ramble on rose Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 Here I am again, clueless as to the dating and relationship world. If anyone remembers me, I got over an ex husband whom I had to leave but loved very much...then got over an ex boyfriend who makes Satan look like Mary Poppins. OK I'm ready for a nice relationship, right? I meet someone 9 years younger about 7 months ago (I'm 36 he is 27). Starts out as primarily sexual. Of course as time goes on we've gone to see more and more of each other (he lives in another city 1.5 hrs. from me). It's been built very slowly but very nicely. I've gotten to know him on a deeper level, and vice versa. 2months ago we had a misunderstanding and I told him I don't chase ghosts, that if he isn't interested anymore then I have no problem walking away. He was like, oh no no, I'm sorry, I was a little apprehensive we may have been spending a bit too much time together, but I want to spend a lot of time with you. I just need my space, I got out of a brutal LTR right before I met you, etc. Well frankly I didn't think I was infringing upon his space but his feelings are his feelings and I backed up a bit. That seemed to be fine. However, lately I think I want more - I would like to put this on the "relationship track". I don't want to lose what we have because it's REALLY NICE. We visit about 1x/week - 2weeks. We have a fabulous time, extremely affectionate, lots of conversation...we get along wonderfully and the sex is otherworldly. What do I want? I want the same deal with one exception - no sleeping with anyone else. I can't handle a full-on relationship right now because I am in the process of moving to a new city AND starting a new job, plus I have two pre-teen daughters that are driving me insane LOL - - but I'd like to get the path paved (or is it already being paved?). Here comes the moronic question....WHAT SHOULD I DO? I am so scared to bring this up because I could lose a nice situation. I know there are already obstacles against this working (age, children, stage of life) but I'd like to try. I have a feeling if I stick around for awhile it could just happen on its own. Should I leave well enough alone??? However, I am attached to him to the point that I'd like him to not be intimate with anyone else. I'm not ready for him to meet my children or to be introduced into that part of my life YET, but I have to start somewhere. He is someone I am falling in love with and I'm scared to death.
norajane Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 I don't see why you can't just tell him that you'd like to make your relationship exclusive. You've been having sex long enough that you don't want to think about him having sex with other people. I don't think that's the least bit pushing things forward. 7 months is a long time - I honestly don't get it how you haven't brought this up before!
Tangerina Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 You could probably tell from my recent posts that I also suck at bringing things up. Also, women kind of have it bad in this department because if a guy doesn't agree with us he can accuse us of all sorts of hurtful crap such as being clingy or over emotional etc. I am really chicken**** about bringing up commitment stuff after being called clingy or high maintenance or insecure by ex boyfriends who were the ones who were afraid of being tied down. They were the ones who said they wanted to marry me, and I said I'm just young and want to have fun but who knows maybe someday, but then if I brought up summer plans or college plans they'd get all defensive like I was trying to trap them into a whole future with me. I've since read the book Why Men Marry Bitches and besides being a bit tongue in cheek it taught me a lot about how to communicate with men so they will listen. However, in most cases it advocated getting him to make the first move, which isn't always how life works. If he doesn't make the first move, you have to just be simple and business like about it. Keep it short and don't give an ultimatum but also don't give a lot of choice if there is only one outcome you would be happy with. Something along the lines of "I really enjoy the time we spend together and I like how we are able to both have our own lives in our own cities but then have a great life together when we are together. At this point in my life I realize that I am no longer interested in simply having a friends with benefits relationship and would like something more meaningful and exclusive and I would like it to be with you. I totally understand that you may not be at that point but if you aren't I know I need to focus more on my own life right now." They key thing, though, is that you don't ask for exclusivity and then stay with him if he turns you down because in the long run you will only be miserable because he will have ABSOLUTELY no motivation to be exclusive if you show that you will be with him weather he agrees to it or not. Who knows, he could be wanting the same thing but is also afraid to ask. He might say no at first, in which case you say, "I totally understand, but I need to do what is right for me." and then you cut off contact. There is a really good chance he would miss you immediately and realize that he had messed up and be totally willing to change his mind to get you back. The key is not to waiver on what you want. I mean, if he says no and means no forever, do you really want to keep being involved just to have FWB with someone you have real feelings for? It would be bad for both of you. Good luck!
Author ramble on rose Posted May 6, 2007 Author Posted May 6, 2007 I don't see why you can't just tell him that you'd like to make your relationship exclusive. You've been having sex long enough that you don't want to think about him having sex with other people. I don't think that's the least bit pushing things forward. 7 months is a long time - I honestly don't get it how you haven't brought this up before! Because I still have communications problems, because I'm a chicken sh*t, you name it. But it's ok. That's why I'm here for help. I guess my biggest worry is he will say, sorry I can't do that. And I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, so I will have to endure some pain if that is the case. I'm just being a baby.
Author ramble on rose Posted May 6, 2007 Author Posted May 6, 2007 Tangerina I have been reading your posts because you seem to have similar issues. I agree with you - unless I'm willing to walk away if he says he doesn't want to be committed - I shouldn't say anything. I am not sending mixed messages. Right now I feel like I'm giving something away for nothing. The casual dating has been fine up until a few weeks ago. If I felt there was nothing with potential, I would probably give up seeing him. I do date, have no problem attracting men, but I guess I've met the one who made me stop to think for a moment. He is 27, just moved to a big bustling city, just got out of a live-in relationship. I feel like I should know better than to say anything right now and should wait another month or two. Both of us are going through enormous life changes and I guess my urgency stems from wanting him to be there for me during these changes because I'm volatile right now. The last guy I dated, once I decided I'd like to be exclusive and he was on the fence - I didn't even give him a chance to change his mind and didn't give him the time of day after that conversation. I wonder if I will find a happy medium between the two extremes.
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