annabelle75 Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 As if my dating life hasn’t been screwed up enough lately (recent break-up), another layer has been added to the confusion. As talked about in a previous thread I have recently made a new “friend” with the idea of us taking things slowly and possibly dating. We went out this weekend and saw a movie (Spiderman 3 was awesome!). We had a good time and I really enjoyed being with him. The only thing that is making me hesitant is that I am concerned that he is so nice that he just has no back bone. I’m a very authoritative and pro-active person, so I am worried he’d be the type of guy that would let me walk all over him. I don’t find that attractive at all. I’m starting to think that maybe we’d be better off just staying friends for now. Its frustrating because he is really attractive and treats me great, but the lack of a back bone is making it hard for me to really connect with him. I haven’t given up yet and am more than willing to give it more time, but I am disappointed for now. And to add to the confusion ……… I got a phone call last night from my high school sweetheart. Now he and I lost contact after high school for more than a decade and got in touch again after I was divorced. For the last 2 years he and I have had a kind of arrangement that we would see each other during his breaks from grad school as long as neither one of us was seeing anyone else. He lives in another state and we have taken turns visiting each other and even meet in Vegas for my birthday last year. He is a really great guy and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have feelings for him. In fact, if I had my choice of any man on the face of the earth to spend my life with, it would be him. We are great together and I would love to date him (even long distance) but the reality is that he still has a year of grad school left leaving him no time for a relationship and when he is out of school there is little chance he would make the choice to move to where I live with my daughter. Even though we have never discussed it, I ruled out the idea of us ever having a real relationship some time ago. Well last night he called because school is out in a week (I usually hear from him every couple of weeks). He was thrilled last month to find out my last relationship had ended (how very supportive ) and wanted to update me on his schedule for the summer. I have a friend that lives near him that is getting married in July. I asked him if he wanted to be my date and he immediately said yes and asked when he needed to pick me up from the airport. I’ll be spending the weekend with him now and taking him to the wedding. I figured since it was only going to be only a weekend it would leave me with little emotional turmoil afterwards (every time I see him I end up with an emotional hang over). He then asked about coming to visit me for a week later in the summer. Ugh …… I would love to have him here but I know it will be such a downer once he goes back to school and I only get a call or text every two weeks. I kind of put him off on discussing him coming to see me and focused more on the weekend. Its hard to spend time with some one that you have serious feelings for but honestly believe there would be no future with. And to top it all off, the guy that dumped me a month ago doesn’t seem to understand that when you dump some one it isn’t customary to continue to call, text, email and IM them daily. Its all just very weird. Sigh …. I just needed to vent and write it all out. My brain and heart are all just a big mess of conflicting emotions right now. Part of me just wants to give up, swear of boys and just find a new hobby to keep me entertained.
Aloros Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 Maybe you should explain to your high school sweetheart how you feel - that you adore him, but having him around for an extended period of time, only to leave, makes you very sad. Are you sure he wouldn't move out for you? If you're sure, then you just have to decide if the emotional high you get from having him around is worth the subsequent crash. For no-backbone-dude, don't settle! My ex was a very nice, very sweet guy, but he didn't have much of a backbone. It always made me so angry when he let people take advantage of him, and when I was wronged by someone, he wouldn't stand up for me! I had a roommate who stopped paying rent, and avoided me so she wouldn't have to be confronted, and when my ex-bf ran into her, he had a friendly conversation with her! No mention of the rent she owed me, and I was really hard up for cash at this point. So you walking all over him is not the only thing you have to worry about when you're dating someone with little to no backbone. It's just not a pretty situation, especially when you are pro-active. As for the ex who won't stop contacting you, just send him a clear message that you don't wish to be in contact with him right now, as it's uncomfortable for you. Don't reply to him. Sometimes you have to be a little mean, because any friendliness is misconstrued. Good luck!
kepners Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 mr NO-back-bone is a gonna.... we all know this!! I am SURE you have tested him on more than once... with a verbal insult which i let lie, then another one, then a situation, then a no call... now one you you should think about is that if he's let you get away with this is could mean he's not even bothered about anything you do! A REAL MAN! but the subtle difference i guess is the fact him noticing you doing it making a remark / insult-ish back then letting it go. scarface has the best man on woman situation every! then he dances with Phiffers character in disco, and she insults him really hard, and he reacts but with compliments that are jagged and does it over and over and over till he's turned it to a positive! hehe
Author annabelle75 Posted May 7, 2007 Author Posted May 7, 2007 The high school sweetheart situation is some how very simple and very complex. Its simple in the way that we have basically have a no strings attached relationship when it is convenient and we are both unattached. It is complex in the way that deep down I would give anything to have it be more than that. Its all just a matter of if can spend time with him while maintaining a certain level of emotional detachment. The last time we were together (last December), I spent a week with him and it was amazing. He treated me like his girlfriend the entire time and I left thinking that it would continue as such. About three weeks after I returned home, the flurry of phone calls and such stopped and reverted back to the way it was before. It was a pretty big emotional let down. I made the mistake of letting myself believe it was more than it was. Its hard because I know he does have feelings for me, but just not the same as I have for him. If he did, he would not leave the door open for me to date others. One of the things though I have trouble understanding is that he has made a point of letting me know that since he and I started casually seeing each other he hasn’t been with anyone else. I find that odd considering he is a very attractive man spending all his time around young college girls. I figured he would be getting around quite a bit. I think the fact that he was my first love, first kiss and first everything else makes our little get togethers seem all the more romantic and sweet. I’m just going to have to really keep my head out of the clouds when I see him in July. I’m going to have to find a way to enjoy myself with him with out getting caught up in all the emotions.
D-Lish Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 I think it's really important NOT TO put your life on hold for your highschool sweetheart. It seems that you've spent years with unresolved feelings, and now you are waiting until July to see him again. The bottom line is that- yes, it does sound as if he is busy. Grad school is no easy walk in the park. However, you guys just sort of drift in and out of little trysts without establishing what it is you're actually doing by remaining in contact with each other. You have known each other for years- it's probably time to talk about where this is actually heading! If he has no intention of making a commitment eventually, then you need to know this. Wouldn't you move on if you know this? I just don't think it's worth putting your life on hold for anymore. Talk about it with him. Tell him how you feel- tell him about the emotional hangovers you get when you guys spend a great weekend together and then things get put on the backburner. Who knows- maybe he's feeling the same way. If he's not- you need to know so you can either put things behind you, or start making a concerted effort to be together. But swear off men? nah... the world is too large to believe that there isn't more than one person out there who could fulfill us. Talk to him! Get some answers for yourself. ;-) D
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