Sweets1919 Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 I have been dating my b/f for eight months. I am 33 and he is 31. It is a long distance relationship (1.5 hrs) so we see each other most weekends. After we had been together for six weeks, he told me "I am going to marry you one day" and that he loves me and will never break up with me. Things were great back then and we got along well. He came to my parents' house (1.5hr flight away) to spend a week at Christmas there with us which was nice and he was really attentive to my family and they liked him. In Feb. I felt like we were getting into a rut, with him coming to see me on weekends and me going to see him sometimes (he lives with a roommate and I live alone) and I initiated a conversation and said that I want us to be heading towards a commitment and I did not want to be sitting in my house a year from then waiting for him to come in for his 48 hour visit. I am 34 this fall and I have learned not to waste my time with someone who does not want the same things I do. He told me that he could not see us getting married this summer (2007) or 2008 and "maybe" he could see the summer after that (when I am 35 turning 36!) All my friends who I told said "if he said months ago he wants to marry you, then why the wait?!...esp. seeing I want to have a child or two). A few other "warnings" came up for me: -he says that he will NEVER be in the delivery room with me/his wife when she is having his baby (he'll be in the waiting room smoking a cigar with his brother) -he will NEVER change a baby's diaper. He said he has a strong gag reflex and would rather hire me a nanny (unlikely as he lives in a small town of 2000 people) than help me. (I gave the example of if I was in the shower or wanted to go out with a girlfriend for an evening)...I have to wonder if he would even like/love the baby if he is already wanting to not be involved. -the other day he said (not in exact words) that I would be foolish to ever break up with him because there aren't many guys like him out there (single, never married, no kids, financially secure, good job)....this made it sound to me like he feels like he is almost doing me a favour, he thinks he has all the power and I'll never leave him no matter how much he doesn't give me what I want/need (and remember he had said "I'll never break up with you"...but I wonder "does that mean he'll just push and push so he gets his own way until I HAVE to break up with him?" -I have already said I will move to the small town he lives in (I live in a city of a million people and would have to adjust). -He wants me to sign a prenup (and I probably would, but again, this is a "deal breaker" for him...'no prenup, no wedding' he has told me...doesn't make me feel like I am "everything to him" and that being with me is important or something to even discuss). -He came to my church once and didn't like it (we are both Christian, but different denominations) and has not wanted to go back (so we never go to church, though I would like to). -Last week he called and said he was "going to buy a house (five bedroom/acreage), but he was going to put it subject to me coming to see it because I would "most likely be living there one day". However, the offer was not accepted and the very next day he bought a different house (without me seeing it or an invitation) and it has only two bedrooms. I was disappointed because it made me feel like he is not planning a future with me any time soon. I was visisbly upset and I was honest with him about my feelings. We got into an argument and he said "not to be rude, but today was about me, not about you". -He had told me we would go to Vegas in June and then on a cruise in November. A few months ago he told me Vegas was off but for sure the cruise "just the two of us". Now that he bought his house, he says money is going to be tight so we probably would not be going on the cruise. Yet he tells me last week that he is going to spend a few thousand $ to buy a quad (ATV). -Last week he told me that he would "trust his life" with his brothers and his parents, but not with me. He has told me that his father has never told him he loves him and he has never said it to his dad. -My bf is "proud" of how stubborn he is. -Finally (and probably most importantly), it seems like we don't have much in common anymore. I want to go do fun things, like skating or tennis. He likes coming to my house on Fridays and watching a movie. He says he might break his ankle skating and then he won't be able to work. LAME. We don't seem to talk about emotional things. He tells me he loves me and that I am really special to him. Yet it seems like we talk about superficial things, not things that will deepen our intimacy or our relationship. But if I don't feel like we have a future and I feel like he is stringing me along, a control freak and unwilling to compromise and really want to be a husband and partner to me, I wonder what am I doing and should I end this??
Art_Critic Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 Seems like the relationship is a bit one way.. it seems he is having HIS relationship and hasn't realized that you are in it too.. You need to sit him down after you have done some serious thinking about what you want.. from what I read in your post your BF is a chump and doesn't really care about your feelings..He seems to have no regard for you at all... If I was in a relationship with a GF that I was going to marry you are damn right that I would let her pick out the house and be part of the decision.. and you are damn right I would be in the delivery room and change diapers.. most guys would Is say you need to rethink this relationship..
Author Sweets1919 Posted May 8, 2007 Author Posted May 8, 2007 Thank you for your reply. I talked to him yesterday (over the phone, so I know not the best..but I just could not wait till the weekend when I see him). I expressed my feelings to him, explained I had been hurt and disappointed and what I want for the future (a commitment, preferably marriage next summer). He listened, got a bit "hot" and defensive, but didn't freak out and later called to talk to me more. He again said the same things: I love you, I want to be with you, I do want to marry you, I want to propose out of genuineness not out of being backed into a corner, and that he does not have $20,000 (his figure) to spend on a wedding next year as he just bought his house (he said his family will not help out at all and he does not like the thought of my family paying...I certainly had never even thought about who'd pay but I figured my family would?!) He said that I am the only one for him and that he could see us getting married in two summers from now (2009) when he is financially able and more emotionally "ready". He also mentioned a couple times that we have only been together 8 months. He wants us to enjoy the summertime, relax and he said we can discuss it again in Sept. when we've been together a year. I want to see if we can work it out through communication and effort. Am I being strung along? A huge worry for me is that in 2 years (if we got married then), I would be 35 turning 36 and I am scared that I am going to miss out on my chance to have kids. Thanks!!
Lishy Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaa Slow down woman You are thinking of marrying a man you have been dating for 8MONTHS and only see at weekends? Red flags are shining down on you and you are pushing for marriage? You do not realise how stressful it is having a baby even when you have a helpful husband. It sounds like you will be doing it alone with a controlling man who thinks he is too good to give you support in delivery and to help look after a child! Runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Thats my advice!
jcster Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Don't let your biological clock decide the pace of your relationship!! You've only known the guy 8 months - and long distance at that! The type of timeline that you have set up for yourself is only going to cause you trouble in the long run. You really need to know this guy better before you marry him - he sounds like he's pretty immature.
Touche Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 My H and I got married after knowing each other for exactly 8 months...of course we saw each other every day though before that. But I'd say you know all you need to know about him and it will NOT get better. You quoted him: "not to be rude, but today was about me, not about you". I think you can expect more of the same. He's arrogant and very selfish. The comment about how you won't do better than him alone would send me running for the hills. He's no catch and I can almost GUARANTEE that you will be miserable with a guy like this. Don't waste more time with him. It's not too late to find someone better. And I think the wedding thing is a crock..just an excuse to put you off. You don't HAVE to pay $20,000 for a wedding. My H and I didn't. We paid for it ourselves and had a beautiful wedding. I strongly advise you to not put all your eggs (no pun intended) in this one basket...time to date again.
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