Two more years??!!

[Guest]

I have been with my bf for the past 8 months. I am 33 and he is 30. We live an hour and a half drive apart and he comes to see me most weekends and I go see him sometimes too (he prefers coming to mine as I live alone and he does not). I hear my biological clock as I will be 34 this fall and definitely want a family of my own.

 

My boyfriend has said several times over the time we've been together (as recently as two days ago) that is "going to marry me someday"...yet he has not proposed.

 

I spoke to him a few months ago about "where this relationship is going" and he again confirmed that he loves me, wants to marry me and will marry me "one day". However, when pressed, he said it would not be this summer or next and Maybe 2009.

 

I let the subject drop but it came up again today. I asked him if we are wanting the same things as I find it difficult to have a LDR and we have agreed we would never live together before we get married...so I wanted to know if he was more open to perhaps a wedding next summer.

 

Well it seems like he is not. He said he just bought a house so does not have $$ for a wedding and also that he is not "ready". He says we have not even spent a summer together so why am I putting on this pressure.

 

I said I just need to know his intentions and I told him that it is important to me to know that we are heading towards marriage and children as I will be turning 35 in a year and a half (so right after next summer...) and that I would want to start a family asap. He reiterated that he is not ready and "probably in two years" he would be, if he had money saved etc.

 

Well I don't know if I want to continue reserving every weekend for him coming here or me going there for the next two years hoping for a formal commitment. He then said that we would be engaged maybe next year and engaged for a year (so married 2009). He also said he was upset that my love seems to be contingent on whether or not we will get married (I want the relationship/intimacy moreso than a wedding, but with our distance we will never be in the same town until we are married). He said that if I think there is someone out there who might be a better match for me (I told him maybe there is), then he said that that tells him that HE is NOT the one for me and left it up to me whether I stay in this relationship or end it.

 

I don't want to spend the next two years in a LDR if I am going to be unhappy all the time. I don't even know if we are meant to be because he seems so set in his ways and defensive and unwilling to say "I love you, i will marry you and if it is really important to you to have children and have a family, let's see what we can plan"....what he did say was "this is how it is and if you can't live with that and you think you'll find someone better, then let's call it a day and go on our ways, but I guarantee you that you will compare every guy you meet to me and you'll want me back but with me there are no second chances".

 

Where is the love in that?? Any opinions??

[catrocks]

I understand where you're coming from, but it seems that he thinks you are putting a lot of pressure on him. He said that he wants to marry you, but he wants to wait a couple of years because he can't afford it at the moment, which seems reasonable to me.

 

The distance seems to play a big part in this - do you want to marry him because you feel ready for marriage or so that you can stop the distance and be with him properly? An hour is not far, and you get to see him every weekend, that's pretty good.

 

However, in the end it is up to how you feel - if you want to settle down now and he doesn't then do you love him enough to wait? Only you can answer that, and that seems to be the bottom line. Can you imagine yourself with anyone besides him? How do you feel if you imagine not seeing him every weekend? If you love him and want to be with him then you'll have to stop putting pressure on him or you'll end up driving him away.

 

I hope you figure it out.

[ibitealil]

I agree, he told you he loves you and he told you he will marry u one day. He just wants to see if you r compatible enough since its been only 8 months (although its LDR it still is a relationship which means time is needed). U cant ask a guy to say the actual date for him to propose just because LDR is difficult. Plus hour and a half driving is not that far as Catrocks said.

 

Telling him that u can find another person is hurtful, and may be thats why hes giving u such cold replies.

[smilesmile]

Would you want him to marry you knowing that the he is only doing it because you are pressuring him or giving him an ultimatum?

 

It sounds like he is being forthright and telling you he isn't ready and it hasn't been enough time. Try to respect that, and take this time to develop your relationship and to see if it is meant to last. If it is, it will fall into place. If not, I am sure that you can learn from this relationship and meet someone better suited for you.

 

And really, eight months is not that long. . . and 35 is not too late to start a family.

[4whatItsWorth]

what he did say was "this is how it is and if you can't live with that and you think you'll find someone better, then let's call it a day and go on our ways, but I guarantee you that you will compare every guy you meet to me and you'll want me back but with me there are no second chances".

 

Wow. Well, he has already made it clear that if you end it - he won't have any regrets. Then again, it's only been 8 months, girl.

 

Comparison:

Time: My LDR realised I was the one after 6 months.

Money: My LDR was SKINT but bought me my engagement ring with his LAST money just because he wanted to make me happy.

 

Conclusion:

Time: Sure, your guy has a point. However, that statement of his says more than time will tell.

Money: Um...bought new house and can't afford a wedding? Well, you can get married without losing all your money. Marriage wouldn't be the problem - big or small wedding would be.

 

He's already said "no second chances." He is already telling you "do what I want or don't do anything at all." Which means the guy won't be someone who wants to compromise in the future. He wants to marry "one day" - well, in theory that "one day" could be in 10-20 years from now. "One day" is nothing to keep you in the relationship.

 

Comparing with my LDR - trust me, you CAN find much better.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't see an hour and a half away as an LDR, so I will approach it like any other relationship.

 

You both are in different stages in your lives. You want more and he will only give so much, with no firm commitment for the future and no room to compromise. You cannot control him by pushing him but you can control yourself and your life. I don't think you should invest anymore time into someone who's not standing beside you.

[pennyjosix]

Do you really love him or is your biological clock saying, "hey i'm with this guy now and want to be married and have kids now so he's the one i'm going to marry... now." Marriage and kids are two things I'm sure you don't want to just rush into so yeah, maybe he is being shady by not supporting you, but then again you need to really think about if he is THE one. You are all about wanting him to stand by your side and support you if he loves you but shouldn't you try to stand by him and support him if you love him?

[love4ever]

Yea I was sympathizing with untill I realized you guys have only been together for 8 months. I totally understand wanting to start a family soon due to your age but you might want to cool down for the next two years. And perhaps once he realizes your really in it for him he might propose even sooner.

[Island Girl]

I have been with my bf for the past 8 months. I am 33 and he is 30. We live an hour and a half drive apart and he comes to see me most weekends and I go see him sometimes too (he prefers coming to mine as I live alone and he does not). I hear my biological clock as I will be 34 this fall and definitely want a family of my own.

 

Your biological clock is not something you should be listening to when deciding about marriage.

 

Have you thought about what marriage really means? --- And I do mean this seriously, not being facetious at all.

 

How often do you speak on the phone during the week? What are those conversations like?

 

Why does he not live alone? Does he need help making the mortgage so he has roommates?

 

My boyfriend has said several times over the time we've been together (as recently as two days ago) that is "going to marry me someday"...yet he has not proposed.

 

Okay awfully romantic, but have you thought about why you would want to marry him?

 

What are the qualities that he has that no other man does that make you want to marry him - when it comes to you, life, etc.?

 

I spoke to him a few months ago about "where this relationship is going" and he again confirmed that he loves me, wants to marry me and will marry me "one day". However, when pressed, he said it would not be this summer or next and Maybe 2009.

 

You spoke to him a few months ago about where this relationship is going -- so you were together 4 or 5 months when that conversation took place?

 

What sparked the conversation? A drive toward marriage or feelings of such true devotion and love you couldn't control yourself?

 

Was it a natural progressive conversation where both of you were sharing or was it more of a matter of fact discussion?

 

I let the subject drop but it came up again today. I asked him if we are wanting the same things as I find it difficult to have a LDR and we have agreed we would never live together before we get married...so I wanted to know if he was more open to perhaps a wedding next summer.

 

You asked him if you were wanting the same things...there is no indication in his behavior that you are on the same page?

 

You say you both have agreed not to live together before marriage. Who brought up that subject. Was there instant agreement - both of you had the same idea at the same time of was there more of a discussion where you both came to the same conclusion? -- If it was more of a discussion what was YOUR position initially?...I have the strangest feeling that you were against it from the get go...?

 

Well it seems like he is not. He said he just bought a house so does not have $$ for a wedding and also that he is not "ready". He says we have not even spent a summer together so why am I putting on this pressure.

 

It has only been 8 months. So I can see his point. -- But don't get me wrong, I can see your point as well.

 

There just seems to be such a marriage drive in you. Like it is this goal you just have to reach -- a milestone of sorts -- almost like you see it as when your life will really begin...?

 

How many relationships have you been in before this and how long were they?

 

I said I just need to know his intentions and I told him that it is important to me to know that we are heading towards marriage and children as I will be turning 35 in a year and a half (so right after next summer...) and that I would want to start a family asap. He reiterated that he is not ready and "probably in two years" he would be, if he had money saved etc.

 

Okay here's a perfect example of where your thinking just seems sort of askew to me. You state you will be turning 35 and you'll be wanting to start a family asap. Instead of a natural progression to this point it seems like you see it as "the end" in the phrase "the end justifies the means".

You hear this phantom clock ticking so it is almost like there is some kind of a checklist:

 

1. I need a single man. --- Okay you are a single man.

2. I need to get married. --- Okay so now we need to get married.

3. I want to have a child ---

 

There is a lot more to marriage and having a family than just that.

 

There is another person involved - it is not and never will be all about you if it is going to be a successful relationship.

 

You seem impractical, agenda driven, and possibly a romantic.

 

He sounds very practical and steadfastly independent. You quite possibly could be driving him to dig his heels in deeper with your constant pushing.

 

If it is HIM that you want and not just a husband you could very well be driving him away from you.

 

If you want a husband - and he doesn't have some remarkable quality that sets him away from any other man on the planet you may be better served if you moved on and found another man who has the same drive you do to have a home, wife, and family very soon. They are out there...

 

Well I don't know if I want to continue reserving every weekend for him coming here or me going there for the next two years hoping for a formal commitment. He then said that we would be engaged maybe next year and engaged for a year (so married 2009).

 

So he gave you a confirmation that you would be engaged.

 

It wasn't a maybe or possibly but a definite. Right?

 

So if it is HIM that you want -- he has told you that you WILL have him, just in his time -- not yours.

 

He is rigid and uncompromising about this. It sounds as if these are entrenched character traits. This is the man you will be marrying.

 

You seem agenda driven and not willing to bend either.

 

If you are having such a hard time with how stubborn and uncompromising he is being about this, I really don't think you want him as a husband.

There will be A LOT of times when you will be faced with this very behavior in your lifetime together. Have you thought about that at all?

 

Again, have you really asked yourself what it is about him that you want to marry him. Because the two of you seem incompatible.

 

Two rigid, non-compromising, stubborn people would be a recipe for disaster. Don't you think?

 

What would happen if the two of you disagreed about something major...a bloodbath? A fight to the death...?

 

 

He also said he was upset that my love seems to be contingent on whether or not we will get married (I want the relationship/intimacy moreso than a wedding, but with our distance we will never be in the same town until we are married).

 

If I were him, I'd be upset too. From what you've written you had a conversation just months after you met about marriage and living together...you agreed that marriage was the way to go...then you have a "where this relationship going talk" a few months ago (so that was right around the time of the marriage talk) and then you bring it up again now.

 

It has been an underlying current this whole time. And I am sure he feels it. He is practical and independent remember?

 

You say the relationship with him is more than the marriage but from what you have said that doesn't ring true. If it was, your post would read a little differently and you'd be saying "I'll wait until the end of time if I have to because I just can't imagine my life without him".

 

But that isn't what you have said. Not here and not to him.

 

What you have said was essentially 'I don't want to waste my time on you if you aren't going to put a ring on my finger and give me a wedding soon.'

 

He said that if I think there is someone out there who might be a better match for me (I told him maybe there is), then he said that that tells him that HE is NOT the one for me and left it up to me whether I stay in this relationship or end it.

 

See --- here's where I agree with him again.

 

If you think there is someone else out there for you, and you said there might be, then he isn't the one. --- Either you do not know him well enough yet or he isn't the one.

 

Because if he was undeniably The One and you knew that right now - you would have never said "maybe there is" or even had a conversation that had such an underlying current of "it is you if you marry me fast -- if not then it is someone else".

 

I don't want to spend the next two years in a LDR if I am going to be unhappy all the time.

 

If you are unhappy now you must ask yourself why you are unhappy.

 

Are you unhappy because you are separated from your true love or because you want the cemented relationship and the starting of a family?

 

I hope you really think long and hard before answering that.

 

I don't even know if we are meant to be because he seems so set in his ways and defensive and unwilling to say "I love you, i will marry you and if it is really important to you to have children and have a family, let's see what we can plan"

 

He is rigid. You are pushing. He is only going to be more rigid in response.

 

Again - what makes this man The One in your eyes? Because I don't think you are looking too close at what you are signing up for. He is being himself. This is his nature.

 

He isn't willing to sacrifice his wants for yours or compromise about how he sees his future laid out in front of him. He is that way now, he'll be that way as a husband as well.

 

 

....what he did say was "this is how it is and if you can't live with that and you think you'll find someone better, then let's call it a day and go on our ways, but I guarantee you that you will compare every guy you meet to me and you'll want me back but with me there are no second chances".

 

He knows he is a good guy. He is confident that he treats you well and you should be with him loving every minute of it. He thinks if you get it -- and you love him the way you are supposed to and he is REALLY the one in your eyes, then you would wait until the end of time.

 

And if you don't get it, and you don't truly adore him and getting married is so important to you that you want to stand on an ultimatum he is not going to be badgered, controlled, or pushed into anything -- go find someone who will.

 

He is being a MAN (to the extreme for sure, but I bet it makes him that much more attractive to you because he is so damn strong).

[Island Girl]

I don't see an hour and a half away as an LDR, so I will approach it like any other relationship.

 

TBF -- I had to laugh when I saw this!

 

An hour and a half is how much time some people spend commuting to work everyday. An hour and a half to get there and an hour and a half back.

 

To me that is not long distance either.

 

I'd give my eye teeth for that kind of distance.

 

Try 5,500 miles apart for, well, January 2nd started year number 5.

 

Nightly conversations that last 5 to 30 minutes but average 10 to 15.

 

Seeing each other a total of one month out of the last 53.

 

But that is what happens when you KNOW you found The One.

 

The One that no one else can compare to. The One who gives you what no one else can. The One you dreamed of your entire life who seems like a miracle. The One who gets you like no one else ever has and you get him the same way.

 

When you find that kind of love you'll wait as long as it takes - you'll sacrifice more than you ever thought you would - you will do all of the hard work to get through day to day - Because once you have it, you know no one and nothing will ever compare to it.

 

And I miss him...more and more and more...

 

Echoing his words, "wish, wish, wish...hope, hope, hope":(

[Zona76]

AND 5500 miles is another thing to throw into the loop. Will this be an Immigration issue? This takes a lot of planning. Where will you live. Who can more easily transfer their career to another location... or has less to loose by leaving their 401k.

Has this been discussed?

Maybe he just wants to live together forever. Is this acceptable for you?

I too see you two have been together a very short time.

AND there is no guarantee you will be able to get pregnant.

The both of you need to have a discussion. Maybe he's not ready to marry right now. That's why he's not asked.

[Island Girl]

I am taking it that this is directed at me Zona76 -- not the OP...

 

But I feel it begs answers and possibly could be of help to the OP because it deals with handling very large issues and what the level of commitment like marriage entails...if not I apologize in advance for the threadjack.

 

AND 5500 miles is another thing to throw into the loop. Will this be an Immigration issue?

 

Yes immigration is an issue.

 

This takes a lot of planning.

 

You bet it does and has.

 

Where will you live.

 

Hopefully the US.

 

Who can more easily transfer their career to another location... or has less to loose by leaving their 401k.

 

He has no 401k. That is not even a concept in Tonga. lol

 

Has this been discussed?

 

At length for years - but not much of a discussion. There has never been a disagreement about living in the US or not.

 

He lived here for 11 years before going back to Tonga and loves it here.

 

We lived together here in the US for roughly a year before he left as well.

 

Maybe he just wants to live together forever. Is this acceptable for you?

 

Um -- no, it wouldn't be acceptable. No he doesn't want to live together forever. We are already married.

 

I too see you two have been together a very short time.

 

I think you are confusing the OP and myself. Two different people.

 

I have been with my husband for over 6 years.

 

AND there is no guarantee you will be able to get pregnant.

 

Nope - no guarantee for either of us -- the OP or me. But there is no guarantee for anyone is there? We can only hope - check into fertility help if there is a problem - and hope some more...

 

The both of you need to have a discussion. Maybe he's not ready to marry right now. That's why he's not asked.

 

yeah -- I think this part IS directed at the OP...

 

OP - sorry again for the threadjack. Just thought the thread would get very confusing if all of this was left unanswered.

[norajane]

I don't see an hour and a half away as an LDR, so I will approach it like any other relationship.

 

I don't see a 90 minute drive as long distance either! In my city, you could still be IN the same city 90 minutes later!

 

 

You're pushing way too much for having only been together for 8 months. You're going to push him away - in fact, you've already started doing so if you told him you think there might be someone out there who is better for you. Reallly think about whether he is someone you want a lifetime partnership with, or if he's someone you can check all the boxes with...dating, check; engagement, check; marriage, check; kid #1, check; kid #2, check; dog, check, minivan, check; picket fence, check...