Nadine126 Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Part 1: Backstory (skip to Part 2 if you don't want to read) I met a boy in October who fell for me very quickly. I didn't know it at the time but he had just ended a 3 year relationship and his partner had literally moved out two weeks earlier. I tried to slow things down as much as possible, but he was full steam ahead. Within a week or two he asked me seriously to elope (to which I said no, that would be crazy) because I was the girl of his dreams. Now, being a pragmatic girl I know this isn't possible in a few weeks so I kept a level head. We're both in our 30s, well educated and intelligent people, so I didn't want to go too fast and ruin it. I told him that and he said that wouldn't happen. For the next two months things were amazing. He still talked about our future home, children, life, etc... but we also got to know each other and things went amazingly well. We had the same values, goals, likes, spending habits, etc... He took me home for Christmas (a 2 day road trip) and his family loved me (and I loved them). We told each other we loved each other on Christmas day. On the way home, he asked me what kind of wedding and reception I wanted (it turns out we wanted the exact same thing and he was psyched). I was thrilled and felt that it was a bit fast but my parents got engaged about 3 months after meeting and they have been together ever since. I just thought that when you know, you know. When we got back I cancelled all of my online accounts (eHarmony, etc...) because he had absolutely convinced me that I was done looking and going to spend the rest of a wonderful life with him. Literally a week later, he started to pull away. He stopped talking about the future very suddenly and seemed to shut down emotionally more and more. Over the next month or so, he also started doing weird thoughtless things like not getting me a birthday present, not "doing" valentine's day (not even an eCard reply to the one I sent him), and not working to satisfy me in bed (even though there was lots of it, it was one sided). I tried to talk to him and he insisted he hadn't changed and that it wasn't me, but that he was stressed out about work (2 of the 3 engineers at his firm quit suddenly and his workload increased a lot). He was also stressed because all of this happened a few weeks before going to Kenya to see his sister so he said he was also stressed about that too. I offered him space/a break but he said he didn't need it so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and figured he was just "in his cave". In February he finally admitted that he was confused and didn't know what he wanted but that it was probably because of stress and that he wanted to continue. Things got better after that and he even started talking about our future again. He reorganized his office so that there was a desk for me to work at and said things like "you can stay at my place this summer and go swimming at the rec center by my place" (we lived 35 minutes apart). Slowly, things started to get better and I knew things were getting better at work so figured he had been telling the truth and it was just work stress. I talked to him about a few inconsiderate things he did during February and he just said I was right, that he was sorry, didn't know where his head was and that he would do better. (I wasn't accusing or demanding, I just presented my needs in a non-blaming way). I thought it was great and that we were communicating very openly. We never really "argued". During that time he had a lot of planning/packing so I spent hours preparing, shopping, cleaning, etc... with him. I asked him if he wanted time without me to do all that stuff and he just said that he wanted to spend as much time with me as he could before he left. I spent a great last weekend with him and said goodbye the first weekend in March, with plans to meet on Easter weekend when he got back. After he left, I didn't really miss him achingly, but was looking forward to him coming back so that I could spend time with him. I thought this was a good sign (infatuation was fading and we weren't needy for each other). I waited for personal contact, but it never really came. I just got the same long form letters that he sent to his family and friends. After two of these, I sent him an email saying that I would love to hear from him personally. He wrote back a 3 line email saying sorry he didn't have time to write me (even though his form letters were 4-5 pages long) and that he loved not wearing socks in Africa and signed his name. I emailed back and I was so hurt. I told him I didn't buy it and that I wanted answers. This was his reply: "I've had much time to think over the past few weeks, and while I like you quite a bit, my heart is telling me that there is no love there. I'm sorry that things turned out the way they did. I thought that I was ready for another relationship, but I now realize that I'm not. Sorry again." I was devastated. I spent an AGONIZING 2 more weeks waiting for him to get back with no contact. We met to exchange stuff and I begged for an explanation but he couldn't give me one. He just said that he was having a great time without me and that he didn't miss me. I told him that was probably HEALTHY. He just said that he was sorry, that he wanted to spend some time alone and then he wanted to move on with someone new. I really thought we would talk and fix things, but he was stubborn and cold and completely emotionally closed. I begged to just start again and go slower but he just said no, he was sorry, he wanted to move on. I told him 5 months wasn't enough to let "real love" grown and the love he wasn't feeling in his heart was infatuation but he again just said he was sorry, that's how it was. I told him it was both of our faults because I let him feel pressured because of the promses he made and told him not to feel guilty, that the timing just wasn't right. I told him I would leave the door open, that I hoped he healed and that I would always care about him and hope that he came back. I was gracious and kind. We hugged goodbye and I haven't heard from him since (1 month now). He has completely shut me out and hasn't even called to see if I'm okay after all his broken promises. Part 2 My problem is this: now that I have some perspective (and have been talking to a good psychologist), I am so angry with myself for letting him off the hook so easily, taking the blame and generally being a doormat. I was just so devastated that a man who had so thoroughly convinced me that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him could just pull away and quit after coming on SO strong. I was devastated at losing the wonderful future he had promised me. I just wanted the door to be left open in case he changed his mind but now I feel sick thinking that he thinks I would let him back and that he shouldn't feel bad. I am so frustrated at how I left things, even though part of me wishes I could still have him back, which is stupid, because in my most honest moments, I know he was very stubborn, thoughtless and a bit of a jerk (well at the end at least). He was just so wonderful at first and I still don't understand how a man can change so drastically (it was almost like a completely new personality when he started to change). Still I am devastated about the whole thing for some reason and seem to be getting worse, rather than better. I can't seem to make it through a day without crying at least twice. I know I'm mourning him, the relationship and my dreams of the future, but part of me thinks I'm not getting better because of his lack of answers at how he could change so suddenly and drastically, but part of me thinks it's because I'm angry at myself for how I left things too. My question is this, have any of you sent your letter and felt better afterwards? I have been in good NC mode (even though he hasn't sent some concert tickets he said he would send and I want those tickets) and he hasn't called or contacted me either. I have written a letter to him and I really want to send it. I feel like this time is different from my other 2 long-term relationships and that I need to send it. My letter isn't cruel, but it is angry and very honest and both my best friend and two brothers feel strongly that I should send it (but they're angry at him too for how he treated me). I feel like it would give me some power and closure if I sent it because he won't give me any. Has anyone sent a letter and are glad they did? Also, if you did send your letter, how long was it? Mine is about 3 pages single space and I'm having a hard time paring it down. I'd love to hear any stories/advice either about my letter question, or even what happened. I have been reading these boards to give me strength ever since I got his email from Kenya. Sorry this is so long.
polywog Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 First, welcome to LS! Your situation sounds very similar to something that happened to me when I was in my 30s after my marriage ended, with a similar sounding guy. Meeting his family who I loved & loved me, marriage thoughts (his), him telling me "I love you" after a week , amazing cosmic sex, sudden withdrawl, etc.. It sucks. This is my way of saying I know how you feel. That being said, I did not write that guy a letter, though I kept a journal of my feelings including what I'd like to say to him. I had fantasies about telling him how I felt, and thought about writing him, but I never did. I don't know why I never did that, because I wanted to. I was luckily also seeing a great therapist at that time, which helped me through it. We ran into each other later several times, and it was incredibly awkward, but eventually when my feelings were gone (it took a while to not feel sick when I saw him) it was just "hey how have you been, how are your parents, etc., etc" Now I'm glad that I never sent him a letter or told him off. He wasn't worth the effort, I believe he had to sit with the sh*tty thing he did, and not having confirmation of my anger and pain was probably more poisonous than the closure that a letter would have provided him. His own self-loathing was enough, in other words. I could tell that when he ran into me he felt like a cockroach on the counter when the kitchen light is turned on. You were a rebound (as was I, it turned out) and people who do what he did are putting off their painful feelings. I'm sure what he did to you is eating away at him whether he knows it or not, adding to the big pile of pain he was already not dealing with from the last relationship. Don't toss him the ball he is waiting to catch. Just look forward, allowing for the pain you feel over him, put energy toward Yourself and heal. That's just my feeling. I'll be curious to see other LSer's replies....
lto007 Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 I'm sorry to hear about your lost! I'm going through a break up myself since 5 months, although we've been hooking up on a regular basis for almost the entire time until 1.5 month ago. I have sent many letters to my ex, explaining things, and asking things I needed answers for. He never replied to them. He's told me many times to back off and give him space, so he could contact me when he's ready for it. This guy totally had me where he wanted and every time I went NC, he ended up contacting me and I was back to square one. I sent him a really nice letter, about 2 pages long, after the last time we saw each other because I hadn't talked to him for about two weeks. I was just curious what was going on in his life, and if we could stay friends. He actually responded to that one and pretty much told me to go to H. Here's what he wrote: "Get over it!!!!!!!!!!!! Our relationship is over and there is no us. Miss it all you want, but I have moved on and am very happy with out you in my life. And stop calling and texting." XXXX I am VERY mad at myself for contacting him at all, but I was very confused about the whole situation. Believe me I understand how sad, and frustrated you are, but sending him a letter probbaly won't do you ANY good. You might even get a reply from him you don't exspect, which will make you feel even worse. I have wished SO many times that I would have went NC with him 5 months ago when he left, but I couldn't. Now he doesn't even talk to me anymore and it hurts really bad. Write a letter to him, but DON'T send it!! Writing things out will make you feel a lot better, maybe you can read it for a friend or something to let it all out. I'm sorry to sound harch, but I really don't think sending it will do you any good. He's told you that he doesn't want to be with you right now, and there's NOTHING you can do about it to make him change his opinion. You have to let him contact you! Good luck!
polywog Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Write a letter to him, but DON'T send it!! Writing things out will make you feel a lot better, maybe you can read it for a friend or something to let it all out. I'm sorry to sound harch, but I really don't think sending it will do you any good. He's told you that he doesn't want to be with you right now, and there's NOTHING you can do about it to make him change his opinion. You have to let him contact you! Good luck! Right ("Write":p ) On, ito, and welcome to LS. Good advice. I started a thread called "Post here instead of contacting your ex" http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117844/ for this very purpose, so we could all vent and get it out, where all us sympathetic people could share our anger, grief, longing, and whatever else with each other and get some relief in a safe place.
Author Nadine126 Posted May 8, 2007 Author Posted May 8, 2007 Thanks for your replies so far guys... I think I just need to hear this over and over. I liked how you worded this polywog: "...not having confirmation of my anger and pain was probably more poisonous than the closure that a letter would have provided him. His own self-loathing was enough, in other words." My concern is that he isn't feeling bad because the last time I saw him I just kept telling him not to feel guilty, that I would be fine, and that I would hope he changed his mind, etc... Would he really feel bad if I told him repeatedly not to? I like your idea for the venting thread, but are there length limits? Would people think I was nuts for posting my 3 page letter?
polywog Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Thanks for your replies so far guys... I think I just need to hear this over and over. I liked how you worded this polywog: "...not having confirmation of my anger and pain was probably more poisonous than the closure that a letter would have provided him. His own self-loathing was enough, in other words." My concern is that he isn't feeling bad because the last time I saw him I just kept telling him not to feel guilty, that I would be fine, and that I would hope he changed his mind, etc... Would he really feel bad if I told him repeatedly not to? I like your idea for the venting thread, but are there length limits? Would people think I was nuts for posting my 3 page letter? If he doesn't hear from you again, he'll feel bereft. He'll be left wondering. But the point isn't how he feels, it's about you getting on with your life. Don't waste any more energy on this confused guy. I don't think there are Any Limits on these threads that I am aware of. Post there, if you like, why not?
Author Nadine126 Posted May 8, 2007 Author Posted May 8, 2007 Okay, I posted it in all its lengthy glory... it does feel a bit good to get it out there... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1183169#post1183169
annabelle75 Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Just to give it a different perspective I thought I would share what I did. Much like you when I got dumped I was so cauhgt off gaurd and at the moment thought he might chnage his mind so I completely let him off the hook and then went on NC. He then went on his merry little way and continued living his life while I sat at home feeling hurt. I eventually got so mad one night I wrote the menaest email I could telling him exactly how I felt mislead and used in the rerlationship and telling him it wasn't ok. I wanted him to know that what he did was wrong. And then I sent it to him. Now when I sent it I didn't do it to hurt him or make him feel bad. I did it to make me feel better. Once I said my peace and let him know that I wasn't a doormat that was perfectly OK with him using and abandoning me, I felt like I could move on. It just depends on why you want to send it. Its different for eveyone.
Trialbyfire Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 If you choose to send a letter, make sure it's an exit letter instead of one that requires a response or in any way tries to get them back. As annabelle mentions, the letter is for your benefit, not anyone else's, although if the letter hurt him...bonus...
lto007 Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Nadine126, I read your letter and I am feeling with you. Especially when you wrote about the things you put into the relationship, without getting anything back. That's actually how my former relationship was aswell. My ex is the youngest of 4 siblings. No wonder he didn't do anything for me when he's been babied his entire life. I don't know about your ex though. If you're still trying to get him back, sending this letter will only make things worse. There are a lot of honest things in the letter I don't think your ex wants to hear. I'm sure he knows it all deep inside, but you reminding him about it will only make him feel worse, and when your giving him a guilt trip he definitely doesn't wanna be with you. That only reminds him of why he chose not to be with you in the first place. Even though it might be easy to write out your feelings in anger, you probably will regret it later if you send it to him. We do and say alot of things in anger and desperation, but when things have calmed down a little later we seem to regret and appologize for our actions, or at least that's my own experience. Try to remain doing NC, that will eventually trigger his curiosity. Trust me this guy is far away from totally gone with you, but I know it's so hard. I'm just starting right now. My ex can't stand me, and I'm hoping that he in a couple of months will talk to me again. I'm leaving the country for 2 months so hopefully that will help too. I think NC is the only way. I new it from the beginning, but I still couldn't let go. It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but it will be worth it in the long run.
Author Nadine126 Posted May 8, 2007 Author Posted May 8, 2007 Thanks Ito007 He was an oldest child of 2 (which may explain his stubborn streak). I am the oldest of 3 (which may explain why I didn't just cave to him). Anyway, thank you so much for reading my letter. Knowing that someone in the world read it made me feel very... relieved? I don't know, but thanks for taking the time. I think that I want to send it exactly because of what you say. I want to stop wanting him back. He was a jerk. What he did is inexcusable. It would have been one of those marriages where people said "how did a guy like that end up with a girl like her?" I can't believe that I would take him back at this point, but I would. I am seriously concerned that I will never find anyone as compatible as he was with me again and he was the perfect guy for me at the beginning (using the term perfect loosely of course). It makes me worry about myself. Normal, healthy women would never put up with what I put up with, nevermind take him back after how he ended things. Part of why I want to send this is because I know if I do, it will be over. He would never have the courage, after that letter, to face me again. I think that's why I'm so torn: my head wants to send it so that I can know it's over, but my heart still wants him back and knows that it's at least a remote possibility once he gets some distance and starts to miss me (my psychologist thinks so at least - she made me promise I wouldn't take him back unless he agreed to counselling). I have never been so hurt or conflicted in my life. Thanks again for reading my letter.
lto007 Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 I know what you're feeling right now, and I know why you want to send that letter cause I've been there too. I was so mad at my ex for hurting me in all the ways he did so I wrote him a letter and told him exactly what I thought about him in every way. I called him a selfish, spoiled, trustfund baby and I felt great at the moment when my body was producing all that adrenaline, but after a couple of days when I started missing him again, I regreted that I'd ever written that. That is probably also the reason why he's not talking to me anymore although it's been about 5 weeks and I have appologized for it several times. I don't know why I do things like that, first writing it and then appologizing for it. I should just let it go, but I can't. So I'm just asking you to really conscider if you're doing the right thing before you send him that letter. I know it might be the best thing you'll ever do to get the closure you want here and now, but are you really ready for it?
Teddy and Jane Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 I'm going to be honest, I don't think he did anything that wrong. I mean, he did have strong feelings for you to begin with, but then those feelings faded. Usually after a few months in a relationship, it hits the point where the guy thinks "Do I want to take this to the next level?" or "Do I cut this off?" When he didn't miss you when he was gone for a whole month...well, that is NOT a good sign and is NOT the sign of a man who is in love with you. I don't know where you got that. If you were seeing each other for about 4 months, a couple who was really into each other really would have been missing each other a LOT. He didn't commit a crime, he fell out of love. Yes, it sucks, but it's true. Honestly, since you weren't missing him a whole lot, realistically I don't think you were really that into him, you are missing having a boyfriend, that is what you are feeling, but you didn't really love him. DON'T write him a letter. He broke up with you....there's nothing else to say. He was honest. He said there wasn't any love there for you. OK....so he doesn't love you....do you want to waste time crying over a guy who said straight up he has no feelings for you? Don't send him a letter, it will only make you look desperate and unstable.
alasia Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 I kind of agree with the last poster. Your ex was honest enough to end things when he realised he'd fallen out of love (or didn't have strong enough feelings for you to continue the relationship). He told you he didn't have feelings for you, and as far as I can tell he's left it at that; hasn't given you any false hope or anything - I know it's hard to see now, but he's done you a favour. Would you really have wanted him to stay with you, pretend everything was ok and fake feelings? You would have both been living a lie. My story's different; although similar in the sense that my ex came on very strongly in the beginning, moved me into his place within a month of meeting, I fell pregnant (we'd talked about having children) after 4 months of being together and then he ended things a month later, his feelings seeming to have disappeared overnight. Now, I can see the reason for it; I was a bitch to him for weeks and even hit him a few times, so I can understand him falling out of love - and if he'd left it at that, it would have been fine; but he didn't. He kept throwing me little crumbs of hope over the next 3-4 months; admittedly sometimes he'd say he wanted to go NC/wanted me out of his life, but then he'd change his mind, ask me to stay at his place, we'd sleep together and he'd be back to saying he still cared. As recently as a month ago he said he still loved me and that "we would" get back together eventually; then he changed his mind again after 2 days, I was confused and (stupidl;y) kept trying to contact him - thinking he'd change his mind again; after all, how can someone say they love you one day, then less than a week later erase all feelings they had for you and never want to see you again?! It didn't make sense to me and long story short, I have to go to court in two days' time on a criminal damage charge as I threw a brick through his window (total psycho behaviour, I know). I'll probably end up with a restraining order but weirdly, I'm feeling ok about the prospect of not seeing him. I haven't seen or spoken to him in about a week and have barely thought about him during that time, so it seems like I've finally accepted that it's over - took long enough! Anyway I'm rambling...I never sent 'the letter'. I wrote one, mainly because I'm almost 6 months pregnant by him and I wanted to make sure he knew that I'd always be happy for him to see the baby if he decided he wanted to, but I never sent it. I didn't see the point; he would have taken the letter as either 'bunny boiler' behaviour and an inability to accept that things are over (men can be very egotistical sometimes!), or as you trying to guilt him - both qualities that would remind him why he doesn't want to be with you. Best thing to do is keep the letter, remain NC with him and move on with your life. When you're totally over him you can re-read the letter and it'll be a nice reminder of how far you've come.
Author Nadine126 Posted May 8, 2007 Author Posted May 8, 2007 My problem isn't really with him "falling out of love" with me. That may indeed be the case, though there are sometimes other reasons men feel like they have fallen out of love; case in point being when they make promises and panic afterwards, they often come back when they've had some space (read "He's Scared, She's Scared"). I'm not saying that this is what happened, and I really don't think he'll be back (as I said he is too stubborn), his behaviour was just really odd. I just find it odd that a person can be making plans for the future one week and then literally shut down because they've "fallen out of love" the next. My problem (and the source of my anger) is him falling out of love with me and not being honest before. He insisted that his feelings were still strong, that he was a bit withdrawn because of work and his trip, he was still excited and that our future was set, even right up until he left. Heck, he asked me to live in his house when he was gone but it was too far from my work so I said no. My problem is that he did all he could to reinforce that he hadn't changed, that any unusual behaviour was because of work, and then very suddenly let me know (in an email... from Kenya) that his feelings had changed... drastically. It's not the him falling out of love that hurts as much as it's the speed that he fell out of love after the "high" of his initial infatuation, and the fact that I felt shocked because of all of the promises and reassurances right up until the end. I'm sorry, but that is "doing something wrong". If you're falling out of love, be honest so that it isn't such a shock - certainly don't try to actively convince the girl you haven't changed when you have. My problem is also that he HAD taken it to the "next level" by promising marriage, kids, rings, etc... and that you do not do that unless you are serious. If he was in love enough to take it to the next leve and start making wedding plans, etc... it just seems odd that he would break up with me because he was "out of love" a month and a half later. Trust me, it's him that I miss, not just the relationship. I said I wasn't missing him achingly but I missed him and was simply excited for him to come back so we could have some normal time together that wasn't shopping or planning for his trip (which consumed almost all of our couple time for the month before he left). He insisted that I do it all with him so that he could spend as much time with me as possible. If you read my initial post, my intent is not to send the letter to get him back, (he is cold and I have no doubt he has no feelings left for me, even if just because he's completely blocked them out) my intent is simply to let him know that he hurt me because throughout the relationship, I never did. I tried to be supportive and kind when I should have been standing up for myself when he acted badly. It really bothers me to think that he thinks that I'm okay with the things he did. That's why I want to send the letter. (And not that it matters, but it was 6 months, not 4).
alasia Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 If that's the case, then sending a letter still won't make any difference - because IMO, he still won't realise how much he's hurt you. My ex was the same; only thinking about how he felt at the time (and at the time he didn't want conflict, so he'd deny things, convince me I was imagining it when I thought he was cheating, or losing his feelings for me or whatever just to avoid an uncomfortable situation/argument) and convincing me everything was ok when it wasn't. He was in his own little world; treating me badly but not giving a second thought to how I felt. I don't think he even considered that he was doing anything wrong. Talking to him recently, I tried to make him see that him telling me he still loved me, mentioning getting back together, being really affectionate etc was wrong if he didn't really feel that way (whether he did at the time or not, I don't know; but last I knew he'd said he just felt' 'forced' into saying those things) but his attitude was that he hadn't done anything wrong, that was all said "ages ago" and I should just "get over it". I suspect your ex might feel the same and if you write a letter saying how hurt you are now, he'll just see you as the 'overdramatic ex', dragging up the past.
Guest Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Hi Nadine126, part of wanting to send the letter is because you're hurt and you want him to be hurt as well.... but this doesn't really get you anywhere if you go ahead. Its like poking someone because they poked you and you want them to feel the same hurt that you are going through and that they caused in the first place. I have also been where you are and it sucks but my advice would be - write the letter and then either - burn it in a little ceremony to say goodbye to the relationship as well as all the hurt and anger you are feeling. Or keep it and sit on it for a long time and then in a few months take it out again and see if you still feel the same way - it is likely you wont. And you should always remember 'This too will pass' (its helped me at times). Conversely my ex keeps contacting me wanting to be friends when I have pointedly told him that I don't want to be and i want him to leave me alone. Its very frustrating from the other side as well. Good luck, chin up and remember that the best revenge is to live a full and happy life and that he missed out on something and someone great.
Teddy and Jane Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I highly recommend you don't send it. You are basically quibbling over details. When you break up with someone, it usually means you have been thinking about it for a while. He probably did get carried away in the very early stage of dating, he was excited. I would tell you that you should not take mention of marriage as serious early on as again, it's that honeymoon stage. If he was taking you to buy an engagement ring, OK, then take it seriously. No matter what this guy did and how he broke up with you, you were going to be upset and angry with him breaking up with you. He most likely was thinking about if he had strong feelings with you, and when he was in Kenya had a chance to clarify his feelings. He didn't want to jump the gun without being sure. Also...it sounds like your relationship was plagued with problems from the beginning (I read your letter.) It just sounds like he didn't treat you very well, and basically you two are incompatible. Trust me, time will heal your wounds. Just get your mind off of it and look forward to the next guy. I definitely wouldn't contact him at all if i were you.
Guest Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 Part 1: Backstory (skip to Part 2 if you don't want to read) I met a boy in October who fell for me very quickly. I didn't know it at the time but he had just ended a 3 year relationship and his partner had literally moved out two weeks earlier. I tried to slow things down as much as possible, but he was full steam ahead. Within a week or two he asked me seriously to elope (to which I said no, that would be crazy) because I was the girl of his dreams. Now, being a pragmatic girl I know this isn't possible in a few weeks so I kept a level head. We're both in our 30s, well educated and intelligent people, so I didn't want to go too fast and ruin it. I told him that and he said that wouldn't happen. For the next two months things were amazing. He still talked about our future home, children, life, etc... but we also got to know each other and things went amazingly well. We had the same values, goals, likes, spending habits, etc... He took me home for Christmas (a 2 day road trip) and his family loved me (and I loved them). We told each other we loved each other on Christmas day. On the way home, he asked me what kind of wedding and reception I wanted (it turns out we wanted the exact same thing and he was psyched). I was thrilled and felt that it was a bit fast but my parents got engaged about 3 months after meeting and they have been together ever since. I just thought that when you know, you know. When we got back I cancelled all of my online accounts (eHarmony, etc...) because he had absolutely convinced me that I was done looking and going to spend the rest of a wonderful life with him. Literally a week later, he started to pull away. He stopped talking about the future very suddenly and seemed to shut down emotionally more and more. Over the next month or so, he also started doing weird thoughtless things like not getting me a birthday present, not "doing" valentine's day (not even an eCard reply to the one I sent him), and not working to satisfy me in bed (even though there was lots of it, it was one sided). I tried to talk to him and he insisted he hadn't changed and that it wasn't me, but that he was stressed out about work (2 of the 3 engineers at his firm quit suddenly and his workload increased a lot). He was also stressed because all of this happened a few weeks before going to Kenya to see his sister so he said he was also stressed about that too. I offered him space/a break but he said he didn't need it so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and figured he was just "in his cave". In February he finally admitted that he was confused and didn't know what he wanted but that it was probably because of stress and that he wanted to continue. Things got better after that and he even started talking about our future again. He reorganized his office so that there was a desk for me to work at and said things like "you can stay at my place this summer and go swimming at the rec center by my place" (we lived 35 minutes apart). Slowly, things started to get better and I knew things were getting better at work so figured he had been telling the truth and it was just work stress. I talked to him about a few inconsiderate things he did during February and he just said I was right, that he was sorry, didn't know where his head was and that he would do better. (I wasn't accusing or demanding, I just presented my needs in a non-blaming way). I thought it was great and that we were communicating very openly. We never really "argued". During that time he had a lot of planning/packing so I spent hours preparing, shopping, cleaning, etc... with him. I asked him if he wanted time without me to do all that stuff and he just said that he wanted to spend as much time with me as he could before he left. I spent a great last weekend with him and said goodbye the first weekend in March, with plans to meet on Easter weekend when he got back. After he left, I didn't really miss him achingly, but was looking forward to him coming back so that I could spend time with him. I thought this was a good sign (infatuation was fading and we weren't needy for each other). I waited for personal contact, but it never really came. I just got the same long form letters that he sent to his family and friends. After two of these, I sent him an email saying that I would love to hear from him personally. He wrote back a 3 line email saying sorry he didn't have time to write me (even though his form letters were 4-5 pages long) and that he loved not wearing socks in Africa and signed his name. I emailed back and I was so hurt. I told him I didn't buy it and that I wanted answers. This was his reply: "I've had much time to think over the past few weeks, and while I like you quite a bit, my heart is telling me that there is no love there. I'm sorry that things turned out the way they did. I thought that I was ready for another relationship, but I now realize that I'm not. Sorry again." I was devastated. I spent an AGONIZING 2 more weeks waiting for him to get back with no contact. We met to exchange stuff and I begged for an explanation but he couldn't give me one. He just said that he was having a great time without me and that he didn't miss me. I told him that was probably HEALTHY. He just said that he was sorry, that he wanted to spend some time alone and then he wanted to move on with someone new. I really thought we would talk and fix things, but he was stubborn and cold and completely emotionally closed. I begged to just start again and go slower but he just said no, he was sorry, he wanted to move on. I told him 5 months wasn't enough to let "real love" grown and the love he wasn't feeling in his heart was infatuation but he again just said he was sorry, that's how it was. I told him it was both of our faults because I let him feel pressured because of the promses he made and told him not to feel guilty, that the timing just wasn't right. I told him I would leave the door open, that I hoped he healed and that I would always care about him and hope that he came back. I was gracious and kind. We hugged goodbye and I haven't heard from him since (1 month now). He has completely shut me out and hasn't even called to see if I'm okay after all his broken promises. Part 2 My problem is this: now that I have some perspective (and have been talking to a good psychologist), I am so angry with myself for letting him off the hook so easily, taking the blame and generally being a doormat. I was just so devastated that a man who had so thoroughly convinced me that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him could just pull away and quit after coming on SO strong. I was devastated at losing the wonderful future he had promised me. I just wanted the door to be left open in case he changed his mind but now I feel sick thinking that he thinks I would let him back and that he shouldn't feel bad. I am so frustrated at how I left things, even though part of me wishes I could still have him back, which is stupid, because in my most honest moments, I know he was very stubborn, thoughtless and a bit of a jerk (well at the end at least). He was just so wonderful at first and I still don't understand how a man can change so drastically (it was almost like a completely new personality when he started to change). Still I am devastated about the whole thing for some reason and seem to be getting worse, rather than better. I can't seem to make it through a day without crying at least twice. I know I'm mourning him, the relationship and my dreams of the future, but part of me thinks I'm not getting better because of his lack of answers at how he could change so suddenly and drastically, but part of me thinks it's because I'm angry at myself for how I left things too. My question is this, have any of you sent your letter and felt better afterwards? I have been in good NC mode (even though he hasn't sent some concert tickets he said he would send and I want those tickets) and he hasn't called or contacted me either. I have written a letter to him and I really want to send it. I feel like this time is different from my other 2 long-term relationships and that I need to send it. My letter isn't cruel, but it is angry and very honest and both my best friend and two brothers feel strongly that I should send it (but they're angry at him too for how he treated me). I feel like it would give me some power and closure if I sent it because he won't give me any. Has anyone sent a letter and are glad they did? Also, if you did send your letter, how long was it? Mine is about 3 pages single space and I'm having a hard time paring it down. I'd love to hear any stories/advice either about my letter question, or even what happened. I have been reading these boards to give me strength ever since I got his email from Kenya. Sorry this is so long. Please, Nadine, send the letter you'll feel much better. I had a similar experience and decided to send a letter to close this chapter of my life. This man sounds like a real jurk, you deserve much better. I wish you the best.
Guest Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 I disagree with Guest, who just posted. You definitely should not send that letter. It will only make you look pathetic and like you are still thinking about him. I once had a guy send me a post card three months after I broke up with him. I couldn't believe that he was still thinking of me and felt sorry for him that he hadn't moved on yet. In fact, it kind of gave me a creepy feeling. Someone here on Loveshack once said that the opposite of love is indifference not hatred. By showing him that you are still angry you are actually revealing that you still care. I know it's very hard and you feel that you want closure but you need to find that within yourself. If you do anything now which involves him then you will only feel embarrassed afterwards.
marlena Posted June 7, 2007 Posted June 7, 2007 "...not having confirmation of my anger and pain was probably more poisonous than the closure that a letter would have provided him. His own self-loathing was enough, in other words." Plywog, I get where you are coming from with the above words. But really do these types ever feel even a twinge of guilt for the damage they have done to unsespecting people who loved and trusted anf gave so much to them? in the frame of mind I'm in right now, I seriously doubt it! I think they are sociopathic in many ways incapable of feeling remorse or love or any of the emotions nice people feel. In my experience, these types turn the tables on you and make you feel you are the guilty party! This is not a consious thing on their part - and that's what's so terrifying - they actually believe it!!!!!!!!! In many ways they are narcissists too! EVrything is about them and for them. They are the centre of the universe and if you do anything to displease them, then they immediately replace you with their next victim! POlywog, hope you are feeling stronger today. As for myself, it is a bad day. I too like NAdine want to vent and rave in his ear and make him feel like a piece os sh*t which he is. I am having itchy fingers today. God, I hope I don;t give into this urge!! NAdine, Your story is VERY similar to mine. May I ask if you met this person online? I don't know if it is a good idea to post your letter (which tore at my heart) but I do I agree you might get a response that will make you feel worse about yourself or no response at all! And why give him the gratification of knowing that you hate him? You know what they say about love and hate going hand in hand... INDIFFERENCE is what probably really kills. I'm in a state of emotional turmoil since it's only been two days since he told me had started a new relationship while still being in one with me!! So I'm not composed enough to advise you as to what to do? i think that with these types, no matter what we say, is in one ear and out the other! What we should really do is crush their b**** but they don;t even have any of those so it too would be futile. Maybe you should just sit on it a while longer!! I don't know. Really as I am in exactly the same spot right now! Post in here as much as you can. Everybody is sooooooooo nice! Hope you are strong! Hope I am strong today too and don;t give into my anger and call him up to tell him what a eunuch he is (which he knows already)!! Hugs to you Polywog and Nadine. Just last week he reiterated his desire to meet my daughter! Thank God I had the sense not to do it!
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