with another patron who is considered to be tough or bad boy? Yup.

 

Girl D, Met her in Pharmacology course at a school. Try to strike up a conversation about academic studies, again. Barely any response. If at all whisper. Some guy waiting on the outside school in a acura gives her a cat call, and just like that, they exchange numbers. For me? Rejected, again.

 

Girl E, Goes to the same Community college as me. But, rather than reply back to my simple hello. Rather to talk and hang out with the Varsity jock. Wouldn't give me a chance regardless of my academic resume.

 

Girl F, offered my assistance to bring her Groceries up the flight of stairs. Not even a thank you. But, later on she has no problem talking to the local dope dealer down the corner. Again.

 

Girl G, Raining while waiting for the Bus. I allow her to stand under my umbrella. Talk a short bit until the Bus comes, and poof completely ignores any more conversation from me. Amazingly enough, she has no problem arguing with some guy over her Nextel 2-way radio about him not picking her up or using profanity against her. Again, rejected.

 

Girl H, Wants to only talk to guys who can "provide" for her. But, because I don't have a vehicle and use public transportation to get my destinations, I'm profiled of being 'broke' regardless of my occupational position, academic background the focus of my career. Not even a simple Hi in reply to me.

 

I can keep going on, but I would hope that at least one person could relate to exactly what I've been saying. If a female wants to talk, she will talk. I can not force her in any way to talk. 99% of the women are exactly like this. I came to the conclusion earlier that if she says she wants X guy, that is educated, has a job, etc, then she will approach said guy. If she doesn't, then she's just not interested.

[dgiirl]

 

Example: I see girl A in the morning on the train, say Good morning to her. No response. Later that day, come punch out from work, see girl A standing for the bus, some guy pulls up in Lexus or what-ever have you for upper class four wheels, she pulls out the cell phone, locks his number in. Instant success for him. Me, I'm left with not even a response as if I'm not relevant.

 

Girl B, I give up my seat on the train for her and also give her my local my newspaper as well. No response. No thank you, no good morning back, nothing.

 

Girl C, I wait for the Bus and girl C is also waiting. Sunday is the day I have the option of having an additional person ride with you for free. I allow Girl C to ride with me for free. No thank you, no reply, nothing. Will she flirt with another patron who is considered to be tough or bad boy? Yup.

 

Girl D, Met her in Pharmacology course at a school. Try to strike up a conversation about academic studies, again. Barely any response. If at all whisper. Some guy waiting on the outside school in a acura gives her a cat call, and just like that, they exchange numbers. For me? Rejected, again.

 

Girl E, Goes to the same Community college as me. But, rather than reply back to my simple hello. Rather to talk and hang out with the Varsity jock. Wouldn't give me a chance regardless of my academic resume.

 

Girl F, offered my assistance to bring her Groceries up the flight of stairs. Not even a thank you. But, later on she has no problem talking to the local dope dealer down the corner. Again.

 

Meka, it sounds like you go out of your way to do "nice" deeds for complete strangers and then expect something in return. When they dont return, you feel rejected. This is what the "nice" guy stereotypically does. He tries to bribe people with niceness expecting something in return. Noone likes to feel obligated, so most girls will find this a turn off. Why dont you do nice deeds purely when you WANT to as opposed to hoping to get a return from it? When you do things because you want to, as opposed to hoping for a return from it, then the act of doing what you want brings you pleasure.

 

Also, from what you've written, I assume you dont know these girls very well, and with a few of these girls, I bet they know the other guy. So of course they would be more hesitant to talk to you (stranger) than their friends. Or, you are going after the wrong type of girl. Maybe they are greedy and self-centered, and you are internalizing their faults. Not everything is about you. Just because someone ignores you, doesnt mean it's about YOU.

 

 

Girl G, Raining while waiting for the Bus. I allow her to stand under my umbrella. Talk a short bit until the Bus comes, and poof completely ignores any more conversation from me. Amazingly enough, she has no problem arguing with some guy over her Nextel 2-way radio about him not picking her up or using profanity against her. Again, rejected.

 

I think your expectations are WAY TOO HIGH. Wow, you offer a complete stranger to stand under your umbrella and she takes the invitation (good sign) and chats with you (another good sign). I think this would have been a success even if it was a brief interaction with no exchange of phone numbers, yet instead of focusing on this little successful interaction, you keep expecting MORE. Did you expect her to ride all the way to work with you too? Were you going to get off the next stop and elope?

 

This was a very good interaction, and instead of letting it boost your esteem, you keep looking for more. You've lost focus on the little things. You've lost appreciation for the small things and this is why you are so unhappy. It has nothing to do with any of these girls. It has everything to do with what YOU focus on. Your thoughts determine your own happiness.

 

For me, if I was that girl, I would have thought Wow, what a nice guy. He offered me his umbrella and we had a friendly chat. It would have boosted my esteem. Chances of me exchanging numbers with him would have been almost next to nil, but I would have appreciated the moment for what it was, and if I saw him again, I'd consider talking to him again _if_ I recognized him. Why would I have not exchanged numbers? Simply because he was a stranger, and that's not my style. I dont go to bars either because that's not my style. This has absolutely NOTHING to do with the guy, and everything to do with my own comfortzone.

 

Girl H, Wants to only talk to guys who can "provide" for her. But, because I don't have a vehicle and use public transportation to get my destinations, I'm profiled of being 'broke' regardless of my occupational position, academic background the focus of my career. Not even a simple Hi in reply to me.

 

Once again, you are internalizing someone else's faults. She is the one with the problem here, not you. Why do you feel rejected when clearly she's greedy and self-centered. I'd consider yourself lucky for escaping that bullet.

 

 

I can keep going on, but I would hope that at least one person could relate to exactly what I've been saying.

 

ALL of us can relate VERY well to what you are saying. Stop being so arrogant and thinking you are so unique. We know what the problem is and a lot of us have been in your shoes at one point or another. We also know what helped for us. You have to let go of your pride. You have to let go of your arrogance and stop thinking that every little action from another person is a direct reaction to YOU, not everything IS about you. People ARE allowed to yell at their boyfriends over the phone without you feeling "rejected".

 

And you also need to remember the phrase "People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." by Abraham Lincoln. Your happiness is in direct relation to what you choose to focus on. When you focus on the war in Iraq and all the little kids who are getting hurt and injured in the hospital, I bet you are not all that happy and cheerful (atleast I'd hope not). When you focus on all the people who died in the tsunami, how many people drowned and how many people lost their families and how many kids were kidnapped and sold into the slave market, I bet you are not all that happy and cheerful. Your thoughts control your happiness. When I dwell on the fact that my exh left me for another woman and that I'm probably too old to ever have kids and that I havent had a date in the last two years, I'm not very happy. When I dwell on the fact that because my exh left me, I grabbed the opportunity to move to a brand new city, join a local club and now meet so many new and interesting people, that i have my own apartment and that I have a brand new job bringing me a lot of new things to learn, I AM happy. I have a choice to think of all the ****ty things that happened in my life, which brings me unhappiness, or I can appreciate the little things and let that bring me happiness. My happiness is in _my_ power just as it is in yours.

[alextop30]

rejection is like someone saying No to what every you are offering. So imagine how many times a day you are told No about different things - LOTS is the answer so that is how I found it to be with women. I usually try to come accross the most normal guy with an accent - I cannot help the fact that I cannot pronounce the words like an American. The hardest thing for a guy is to make them talk - after introduction usually I ask a stupid question that involves opinion --- "Do you believe that girls should wear make up to the gym" -- Stupid question I do know the asnwer by the way . Ok this usually gets them talking - after that just give your opinion on some matters and the conversation would be really nice. If you are not really a master at conversations you can always become one I suggest read books for free times - on vocations visit new places so you have something to talk about. Also when talking to friends exercise conversation skills - try to controll the topics that are discussed so you can be in charge of the conversation and steer it in any direction that you want - than you have trully mastered the art of conversation and you will see that girls will like the way you talk to them.

[Meka]

He tries to bribe people with niceness expecting something in return. Noone likes to feel obligated, so most girls will find this a turn off.

What? Bribe? I didn't ask for anything in return. But, when someone completely ignores or finds interest in some guy that is below my value, then that is rejection for no other reason than spite. imo

 

Why dont you do nice deeds purely when you WANT to as opposed to hoping to get a return from it?

I do. But, you're trying to make it seem as if I demanded something when I didn't. I never pressured or demanded anything. You're taking the post out of context.

 

I think this would have been a success even if it was a brief interaction with no exchange of phone numbers, yet instead of focusing on this little successful interaction, you keep expecting MORE. Did you expect her to ride all the way to work with you too? Were you going to get off the next stop and elope?

Again, you're taking the post out of context. I did NOT expect anything. My point of that post was that the guy played her for stupid. I could've been an ******* and let her get drenched in the rain while standing there. But, I didn't. I allowed her to stand under my umbrella. Most guys wouldn't care as everyone else just ignored her. I didn't. I never asked for anything. What I'm saying is, the guy that played her and left her out there is the one she chooses to chase after. Me, I get completely ignored. Because she wasn't interested. But, she's interested in the guy that played her and left her drenched. If she didn't want an ahole type of guy, then she wouldn't have been dealing with this one. But, she is because that IS who she wants. Regardless of all the "I want a guy who is this and that". Yet, goes for the complete opposite. You're taking the post out of context.

 

 

Stop being so arrogant and thinking you are so unique.

I never said I was and I don't see how I'm acting arrogant. All I'm saying is, if a woman wants X guy who is A,B,C and they end up with a guy who is X,Y,Z. It's only because the guy who is A,B,C was a bluff, smoke and mirrors. It's not what she wanted. So, when I approach her, I'll get rejected for an unknown reason even if I fit the criteria that she pronounced in the first place. Because who she wants usually is X,Y,Z. But, she won't state that she wants X,Y,Z.

[dgiirl]

What? Bribe? I didn't ask for anything in return. But, when someone completely ignores or finds interest in some guy that is below my value, then that is rejection for no other reason than spite. imo

 

I do. But, you're trying to make it seem as if I demanded something when I didn't. I never pressured or demanded anything. You're taking the post out of context.

 

But you are. You are keeping tabs on how many girls thank you in return for your deed. So you are expecting at least a thank you, and when you dont get it, you hold it against them and become bitter about it. Someone who does a deed purely because they want to doesnt keep tabs. They would not even notice the lack of thank you, or if they did, they'd shrug if off. OR, if a thank you is that important, then stop doing these deeds, atleast to girls who dont return the thanks.

 

 

Again, you're taking the post out of context. I did NOT expect anything. My point of that post was that the guy played her for stupid. I could've been an ******* and let her get drenched in the rain while standing there. But, I didn't. I allowed her to stand under my umbrella. Most guys wouldn't care as everyone else just ignored her. I didn't. I never asked for anything. What I'm saying is, the guy that played her and left her out there is the one she chooses to chase after. Me, I get completely ignored. Because she wasn't interested. But, she's interested in the guy that played her and left her drenched. If she didn't want an ahole type of guy, then she wouldn't have been dealing with this one. But, she is because that IS who she wants. Regardless of all the "I want a guy who is this and that". Yet, goes for the complete opposite. You're taking the post out of context.

 

How exactly did you get rejected in that interaction? She accepted your invitation to the umbrella, and she chit chatted with you. Sounds like a good thing. She then bitched to her bf about his actions. She probably thought "gee, a complete stranger treats me better than my own bf" and so she ragged out on him. Why are you not focusing on the positive interaction you two had instead of focusing on her choice of bf's? If she was involved with someone, were you expecting her to come home with you after such a brief interaction? I'm not taking your post out of context, but I am trying to get you to question your own expectations and ask yourself if they are realistic.

 

From the little you've written, it doesnt sound like your expectations are very realistic and you are trying to find any excuse on how to fail.

 

I never said I was and I don't see how I'm acting arrogant. All I'm saying is, if a woman wants X guy who is A,B,C and they end up with a guy who is X,Y,Z. It's only because the guy who is A,B,C was a bluff, smoke and mirrors. It's not what she wanted. So, when I approach her, I'll get rejected for an unknown reason even if I fit the criteria that she pronounced in the first place. Because who she wants usually is X,Y,Z. But, she won't state that she wants X,Y,Z.

 

Most people dont know what they want. Also, even if a guy fits abc perfectly on paper, often there's no mutual chemistry, nor spark, and that's something you cannot create nor control, thus no need to take it as a personal rejection. It's just how life is. The arrogance is in believing everything a person does is a _rejection_ to you. None of us are that important.

[Meka]

So you are expecting at least a thank you,

A Thank you is about mannerism. Not about an expectation of a phone number. I expect to be treated the same way I treat the next person. If a guy can be an ahole and still get her number. Why is it that if I come across with proper mannerism, that i can't get the same in return? But a guy who can be an ahole is all of a sudden called back with no problem? My expectation is that, I treat you good, you treat me the same.

 

You are keeping tabs on how many girls thank you in return for your deed.

I'm not keeping any tabs. I'm clearly making myself aware of who I've dealt with and whether or not I should deal with this person again.

 

If she was involved with someone, were you expecting her to come home with you after such a brief interaction?

Again, I don't know where you're going with that. I did NOT expect anything of that nature. But, if she states that she is looking for a X type of guy and she decides to keep dealing with Y (ahole), So when I approach her, she immediately revokes any type of signal I hint in interest towards her. But, she will have no problem dealing with an ahole. Because that's exactly who she wants to deal with.

 

Why are you not focusing on the positive interaction you two had instead of focusing on her choice of bf's?

I did. But, the negatives received from the interaction outweigh the positive.

[Green]

the trick is to not give a darn and to love yourself and love life. When I go up to a girl and she screams "im not interested!" I laugh it off and kind of enjoy it. In fact some of the girls who have rejected me the hardest say with punches, F' U's and what not have come around to love me the hardest to. So what I say to you is learn how to stop rejecting yourself and it wont matter what any one else thinks you;ll be happy.

[monkey00]

A Thank you is about mannerism. Not about an expectation of a phone number. I expect to be treated the same way I treat the next person. If a guy can be an ahole and still get her number. Why is it that if I come across with proper mannerism, that i can't get the same in return? But a guy who can be an ahole is all of a sudden called back with no problem? My expectation is that, I treat you good, you treat me the same.

Nothing is always as simple as black and white. People are always unpredictable and sometimes you get unusual responses from people when you least expect it. What does this have to do with women? Well with that said there is no 'single universal' method to attract a girl, there will always be factors at play.

 

But it also sounds to me that a lot of the negative responses you got were from women were gold diggers or downright b*tches with bfs. I understand we all have standards, but is it possible you're selling yourself short by going after girls who are of this nature?

 

I'm not keeping any tabs. I'm clearly making myself aware of who I've dealt with and whether or not I should deal with this person again.

You think you may not be keeping tabs but the reality is you are. I have a friend who's almost similar in this nature, its very possible you both share the same reasons. And the reason is to avoid feeling 'used' and also to serve as a defense mechanism for the ego.

 

There have been countless times I gave up my seat to an elderly or woman and child on the train/bus, and never once did i expect a thanks or kept tabs as i will never see them again. Sometimes I got thanks and sometimes i didnt, but why should that bother me? it's about doing the deed.

Again, I don't know where you're going with that. I did NOT expect anything of that nature. But, if she states that she is looking for a X type of guy and she decides to keep dealing with Y (ahole), So when I approach her, she immediately revokes any type of signal I hint in interest towards her. But, she will have no problem dealing with an ahole. Because that's exactly who she wants to deal with.

 

I did. But, the negatives received from the interaction outweigh the positive.

 

Focusing on the positive and change (rather than the negative) will be always be more rewarding than reminding yourself on past screwups. However past screwups are always the backbone to correcting mistakes and improving oneself, just dont dwell in it.