LoveisPAIN07 Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 I feel really sick. I was involved in a complicated situation. I will make it short. Friends with someone for 4 months, then we started hanging out a lot. The physical happened and then I found out he had a gf and would be visiting her in 2 weeks. I was very hurt. We became friends again but he continued to behave inappropriately, so I broke everything off. He kept trying to contact me regardless. We contacted each other occassionally, but our "friendship" had grown beyond weird because of all of our problems. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, I became really drunk and sent 2 e-mails in a drunken state. They weren't love confessions or anything, but I was still really embarrassed. I didn't want him to think I was obsessed or that I needed him in my life. The next day, he sent me an IM asking where I was going to be that night because he didn't want to run into my "alcoholic ass", but yet ended up showing up at the exact same spot where I said I would be. I didn't end up showing up, thankfully but my friends told me about it. I finally decided that I was going to stop contact completely, but I'm an alcoholic (I've been sober for 2 weeks, yay for me) and unfortunately, got drunk a week later...I had gone out with friends at the bar. I don't think that I blacked out as I remember everything up until right before I went to bed. I remember all of the conversations that I had with people on-line (I hadn't contacted him) and I remember Xing them off and plugging my phone in so I could go to bed. The thing is, I am seriously paranoid that maybe I blacked out after that and contacted him or his gf. I don't know why, but all of these thoughts have been running through my head and I'm so scared that I did that. I honestly don't remember doing anything of the sort. I don't remember sitting back at the computer aftering plugging my phone in and deciding to go to bed, but my mind has convinced myself that I might have done this. I am so embarrassed at the thought of it. I have worried myself to death that I sent really rude/threatening e-mails, even though I would never think to do this sober (or hopefully drunk) and I'm a non-threatening person. This has been driving me crazy. I have literally convinced myself that I have done this and resigned myself to the "fact". I checked my e-mail's sent folder and didn't find anything but my school e-mail address doesn't have such a folder, so I keep thinking "What if I sent one under this address". I would contact and ask him but I already did that the last time I had drunkenly contacted him and also, I wanted to break contact off completely. I feel like I will constantly be asking myself "What if", but then again, I am scared of contacting him again. What do you think I should do? I have worried myself to death about this since that night. I am so nervous that I sent a really, really bad e-mail out even though I remember nothing of the sort...what if I sent something violent? All of these things run through my mind, though I have no reason to think them. I know that I'm an alcoholic and I haven't drank since. I have been getting help for that, but I always look back to that night and wonder. It drives me up a wall.
Enema Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 All you're going to get from the LS crowd are urgings to get help for your alcoholism.
Author LoveisPAIN07 Posted May 6, 2007 Author Posted May 6, 2007 Thanks, but I already said I was getting help for it right now. I'm in AA and haven't had a drink in 2 weeks. I know that doesn't sound like a long time, but for me it is. I know that I need to get help, which is why I'm in AA. The reason why I'm asking about this situation is because I wanted to know opinions and I wish that I had closure.
lonelybird Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 LoveisPAIN07 Good for you that you seek help to stop the alcohol . Please take easy on yourself, you said you want to break all contact with him, in my opinion he deserve the "possible violent email", when he has a girlfriend, he shouldn't have behaved inappropriately with you. NC Sounds like a good decision. we all had drunk dial and emails, but past is past, he isn't that wonderful anyway;) according to your post. good thing is that now you are dealing with the alcohol problem. Please Stick with your decisions, they sounds good ones:)
Trimmer Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 LoveIsPain - What Email client or web interface do you use? Most of them have an "Outbox" or a "Sent" folder where all outgoing Emails are archived that you should be able to check to assure yourself that you didn't send something you now regret...
LakesideDream Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 "Closure" is overrated. Believe me, most of us never get any. Congratulations on taking steps to deal with your drinking problem. Succeeding will go a long way toward rebuilding your self esteem. Good luck, keep trying, and keep posting. LS is a great way to share your hurt, and feelings with others that are actually listening.
Author LoveisPAIN07 Posted May 6, 2007 Author Posted May 6, 2007 Thank you for the replies, everyone. I truly appreciate them. I think I'm just going through a rough spot right now because I'm newly sober. I've discovered that most people that become newly sober feel a lot of anxiety, so I think this is where a lot of my anxiety stems from. In all honesty, I don't even think I sent anything at all, because, as I posted, I remember all of the evening. It is just me being paranoid that perhaps I had a blackout since that's not unusual for an alcoholic, regardless of the fact that I can recount all activities and conversations I had prior to going to bed. Lakeside Dream, I appreciate your comment about closure being overrated. Now that I think about it, I don't really see how I could have closure from the situation, anyway even if I hadn't sent a drunken e-mail (which I don't think I sent, anyway). The reason why I'm so hurt in this situation is because I have been abused in the past and I thought that this person really cared about me, but it turns out that it was all a selfish lie. This person really led me on and emotionally hurt me and while normally, maybe I wouldn't have felt so upset about it, I do because I thought this person was different from all the other people that have abused me throughout my life. I think I feared that I sent an e-mail because I never got a chance to actually verbally tell him how hurtful his actions to me were. I think my suspecting I sent something is just me telling myself I actually got to have a say and let him know how hurtful he was to me. I'm just going to tell myself that I didn't send anything. I was really verging on paranoia, asking myself what if I sent something violent, but I don't even think I sent anything at all. Maybe in a year or so, after I have forgotten about this mess, I will send an email and inquire about it. I know that sounds silly, but I really do want to know for sure, for my own sake. I just think now might not be the most appropriate time to find out.
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