1Heart2Many Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 Can someone tell me does anybody think about dealing with married persons kids after they get divorced? I mean reading these threads it seems like everyone's on la la land.Why wait for someone to seperate from their family (which is just wrong) when you could just be loving and supportive to someone who deserves 2x's the attention these married people are getting? Why?
NearlyThere Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 Can someone tell me does anybody think about dealing with married persons kids after they get divorced? I mean reading these threads it seems like everyone's on la la land.Why wait for someone to seperate from their family (which is just wrong) when you could just be loving and supportive to someone who deserves 2x's the attention these married people are getting? Why? Of course most people think about it. People who think that ALL OW/OM dont think about it are as much in la la land as those OW/OM who dont.
Visu Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 Can someone tell me does anybody think about dealing with married persons kids after they get divorced? I mean reading these threads it seems like everyone's on la la land.Why wait for someone to seperate from their family (which is just wrong) when you could just be loving and supportive to someone who deserves 2x's the attention these married people are getting? Why? i've met his kids and he has met my child, at functions. i don't think kids should be thought of as having to be 'dealt with' i would view them as a part of the package deal. i disagree with your saying waiting for someone you love is wrong.
Author 1Heart2Many Posted May 7, 2007 Author Posted May 7, 2007 Its nice that you disagree, but the plain and simple fact is that there is right and wrong. (whether the world is white/black or anything in between). I understand circumstances,but I guess I should of asked why get caught up in the first place. I really cannot see the logic in kids meeting the OP. I know if my S/O had an OM then let my kids actually meet this person... let's just say there's a limit between insanity and being ignorant to the consequences of my actions.. no wait... they seem to be the same thing.
NearlyThere Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 Its nice that you disagree, but the plain and simple fact is that there is right and wrong. (whether the world is white/black or anything in between). I understand circumstances,but I guess I should of asked why get caught up in the first place. I really cannot see the logic in kids meeting the OP. I know if my S/O had an OM then let my kids actually meet this person... let's just say there's a limit between insanity and being ignorant to the consequences of my actions.. no wait... they seem to be the same thing. Sorry, I still dont quite get what your asking about. First you said: "Can someone tell me does anybody think about dealing with married persons kids after they get divorced? I mean reading these threads it seems like everyone's on la la land.Why wait for someone to seperate from their family (which is just wrong) when you could just be loving and supportive to someone who deserves 2x's the attention these married people are getting" Then the above post, so which are you talking about, meeting the children after a divorce, which is what the first one sounds like, or meeting them when the Affair is still going on, which is what your 2nd post sounds like. The first post I can't see what the problem would be providing all parties were agreeable to it, obviously it would be possible the previous partner might not want the new partner to see the children, so in that case I think you would have to respect that persons choice. The 2nd scenario, IMO a definite no no.
Guest Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 First let me start of by saying I myself am married and I have been involved with a married man for a little over a year now. In no way am I trying to justify what we have been doing because it is wrong..... I am a strong believer in closing one door before you open another. The people her talk a lot about sex but what I have found with this person is far more than that. My relationship with him is something that I have never had with my husband. We both went into this because we were looking for something that was not being fulfilled with our spouses.... I never wanted to fall in love with him and I am sure he feels the same sameway, but something happened there is this warmth when we are togther.. this feeling that we belong together.. The problem is he has 2 small children and I would never want him to leave his children because I think that they need him. Now his wife has known about us for quit sometime and honestly if when she had called me she has told me she loved her husband and wanted her marriage ti work I would have stopped right then and there even though at this time I had already developed feelings for him and very strong feelings at that.... Instead she told me to take him that she did not want him anyway anymore....................................... So I guess my question and problem is what should I really do, I know that I want more and so does he but I would never be able to live with myself if he left his children for me. Everybody says you should never stay together because of the children but she would be the type that would give him problems. So should we both stay in marriages that are just not working and I know that there are no guarntees for us; but shouldn't we be allowed to explore the possibility without feeling guilty. SO to you not everyone is out to destroy families, what if the family is already distroyed. Isn't it healthier for children to know that they have 2 parents who love them but can't live together than to have 2 parents who are constantly at eachother's throat. Can someone tell me does anybody think about dealing with married persons kids after they get divorced? I mean reading these threads it seems like everyone's on la la land.Why wait for someone to seperate from their family (which is just wrong) when you could just be loving and supportive to someone who deserves 2x's the attention these married people are getting? Why?
woe_is_me Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 Sometimes, 1Heart, the OW has a child or children too that the MM uses to endear himself to her. Yet another sad angle on EMAs.
outofdarkness Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Can someone tell me does anybody think about dealing with married persons kids after they get divorced? I mean reading these threads it seems like everyone's on la la land.Why wait for someone to seperate from their family (which is just wrong) when you could just be loving and supportive to someone who deserves 2x's the attention these married people are getting? Why? I really don't get what your point is...The OW/OM should NEVER be brought in to the A..Unfortunately, there are some out there who will callously use the kids to either "hook" the OW/OM or just make it more intense; there by harder to leave..It's cold, callous, mean spirited and well..just f----- up!
scaredinlove Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Can someone tell me does anybody think about dealing with married persons kids after they get divorced? I mean reading these threads it seems like everyone's on la la land.Why wait for someone to seperate from their family (which is just wrong) when you could just be loving and supportive to someone who deserves 2x's the attention these married people are getting? Why? There is a lot od talking about kids all the tima and people do thoink about them too.MM kids are grown up , mine are little so I always tell him, if he ever decides to be with me it will be "By one get three free" he laughs but is aware that my kids are very important.
GreenEyedLady Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Can someone tell me does anybody think about dealing with married persons kids after they get divorced? I mean reading these threads it seems like everyone's on la la land.Why wait for someone to seperate from their family (which is just wrong) when you could just be loving and supportive to someone who deserves 2x's the attention these married people are getting? Why? I'm not sure exactly what you're asking...are you saying don't be involved with a MP if they have kids? In that case, what if they are married and don't have kids? Your post isn't really clear could you clarify?
sadbuttrue Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 i met MM's kids recently, they are 3 and 4 yrs old. they really liked me. of course it was at a public place with a lot of other people there. but we hung out for a while. while MM was busy with something else. it did make me feel worse to actually see them and get to know them a little. we were drawing pictures, and they wanted me to draw each of them, then the oldest asked me to draw his mom and dad, and he then he said draw you too. he wanted me to put myself in the picture right next to his mom, dad, himself and his brother. i hope the picture didnt make it home. they asked me what my name was, and i was reluctant to tell them, but i did. MM's W knows my name and she would not be pleased to know that i had so much as spoken to her children. the kids had never met me before, and i would never insinuate myself into their lives.
outofdarkness Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 i met MM's kids recently, they are 3 and 4 yrs old. they really liked me. of course it was at a public place with a lot of other people there. but we hung out for a while. while MM was busy with something else. it did make me feel worse to actually see them and get to know them a little. we were drawing pictures, and they wanted me to draw each of them, then the oldest asked me to draw his mom and dad, and he then he said draw you too. he wanted me to put myself in the picture right next to his mom, dad, himself and his brother. i hope the picture didnt make it home. they asked me what my name was, and i was reluctant to tell them, but i did. MM's W knows my name and she would not be pleased to know that i had so much as spoken to her children. the kids had never met me before, and i would never insinuate myself into their lives. well..shame on you..that is what my H did behind my back and I can tell you that it crushed me even more then the cheating itself...I could have other words, but I could get nasty and don't want to upset myself.
silentcharon Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 My ex's parents divorced because his dad had an affair, when he was four years old. He told me he went to the OW's place once in a while before and after the divorce. His mom knew that her STBXH was taking my ex to the OW's place and she didn't like it one bit- the worst part was that his dad didn't care. He recalled many arguements over him, and how the OW seemed to be 'too friendly' to him, perhaps to ensnare him the way she did his dad. My ex is now traumatized by what happened with his parents divorce- and he is almost 24 now. He didn't find out that it was an affair that broke his parents up until he was old enough to understand it. Once he did, he hated his dad for it- hated him for hurting his mom in the worst possible way. He also hated his mom because she always badmouthed his dad to him, during and after the divorce. He hated the OW for many obvious reasons- he hated them because they used him as a pawn in the whole thing, or at least, that was how he felt. I think it is terrible how some children go through this kind of thing- even years after the affair, I saw the damage first hand in my ex. Some people do think of the kids, and that's good- however, some people don't- and they cause the kind of damage in kids like my ex.
outofdarkness Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 My ex's parents divorced because his dad had an affair, when he was four years old. He told me he went to the OW's place once in a while before and after the divorce. His mom knew that her STBXH was taking my ex to the OW's place and she didn't like it one bit- the worst part was that his dad didn't care. He recalled many arguements over him, and how the OW seemed to be 'too friendly' to him, perhaps to ensnare him the way she did his dad. My ex is now traumatized by what happened with his parents divorce- and he is almost 24 now. He didn't find out that it was an affair that broke his parents up until he was old enough to understand it. Once he did, he hated his dad for it- hated him for hurting his mom in the worst possible way. He also hated his mom because she always badmouthed his dad to him, during and after the divorce. He hated the OW for many obvious reasons- he hated them because they used him as a pawn in the whole thing, or at least, that was how he felt. I think it is terrible how some children go through this kind of thing- even years after the affair, I saw the damage first hand in my ex. Some people do think of the kids, and that's good- however, some people don't- and they cause the kind of damage in kids like my ex. Yeah, I agree..when the kids get put in the middle or used as pawns, it's worst then the cheating itself IMO..They are just another casualty in the whole A thing...
sadbuttrue Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 ood, MM did not bring the kids to meet me, we were both at the same place to work on a school project we were both involved in. he had to bring the kids because he had no where else for them to go. i just kept them busy while everyone else worked. they have no idea there is anything between me and their dad. i would not want to hurt those kids for anything. i hate that what their dad and i are doing could jeopardize their happiness. but they are his kids, ultimately he has to decide what is best for them, not me. my kids know nothing of MM, and wont. you know, i think about what i want in the future, and it is a husband who will be a good father to my children. i think that if i ever did have MM then, i would just be taking him away from his own children to be with mine, and that is not fair. strange to think of it that way.
whichwayisup Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 i would not want to hurt those kids for anything. i hate that what their dad and i are doing could jeopardize their happiness. but they are his kids, ultimately he has to decide what is best for them, not me. my kids know nothing of MM, and wont. Read this 100x times and think of this when you're with your MM. Seriously, you have the insight, the compassion yet you can't apply it into your own situation with your MM. Those kids WILL remember you. They could end up saying something to their mom, especially when she asks about their day. you know, i think about what i want in the future, and it is a husband who will be a good father to my children. i think that if i ever did have MM then, i would just be taking him away from his own children to be with mine, and that is not fair. strange to think of it that way. Read this 100x too. Again, you have insight, yet can't apply it to your life, and what you need to do. No matter how painful it is for you, you know that all this is going to blow up and so many innocent people are going to get hurt.
sadbuttrue Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 wwiu, it is easy to see what should be done, but so much harder to put the action behind it. i am still trying to get there. i know the what is right, and what is wrong, i just have to convince my heart that what feels so right, is so very, very wrong.
whichwayisup Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I know you're trying..Just hope that your "I have had ENOUGH" day comes sooner rather than later. Better you calling it off than his wife finding out that he is still seeing you on the side.
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