unutterable8 Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Hey everyone, my name's Rory, I'm 16 and from London. I bumped into this place while searching for how to cope with ended relationships on google, and since you all seem like such lovely people I thought I'd bring up my problem here. Any advice or any similiar stories would really be appreciated, it's a bit long but please bare with it. Anyway, here goes: It all started back in september. With my GCSE exams coming up, and with me being such a terrible student, I decided it would be wise to take an extra GCSE course to try improve my exam results. It was a psychology class and I had to attend every saturday morning from 9 to 11. It ran in my school and a few of my friends were attending, but as I entered the classroom for the first time (about 10 minutes late) I was suprised to see two girls sitting at the front desk (I go to an all boys school and everyone who attends the class is from there). I didn't pay much attention to either of them, I was trying to get my head down and learn something for once, it was what I was there for afterall. Anyway, during the 10 minute break period, most of the boys went outside to play basketball and football, whereas me and my 'geeky' friends sat in the hallway and discussed computers (which I have no real interest in but it's better than mindlessly debating soccer results). I look further down the hallway only to see the two girls from earlier chatting to eachother. One of them had short fair hair and the other has long black hair. As time went on I began to notice the girl with the fair hair kept glancing over at me, then giggling to her friend. I was baffled by the whole thing, and left my first Psychology class knowing that something was most definetely up, and I liked it. The next saturday came by, and it was more of the same. I had dressed to impress this time, and had spent quite alot of time on my hair. It seemed to be working! But again I left the building with saying a word to either one of them. Next week, I thought, I'll introduce myself. But I didn't have to wait that long, on Sunday I was queuing up outside a venue about to go to a gig, when suddenly I hear a girl's voice say 'That's the boy from my psychology class!' It was the dark haired girl from before. I'll call her Jo. Jo introduced herself to me and we got chatting in the queue, I hadn't realised how beautiful she was until now. We got chatting, but I lost her as soon as we got inside. I felt the whole night feeling miserable that I'd lost my oppurtunity, but right at the end I found her and we talked again, barely able to hear eachother over the loud music. I was trying to come on to her, but she left early, and I spent the rest of the evening thinking about her, hoping she was doing the same. Jo did not attend the saturday morning class the next week, I was hoping it was because she was nervous about seeing me. However, later that week my friend (who I went to the concert with when I met Jo) bumped into her on the street, and got her email adress and phone number. I was so happy, I added her to MSN messenger straight away, I couldn't wait to find out more about her. But it turned out we didn't have much in common afterall, and I found myself forcing conversation like I do with most people my age. I talked to her again and again in hope we'd hit it off on some subject but it never happened. Even still, if she asked me out I wouldn't hesitate to say yes, I hadn't been with a girl in 3 years and just to have an intimate experience with a girl would be enough, love could come later. But love came sooner than I expected, on Friday night (the night before our psychology class) while we were having a tedious chat on some trivial subject, she invited her fair haired friend from saturday morning into the conversation. The mysterious girl who had been glancing at me for the past 2 weeks, maybe she's the one I could have a meaningless teenage relationship with? I'll call her Tracy. Me and Tracy chatted for hours and hours that night, talking about our favourite films, music, books, everything, it was wonderful. She was my age, and we had so much in common. She had told me Jo was a lesbian but I didn't care much at this point. I didn't realise if I was attracted to her physically yet but even still this was amazing. I was going to talk to her on saturday and we'd get along like a house on fire. We didn't say a word on saturday. I didn't have it in me to talk to her and she didnt have it in her either. We discussed it later that night, and laughed about it, and talked and talked and talked. And that's all we did for the following week, just chatted for hours on MSN messenger. Then one night she said her dad was organising a trip from the school after next saturday's class, and she'd love it if I went (her dad teaches at my school, uh oh..). I gladly obliged and I couldnt wait. I ended up being the only kid who went, and I didn't say a word to Tracy as she spent the whole time playing with her sister. The holidays came and it was the same routine. Just talking for hours online, I was becoming more and more obsessed with her. Then one night, she began telling me all the things she wanted me to do to her (y'know, sexually) and I couldn't help but rejoice. The feelings were mutual. It was going to be love. We organised a meetup after school one evening. We had begun texting eachother at the point, and she told me she wanted to kiss on the park bench with me. I couldn't wait, it was going to happen, with a girl I geniunely have feelings for. But as it went, we didn't end up kissing, we just sat there trying to overcome our nerves. I was so frustrated and I think she was too. But as time went on we texted more and more, telling eachother how much we loved eachother and such, and then we'd have really dirty conversations, which she'd always seem to instigate. They made me realise just how attracted to her I was. She was well-spoken and intelligent and she'd do anything in the bedroom it seemed! Not to mention she was beautiful. But we kept meeting up and nothing kept happening. It was now mid-November, I had dropped out of the psychology class (seeing her and her dad after a night of raunchy messages on a saturday morning was way too strenuous) and we were seeing eachother once a week, but we never kissed. She never referred to me as her boyfriend, we had never established that we were in a relationship but what else could you call it? Then on one December evening, she texted me saying something along the lines of 'I'M SO HAPPY, HE SAID YES!'. Who was 'he?' I asked, and it turns out she had asked some boy out on a date with her. I was completely and utterly heartbroken. We argued about it for the rest of the night, I asked her 'WHAT ABOUT US?' to which she replied 'she wasnt ready for a relationship at the moment'. I thought we were in a de facto relationship, she told me how much she loved me, revealed her most sexual fantasies to me, called me baby (something I always relished, it made me feel so loved, wanted..) and I called her it too. Doesn't this constitute a relationship? What am I missing? However, Tracy was stood up for her date, and with noone else to turn to she texted me about it. For some reason, I offered her my advice and comfort. We texted as friends for the next week or so, until we fell inlove again (it's amazing how a relationship can be built through technology) and we were back to square 1. However, it was different this time, she was my girlfriend and she was mine, I made sure this was established. It was only a week or so until the Christmas holidays and she was going away to see her family in Ireland, so we organised one last meet up before then. We didn't kiss, again, and she caught the plane the next day. She came back feeling depressed, she adores her family and friends over there and always talks about how she'd rather be there than here, which quite frankly made me feel like ****. But January brought us our first proper outing together, our relationship until now had been built on texting, instant messaging services and 40 minute meetups after school, this time we were going out. And although it started a bit shakey, we had a wonderful day together, we ended up holding hands and holding eachother by the end of it, intimate moments had been few and far between before, but we still didn't kiss. But things only got better, we became more and more attached to eachother. February came and she was my everything, all I'd think about. What had happened in the past didn't matter, I was inlove with this beautiful girl and life was looking up. Then we had another outing around London, this time always holding hands and feeling eachother, it felt so special. And as we said goodbye we finally did it, we shared a passionate kiss and it felt so good. The midterm break was approaching, things were amazing between us, and they were only going to get better. During the holidays, I had organised a night for us to be together in my flat and we slept together. I lost my virginity to her and we fell asleep in eachothers arms, it was perfect. We met up every so often again through February, then as March came we slept together again in my bed. It was another very special night, but it was the beginning of the end for us. With the exams approaching she had become socially reclusive to focus on them. I became more and more frustrated that she didn't seem interested in me and things started to break down. We argued all the time, then made up, then argued again. It was unbearable. I hardly seen her through March, she had spent the whole time studying, I had spent the whole time thinking about her, doing no work. I felt pathetic. We departed on a good note as she left for Ireland in April for the Easter Holidays. I was her 'baby' again and she said she loved me. However her time in Ireland changed everything, all she wanted to do was go back, with or without me. I felt so neglected and pathetic, so unwanted, useless. The arguments became so frequent at this point we were like an old married couple. Then one day she said to me 'Did you tell your friends we broke up?' I didn't reply. I didn't know we had broken up, I never ever wanted to let her go, and that leads me to where I am now. Heartbroken, gutted, I've lost the will to live and I don't feel like I can go on. I'm questioning everything our relationship was about, whether our 'true love' was just an illusion created in my mind or whether it really was special. She told me she wanted to marry me, I was the one, etc. Was she lying? If I'm the one then why are you letting me go? If I'm the one then why aren't you taking me back? I cry myself to sleep every night in the bed I held her small, beautiful body in not so long ago. Everything reminds me of her and I can't stand it. What gets to me most is she seems to be getting on with life just fine, like nothing ever happened, and I sit here in my bedroom listening to depressing music, chain smoking with tears rolling down my cheeks. The most important exams in my life take place in 2 weeks and I haven't done a bit of revision, because I simply don't care without her. Yet she studies for hours a day in her room and will pass them with ease, while I will fail miserably. I have never felt this low in my life. So please, what do I do? Do I forget she ever existed and try the best I can? Do I get on my knees and beg for 'us' to happen again? I'm at such a loss right now, I can't cope. I know at this age there wont be another girl like her, and I can't wait, I need to be in somebodys arms now. I know this summer she will be going to Ireland again. To clubs, to concerts and festivals with boys she likes it. The thought of it breaks my heart in two. Why should she be so happy when she left me like this? She has broken my heart twice, why does she deserve this? And why will I cry about it? Thankyou so much for reading.
Recommended Posts