panzer6 Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 My ex keeps on contacting me, whether by text or phone. I also saw her over the last couple of days and things seem fine between us. Last summer she told me to get lost and never contact her again. I did exactly that but she called me and acted like nothing had happened. Now she calls me and texts me all the time but I just wish I knew what she wanted from me. She is not in another relationship as far as I know. I don't really care if she is with someone else and to be honest I would kind of feel sorryfor the poor guy. I think we may be able to be friends but sometimes I get alot of old feelings that come back and I start to feel lousy again. I still care and love her and her 2 sons very much but I also realise that a relationship would be too difficult with her. It's the sense of loss and futility that gets me depressed. I can't help but think what if things were different for us. We are very compatible in the bedroom, never had any problems whatsoever with making love. It was truly amazing when we were together. She was divorced twice and had a bad childhood so I figure she has alot of emotional baggage to contend with. I still love the woman that she was when I fell in love with her but things are different now. My question to you all is, what does she want from me? Is she hanging on to me because she still loves me? Does she want to keep me on the backburner in case she needs me for sex? When I talk to her she avoids my eyes alot, she wont look for too long into my eyes. It's like she is fighting to not fall for me again, I can tell that she misses me and I know she still loves me. I just wish she would tell me whats going on. Any help would be greatly appreciated guys.
LakesideDream Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 Panzer, Most likely she's cultivating you as a back up. She knows your strengths and faults, and sees you are a useable alternative to her mythical "soul mate or true love". This isn't uncommon. If it strikes your fancy play along, after all isn't second best better than nothing at all? Or is it? I don't know of any adult men who do this although there may be some. I do know of many women who have done / are doing this. I think it's an instinctual thing. In the early days of humanity, long ago, a males life expectancy was very short and was dependant on his skill as a hunter and his speed afoot for survival. When a cave woman's "soul mate" went out to hunt up dinner... and didn't come back, she needed a "plan B". After all.. she needed someone to hunt up food and keep the kids in buffalo skins. Unfortunetly, these days things are more stable. Unless a man does two of three things, drinking, drugging, and driving (at the same time), chances are he will make it home from work. Not suprisingly drinking and drugging to excess are not considered to be attractive to most mature fertile females. BTW, unusual avatar/screen name. Few here are libel to recognize a Tiger II.
CaliGuy Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 She needs to slay her own personal demons before she is ready to be in any relationship, much less a relationship with you. Why don't you stop hanging out with her? Why don't you remind her that she told YOU to get lost when she called it off and ask her why she keeps contacting you? Just tell her that you are honoring her request to leave her alone and do it. If you realize she's not fit to be in a relationship why are you communicating with her? NC is the quickest way to heal. Much like medicine, though it may taste bad, it's GOOD for you.
lonelybird Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 too much drama... you could be her satefy net she could be care about you who knows? you have to ask her
Author panzer6 Posted May 7, 2007 Author Posted May 7, 2007 You guys may be right, I get the feeling she still cares about me and wants to hang onto me. I still love and care about her but sometimes I get so emotionally drained by it all. It's like she still wants me but she is waiting for something to happen. I'm not really sure what that is but if I press her on it I may scare her off. When I'm with her I feel like this is the person I am supposed to be with. Even after not seeing each other for 3 months when we finally saw each other again I could see the sparks flying. It's just the way we are together, she knows it and I know it. I don't really have a logical explanation for it. It's just a chemistry thing. All I can do is play it cool and not push too hard. It's a tough kind of waiting game and it has been hard on both of us, not just me. She knows that there is this thing between us and maybe she is waiting to see what will happen. Trust is a big thing with her and she told me that it was very hard for her to trust a man but she does trust me. I never cheated on her or abused her in any way, never even raised my voice to her. She has been through alot of bad relationships so when things get tough she tends over react. It's going to be a tough road but I am still willing to try, I have to go with my heart, I have no choice. Hey Lakeside, it's not a Tiger ll, its a Jagdtiger. Tank destroyer.
CaliGuy Posted May 7, 2007 Posted May 7, 2007 Panzer, how long are you going to put your life on hold until she gets her straightened out? That may never happen. In the meantime your life will wither away. I know it's hard to accept this advice, but the best thing for you to do right now is focus 100% on you and forget about her. She is out of your control. Stop speculating on what she might be doing or thinking. It doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is you are not together right now. The sooner you accept that and put your best foot forward, the sooner you can start enjoying your life. And the sooner you can meet the RIGHT woman for you. The longer you pine over your ex, the longer you simply delay happiness.
Author panzer6 Posted May 7, 2007 Author Posted May 7, 2007 You are all probably right with your answers. She seems to still have feelings for me, I just think she is confused about what to do about it. She's obviously torn between coming back and staying away. She's not the best at communicating her feelings so maybe she isn't sure how to tell me. I wish we could just sit down and hash it all out once and for all, regardless of the outcome. I'll just keep playing it cool for now. I don't call her or hound her, I let her contact me. It's actually easy to do this cuz all I gotta do is really nothing. It's bizarre but it seems to be working. I do love her but if she does come back it has to be because she wants to, I wont try to force it on her. Maybe she wants me as a back-up or whatever, I can't speak for her. It seems to me that if she goes out of her way to contact me and she seems happy to see me then she obviously has some feelings for me. I have been on dates with other girls and some of them were really awesome but it just feels like something is missing with them. When I'm with her I feel complete. I feel like we are the only 2 people in the world and I feel like I can bend steel bars, and I feel like there isn't anything we can't face together. I will try to get her to open up about us, it wont be easy but at least we will be able to see where we are going with this.
Author panzer6 Posted May 8, 2007 Author Posted May 8, 2007 The ex called me last night. She's been having a hard time at work lately and she had a pretty bad day yesterday. She asked to go and see a movie with me so we are going out tonight. I guess I'll find out what exactly we are doing.
HopefulOne Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Panzer6.... I agree with Caliguy... in your post in the beginning, you said you don't even care if she is seeing someone else and that you would feel sorry for the guy?? Why would you feel sorry for him???? I know this is hard on you, it has been for many, many months now. She gets to keep you around when she wants to have contact, what do you get from her?
New Hope Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Never Fear, New Hope is here...First order of business stop worrying about what she wants!! worry about what u WANT!!! what she wants is no longer ur business!!!...enough is enough,,time to grow balls, I know u love her..we all been there...be a man..no u cannot be friends with her for now, until ur emotionally healed!!! Go into No Contact for a month or longer, thats the only way she'll realize her love for u..I know from experience...No Email, No Txt, No Calls, No nothing until a month passes or longer until ur emotionally healed...dont fall for the female tactics and let her cloud ur mind with her words of love..let the ACTION SPEAK FOR ITSELF...No Contact works only when there is true love...No Contact sucks the first week, but then u'll get better and use to it...DATE DATE DATE other females but keep it light, nothing bothers a women than slience and other females on top of the man they love, it packs enough force to bring them back....practice being aloof and apathy....let time do its thing and u'll be Fine!!! Listen, Listen to the advice...From ppl who lived it...
Author panzer6 Posted May 8, 2007 Author Posted May 8, 2007 I know you guys are right. I just really miss being with her. Were just gonna go see a movie and hang out. I don't have any expectations from her, I just think it would give us a chance to talk and and come to an understanding regarding us.
Author panzer6 Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 Went to a movie the other night with the ex. I have to admit it went very well.We talked alot and we got along just fine. She is under alot of stress because of work and she opened up to me about alot of things. she basically misses me and she doesn't want me out of her life. As far as a relationship with her is concerned I don't think either one of us wants that. It's normal for us to miss each other because we were very close when we were together and when she gets upset or stressed she always contacts me. When we were together we really came to depend upon each other for emotional support and we had a very deep connection. I guess it's hard for her cuz she is not in a serious relationship now and she gets overwhelmed by things so she comes looking for me for support. I still love and care for her but I also know I have to let her go, I wont push her for anything more than what she wants, I have learned that if you love someone you have to be willing to let them go, it's a form of selfless love. She's dating someone right now but she says it's just a hanging out kind of thing, nothing serious. I get the impression that she is kind of lonely and she misses what we had together. It makes me kind of sad to see her like this but she has done this to herself so she has to deal with it on her own. Like I said I will not push for anything more with her because she is a little confused about what she wants right now. She puts on a brave face for me but I can see right through it. It was kind of weird being in her house after almost a year, alot of old memories came flooding back but I think I am in a good enough place to deal with it. I wont persue her, I will just leave her alone, that seems to be working now. The less I call her the more she comes after me. I get the feeling that she is going to ask me to come back. Things seem to be escalating with her. First we talk on the phone. Then a week later she asks to have lunch with me. Then we end up hanging out on the weekend. A few days later she shows up at my work, acts like she wants to ask me something but doesn't, gives me a big hug. Then she calls and asks to go to a movie with me. There seems to be a progression to her actions. It makes me sad cuz I know she is hurting and I just want to hold her and tell her that things are gonna be ok. I guess time will tell, but if we just end up being good friends I will be fine with that.
Desertgirl Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Truth: there are many woman (men too for that matter) that have suffered some trauma in their life. Unfortunatly for many women sex abuse or other types of physical/emotional abuse are quite rampant. The answer here is NOT to continue to victimize yourself by your own past. As unemotional as this sounds......it was up to me to get better in those areas as an adult..........I cannot continue to blame the past for how I am today. It is important to embrace it, get help with it and start to move on...does not mean I need to forget and forgive, I cannot change the past but we can be responsible for the future as an adult. After all, we live in the here and now and this is OUR life. Love and life means taking risks and by god I am going for it. I am here to tell you .....you can change, you can learn to trust and to love. Might not always have the outcome you want, but ....life is full of risks. You sound like a nice sensitive guy, but for some reason, you are not the one for her long term. You are an ace in the hole here until something else comes along.You are safe for her and she does not have to change a thing. You are making it easy for her not to........ She may not trust, but I bet she fears being alone much worse. Her percieved "love for you" may in fact be genuine affection, but if she is not trusting you now, honey it won't come later if all that keeps happening is the status quo. You guys are stuck. Nothing is changing here and won't unless you change it. YOU DESERVE BETTER TOO! I as you know am in the same boat with someone who also has low self esteem. I cannot fix someone else, but if the situation is too painful then I/you have the right to go find happiness. Does not mean you cannot let go with love and compassion for the other person. Sometimes you can love someone but need to let them go for your own sanity. I relate to this totally. It sucks and it hurts but the alternative to keep going on with this is worse to think about. Go find a gal that likes tanks too!!! Desert girl
Trialbyfire Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 panzer, I don't know how many times I have to say this. You can't keep living like this and not getting some clarity on this situation. Get assertive and get some real answers. You're allowing your fear of losing her to override your common sense. While emotionally cornering someone isn't usually a good idea, neither is denial of honest emotion. Get some answers or/or move on. Limbo is not a good place to be.
CaliGuy Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Panzer, she has no one right now she will of course lean on you for support (and give you false hopes) until she finds someone else to take over your spot. I agree with TBF. Get some answers from her or flat out go NC and move on with your life. Either way, sitting on the fence like this is really killing you emotionally. It's just not healthy.
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