Infidelity--the worst thing you can do to someone

[hurting_in_nw]

I've come to this realization over the past week or so...in my mind, short of someone doing something to my children...I can't think of anything worse a spouse can do to their H/W.

 

This has been nothing short of a complete mindf**k for me...still wanting someone after they've hurt you in this way, but knowing that you can never trust them again. Loving someone so much, but hating them at the same time. Betraying everything that came before...everything I shared with my STBXW feels like a lie...I don't even want pictures of her anymore, from my wedding, the birth and raising of our son, or otherwise.

 

When you betray your spouse, you damage them in so many ways, ways that you will never understand unless it happens to you. It is the epitome of selfishness, and is the most vile, cruel thing you can do to someone who loves you. Even if you are remorseful over what you've done, and have an exceptional sense of empathy, you will never understand what you have done to that person until you experience it yourself.

 

If you are considering infidelity, please, please, speak to your spouse first. A broken heart would be a welcome respite from what my STBXW has done to me...no longer can we be friends, no longer can I look back fondly on all the good times we shared, no longer can I even see her face nor hear her voice. My whole life was destroyed, and if you ever loved someone, you owe it to them to speak up before you do this to them.

[reservoirdog1]

I agree with what you're expressing. Somebody on another website once observed that cheating on your partner is probably the most damaging and hurtful thing you can do to another person WITHOUT having to worry about some kind of legal consequence. And there are a hell of a lot of things you can do that DO have legal consequences, and which are a lot worse than what you do to somebody when you betray them. Think about misrepresentation, simple assault, uttering threats, public mischief, etc.

 

Being betrayed by one's spouse can potentially mess up the other person for life. But there's no consequence to the betrayer.

[Trialbyfire]

Being betrayed by one's spouse can potentially mess up the other person for life.

Potentially but not necessarily. It's up to the individual to repair the damage and move on in life.

But there's no consequence to the betrayer.

Oh, I don't know about that. It depends on how you handle it...

[LakesideDream]

I feel for the OP. I'm her on LS because I am still bitter, and disgusted 7 years later. Sure I "lived through it", I absolutely don't want her back, just as surely I will never be the same.

 

Trust: What's that? Unfortunetly nothing that's happened since has inspired trust. Happiness: Sure, but it can't compare with the feeling that I was going to grow old with someone I have loved for 25 years. Memories: No. Who wants to remember "good times" couched in lie after lie?

 

Cheaters can be devestating. Does this mean she "won"... sure it does.

[mrmaximum]

It is a very destructive thing, to be sure. I only had an xgf cheat on me and it was very traumatic. I can't even imagine what some of you married folks are going through, or have gone through and my heart goes out to anyone going through this right now. I have to agree with Crumb, if you love your family, if you love your children, you won't put them through this, period!! The damage that can be caused by infidelity I liken to a spouse feeling bored in the marriage and thed deciding to build a nuclear bomb in the basement. If/when it goes off, the fallout gets on EVERYONE and EVERYTHING!! We all know that some of these marriages (an in some tragic circumstances, even some people) do not survive the blast. Yes, divorce sucks, but it's easily the lesser of two evils!!!

[Ruby Tuesday]

I couldnt live without my honor. Its what makes me who I am. Respect is more important to me than love. I have one easy rule, dont cheat. It's pretty simple.

 

You see, a person can live without love, but it's hard to live in this world without respect. At least it is for me, anyway.

 

It wouldn't matter to me if you claimed you had love - I mean, what value is love if you have no honor or respect?

 

When the friendship between WS and OW started getting out of hand, I would try to rationalize with my WS. (Futility. I know, silly me.) Why would a married man always be hanging out at a divorced woman's house as often as he was? How would that look? He would argue with me like I was wrong. She was a wonderful person. Yes it's truely horrifying to look back on that conversation, knowing what I do now.

 

And after d-day, I would ask him again, why would you want someone who sleeps with married men? Is the bar friends that important? She said she never slept with one before. She claimed to be a saint in high school. Yet she was idealized in his mind because of the constant deceit. To me that is fake. Everything about it was a lie. I'd rather have nothing than all that.

 

I also know that because of me, and who I am inside, that he will never know what it is like to be a BS. He doesnt even have a clue what it's like and really, neither does OW except for getting thrown under the bus and thats the closest she'll (ever) come to understanding that what she has done was wrong. I think she got what she deserved. She would have had me in that place. She would have taken my life in a heartbeat, but I took it back.

 

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yeah I've been cheated on and it hurts. It's like everything your loved one said to you and who they are and how they view you was all a giant lie.

 

I vowed to myself to never be anyone's number 2. I dont care if a woman cheats on me anymore,I realize you can't make a person stay faithful to you. I will never have children so what can she do except leave.

 

I tell her that if she leaves to not come back because I will never be with her again. And its true, I never go backwards, once I'm done, I'm done.

 

I dont know where I get the strength from but I know it hurts that I have to move forward without her, but it's something that has to be done.

 

I dont care if we have kids or we married, if I'm leaving the marriage because she cant keep her legs closed than I'm not coming back.

 

I dont understand why anyone should put up with people's behavior, especially when your treated like trash. Because not only is infidelity emotionally shattering, They place your mental and physical health at risk by sleeping with other people. Betrayal and potential murder wrapped up in one nice burrito.

 

I know everyone's gonna say, You dont know until it happens to you. Trust me people. I've been through many things in my life that many people havent even imagined, but I'm stronger because of it. I know that.

 

And I know that I dont need no woman who's just gonna be a morally broken tramp, or a selfish, greedy, trifling undercover ho.

 

When the time comes and you need to leave, you do what must be done.

[SueBee3490]

I agree - nothing has hurt me in my life as much as having my bf/fiance cheat on me. I would have trusted him with my life! How stupid I was. The pain of each of these events wasn't as bad as finding out the love of my life was cheating on me - my parents died a month apart, my kids' father died and I had to deal with that, and even divorcing my kids' father because he lost his job and started gambling our money away didn't compare to the pain of his cheating. I never could have imagined how painful cheating is - never. I used to hear of others cheating and just think "oh that's bad" but not really understand how something can affect your whole life. When he cheated on me, I went through a time that I didn't trust anyone - not even my kids. I used to snap their heads off if I thought they were lying to me. I pulled away from my family (2 brothers and 2 sisters who are all married and seem so happy together) - I didn't want to be around them - it just reminded me of what I didn't have. I couldn't concentrate at work - I felt like a zombie - just going through the motions of the day - not feeling anything. I would NEVER do this to anyone I loved - I can't imagine a more direct way of saying to that person "I only care about myself - I don't care about you."

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

Well my STBXW said that it wasn't cheating b/c she said she was "upfront" with me about the whole thing (IOW she told me before she had the physical affair). I thought it was still cheating, but perhaps I was wrong?

 

Any ways, I was crushed beyond words. She said she could never leave earlier for some psychological reason (I don't know what), but all of a sudden when she meets someone else well, now she is "free"

 

Whatever, she shattered my heart and it's taken me almost 5 months to put back together with much effort on my part. I can't control other people so I move on, filed for divorce, returned one phone call and no emails, and never look back. Did it hurt? Yes. But obviously this happens to many people, our pain is personal, but we're not alone.

[Trialbyfire]

Well my STBXW said that it wasn't cheating b/c she said she was "upfront" with me about the whole thing (IOW she told me before she had the physical affair). I thought it was still cheating, but perhaps I was wrong?

Nope, not wrong. She entered into an emotional affair that graduated into a physical affair. EAs are cheating as well.

 

No one has the right to force an open relationship onto anyone else.

[outofdarkness]

I could not have said it better myself, nor have I seen it phrased quite that well and "to the point" on LS..infid. forum..Thanks for expressing MY feelings regarding being cheated on as well as others, I am sure...I know how you feel and will be thinking of you..It really IS the worst possible H---that any person can put another through and yes, so true that the cheater will NEVER know how it feels and what they've done to their spouse and anyone else involved in their deceitful lies too..It's devastating, and it's effects are long lasting and far reaching...

 

Thanks for your post.

[norajane]

Memories: No. Who wants to remember "good times" couched in lie after lie?

 

Yes - they steal your memories away when they cheat. You can't think of any good because they are all tinged with lies and deception and betrayal.

 

I agree - nothing has hurt me in my life as much as having my bf/fiance cheat on me. I would have trusted him with my life! How stupid I was. The pain of each of these events wasn't as bad as finding out the love of my life was cheating on me - my parents died a month apart, my kids' father died and I had to deal with that

 

It's because you can mourn and grieve for those losses. But cheaters take away your ability to grieve - you can't mourn because what is there to mourn? Months of living with a cheater and liar? All you're left with is goodbye and good riddance.

[whichwayisup]

I agree - nothing has hurt me in my life as much as having my bf/fiance cheat on me. I would have trusted him with my life! How stupid I was. The pain of each of these events wasn't as bad as finding out the love of my life was cheating on me - my parents died a month apart, my kids' father died and I had to deal with that, and even divorcing my kids' father because he lost his job and started gambling our money away didn't compare to the pain of his cheating. I never could have imagined how painful cheating is - never. I used to hear of others cheating and just think "oh that's bad" but not really understand how something can affect your whole life. When he cheated on me, I went through a time that I didn't trust anyone - not even my kids. I used to snap their heads off if I thought they were lying to me. I pulled away from my family (2 brothers and 2 sisters who are all married and seem so happy together) - I didn't want to be around them - it just reminded me of what I didn't have. I couldn't concentrate at work - I felt like a zombie - just going through the motions of the day - not feeling anything. I would NEVER do this to anyone I loved - I can't imagine a more direct way of saying to that person "I only care about myself - I don't care about you."

 

Anyone who is considering cheating on their spouse, or about to get involved with a MM/MW, should read this post reply. Maybe - No - Hopefully it will make them stop and THINK before doing something so selfish that will ruin their spouses life as they know it.

[CastingPearls]

Thank God for everyone being brave enough to write about their pain. I'm still trying to recover. I can't even work up a decent healthy anger about being stabbed in the back and it keeps me going around in circles trying to figure out where it all went wrong. I can't seem to put it to rest. Some people would say about their ex : forget the piece of crap, they are garbage, they were never worthy of all that love. I hand picked that piece of crap and made him my own. I put him in front of every other human being on this earth and did everything I could to make his life better. It still wasn't enough and now I don't trust myself to chose anyone else. Even worse, I don't really want anyone else. Yep, I'm a little damaged, I'd say.

[outofdarkness]

Thank God for everyone being brave enough to write about their pain. I'm still trying to recover. I can't even work up a decent healthy anger about being stabbed in the back and it keeps me going around in circles trying to figure out where it all went wrong. I can't seem to put it to rest. Some people would say about their ex : forget the piece of crap, they are garbage, they were never worthy of all that love. I hand picked that piece of crap and made him my own. I put him in front of every other human being on this earth and did everything I could to make his life better. It still wasn't enough and now I don't trust myself to chose anyone else. Even worse, I don't really want anyone else. Yep, I'm a little damaged, I'd say.

Hang in there..I feel your pain..and there are many of us like you..you are at the right place for support and understanding.

[Salicious Crumb]

just remember...in some way, we are told its our fault...something we weren't giving our partners....we neglected them...its not just a matter of the cheater likes the thrill of the conquest or the excitement of flattery with someone new...it has to be something we weren't doing....in other words...its our fault.

 

It just pisses me off when cheaters try to justify it by saying such shi!t.

I'm not saying that there aren't situations were neglect don't happen...but even if it did...its no excuse for being a lousy cheater.

[RecoverMe]

Thank you all for sharing, the pain is imcomparable to any pain on this planet. Something also gets stolen, and it can never be recovered, No matter how sorry or how commited the WS is to repair the damaged relationship!

maybe you can be stronger and learn so many things about humanity, and hopefully something about yourself. I sometimes feel I could recover more fully if I wasn't with my WS, but we've been through the agonizing examination of what if we split up, should I say I did the most agonizing about what it would mean to our family and to me, and made the decision to stay. He made it easy for me by being remorseful and treated me like a queen for many months.

In the aftermath during the "why did this happen" phase, one thing he said was that our marriage had grown stagnant. I could think of at least two dozen ways to try and save a stagnant marriage that don't include ripping out your loved ones heart and throwing it out on the road to be flattened to a bloody pulp.

 

If you are thinking of cheating, please try talking to your spouse, try doing something totally different and out of the ordinary to renew your couple status, tell him/her one positive thing each day, and maybe it can grow into you really feeling it.

Whatever you turn to outside the marriage/relationship isn't real, it's built upon a falseness that will get you nowhere but pain, and you will suck out part of the person you cheat on's soul. You are better off leaving before it happens....i know i know, in the ideal world. Either way you gotta live with yourself and your lost dignity.

[Ruby Tuesday]

The sad part is that none of ^ this advice ^ would have had any effect on my WS before he crossed that line.

 

There is no reasoning with an egotistical WS sense of entitlement. Its a whole other person. They only want to hear what they want to hear and usually, the only advice or counsel they get comes from their OW, or their divorced buddies who hate all women in general.

 

Unfortunately, most WS will (literally) drive the BS into the ground first.

 

People know having affairs is wrong and dont ever think for one minute the WS is crying their eyes out over the guilt or they wouldnt be doing it.

 

So its not even about the BS, its all about them, and it's all about OW, and it's all about their stupid little secrets and by that time, BS you have to explain it to their ass with your foot.

 

lol.

[Frances]

just remember...in some way, we are told its our fault...something we weren't giving our partners....we neglected them...its not just a matter of the cheater likes the thrill of the conquest or the excitement of flattery with someone new...it has to be something we weren't doing....in other words...its our fault.

 

It just pisses me off when cheaters try to justify it by saying such shi!t.

I'm not saying that there aren't situations were neglect don't happen...but even if it did...its no excuse for being a lousy cheater.

 

 

Yes its true the BS often gets the blame. No one seems to say why did the WS not talk about what is getting in the way of the marriage staying okay. You are expected to be a mind reader. In my case I was expected to be everything to him, see to all his needs while he hardly ever considered mine. A bunch of kids, manage the finances all the domestic side of things while he got on with his career never mind that mine was just was put on hold for years while he went to conferences all over the world leaving me with the responsabilty for the family, entertaining his guests. (I am venting now) I did not even mind all this as I loved him and thought it was for the good of the family, division of labour I looked on it as. Now that he had an 11 year EA I feel a fool and I am eaten up inside. He can never give me back what he has stolen from me and my family and because he did not have sex with her he thinks I am going over the top about the EA. I resent that I gave him so much freedom, I am not far of sixty now and feel on the scrap heap. By what he did he took away a part of me that I will never get back . Sorry about the rant.