bchlvr Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 Have any fellow LS'ers had an ex that talked about themselves constantly? Or at least your ex was very self referential...it was all about them? I believe I was with someone who was very narcissistic and want to understand the "red flags." In everything I've read about narcissistic characteristics both on LS and in books and articles, one characteristic that you would think would be among the top ten is excessive talking about or reference to self. Yet, I've yet to read about this characteristic. You are left feeling like the person's sounding board who goes on and on, often brooding about the negative or faulting others. There is an imbalance in exchange in conversation that has become a pattern. Wondering what you think or have experienced.
hurting_in_nw Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 I think my STBX was narcissistic not in that she spoke about herself often, but that she made me put her on a pedestal and kept me from putting anything or anyone ahead of her...including friends, hobbies, etc., which I always did to keep her happy. Of course, read through my thread in the Separation/Divorce forum and you'll see how that all worked out for me in the end...again, pure selfishness on her part.
Tony T Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Have any fellow LS'ers had an ex that talked about themselves constantly? Or at least your ex was very self referential...it was all about them? I believe I was with someone who was very narcissistic and want to understand the "red flags." In everything I've read about narcissistic characteristics both on LS and in books and articles, one characteristic that you would think would be among the top ten is excessive talking about or reference to self. Yet, I've yet to read about this characteristic. You are left feeling like the person's sounding board who goes on and on, often brooding about the negative or faulting others. There is an imbalance in exchange in conversation that has become a pattern. Wondering what you think or have experienced. The person you are talking about is not necessarily a narcissist. There are a number of traits required to fill that diagnosis. Unless there was a lot more you didn't talk about in your post, it sounds like you were with someone with an exceptionally low self esteem. People who think very poorly of themselves will often spout off about themselves to build themselves up to the point they and others might feel they are worthy. People who constantly criticize and put others down suffer from a very low self image and therefore attempt to elevate themselves by making others look inferior. Perhaps that's why you never read about this characteristic as it relates to narcissism. I feel very sorry for this pathetic ex of yours. People who go around feeling so badly about themselves are condemned to a life of misery and loneliness.
CaliGuy Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 The person you are talking about is not necessarily a narcissist. There are a number of traits required to fill that diagnosis. Unless there was a lot more you didn't talk about in your post, it sounds like you were with someone with an exceptionally low self esteem. People who think very poorly of themselves will often spout off about themselves to build themselves up to the point they and others might feel they are worthy. People who constantly criticize and put others down suffer from a very low self image and therefore attempt to elevate themselves by making others look inferior. Perhaps that's why you never read about this characteristic as it relates to narcissism. I feel very sorry for this pathetic ex of yours. People who go around feeling so badly about themselves are condemned to a life of misery and loneliness. Agreed, Tony. People who talk excessively about themselves or put others down quite often are insecure. They say what they are thinking out loud to convince themselves they are better than someone else. I don't think if you talk about yourself that is necessarily a bad thing. After all, you are the one living your life and if things are fun and exciting, you want to share them with others. It's when you say how "great" you are (ie: bragging), then it becomes obnoxious.
sweetie7 Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 omg YES. my ex is almost 25 and still in college (smart, just took some time off). he has a veryy nice apt. but his parents pay for it. i jokingly told him i was going to find someone better than him and he said "yeah right, good luck finding someone with a 4.0 gpa who wants to go to grad school and has an apt. in the ritziest part of the city." i LAUGHED so hard and said "or i could find a guy who's out of grad school (like myself) and has a perfectly nice apt. that he pays for himself." that got him to stop for a minute. until he started talking about how good looking he his, blah blah. he is extremely handsome, but i think it kind of makes you ugly when you talk about how good looking you are all of the time (and never stop looking in the mirror).
LoveisPAIN07 Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I've definitely had Ex's that talk excessively about themselves, but one in particular stands out in my mind. Not only would he excessively talk about himself, but he'd also never let me get a word in edgewise. I'm one that doesn't talk all that much. I spent a lot of time during our conversations listening to what he had to say and his opinions on various things. I gradually noticed over the course of our relationship that when I gave my opinion or even spoke about what was going on in my day, etc. he would try to brush it off so that he could talk about his day, etc. It drove me crazy. This person also was obsessed with himself and thought he was destined for greatness. He would let you know that eventually he was going to be famous for this, that, and the other thing. Whatever. Waste of time.
Author bchlvr Posted May 10, 2007 Author Posted May 10, 2007 Thank you, everyone who wrote in. I agree that the root of all this may be insecurity, as you say Tony. I can relate to all of your experiences. It was the excessive talking about herself where I could not get a word in edgewise that was a red flag. At first I thought it was just about sharing, but over time it was all about how she felt maligned by this one or that one or a crisis that by her uniqueness/ greatness she was able to ward off. Next time around, I want more mutuality and sharing in a dating relationship.
FeltonRoad Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 my ex-girlfriend many times told me that everything was always about myself. I couldn't figure out what she meant. Maybe its a fault I'm not seeing. I do talk about myself and analyze myself to death though. But I don't brag about myself. I do have low self-esteem though. Like when people tell me of an experience sometimes all I can think to say in return is an experience thats similar to theirs that I went through or that someone else went through. Or I ask more questions about their experience. I don't know I've always thought i was good at figuring out my own flaws. I always thought I was putting her first. I was always doing things she wanted to do and changing myself for her. One time she told me that all I think about is myself and I couldn't respond in any way but by saying "I don't get it? ...I just don't know what you're talking about" Maybe I can read up online somewhere about it, maybe I am like that (whatever that is).
Sk8away Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Have any fellow LS'ers had an ex that talked about themselves constantly? Or at least your ex was very self referential...it was all about them? You are left feeling like the person's sounding board who goes on and on, often brooding about the negative or faulting others. There is an imbalance in exchange in conversation that has become a pattern. Wondering what you think or have experienced. In one word: yes. I wrote about my own similar experience in another thread. It was three or four hours of non-stop, uninterrupted me, me, me. In all that time, I don't think he asked me all of three questions about myself--and the ones he did ask were basically designed to lead back to him. In the space of one evening, this man divulged more details about himself to me--a woman he barely knew--than I would ever divulge about myself even over a space of years (and then only to my closest friends). At the end of the evening, he walked away knowing almost nothing about me, and I went home exhausted. (He told me several times throughout the night how "mysterious" I was--well, of course I was--the conversation was all about him, him, him ). Later, when he told me he wanted me as a friend he could get together with and "talk to" (more like talk AT), I felt resentful and even a little angry. Did he really think I wanted to spend another four hours being the sounding board in a one-sided conversation (and I don't care HOW easy he was on the eyes:laugh:)? Why would he want to tell me--a stranger--all his problems anyway? Tell them to a shrink instead! At first, I thought it was insecurity or nervousness too, which would've been sweet. I'm not a doctor, so I don't know if this is classic narcissistic behavior or something else--but when it happens right at the onset, it is a HUGE red flag, at least for me.
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