Visu Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 haven't been on this site for awhile, but my affair with the MM has continued. i am not proud of this. i'm also married. MM and I haven't talked about leaving, even though i moved out briefly. i know i need to end it. we work together and i've tried NC several times but inevitably we run into one another, or he will send me a funny email, and i get all caught up again. about a year after we started the A, his wife was diagnosed with cancer and so we stopped the physical. the emotional continued during this time and i tried my best to be a supportive friend to him, because he said that is what he needed. i know i'm going to get flamed for this, i can already hear your replies. but maybe i need to hear how i am a horrible person so i can finally end this. she has gone through treatment and is now a survivor. the physical is now continuing. i've read every book i can find on this topic, i've gone to individual counseling (my h won't go with me & says this is my problem), and i'm just confused and need help. i say i care deeply about MM but how can those feelings be real? i wonder if a true friend would sit back & watch (or worse, participate) in the destruction of their friend's life. if i had a friend with a drinking problem, i wouldn't take them to bars. i guess, i'm trying to sort out if i really care about him so that i will feel i have to stop this. if not for me then for him, so i can at least say i'm not going to be the one who enables you to cheat on your wife. i know it does have to come down to my own self-respect, an issue i am working on in counseling. but i'm just not there yet. i just don't know what i want. i have strong feelings for the MM, but he's married to someone else and i just can't get past that. i think about our kids (he has 2, i have 1) and how they don't deserve to grow up in homes where both parents aren't totally committed to the success of the family. i can see this continuing for years. and i don't want to be that person. i don't want to be his OW for the rest of our lives. i don't want to feel like this forever. i hate myself when i think about what i have done to destroy his family & my own. he is really someone i wish i would have met at a different time. i won't go into the details of our personal conversations, but i know he feels the same way. the reality is, we didn't & we aren't free to be with one another. so logically, this shouldn't hurt so much when i think about my life without him in it. i should view this as a good thing, i guess that will just take time. i am attracted to him on so many levels, i know its the same as all other affairs, but it's different - because it's real to me and it's happening to me. i want so much more than this. i deserve so much more than this. i just don't have the courage to end it with him. thanks for reading & for your help.
Lizzie60 Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 You are the ONLY person who can really end this... If I were you, I would print what you just posted and read it from time to time... especially when you get weaker... You need a lot of courage, you need to stay away from him as much as you possibly can... no contact... NO emails (block him if you have to), no phone calls...absolutely nothing... let him know that you want NO more contact with him... He should respect that. If you catch yourself daydreaming about him... just change your mind with something else... keep busy. Good luck!
Author Visu Posted May 6, 2007 Author Posted May 6, 2007 thank you. i thought i was just writing to get my feelings out, but i just re-read it and i think i will print it. what do i do if he stops by my desk? he does this almost every day. i removed him from IM, but he still IMs me.
FireandIce Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 thank you. i thought i was just writing to get my feelings out, but i just re-read it and i think i will print it. what do i do if he stops by my desk? he does this almost every day. i removed him from IM, but he still IMs me. You need to block him from your IM, not just remove him. I don't use IM anymore but when I did you had to actually block the person to prevent them from sending you anymore messages. Here's an easy way to end it-- quit your job. Is that an option? Does your husband know about the affair? Do you want to stay with your husband? You need to deal with your own marriage (or end it) before worrying about this guy.
Author Visu Posted May 6, 2007 Author Posted May 6, 2007 You need to block him from your IM, not just remove him. I don't use IM anymore but when I did you had to actually block the person to prevent them from sending you anymore messages. Here's an easy way to end it-- quit your job. Is that an option? Does your husband know about the affair? Do you want to stay with your husband? You need to deal with your own marriage (or end it) before worrying about this guy. thank you for the blocking tip. we have im at work, i'm not sure if i can block them, i will find out. i guess i could also not reply, but that seems like a chicken thing to do. i am afraid that i will have to confront him head on, and tell him that i need this to be over between us. i know i have to stay strong and just do that. but it will likely destroy me, emotionally. not an option to quit my job, but i have been looking for other jobs. yes, my H knows. He found emails from when it first started, he doesn't know it has continued/started up again. i'm in counseling to try to determine if i want to stay with my h. i do and i don't and therapist says i can't work on that until relationship with MM is over. so we are just working on improving my self-esteem, etc. until i'm ready to end it with MM.
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