kittycat71 Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 I've been dating my MM for 7 years. I get to see my MM quite often. We go out in public and I have dinner with him once a week. We go on 2 - 3 major trips per year (whole week), enjoy 3/4 night trips four to five times per year. Plus, I'm on his boat every other weekend or so during the summer. The background... During those 7 years I've always thought "it's just another 6 months before he leaves". He led me on, led me to believe he was leaving. We even looked at houses. This past February he admitted that he's having a hard time leaving his kids. He has three kids, a 22 yr old, an 18 yr old and a 12 yr old. He believes the youngest needs him at home (and that may be true). So he thinks it's now going to be 5 years before he leaves. I say HALLELUIAH -- I finally got a truthful answer. I'd rather have a truthful answer than a BS answer. At least I know where I stand and what my future holds. For the majority of the 7 years he has paid for trips, meals, groceries and even sometimes my rent ;-) 8 months ago I took a job with more $$ and started contributing financially to our relationship, like paying for dinner once in a while and paying for 1/2 of my trips. I thought he was leaving, so I didn't mind contributing to OUR future and I felt bad because he had helped me out in the past. But one day when the pizza arrived and he wanted me to pay -- I was like WTF? You come over for a quickie, order pizza, make me pay and then leave and go home to be with your family? This is not how this works! So now we've been in negotiations of how the next phase of our relationship is going to work... I say if he wants us to be together (and have me wait around) he needs to pony up expenses... every woman in a relationship "not an EMR" gets economies of scale eventually and ends up sharing expenses such as rent, living, trips etc with her man. Probably more often than not, if the woman provides sexual services to her man, she could probably get away with not contributing much or anything at all, but would end up with 50% of the assets anyway should their relationship fail. All I want is my fair share... my life style should not be sacrificed just because he's married. I should get equal treatment or why stay with him, when I could leave and go find a SG where in a year or so we could be sharing expenses and contributing to my future wealth. It's not at all about the money, it's more of the principle of him viewing me as his girlfriend or a wife. I'm NOT, I'm his mistress. I don't get any of the perks of those other types of relationships (like sleepovers 100% of the time, ability to take him to events in my life, sharing Christmas and other holidays, 50% of the marital assets, or even the economies of scale of building a future together). I provide all the emotional & sexual support to him but his wife get 50% of the assets, doesn't pay for a thing at home and I'm now left to pay 100% of my rent, spend Christmas and holidays by myself, I can't date, have friends and family think that I may be a lesbian 'cause I never bring a date to any events ;-) Ha ha! Because he admitted that he's likely not leaving for 5 years or perhaps even never, the tables have turned. I'm waiting, wasting life, time and money and he's playing house at home... paying down his mortgage, watching his kids grow, allowing his wife to spend all their $$ and never contributing. It's time to start thinking about ME and my future! So I'm asking you ladies' what kind of perks you get from these EMR's. I already know that the sex has never been better, but what else is in it for you? Do you get any perks? Monthly allowances, gifts, cars, jewelry, condos, dinners, trips etc. I need your help, 'cause my contract is up for renewal and I want to change the terms. I think ALL the sacrifices I make should have some value... at this point I don't think he sacrifices anything but time with his family and if he wasn't with me it would be someone else or golf, so there's no guilt there. Perhaps 7 years makes you tired of the game and I do enjoy our relationship, but if I want to wait it out, I don't want to sacrifice my future wealth to be with him. Thoughts?
NearlyThere Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 I've been dating my MM for 7 years. I get to see my MM quite often. We go out in public and I have dinner with him once a week. We go on 2 - 3 major trips per year (whole week), enjoy 3/4 night trips four to five times per year. Plus, I'm on his boat every other weekend or so during the summer. The background... During those 7 years I've always thought "it's just another 6 months before he leaves". He led me on, led me to believe he was leaving. We even looked at houses. This past February he admitted that he's having a hard time leaving his kids. He has three kids, a 22 yr old, an 18 yr old and a 12 yr old. He believes the youngest needs him at home (and that may be true). So he thinks it's now going to be 5 years before he leaves. I say HALLELUIAH -- I finally got a truthful answer. I'd rather have a truthful answer than a BS answer. At least I know where I stand and what my future holds. For the majority of the 7 years he has paid for trips, meals, groceries and even sometimes my rent ;-) 8 months ago I took a job with more $$ and started contributing financially to our relationship, like paying for dinner once in a while and paying for 1/2 of my trips. I thought he was leaving, so I didn't mind contributing to OUR future and I felt bad because he had helped me out in the past. But one day when the pizza arrived and he wanted me to pay -- I was like WTF? You come over for a quickie, order pizza, make me pay and then leave and go home to be with your family? This is not how this works! So now we've been in negotiations of how the next phase of our relationship is going to work... I say if he wants us to be together (and have me wait around) he needs to pony up expenses... every woman in a relationship "not an EMR" gets economies of scale eventually and ends up sharing expenses such as rent, living, trips etc with her man. Probably more often than not, if the woman provides sexual services to her man, she could probably get away with not contributing much or anything at all, but would end up with 50% of the assets anyway should their relationship fail. All I want is my fair share... my life style should not be sacrificed just because he's married. I should get equal treatment or why stay with him, when I could leave and go find a SG where in a year or so we could be sharing expenses and contributing to my future wealth. It's not at all about the money, it's more of the principle of him viewing me as his girlfriend or a wife. I'm NOT, I'm his mistress. I don't get any of the perks of those other types of relationships (like sleepovers 100% of the time, ability to take him to events in my life, sharing Christmas and other holidays, 50% of the marital assets, or even the economies of scale of building a future together). I provide all the emotional & sexual support to him but his wife get 50% of the assets, doesn't pay for a thing at home and I'm now left to pay 100% of my rent, spend Christmas and holidays by myself, I can't date, have friends and family think that I may be a lesbian 'cause I never bring a date to any events ;-) Ha ha! Because he admitted that he's likely not leaving for 5 years or perhaps even never, the tables have turned. I'm waiting, wasting life, time and money and he's playing house at home... paying down his mortgage, watching his kids grow, allowing his wife to spend all their $$ and never contributing. It's time to start thinking about ME and my future! So I'm asking you ladies' what kind of perks you get from these EMR's. I already know that the sex has never been better, but what else is in it for you? Do you get any perks? Monthly allowances, gifts, cars, jewelry, condos, dinners, trips etc. I need your help, 'cause my contract is up for renewal and I want to change the terms. I think ALL the sacrifices I make should have some value... at this point I don't think he sacrifices anything but time with his family and if he wasn't with me it would be someone else or golf, so there's no guilt there. Perhaps 7 years makes you tired of the game and I do enjoy our relationship, but if I want to wait it out, I don't want to sacrifice my future wealth to be with him. Thoughts? My only thoughts are that I can hear the clippity cloppity sounds as you cross the bridge.
herenow Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 I think it's a great idea for you to be paid for your services.
quankanne Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 boy lady, you've got some balls, that's for sure! look, in his eyes, you're the something extra on the side, and he really doesn't owe you anything for putting out. Because the only thing that gets exchanged in an extramarital affair is bodily fluids ... he has nor moral or legal responsibility for your welfare.
quankanne Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 I can't date to borrow a line from my sister when she's getting on to her kids: "There's no such thing as 'can't.' It's not that you 'can't' do something, but rather, you 'won't.'" In other words, *he's* not holding you back, YOU are.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 This is not how this works! Oh, this is exactly how it works! He gets to play the field, his wife gets the financial and social perks, and you get scr#wed, oh, and to buy the pizza, and to listen to his excuses and his whining about what a mess he's made of his life. Certainly that's a small price to pay for hot sex!
kepners Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 WOW - misses, i never knew women got in to relationships for money alone, i thought it but never heard it spoken! hahah - i am sorry to flame you. your going to get flamed HARD for this post. honey, ur his extra, its ur choice not to do the above. He owes you nothing. the wife has all of that. he's cheating on her, and becuase of you, she will get more! american law is based on a french man version of English law... and thats all based on Tort which is based on religious morals.... now where in any of those laws does it say EMR are FINE and we share the wealth between everybody. Honey, get urself a RICHER MM!
Trimmer Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 C'mon, you guys, she has some valid points here... All I want is my fair share... You only want what's fair. I think that's admirable. I think in order to ensure that you get what's fair, you are on the right track: So now we've been in negotiations of how the next phase of our relationship is going to work... ...my contract is up for renewal and I want to change the terms. Now, in contract negotiations, of course, all parties that are economically involved in the contract should be present, well-informed, and work to achieve a meeting of the minds. So to work out what's fair, you simply need to sit down with him and his wife, and lay out a road map for the next few years; maybe do some spreadsheets and budgets to see what he can afford in the way of allowances, perks - maybe some equity sharing, or a pension plan; hey... get medical and dental, at least! - and figure out what you can all agree on. What's that you say? She wouldn't sit down with you? Oh, wait - does she even know you? Does she know about all the "perks" you do get? The money he spends on you? Does she think that when you are away on these trips together that he is on business, contributing to the "economies of scale of building their future together"? You are so adept at putting it into economic/contractual terms; if you're answering "no" to any of these questions, then you aren't entering into a "fair" negotiation, because you are talking about wanting to absorb economic resources that are being deceptively diverted from his family. To continue the economic analogy - which you should appreciate - he is committing the equivalent of corporate fraud, diverting funds from the marriage, while hiding that fact from the stakeholders. And you're trying to get him to divert a bigger slice of the pie. Please consider these points before you go talking about negotiating from a position of fairness. And although you probably think of his wife as a cold, useless, emotionless woman, consider that what you said about your situation could very well be said by her, and regardless of their relationship or what a horrible person you think she might be, she actually has better "contractual" standing (known legally as "a marriage") to say it: [imaginary quote from kittycat's_MM's_Wife]"...my life style should not be sacrificed just because he's [got a mistress.] I should get equal treatment or why stay with him, when I could leave and go find a SG where in a year or so we could be sharing expenses and contributing to my [and my kids'] future wealth." Only, she can't say that, because she doesn't know, does she? What's that about "fair" again?
kepners Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 TRIMMER i want to give you a medal on taking my post to the next logical level utter brilliant writing!! seriously impressed!!
herenow Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 Just to add, not too long ago there was a story about a MM who had a long time affair with an OW. This OW felt as the OP does that she deserved to be compensated for her services. So, when the MM died, she sued for part of his estate based on their LTA. Well, not only did the OW lose, but the wife sued her and the wife won. The MM had spent thousands on gifts and vacations with marital funds that he didn't have the right to spend. The OW now owes the wife lots of money that she doesn't have.
quankanne Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 when the MM died, she ask for part of his estate based on their LTA. Well, not only did the OW lose, but the wife sued her and the wife won. ouch! But I think it just goes to prove my point that an affair is about sex and nothing more ...
whichwayisup Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 You knew going in to this situation he was a married man. If you don't like being the OW, end the relationship with him and tell him to call you when the divorce is official. IF you choose to stay the OW in his life, that is your role. ON his terms, his times, when he can fit you in. Get used to be put last, get used to be his fun, his fantasy and be there for him when HE needs you. HE won't be there for you during your rough times. He can promise you he'll leave when his oldest is older and more grown up, but he's feeding you a line. If he truely wanted to end his marriage, he would do so, and be with you - But, why should he end his marriage when he has two women meeting all his needs? What I can't understand is, why you're wasting your life away for him. HE has a wife, children, a home, a life built..Friends and family. You don't have ANY of that in your life...You WON'T have any of that with him. If you want a family, BREAK IT OFF with him, heal and then go find yourself a single man to start you life off with. Your choice, but man, after 7 years...What do you have to show for it? Nothing really. Good sex, fun conversations, presents, some memories... That is the role your MM wants from you...So...Doesn't that just piss you off? Why do you feel you deserve less. You're taking table scraps from another woman's husband! ... During those 7 years I've always thought "it's just another 6 months before he leaves". He led me on, led me to believe he was leaving. We even looked at houses. This past February he admitted that he's having a hard time leaving his kids. He has three kids, a 22 yr old, an 18 yr old and a 12 yr old. He believes the youngest needs him at home (and that may be true). So he thinks it's now going to be 5 years before he leaves. I say HALLELUIAH -- I finally got a truthful answer. I'd rather have a truthful answer than a BS answer. At least I know where I stand and what my future holds. You will be the OW for as long as you want. He won't end it. If it ends, it will be because you decide you want a man who can provide you with EVERYTHING, not just his penis and his wallet. He's truthfulness to you is telling you he has no plans to change. NO plans to leave his wife and kids...Fool yourself all you want, but that is never going to change. If you wanna wait for another 5-8 years go for it, but you'll be a very lonely woman who missed out in life, waiting for another woman's husband - A KNOWN liar and a cheater - You want that for your future?? He's capable of living a double life. His marriage, his children, his wedding vows wasn't enough to keep him faithful - What makes you think that he won't do the same to you if you two DID end up together??? For the majority of the 7 years he has paid for trips, meals, groceries and even sometimes my rent ;-) 8 months ago I took a job with more $$ and started contributing financially to our relationship, like paying for dinner once in a while and paying for 1/2 of my trips. I thought he was leaving, so I didn't mind contributing to OUR future and I felt bad because he had helped me out in the past. But one day when the pizza arrived and he wanted me to pay -- I was like WTF? You come over for a quickie, order pizza, make me pay and then leave and go home to be with your family? This is not how this works! Yes, that IS how it works. You are the OW, NOT his wife. You provide fun and fantasy for him. He owes you nothing. You owe him nothing. You two are in an affair, that is all. You knew going in he was married, so this is the price you pay by getting involved with a married man. If you don't want to play that game, then END the affair and find a man that isn't married. You are ENABLING his behaviour, letting him treat you like a piece of dog crap. You put up with it, OFCOURSE he will continue to act that way. You want it to stop??? Break UP with him. Tell him goodbye, then your problem is solved. So now we've been in negotiations of how the next phase of our relationship is going to work... If you have to 'negotiate' a relationship or a future with a man, it won't work. NOTHING goes to plan - Just go read more threads in this section. I say if he wants us to be together (and have me wait around) he needs to pony up expenses... every woman in a relationship "not an EMR" gets economies of scale eventually and ends up sharing expenses such as rent, living, trips etc with her man. Probably more often than not, if the woman provides sexual services to her man, she could probably get away with not contributing much or anything at all, but would end up with 50% of the assets anyway should their relationship fail. This is sick! If you want to be with him, END IT NOW. If he loves you, he'll end his marriage and be with you. Why give him what he wants, two women in his life...By staying, he won't change. He won't choose. He'll keep things as they are now. Also, you think very low of yourself, to make him pay. WTF is that? Please, get some therapy in because you're doing damage to yourself, ruining who you are. All I want is my fair share... my life style should not be sacrificed just because he's married. I should get equal treatment or why stay with him, when I could leave and go find a SG where in a year or so we could be sharing expenses and contributing to my future wealth. Again, you knew going in he was married. You play the role of the OW. you don't like it, end it and walk away... You wanna rich man to pay attention to you, go do that! This guy isn't going to be yours, ever... It's not at all about the money, it's more of the principle of him viewing me as his girlfriend or a wife. I'm NOT, I'm his mistress. I don't get any of the perks of those other types of relationships (like sleepovers 100% of the time, ability to take him to events in my life, sharing Christmas and other holidays, 50% of the marital assets, or even the economies of scale of building a future together). Atleast you know your place. His mistress. How long do you wanna be that? Can you imagine yourself 55 or 65 years old, alone, waiting for him? That is where you're heading if you don't take control of your life and take responsibility for your actions and choices in life. I provide all the emotional & sexual support to him but his wife get 50% of the assets, doesn't pay for a thing at home and I'm now left to pay 100% of my rent, spend Christmas and holidays by myself, I can't date, have friends and family think that I may be a lesbian 'cause I never bring a date to any events ;-) Ha ha! You are fantasy...His wife is reality. You have noone to blame but yourself. DO NOT blame his wife. Christ, she had his children...You, did not, so why do you feel you deserve MORE from him than she does? YOU CAN DATE. YOU CAN BE HAPPY! All you gotta do is tell him goodbye and BOOM! You will have your life back. The ball is in your court!! Because he admitted that he's likely not leaving for 5 years or perhaps even never, the tables have turned. I'm waiting, wasting life, time and money and he's playing house at home... paying down his mortgage, watching his kids grow, allowing his wife to spend all their $$ and never contributing. It's time to start thinking about ME and my future! Again, you can have your own life...Create your own family...Just not with him. He has a wife, kids, created a family, a house, friends, inlaws, a history with his wife, neighbours, work buddies...You can have all that with someone else!! Do you see what I am saying??? YOU ARE WASTING away, killing yourself waiting for a married man. So I'm asking you ladies' what kind of perks you get from these EMR's. I already know that the sex has never been better, but what else is in it for you? Do you get any perks? Monthly allowances, gifts, cars, jewelry, condos, dinners, trips etc. Read my post to you again and then read your question. I hope you see how sad you sound...How greedy you sound...How F'ed up in the head you sound... I need your help, 'cause my contract is up for renewal and I want to change the terms. I think ALL the sacrifices I make should have some value... at this point I don't think he sacrifices anything but time with his family and if he wasn't with me it would be someone else or golf, so there's no guilt there. Perhaps 7 years makes you tired of the game and I do enjoy our relationship, but if I want to wait it out, I don't want to sacrifice my future wealth to be with him. Thoughts? You need a therapist because in 7 years this man is still going to be with his wife. You will be poor, waiting for him....Alone, lonely and full of so much regret for pissing and waiting your life away. Good luck, you're gonna need it if you plan on letting this man use you.
justice Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 You don't have a right to anything at all. Except to expect him to come over and do what comes natural. And half the time, after he finds out about your change of attitude, you may not even get that. The one who does have a "right" is his wife, you know, the one you and he are lying to all the time? Yeah, her. Seriously, seven years is a long time, I wouldn't expect anything more. Why pay for the whole cow when you can get the milk for free?
kepners Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 i bet she dont reply or defend herself, i bet she read a few posts and thought **** you lot and will carry on. then be back in a year bitching....
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 It's time to start thinking about ME and my future! In that case, you'll want to remove yourself from this dead end situation, and begin to build a legitimate life.
GreenEyedLady Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 I was going to keep my mouth shut and then I remembered who I am... Most OW here actually LOVE their MM and do not consider their R a service to be rendered... Would you set terms with a single guy?! Please... It seems that you view OW as prostitutes...you don't know how wrong your view is... Maybe you should go crawl back under your bridge now...
Trialbyfire Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 You may want to charge up front while he's standing on the outside of your door threshold. This will ensure that if he doesn't have the cash, there will be no goods delivered or services rendered, just like cash bars do.
lonelybird Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 What is a man "worth to stay with" when he cheat by choice and continually????? no quality:sick: How long can you kiding yourself?
scaredinlove Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Like GEL said if you were dating a single guy and he didn't want to livr with you or marry you then you had no rights to ask for anything.IF HE WANTS TO GIVE IT THAT IS FINE ,BUT IT SHOULDN'T BE AN OBLIGATION My MM helps me with gas for my car.At first I protesteD.But he said that since I had do all the travelling to us to meet and I am a single mother it was just fair that he should contribute. In the past WE would take turns travelling back and forth.We are 40 minutes away from each other, sometimes I would go to see him, sometimes he would come to my town. Now he cannot come to see me and I have to go to meet him all the time. So he came up with this deal. It does make me uncomfortable though.
Salicious Crumb Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 I've been dating my MM for 7 years. I get to see my MM quite often. We go out in public and I have dinner with him once a week. We go on 2 - 3 major trips per year (whole week), enjoy 3/4 night trips four to five times per year. Plus, I'm on his boat every other weekend or so during the summer. The background... During those 7 years I've always thought "it's just another 6 months before he leaves". He led me on, led me to believe he was leaving. We even looked at houses. This past February he admitted that he's having a hard time leaving his kids. He has three kids, a 22 yr old, an 18 yr old and a 12 yr old. He believes the youngest needs him at home (and that may be true). So he thinks it's now going to be 5 years before he leaves. I say HALLELUIAH -- I finally got a truthful answer. I'd rather have a truthful answer than a BS answer. At least I know where I stand and what my future holds. For the majority of the 7 years he has paid for trips, meals, groceries and even sometimes my rent ;-) 8 months ago I took a job with more $$ and started contributing financially to our relationship, like paying for dinner once in a while and paying for 1/2 of my trips. I thought he was leaving, so I didn't mind contributing to OUR future and I felt bad because he had helped me out in the past. But one day when the pizza arrived and he wanted me to pay -- I was like WTF? You come over for a quickie, order pizza, make me pay and then leave and go home to be with your family? This is not how this works! You are screwing another woman's husband...and all you are worried about is paying for a pizza?
kepners Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 people she wont be back to make a comment on this. ANd now i am starting to think maybe this post isnt even real, because there are NO posters comments....
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