poorlittlefish Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 OK, short history: I met a guy about 6 weeks ago, we hit it off and for the first couple of weeks he was saying things like he was obsessed with me, couldn't stop thinking about me etc etc and I was over the moon. When I started to return the sentiments he told me that he wasn't ready for a close relationship and that relationships make him anxious (despite the fact that he was with his last girlfriend for 5 years). We had another talk this weekend and he said that he doesn't want a serious relationship in order to avoid "emotional dependence." I asked if he was talking about love, he said he meant not being responsible for someone else's feelings and not wanting to hurt anyone. He said he's not seeing other girls and isn't looking for anyone else. My point, though, is that we are already in the type of relationship that you can expect after this relatively short period of time: *We text each other every day (though he no longer says the "I can' stop thinking about you" stuff I mentioned above) *We see each other once a week (He doesn't seem to want more than that, plus we live a distance away from each other which doesn't make things easy) *We get on well, he says time goes very quickly when he's with me *He's told his family and friends about me using the term "girlfriend" (though when I asked him yesterday what I am to him his first word was "friend" then he just got silly and said "sister, wife" - not sure what to make of that, I think he's just uncomfortable talking about feelings in general) *We are affectionate with each other *We are having sex I feel really sad that he was so amazingly keen on me - and keen to say so - but now it's like he's had to pull himself in check and I've been left totally confused. I asked him yesterday if he likes me less than he did and he would only say "I like you." If he hadn't have said all those lovely things to me then I wouldn't have started to have such strong feelings for him and I can't turn my feelings on and off like he can! Anyway, he says he doesn't want anything serious and that close relationships scare him. I think we are already in a relationship and that after 6 weeks it's not too surprising that it's not progressed further or am I totally wrong? I'm thinking that if I keep things on an even keel and don't pressure him for more that maybe he'll relax a bit and realise that relationships aren't anything to be scared of after all. I certainly am not able to confess any feelings for him but inside it hurts to know I may never hear him confess any for me either. I really want to carry on seeing him but at the same time I'm worried that I'll end up so hurt by caring for someone who doesn't - or can't - care for me back (or at least can't admit it). What should I do?! Thanks!
ramble on rose Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 I am in a similar boat. Basically I feel you can come up with ten million excuses or reasons why this guy is apprehensive but it doesn't change the bottom line - he isn't giving you what you want/need. This doesn't make him a bad person, but the games we play, waiting, hoping, analyzing...what the hell kind of way is this to be day in and day out, think about it! It sucks when you meet someone and think, oh man he is IT, when he might not be thinking the same thing about you. It's all timing. Attraction can be there no matter what the circumstances are, and most of us are weakened when that attraction is so powerful. When the smoke clears, though, there's the business of feelings at hand, and that is usually much more complicated. I think you already know the answer to your questions but don't want to face it. I don't blame you, but it's better now to deal with all the feelings and if you can't get what you absolutely need to be happy, you need to walk away. Sucky, but necessary. Then you'll be that much closer to Mr. Right. Sigh. I need to take my own advice!
fallendisguise Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 I'm going to apologize if I come off too bluntly. I read your post and I just spent 2 1/2 years in that same situation. I know exactly what if feels like. If you want you can check out my threads under my user name (fallendisguise) to get an idea of what you could possibly get yourself into. It could work out differently for you... but if he is telling you he doesn't want a relationship or anything serious, listen to him, now not later. I gave myself every excuse I could and a false hope, only to realize 2 1/2 years later I never did get what I want. If someone wants to be with you, they will tell you. Not the opposite. He could tell you how great you are, how much you mean to him, and how he feels, but unless his actions back it up (being in a relationship) then you aren't going to be happy. Once again, I apologize if I came off too bluntly, but I don't want to see anyone ever have to be in that kind of situation I was in and experience all that hurt. It's not fair to you.. It could be a relationship to you and could be a mirror image of what a relationship is, but unless he tells you he wants one with you, then it's not. I sincerely wish you good luck in whatever you decide to do..
annabelle75 Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 Reading your post took me back to a "relationship" I was in about a year ago. Much like your guy it started off with him unable to get enough of me. Within a week he was telling everyone he knew that I was his girlfriend, even though we had only been on one date. It all started so fast and he wanted to be with me all the time and then about a month and a half into it (once I started to get comfortable), he suddenly hit the breaks and started talking about he didn't think he was capable of ever loving anyone again because of how his ex had treated him. It didn't make much sense to me because he was going through the motions of being in a relationship but kept feeling the need to tell me that "love" was too much for him to handle. When we reached the 3 month mark I finally asked him if he felt anything for me. He said "I like you" and "you're a good person." I told him that he had no business dating anyone if he wasn't capable of or willing to have genuine feelings for some one. I felt very mislead by all the attention he had heaped on me in the beginning. I broke up with him that night. Surprisingly, a year later he is one of my best friends and he tells me on a regular basis how much he loves me (as a friend). I've watched numerous girls go through with him the same thing I have in the past year and I feel bad for them everytime. I don't think he'll ever change, which is very sad.
LoveLace Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 You want all or nothing, and he just wants in between. While you would be doing what we call "waiting it out", he will enjoy the fact that he has you but isn't obligated to you emotionally. It may be he just doesn't want to hurt you, or be hurt himself. Maybe the relationship moved too quickly. It might be a good idea to cut off the sex...that tends to be what keeps females hanging on. When he asks why, just tell him you can still enjoy his company or be his friend, but since he claims not to want a serious relationship, your not comfortable with a friends-with-benefits situation. If he wants to take time to get to know you better, he won't have a problem doing so without sex. If he disappears at that point, it's probably for the best and time to let go.
Teddy and Jane Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 Really, if you have to ask, it's not a relationship. If he were crazy about you, he would be showing this to you and wanting to spend time with you, there would be no doubt on his part. When a guy makes comments like "I don't think I can get close to a woman again...not wanting a girfriend right now...don't want anything serious...etc. etc. etc., he is telling you he wants sex but not a relationship.
Author poorlittlefish Posted May 7, 2007 Author Posted May 7, 2007 What I was trying to say (maybe not very well) is that he tells me he's not ready for a relationship but we're already doing the things that make up a relationship, aren't we?! Where we're at after 6 weeks seems fine to me so in a way I think he's worrying about something that's not there. He's told me there's nothing that I've done or said that's wrong. When we spoke about all this at the weekend he told me (as he has done from the start) that he likes to spend time with me, enjoys my company etc and would want to continue seeing me even if I said no to sex. I was thinking last night that maybe to him we're just "friends who f*ck" but if he's happy to back off the sex and still spend time with me then maybe that's not the case. He spent 5 months without sex before we met, so I don't think it can be that much of a problem to him. I think maybe I'll suggest that we spend time with each other but just kiss, cuddle etc for a while and see what his reaction is.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 he tells me he's not ready for a relationship but we're already doing the things that make up a relationship, aren't we?! You and he are having a relationship, but simply doing the things that make up a relationship doesn't mean that you are in a "relationship" in the sense that you want it to be. He likely is thinking that what you mean by relationship is 'commitment' - and that is what he is trying to avoid. Whether or not you are having sex is beside the point - he will still enjoy your company and he will still like you, and he will still not want the type of relationship that you do. he tells me he's not ready for a relationship Your best bet is to listen to him, and accept that pretty much nothing you do is going to change this. He likes you, enjoys your company, and likes to date you - he just doesn't want that to become a committed, boyfriend-girlfriend type relationship. If that is what you want from this, you will need to either accept the relationship as it is with no promise of commitment, or you will need to break things off entirely (no "friends" - that only keeps you hanging on with wishful thinking and false hope) and find someone who is looking for the type of relationship that you are. They say that actions are more important than words, but in this case - when a man says "I'm not ready for a relationship", regardless of what he is doing - LISTEN TO THE WORDS. A man doesn't say that unless he really means it.
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