Am I afraid to choose, or is my heart telling me it's not what I want?

[jp]

I'll get right to all the facts otherwise this would be 3 hours worth of reading :-). I was starting to get bored in my 6 1/2 year marriage and ended up having an affair with a married man who is 20 years older then me. My husband found out which I was relieved about in a way because it was my chance to move out. We have a 6 year old little one also. I moved down the street to an apartment and have enjoyed my space thoroughly. We are doing well being wonderful friends and taking care of our son. There is a lot of love, and we still act as a family. I still talk to this older man, but I am by no means attracted to him anymore. I think he was my escape at the time, and I now often ask myself what I actually was thinking. I gave my 30 days notice for my apartment. I've decided that either I choose my husband or choose to move on and giving my notice means I have to choose soon! He is so dedicated to me. He cries and hurts for all of this. He is a wonderful man, a wonderful daddy, and my best friend. It's me and the feeling like I'm missing something, I have no idea what it is, but I feel I'm missing it. I love my husband and I believe our relationship could be even more loving than it ever was....... there's just that "but" there. What's holding me back? Am I afraid to choose, or is my heart telling me it's not what I want? Any ideas or suggestions would be great. I am thoroughly confused and I will not keep my family living in limbo. It's time for decisions, I just have to make them.

[Ally Boo]

That feeling won't go away most likely...that's what I felt when I moved on. Did the same things you did...asked myself the same questions...WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?! But I didn't sleep with the guy, but did cross the line of course.

 

If you were like me, you had that feeling for a long time and ignored it. Sometimes, we have to look past how we are hurting others and take care of our own needs. If you still aren't that sure, why not try marriage counseling? Sometimes that can give you more clarity...to see whats left of your marriage and if there is anything to save.

[midori]

Is it your relationship? Or maybe that you're not satisfied with your work, or your community? Do you have spiritual/metaphysical questions to sort out?

 

It could be your relationship. That might well be it. But I know there have been times when I've felt dissatisfied and restless and have assumed it was due to one thing, when in fact its real source was something else. If you haven't considered other possible reasons for your discontent, you're likely to latch on to the first thing that comes to mind. Or maybe it's the (seemingly) easiest thing to "fix." Not that divorce would be easy ... but maybe it's easier than figuring out and then fixing problems in other areas of your life.

 

Not to be flippant (although this is a bit tongue in cheek) I have days where I just hate my hair. Just want to rip it off my head. I'll be stressed out about work I need to get done or whether or not I've stayed within my budget, but I'll be fixated on how awful my hair is that day. It's the work and the budget that need to be addressed, but it's a whole lot easier to blame my mood on my unmanageable hair. A much more minor matter than what you're contemplating, but I think it's somewhat analogous.

 

Of course some days my hair really IS a problem. Then I head off to get it cut.

[Ally Boo]

That's why I suggest counseling. It's the old Fog in Mirrors routine...the marriage may not be the problem...the marriage may just be the easier to have a problem with than what could be the real problem.

[jp]

Thank you for the replies. I do believe my husband and I stopped respecting each others needs a long time ago. I feel I've been "fake" in my marriage. We get along so well, until we actually get to the deep stuff. So instead of getting uncomfortable we ignored the deep issues, just kept pretending we were the ultimate happy couple for our friends and family. I know I have other issues in my life that I am stressed about, but I do feel the big problem is my marriage. His biggest issue is the fact that he doesn't feel like he was getting enough sex, and my biggest issue (I'm kind of a type A personality) is he doesn't help me keep the house, bills, and child organized. If I'm not there, nothing gets taken care of. We used to argue about these things which was better than what has happened, which is withrdawing from each other because we're sick of arguing about them. I think if we want to make it work we have to almost completely start fresh, but I have so much resentment built up I don't know if I can. Are you still married, and if so was it the right choice for you? How does one decide what choice to make, and feel 100% sure about it? Thank you for your help.

[quankanne]

someone had mentioned counseling, which I think is always a good idea. Something that I personally recommend is a Marriage Encounter, offered through the Catholic Church, though you don't have to be Catholic to go on the retreat. You can check out the website by looking up "worldwide marriage encounter" on a search engine. The Church also offers something similar, but for marriages that have serious problems, called "Retrouvaille." A lot of times, a lack of communication or a solid link of communication is the culprit when couples have problems. One person is afraid of how the other will react, or doesn't know quite how to share thoughts on an issue, etc. The marriage encounter provides some pretty good tools on how to establish good communication, and my husband and I are pretty pleased with how our weekend went, and he's a redneck!

[80's Girl]

I have no wonderful words of advice, but I am in the exact same situation that you are. The man I have began to have an affair with is not much older than I am but he is married as well.

I have known my husband since I was 16 and he is the only man I have ever been with. I feel like there is something out there that I am missing out on. Your post really struck a nerve with me and I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.