Darth Vader Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Like I said before, don't do anything crazy. But, it's good that you are moving on. There is someone else out there, I'm sure of it. Keep posting, let us know how you're doing, you're not alone in these kind of circumstances, you're not a fool, so don't blame yourself. If you need to vent, come on here and vent, it helps. There's others here that can help too.
Darth Vader Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 There are alot of guys posting in the Separation/Divorce forum here at LS who are going through the same situation that you are dealing with, Eroche. It's a good place for talking about your feelings and sharing support. You might want to read some threads there. Sumdude, ILMW, El Producto, Hurting in NW, Aaaaaiiiiieeee, Azianpride.... these are all men who are muddling through this process just like you are. Check in with them. It's good to have a place to talk about your feelings when your life is changing. I agree very strongly! Wait till you meet Gunny! He's a handful!
Ladyjane14 Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 I agree very strongly! Wait till you meet Gunny! He's a handful! You got that right! It's just not possible to dissolve into a puddle of depression... when Gunny's paddling your ass. :p
Darth Vader Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 You got that right! It's just not possible to dissolve into a puddle of depression... when Gunny's paddling your ass. :p Yeah! I can here him now, TIME TO MAN UP! TAKE CHARGE! Oh Yeah! He'll like Gunny for sure!
Darth Vader Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Yeah, to the poster of this thread, head over to where Ladyjane has said read, read, and read some more. Go ahead and post in there too, you'll meet all of those guys in there. And I may drop in from time to time! Hehe.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Yeah! I can here him now, TIME TO MAN UP! TAKE CHARGE! Oh Yeah! He'll like Gunny for sure! It'll give him time to polish up on his 'Alabama' dialect. Eroche has good English, but Gunny's style of language is a law unto itself.
Darth Vader Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 It'll give him time to polish up on his 'Alabama' dialect. Eroche has good English, but Gunny's style of language is a law unto itself. Yeah, I can't even control that kind of language with the Force!
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Hey E your doing the right thing. It's time to take control over your life. If she wants this fantasy let her have it head on and You take every single thing you can to not finance the affair. Credit cards, money, Let her see what it's really like to leave you and dont do this trying to bait her into coming back. You got to be dead serious about this. Do what needs to be done. Your going to be okay.
Gunny376 Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 have a bit respect folks... Respect Hell! How are you going to ask for respect from someone else when you're not even respecting yourself? How are you going to ask for "respecting" when you're letting your wife dis-respect you? Your wife is all but screwing the OM in front of you on the morning breakfast table? WTF? What's it going to take for you to get a good, clear pretty picture in your head? Drop this woman like a bad habit, and catch the next thing smokin' out of town. Go get laid ~ as soon as you kiss the lips of another woman ~ you'll forget all about her! Hell go get laid nine or ten different times. Maybe you'll wake up to the fact that the DW doesn't have anything more that any other woman doesn't have, if not just as good and more of? Reach deep down inside and find some of that pride of yours, some of that self-respect, dignity. The next time the STBXW contacts you? Just tell her, "Sorry! But, your azz is out of gas!"
Darth Vader Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 have a bit respect folks... Sorry, we weren't trying to be disrepectful of course. The serious point is, there's a lot of people in the part of the forum that Ladyjane mentioned that are going through pretty much the same thing you are, like we said check it out. There's Gunny! Listen to him, except about the part getting laid, I know I know, he may not seem like the type to listen to, well just listen to his experience, Trust Me!
Gunny376 Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Life? Life is "the process" of becoming the person that you were meant to be, that you were destined to become. Its about learning, and about growing! Its about changing. If your not learning, growing, changing ~ your in the process of dying ~ of becoming obsolete. Its about being adaptive ~ adapting, improvising and overcoming what life throws at you. Its about being resolute, determined against all odds. Life is a struggle no matter who you are, no matter what you do. You came into this world kicking and screaming, and you damn sure best doing the same going out. To be honest? I've not read all your threads. I read where your wife was cheating and continue to do so, six months after being caught. That, my man is of the highest order of disrespect. The first time another person disrespects you ~ you need to set them straight. True, at the end of the day you can't make another person respect you ~ and I'm not sure and certain about "earning" their respect, but you can damn sure let them know that they're not going to be disrespected to you in your face! The first time a woman shows me disrespect ~ she's not going ~ she's gone. I don't care who she is or what she is. Dump this woman, and go and find yourself one or two of the other three billion other women on the planet that are sitting around wondering where all the "good" men are? Too many good men (and women) are sitting around wasting their time on losers like the one that you've got on your hands. Life's too freaking short to be wasting it on someone that disrespecting you, using and abusing you! What I want to know is where is it that you learned that you don't deserve better than this? Where is that you learned that you deserve this kind of treatment from a woman? Where did you learn that "This is it, its all or nothing?" And what if it is? What's so bad about being single and alone the rest of your life? Did you know that there are people, men and women that have made that conscious decision? And are perfectly happy and content with that? You know, oftentimes, its not about learning more ~ its about un-learning the crap that you've been taught throughout all of your life? If what you've been taught throughout the course of your life ~ get rid of it, and adapt, improvise and overcome. Live your life with "honor" ~ "dignity" ~ "integrity" ~ and "respect", and if you don't respect yourself, there's no one going to respect you. Before you can expect respect from someone else ~ you've got to respect yourself! This woman your with doesn't respect you! And worse is she trying to pull that lame game on you that the reason she's with another man is because its your fault! Bull! In the course of doing so, she's tearing down your self-confidence. She can't handle the gullt so she projecting it all on you. You're so emotionally invested in her, dependent upon her, and addicted to her that all she's got to do is feed you candy and tell you lies and you buy off on her BS! She's pissing on your leg and telling you its really raining! Bottom line here? You did just fine before you meet her, and you'll do just fine without her for the rest of your ever-loving life without her. Qua Patet Orbis (motto of the Korps Mariners) The Netherland Marines, the oldest Marine Corps in the world! Semper Fi ~ Mac!
Gunny376 Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 It'll give him time to polish up on his 'Alabama' dialect. Eroche has good English, but Gunny's style of language is a law unto itself. Why thank you very much! That's my approach to life ~ "By God, be different, unique, and a mustang! Stand out from the herd and keep them guessing ~ or at least amuzed and laughing ~ while wondering!"
Author eroche Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 Its always good to get empathy, analysis, and a smack. :-) Gunny, yes ofcourse you are right. I know that. And the respect was more to chat comments. Its ok darth..just had a bad moment. I tried to base the so called build up on what I thought we had. A big error on my side when now looking back. She has stated all the time that she didnt want to loose me , but thats ironic since the friendship was the first which dissapeared when the affair was known and she couldnt keep a promise. I have even seen mails between them and then I know how direspectfull it has all been. And even more the lies. This sounds crazy, but knowing who she is and can be, I had to do it the tough way. I have now done what I could do. And yes, I should have cut it earlier. But thats my choice and responsability. And then I can newer say that I didnt try. Say that I have cleared all the questions I had. Seen the true nature of her. This is my style. But also a style based on wrong believe in who we were and what bond we had. I have given a lot of thought of improving my communication, showing feelings etc This is why therapy for me is important. I now packing. My dog is looking at me and getting nervous..:-). I will leave for a while and close all contact to my previous life and leave this war scene of dispair and decieve. I have already checked the options for divorce ( its easy here where I live) and looked for options finding another place. But I will first rest for a while since I will need strength to deal with moving, divorce. Its time that I take charge and get myself respect, yes, your right gunny and thx for your post. Hence my latest actions. Its her problems to deal with the consequences. I personally , i have experience with many things, would have put myself in a more rattional situation. Look at the effects and pain I or who ever will cause others. There are many loosers here, me, her, the kids of the man, his wife and even the man himself. I would newer feel comfortable starting such a relationship knowing how many people I have hurt. I would be even be alone and have a good think of myself if I was her. But i am not and hence need to close down the thoughts and things about HER. She has not done it for me. Why should I do it for her? Life is not a project management plan. You make plans and try to understand the risks but people have their own going and you can newer know what they will do. The matter of free will and whats in a persons mind. Its sad, because of two relatively good people, who had it going well before but due to down period, made her move on with another person. The guilt and morale is in stake for her. Not me. And thinking that she will newer be seen as the same by others or family, she has to live with this, satisfies me. The big hit will be when or if the relationship of hers will strand. But then I am gone. I am bad looser. I hate to loose. But you also win when you accept defeat. You win for yourself some selfrespect and believe that you can in some way control your life. My biggest mistake was not to believe and think who she was. But to let myself down. Not really listning to my instincts during the hidden affair. Not listning to my isntincts when it was open. I just loved her too much. So in fact, in the "try"to build up, I have also grieved the loss. And I am happy she has seen me grief, so she can take that with her. I will now focus on my work and my dog. Smoke less..hehe, and run every day. It will take a while before I am back on track. i cannot now see other woman, but that day will change, I am sure... cheers all
Unforgetable77 Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Nice to hear u are taking the first steps to recover from this, WELL DONE!! take care Eric Unforgetable x
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Wow E you sound so clear minded, so lucid. I wonder how long you can actually make this work for you, the best thing for you is to be strong. where did all this strength come from? Or is this a manifestation of the new you, peeking out from under your marriage. I know that divorce is not the end, it can be a new begining.
Author eroche Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 Crome I found the emails between her and her friend. That woke me up since my fight was based on certain things. I see now how it has been going. I see what they have said to each uptill lately. THAT changed the whole matter for me since I finally got the HONEST story, what i was fighting against and how much my wife, soon to be ex, lied. She doesnt love me but has an enourmous guilt. Gosh, just think of the relationship whe will start..yeak all that pain caused I also created 9 q's for myself and answered them all. I have also written alot about transformations, and the phase before a transformation happens in a relationship. The bottom line is that when relationships are not going well, many fail to do the right things. And affairs are usually an escapism which is very destructive. The 9 q's gave me an overview: They were: 1. What key mistakes/issues did I make after the affair was open? 2. Key thoughts of irritable matters while the affair was hidden 3. When her affair became a relationship, what were the reasons behind? 4. Once the affair is a relationship after d-day for you wife, what are your key actions? 5. What are the key things you have learned of your spouse 6. What should your spouse haev done to avoid the affair? 7. What would you have done if the spouse had followed the guidlines in 6? 8. Which long term effects, traumas in the relationship has lead to this unhappy relationship? 9. What reasons did the spouse use as escuces for the affair? After that i could get a good picture. Understand that this was indeed an unhappy relationship, although my wife took the total wrong course. Sad to think, that always happens to late, that we now know what could have been done. But thats a finished story now
Gunny376 Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Whooopppps, there it is! Another man ~ 'manning up'! Doing what has to be done! Walking the "walk" and talking the "talk!" That's right, "Big Daddy" you show her who's "house" this is!" You tell her! "This is my house!" {Don't worry about the dog, he's just wondering if your going to get tardy and tight with the dog food! Other than that? Dogs always got your "back" ~ they're not "man's best friend" for nothing you know! }
Gunny376 Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 She doesnt love me but has an enourmous guilt. Gosh, just think of the relationship whe will start..yeak all that pain caused Sounds like a personal problem to me? And "her" problems "ain't" (not yours ~ Southern U.S. English slang) your problems, troubles, nor worries anymore! LOL! Here's one for you E! When speaking to dogs in the Southern states we often say,"Getonawayfromhere", you hear!" in one breath! Works everytime! Your English is really good as a second language ~ but you would think you're on another planet if you came to Alabama! Guess that's why we're having such a problem with the Hollyway case in Aruba?
Gunny376 Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Crome I found the emails between her and her friend. That woke me up since my fight was based on certain things. I see now how it has been going. I see what they have said to each uptill lately. THAT changed the whole matter for me since I finally got the HONEST story, what i was fighting against and how much my wife, soon to be ex, lied. She doesnt love me but has an enourmous guilt. Gosh, just think of the relationship whe will start..yeak all that pain caused I also created 9 q's for myself and answered them all. I have also written alot about transformations, and the phase before a transformation happens in a relationship. The bottom line is that when relationships are not going well, many fail to do the right things. And affairs are usually an escapism which is very destructive. The 9 q's gave me an overview: They were: 1. What key mistakes/issues did I make after the affair was open? 2. Key thoughts of irritable matters while the affair was hidden 3. When her affair became a relationship, what were the reasons behind? 4. Once the affair is a relationship after d-day for you wife, what are your key actions? 5. What are the key things you have learned of your spouse 6. What should your spouse haev done to avoid the affair? 7. What would you have done if the spouse had followed the guidlines in 6? 8. Which long term effects, traumas in the relationship has lead to this unhappy relationship? 9. What reasons did the spouse use as escuces for the affair? After that i could get a good picture. Understand that this was indeed an unhappy relationship, although my wife took the total wrong course. Sad to think, that always happens to late, that we now know what could have been done. But thats a finished story now Outstanding! Your growing and learning! Adapting, and over-coming! Think "Kill Bill' You're busting out of your own coffin and grave! :bunny:
Darth Vader Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 I figured it was a bad moment, but as I was saying there are so many people here going through the same thing. As far as Gunny's concerned, he's the real deal when it comes to Marines, and Manning Up. And just think, you didn't even have to hunt him down, he came to you! Talk about dedication, Anyway, make sure that you don't let your STBXW find out that you are and when you leave, and wherever you go you can still log on here.
Author eroche Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 Just a q? What is an affair which is based on infatuation?
Author eroche Posted May 14, 2007 Author Posted May 14, 2007 Ok you all. I will soon stop writting in these thread. You have all been wonderfull and supporting. Just to add: The cure for me were the emails they wrote since the beginning of the affair. This dates back in sep/oct. The second cure was reading there small diary. All which I found. I could then see that my instincts were correct but didnt really know her well I suppose. And how bad she was. What I found out: We didnt have a great period of sex but I tried in sep/oct, she mentioned that she could have love between 2 men. Later she could with me for some reason., Even till some time ago easily kiss and be very intime. And then, via reading, went to her lover. Wrote sweet emails with love etc. And then went to him as well Said she had the favourite song for me and played it. It was actually their song That she newer respected my plea to take distance QUESTIONs: Why didnt she just leave me in good time? Why would she keep in a leash for so long time? Why keep lying even when we were seperated? Why doesnt she want to get divorced and in fact have me still in this situation? Is it hate? Can anyone explain this to me? What kind of in love she has does this? The thing I am trying to say that I didnt / newer had a chance. And that she truly had a double life. But it could also be she met the love of her life and newer truly loved me. And that they are met for eachother even that they boith were married and him having two small baby kids. I cannot forgive her lying and decieving me like this. I cannot understand, that IF I was in love, I couldnt do it. I would stop the relationship within a very short time. Im doing bettter for every hour. I do have my ups and downs. Now Im far away from her with peace. With my dog.
norajane Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 I'm just taking a guess since I can't possibly know what she was thinking... QUESTIONs: Why didnt she just leave me in good time? She wasn't ready. She didn't have it all set up yet. If she left you right away, her lover is/was still married, so she couldn't be sure he would leave his wife and children. Why would she keep in a leash for so long time? She needed the safety net. If things didn't work out with her lover, she still had you. Why keep lying even when we were seperated? Same reason - safety net. If she told the truth, she knew you would look at her differently, and there would be no chance of reconciliation in case things didn't work out with her lover. There's a possibility she also didn't want you to talk about it with others, so the less you knew, the better. Why doesnt she want to get divorced and in fact have me still in this situation? Safety net. Since you didn't immediately dump her, she might still believe that you would be there for her if things don't work out with her lover, that you would take her back. He's not yet divorced, is he? He wouldn't be the first man to change his mind and go back to his wife and kids after seeing what life is like when he is full time with his lover and is away from his young children. Is it hate? Oh, no. It's not hate. It's narcissistic selfishness. What kind of in love she has does this? The 'in love' she has with this other man is fresh and new. That it was forbidden probably added a little to the excitement as well. She just fell for someone else and had little regard for her commitment to you.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 Just a q? What is an affair which is based on infatuation? I think most affairs begin with "infatuation". Maybe you can exclude those that are based only on sex, like with a one night stand or a prostitute. We often refer to these incidents of infidelity as "affairs" but really, they could be defined simply as cheating. There's no emotional relationship. I think of infatuation as a seed. Love might grow or wither. But the initial attraction itself is NOT really love. Most infatuations last for about 2-4 years. When an illicit affair is underway, infatuation can last for considerably longer because of the excitement and secrecy of the relationship. Infatuation is not just an emotional reaction. It's physiological as well. The body reacts to the object of our desire. This is measurable on brain imaging scans. Neurotransmitters, hormones... we ALL have alot of chemical components. And when we're infatuated, there's quite a bit going on in our body that is purely physical reaction. QUESTIONs: Why didnt she just leave me in good time? Why would she keep in a leash for so long time? Why keep lying even when we were seperated? Why doesnt she want to get divorced and in fact have me still in this situation? Is it hate? Can anyone explain this to me? What kind of in love she has does this? I can't give you a real answer on that. What I've noticed though is that the majority of cheaters do this. I think the betrayed spouse represents a safety net for many of them. On some level.. they must know that the path they're treading is chaotic and unknown. They simply want to be able to go home if things don't work out. They're trying to keep that door open. Also... the betrayed spouse is often still providing many emotional needs to them as well. They don't want to give up the 'bird in the hand' but they can't seem to stop chasing the 'bird in the bush' either. I honestly don't think they do it to be cruel or mean, Eroche.... not most of them anyway. I think instead they're just so very self-absorbed that they don't consider the hurt inflicted on others. They often SAY that they feel guilt... but really, if they did, it doesn't make sense that they would continue to cheat and lie. So, I have to think any guilt a cheater might feel is minimal in comparison to their desire to self-gratify. And that's what it all boils down to... It's not about YOU. It's about her. Her priority right now is self-gratifying behavior.
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