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My feelings are severely hurt. Unsure about this.


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Posted

My boyfriend, Ben, and I have been together for five or six months now. At the beginning of our relationship, he bought me a ring and asked me to live with him and things were very heavy. We had these huge plans of living together in an apartment because neither of us like our living situations anyway. And besides, we were totally in love. :bunny:

 

A couple of months ago, we got in a huge fight and I gave him my ring back. We started having these awful little tiffs that eventually led to us taking a "break" from each other. After our that happened, which only lasted about three days because we missed each other, we were back to sleeping together almost every night, and things being almost the same as they were before... even though he constantly reminded me that we were still "working" on things and that they weren't perfect yet.

 

I don't know what else I'm supposed to do to make things "perfect" again. I try so, so hard. ;-( And just when everything seems fine again, he reminds me again that we're still "working" on things.

 

So, yesterday, we were sitting around and he mentioned to someone else, in front of me, that he and his friend Nathan were going to get their "own place together" after Nathan's lease was expired. I was really, really hurt... I mean, think about it... Nathan's lease probably won't be expired for another six months, and then they're going to live together for maybe another year? I don't get it...

 

I don't get it, especially because, as I said, we sleep together almost EVERY night and when I'm not there, he calls me in the middle of the night and wants me to come over, which is fine because I love him and I love to see him every night, which is why we should live together... but if he wants to be with me every night, and wanted me so badly to live with him in the first place... just because we had our differences at one point doesn't mean he should consider me as a roommate? It's not like Nathan can't live there too.

 

I'm really hurt about this and I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to just back way off and show him what he's missing, but I don't know if I can talk to him about it because he will get really defensive... which is usually what leads us to have our fights.

 

Please help, I don't know what to do.

Thank you

:bunny:

A

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Posted

Someone? Help? : -(

Posted
My boyfriend, Ben, and I have been together for five or six months now. At the beginning of our relationship, he bought me a ring and asked me to live with him and things were very heavy. We had these huge plans of living together in an apartment because neither of us like our living situations anyway. And besides, we were totally in love. :bunny:
Sounds like you dove in pretty deep, very fast. This was your honeymoon period, the time when you think the other person and your relationship is perfect. The reality is, you just don't know each other well enough and haven't been together long enough to discover your differences yet.

 

A couple of months ago, we got in a huge fight and I gave him my ring back. We started having these awful little tiffs that eventually led to us taking a "break" from each other.
That's a natural thing when you go too deep, too fast into a relationship. You have to expect that you will eventually learn things about each other that will cause conflict. We are all unique, we all have habits and quirks and beliefs that can grate on the other person - or even hurt them.

 

After our that happened, which only lasted about three days because we missed each other, we were back to sleeping together almost every night, and things being almost the same as they were before... even though he constantly reminded me that we were still "working" on things and that they weren't perfect yet.
This is a huge red flag. There is no such thing as perfect. If he is waiting for things to be perfect, he's going to be waiting for the rest of his life. He will never find perfect with anyone. No human is perfect, therefore, no relationship can be perfect. Perfection is a very young, immature expectation to have.

 

I don't know what else I'm supposed to do to make things "perfect" again. I try so, so hard. ;-( And just when everything seems fine again, he reminds me again that we're still "working" on things.
You just need to be yourself. Don't try so hard, or too hard. Either you two are compatible or you are not. You cannot meet the perfection standard.

 

Conversely, what is he doing to 'work' on things? Is it just you working on things? If so, then he is in control and you are bending over backwards for him. You need to change that dynamic - by being yourself - and demanding that he do his part so it's not just you compromising.

 

I don't get it, especially because, as I said, we sleep together almost EVERY night and when I'm not there, he calls me in the middle of the night and wants me to come over, which is fine because I love him and I love to see him every night, which is why we should live together...
Another red flag - why is he expecting you to run right over to him in the middle of the night? Why can't he come to you?

 

but if he wants to be with me every night, and wanted me so badly to live with him in the first place... just because we had our differences at one point doesn't mean he should consider me as a roommate? It's not like Nathan can't live there too.
Sharing a place with a third person when you are a couple is a major disaster waiting to happen.

 

In any case, he changed his mind about living together because your honeymoon period ended and he realized the challenges that you might face if you were forced to be together even when arguing. He now sees that he wants that 'out' of having your separate homes to go to.

 

I'm really hurt about this and I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to just back way off and show him what he's missing, but I don't know if I can talk to him about it because he will get really defensive... which is usually what leads us to have our fights.
You've only been together 6 months. Who knows what will happen in the next 6? He might decide to forget about Nathan and to ask you to live together.

 

However, you should definitely work on having your OWN LIFE right now. I'd say step back becasue you spend far, far, far too much time together - every day is too much! - you kill the romance and mystery when you are with each other all the time. Why act like a married couple when you are not?!

 

See other friends, join a kickboxing class, get some hobbies, spend time with your family. Don't make this guy your whole life, or you may find yourself with nothing if you decide he's too much of a perfectionist, controlling jerk to deal with and break up with him.

Posted

zilverenvlinder,

 

i'm sorry :( i know it's hard when you feel that your relationship is going in a certain direction and then things change or slow down or whatever. i do think it was kind of lame of him to not tell you directly that he was making plans to live with a friend and instead mention it in front of you.

 

i agree with what norajane said about focusing on you and other interests and friends. i know it can be hard to do when you've really become absorbed in the relationship and want to be with that person a lot.

 

i also agree that things won't be "perfect", but it makes sense to me that you'd take time at the beginning of a relationship to build a foundation. it's really true that after the initial honeymoon you find the things that cause conflict in the relationship and have to see if you can work through them. it's a crucial period in a relationship, trying to find harmony together. maybe that's what he means by things being perfect and he's just using a poor choice of words. i can't imagine he expects there to be NO issues or arguments ever before moving forward, but it's worth asking him about his expectations. are you clear on exactly what things you are trying to work through? like norajane asked, do you feel he is also putting in effort to improve things?

Posted

1. Stop being at his beck and call. Do NOT go to his place when he calls at night.

 

2. Be busy sometimes. Don't see him on a moment's notice. Ever. Start being unavailable to him. You are basically being his beck and call girl and are not being respected by him whatsoever.

 

3. He's a controlling jerk. Think about if you really want to be with such a jerk.

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