British Kid Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 hi, i'm new here, but I guess I'm looking for some advice now. basically, my gf has been questioning my sexuality based off comments that I have made. I once said I might have been bisexual, but it was in a joking way. the other incident happened last night. I was hanging out with my girl and her best friend in the city and they had said a few things like, "that guy's hot" (in reference to guys on the street). I honestly didn't care, but it brought a question to my mind. i asked them this, (as I can best remember) "is it weird that i don't think about people that way?" I managed to say a few other things too about having to get to know people before i'm attracted to them, but basically it was the truth. I've never really felt anything like what they say before. Now, i love my girl to death, but this really upset her. we had a talk about it today. one thing she said that i really remember is, "i don't want to look back on these years with regret. its already risky enough, but i dont wanna feel tied down to someone who 'isn't there'." this hurt. a lot. I'm straight and know it. when she explained why she got upset, i definitely could see things from her perspective, but it almost seems like she's embarrassed of me. if you need any other details, please ask. Thank you.
mattea Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 i'm not sure i really understand why she suspects that you are bisexual or gay. i mean, the part about your comment about being bisexual makes sense if she didn't realize you were joking. but i don't understand the other incident. i mean, is it because you aren't attracted to women without getting to know them? even if you were gay, you could just as easily be checking out guys and having attractions without knowing them, if you had those tendencies. i don't know... i'm like you i guess. i really don't feel strong attractions to people until i know them at least a little and there is some connection or chemistry between us. so i can understand it. i think there is a stereotype that men are turned on and attracted to people's looks without knowing them, and that goes for gay men too. so why does she deduce that you might be gay? what is her issue that she would say the things she said? do you have a strong attraction to her? if so, do you think that's obvious to her? what's your sex life with her? maybe she doesn't feel like you are really attracted to her or something, and she wants to feel some heat between you. just guessing without knowing the full circumstances.
norajane Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 It's a stereotype that guys are visual creatures and notice/respond to a sexy woman when they see her without caring about being attracted in a holistic sense. See breasts and drool...automatic reaction. I rather think your girl and her friends are a bit young if they don't understand that all men aren't wired the same way. Or you could be looking at the question - is she hot? - too seriously...it's not about being attracted to someone as a person, it's about seeing and appreciating the physical aspects of a woman. Whatever it is, if you are straight and have no reason to question your sexuality, then you have no issues. If she doesn't believe that...then you need to find out why she is so insecure about your attraction to her.
Author British Kid Posted May 7, 2007 Author Posted May 7, 2007 thanks for the advice so far. i think the part that upset her the most is that her friend was there. her friend isn't a judgmental person, but my girl said that "she doesn't want to feel like she has to explain/excuse everything i say" its just that weird stuff like this comes up. the way i said my comment from last night was (in my mind) not intended to be gay or anything like that in any possible way. I was just pointing out a difference, and when i explained that to her today, she said i made an extremely poor choice of words with the "is it weird" part. she said that it wouldn't have really mattered if her friend hadn't been there, but now she's worried about her friend telling others that i'm on the fence or something, because that might drive this other guy who is completely infatuated with my girl to do what he can to "steal her away." she also doesn't want to be put in the position where i break up with her to be with a guy, and her friends say, "oh, we knew about that." right now this whole thing feels like a mess to me. I love her deeply and am very attracted to her and i always try my best to show it. whenever we're together, things always feel so right, but now she says she feels uncomfortable around me. oh, and to answer the question about sex life... none yet.
norajane Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 Sounds like she's far too concerned about what her friends will think than what SHE thinks. And that whole thing about the other guy who wants her and will be led to go after her...spare me...is that a threat? If she's that weak that she might be 'stolen' away, then let her go! I think you can do better than her.
Author British Kid Posted May 7, 2007 Author Posted May 7, 2007 i not sure about that, but you could be right. her friends are her everything, and i understand that, but i think she's looking out for herself a lot too. she said that she doesn't want to look back and see missed opportunities and stuff by being with one guy. I care about her and just want her to be happy, and i was temped to say something like, "then go ahead" (but not in an a-hole way). I was afraid that if I said that, she would take it as a criticism and reinforce the fact that "I'm not attracted to her."
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