jon3105 Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 Hi all, this is a first time post for me here, I stumbled across the forum looking for 'How to cope with a breakup' online. Im 21 and last week my girlfriend of 3 years decided enough was enough and out of the blue ended our relationship (for the usual reasons 'i dont love you anymore, etc). It was particularly strange as we'd spent the evening together booking our holiday, cuddling, watching tv, etc, she then went home, phoned to say goodnight and just dropped the bombshell. Needless to say im finding it incredibly difficult to go on. We practically spent the last 3 years doing absolutly everything together, seeing each other no less than 5 days out of the 7. Doing everything from the days out shopping and trips to the zoo/theme parks to just spending the nights in with a dvd and a takeaway and to having lazy mornings walking the dogs through the woods. Its proving very difficult to take my mind off it all and find anything that doesnt remind me of her. Whats also making it worse for me is that shes completely moved on with her life and I get the impression she was over us before it ended. I've been told shes been seen out on the town with other blokes and so i've been torturing myself with the thoughts of her waking up next to some other bloke on a sunday morning. I've suddenly got all this free time on my hands and am feeling very lonely. I know its my own fault for idolising her so much and not keeping up with friends, etc throughout our relationship, I guess I made the common young persons mistake of expecting us to 'be together forever'. I've joined the local gym in an attempt to get back into shape and build up my confidence a little bit (im quite a shy guy). I suppose I feel like I've come to a dead end. There doesnt seem like theres any light at the end of the tunnel and Im finding it difficult to imagine how I could ever meet someone else that could make me as happy and alive as she did. She was a decent honest girl who never so much as looked at another bloke when we were together (they seem to be hard to come across these days), it makes it that little bit harder that she hasnt really done anything wrong. Just looking to see how you've all got through this before and any advice you might have?
smwhtshy Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 Jon, so sorry to read this, I know the pain you must be feeling. Something to share, that might hurt you a bit, but one of the other posters said it, and its sad but true. She probably had started letting go of the relationship for some time before "dropping the bomb". Many many dumpers do that, they question and doubt the relationship, and then (they think) they don't want to hurt you, so they stew and keep this internal turmoil hidden until they finally figure out, "it aint' gonna work"..the bad thing on that is, you don't get the benefit of knowing they are going thru that "releasing", because they aren't up front about it until they're sure. So, the shock to you about "how could she discount our 3 years, how could she just leave?" is something she has probably been coping with for some time, and is far more prepared for it. Its wrong, deceitful, and manipulative...adult people, in relationships have a responsibility to communicate doubts and fears to their partners as they come up. They are selfish...thinking that they are sparing you the hurt until they're "sure", but in reality they are keeping feelings and potentially devastating information hidden. You are going to go through some sad, tough times for a while, but if you can focus on 2-3 things that were not working for you, and try hard not to idealize her, it will help. And, get angry..! That helps, even though at this point, you might not be able to think that way, at the least you should be angry at her for not communicating with you on this, and for not trying to work through it. Also, I would highly recommend NO CONTACT (NC), because it will hurt, no matter what or how she responds, the only thing that could possibly be positive for you would be "lets get back together", and if she was going to say that, she would be contacting you. Its like a drug, if you can get through a few days/weeks and look back, you'll feel better... If its any consolation (and its probably not at this point, but hopefully you'll remember it later on some level), you WILL come out of this a stronger, more resilient person, and be that much more prepared to meet the right girl for you. She is out there right now, waiting for you to heal and move on from this hurt, to be with you....
Author jon3105 Posted May 8, 2007 Author Posted May 8, 2007 Thanks man, that has helped a lot. I did get a message off her on the weekend saying "Are we still on for sunday, Im looking forward to going out, etc" which was supposedly sent to me by accident instead of her friend. Obviously she was trying to show off the fact she was going out (why I dont know, she was the one who dumped me?). I guess this is something else for me to atleast steam up a little hatred towards her, the fact she seemed to have deliberatly tried to upset me/set me back. I've since just sent her a message, asking her to delete my number to prevent any further "mishaps", she says she wants to stay friends and all that, which is not going to happen for a very long time if at all. Time to go full cold turkey I suppose Thanks again for the advice though, just getting it out of my system and knowing someones there reading it and has gone through the same thing themselves helps a lot.
Author jon3105 Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 God im so angry with myself. Despite living about 15 minutes down the road from each other I've managed to avoid seeing her at all. I was however sat here last night at the PC, twideling my thumbs and who pops up onto msn messenger? At first i ignored it but eventually couldnt resist the urge to say "Hey". I pretended things were all ok and I was over it, we had a normal chat about what we'd been upto and stuff, nothing about the actual breakup. It was a nice talk and i felt fine about it all....until I switched it off and went to bed. Lay there helplessly thinking it all over in my head, I text her the next morning saying it was a mistake talking, etc. She responded simply with "my mind is still made up, we're not getting back together". It sent that big lump in my throat just reading those cold words from someone who a couple weeks ago couldnt tell me how she loved me enough. Just feel like its another set back again and feeling very disappointed with myself for letting it happen. Why is it so difficult to let go!!! Everytime I think im doing well, moving on and forgetting, something seems to hit me and send me crashing back down to reality
randuff Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 You must maintain NC with your ex. You are doing nothing but setting yourself up for more anguish, more heartache. As difficult as it is, do not under any circumstances, talk, text ot IM her. Use this website as a device to release your heartbreak and frustrations. That is what I continue to do to get through the day. Hope this helps and good luck.
directx Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 Dont feel too bad. Just be glad it wasnt four years or more. Its hard to do, no doubt. You are young. The older you get, the more women become available, and alot of hot ones at that. Keep that in mind and move on.
PCMAN Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 Just move on, you will find someone better than her. Good Luck
Fallen_Angel Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Your story sounds exactly like mine (well, except for the obvious difference of me being a girl!) It's going to get a lot harder before it gets easier, but believe me, you will come away from this a stronger person. You'll be amazed when you realize you CAN endure a situation like this. Time is your best friend and your worst enemy. You need time away from her to pick yourself up off the ground and come to terms with life without her. And time will dull the memories and the pain. But of course time will drag on and on while the pain is still fresh... Get out there and do something, anything that may distract you. Have you pushed aside old habits or hobbies you had that she didn't particularly like? Well, they're yours again. Resist any urges to contact her, because it will only make things worse. Sit on your hands, delete her from your buddy list and out of your phone, whatever you have to do. And please, please, PLEASE gather up everything that reminds you of her and put it aside until you're ready. No use in reminding yourself! Hide all the evidence. I often lost sight of the fact that other people have gone through similar situations, and that's why this site is so great. Good luck.
Author jon3105 Posted May 12, 2007 Author Posted May 12, 2007 Thanks everyone, your advice and support does help a lot. As Fallen_Angel said, there a a lot of times where you can lose sight of the fact this is a normal thing and it just feels like your the only one in the world going through this. I've managed to go the last few days by not contacting her in anyway shape or form, which I do feel better for, despite at times feeling the uncontrollable need to. She does have a 'facebook' account which shes briefly been chatting to other guys and stuff on. I know I shouldnt check that because its only going to be things I dont want to see, but its so hard not to And the dreams, oh the dreams. They've got to be one of the worst parts. I go to bed at night, have a dream about us getting back together and doing little ordinary things together, then I wake up and BAM it hits you again. Every single morning. On a more positive note, as said before I've joined the gym and starting eating more healthy than I was (we had a lot of takeaways - now im on things like all bran for breakfast). Through doing and sticking to these things I've lost just over a stone in the last 2 weeks which im pretty pleased with
Kengne Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Im 21 and last week my girlfriend of 3 years decided enough was enough and out of the blue ended our relationship (for the usual reasons 'i dont love you anymore, etc). It was particularly strange as we'd spent the evening together booking our holiday, cuddling, watching tv, etc, she then went home, phoned to say goodnight and just dropped the bombshell. Needless to say im finding it incredibly difficult to go on. Was it really out of the blue? It always amazes me that people will 'claim' a breakup came outta nowhere, when really the writing was on the wall and perhaps you didn't pay enough attention to the warning signs. Did you ever fight? Did she ever bring any issues to the table? We practically spent the last 3 years doing absolutly everything together, seeing each other no less than 5 days out of the 7. Doing everything from the days out shopping and trips to the zoo/theme parks to just spending the nights in with a dvd and a takeaway and to having lazy mornings walking the dogs through the woods. It's great to spend time with your s.o., but when did you ever have any ALONE time? Or give her any alone time? Spending so much time together seems stifling, to me. Its proving very difficult to take my mind off it all and find anything that doesnt remind me of her. Whats also making it worse for me is that shes completely moved on with her life and I get the impression she was over us before it ended. I've been told shes been seen out on the town with other blokes and so i've been torturing myself with the thoughts of her waking up next to some other bloke on a sunday morning. Chances are she prolly had 'checked out' of the relationship - but are you sure she didn't leave any clues along the way? SOME SIGN - that things weren't happy in Perfectville? Cmon now! I've suddenly got all this free time on my hands and am feeling very lonely. I know its my own fault for idolising her so much and not keeping up with friends, etc throughout our relationship, I guess I made the common young persons mistake of expecting us to 'be together forever'. I've joined the local gym in an attempt to get back into shape and build up my confidence a little bit (im quite a shy guy). I'm glad you 100% acknowledge your wrongdoing in letting your social life wither away. You should NEVER make any one person, or relationship, the center of your life, the end all-be all. That is TOO much burden for one person, and if things disintegrate you're left a mess. A HOT mess at that. I suppose I feel like I've come to a dead end. There doesnt seem like theres any light at the end of the tunnel and Im finding it difficult to imagine how I could ever meet someone else that could make me as happy and alive as she did. She was a decent honest girl who never so much as looked at another bloke when we were together (they seem to be hard to come across these days), it makes it that little bit harder that she hasnt really done anything wrong. I know it seems hard - but you WILL find love again! I may be a lil tough on you, but if you read my past posts you will know I've been in this SAME forum - TWICE, for past relships that have ended. So I know ALL about heartache. And you WILL get over it!
Author jon3105 Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 It may sound silly but for me there were no cracks or anything in our relationship, we had our share of rough patches every now and again like any other relationship, but nothing that spelt unhappyness or warranted a break up. I cant remember the last time we had even argued at all, had to have been over 6 months ago, we generally got on really well together but maybe that was part of the problem. Maybe no arguments at all meant all this feeling and frustration was building up inside her, I dunno Maybe there were cracks and I guess I was just blinded by love on my part. I know I had my own faults, which I've been able to learn from, but so did she and so does everyone else. Heck, there'd be nothing more boring than the perfect partner eh? What im saying is there werent any particular underlying problems that I was aware of, sort of havent got much of an explanation on her part other than the typical 'I feel like its just run its course',etc. Its been a rough weekend for me, full of a few ups and downs. I get moments where I just dont think I'l meet anyone else I'd ever get on with as well/feel the same way about. Then I get times where I think "Why am I bothered? I dont need to meet anyone else, not for the moment anyway" and am more focused on me. I think much of how im feeling at the moment about her is a feeling of jealously. Im both jealous of the idea of another man with his hands on her in any way and generally jealous of the fact shes managed to just forget about it and move on, almost like I wish I could too. I've been thinking about counselling, just for someone to talk to more than anything (i get the impression sometimes that friends and family must get bored of talking about it), Im just a little cautious of them simply chucking me on antidepressants
Teddy and Jane Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 Just move on, you will find someone better than her. Good Luck How do you know she was bad though? Her only crime is breaking up with him. That doesn't make her bad or that other women are better. I mean...if we stayed together forever with everyone we'd dated, there would be a 100% divorce rate instead of 50%.
Ormolu611 Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 I cant remember the last time we had even argued at all, had to have been over 6 months ago, we generally got on really well together but maybe that was part of the problem. Maybe no arguments at all meant all this feeling and frustration was building up inside her, I dunno Well, I think that the fact that there were little or no arguments going on was definitely a warning sign! A couple that does not ever argue about anything is a couple with communication problems. Arguing is normal and healthy - I think that when poblems occur, it is a result of how people argue as opposed to frequency. Are the arguments productive? Are any ideas and thoughts being conveyed? Is there any communication actually coming out of it? Maybe she was afraid of conflict? Maybe you were? Either way, this spells disaster in my humble opinion. I never realized how important communication really is. This is really difficult when you are with a partner who has difficulty expessing themselves.
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